Ex refusing consent for son's private school bursary place

[Jonson2024]

Can anyone help?

My son (4) has been lucky enough to be offered a really generous bursary at a private school about 15 minutes from us, which would cover him for his whole education.

The issue is my ex. When we were together, we had both agreed we’d send him to private school if possible, but now we’re separated he’s being difficult. Initially he said he wouldn’t pay anything (fine — I’ve said I will cover the fees myself), but he’s now refusing to give written consent at all.

I’m feeling really stuck because I don’t want my son to lose this opportunity over what feels like spite, but I’m not sure where I stand legally.

Has anyone been through similar? Do I need to go down the legal route for this, or is there another way to handle it?

Any advice or experiences would be really appreciated.

Yes unfortunately I think this is the case, I fled from a domestic abusive controlling relationship only to find out it’s actually worse once separated.

CMS have no legal power over him, he convinced the judge to give him PR. He earns a lot of money and he could afford fancy lawyers where as I couldn’t. He got all the power, fun time with actual no real responsibility and now he uses it to control us.

Sorry if missing the point, but why is he not paying you child maintenance ?

Could you pass the buck back to him? Ask him which school he had arranged? Then get him to do all the leg work applying etc…

What is the current childcare split between you and ex? Where is the school in relation to where you both live? Who will drop off and pick up? Has ex suggested an alternative school? Has DC been accepted by LA into a school?

It isn't that unusual. Private primary schools that offer bursaries, offer them from age 4.

you absolutely do not need fancy lawyers to fight this.
A normal one for £300 an hour will put together your paperwork for you and get it in front of a judge. I would recommend that you spend the money on that.
And then self represent in court because they have to help you.
Mine turned up with Paul McCartney’s lawyer, which was the worst thing he ever could’ve done because that just demonstrated that if he had 60 grand to spend on solicitors barristers he had more than enough money to spend on his daughter’s school fees.
start with the child maintenance service you’ve emailed them today. That’s fantastic if he’s PAYE it’ll be fine. You’ll get something.
If he’s self-employed, you will need to go down there section one of the children’s act to the family court but it’s possible to get the kids school fees paid all the way through from him
And then if he doesn’t pay he’s in contempt of court which carries a prison sentence if the judge is so inclined

He has ever other weekend and I have to do everything in the week, pick ups, drop offs doctors, dentist, pay for absolutely everything, he doesn’t give us a thing.

school is 20 mins from both of us

i wanted to send him to private school as class sizes smaller, pastoral care much better and the school is big on welfare. Trying to protect child as much as I can because the power of being mum has been stripped from me, so the only way I see a way through is have the authorities protect him as much as I can.

The first thing you need to do is making him pay everything else will fall into place after that
He will do one of two things. He completely walk away because he’ll resent 50 quid a week in which case you can say to the private schools and anybody else that asks you don’t know who the father is. I’ve done that before.
Or he’ll step up because he’s paying he’ll start to feel more invested in the child and want him to succeed
The only disclaimer I would say and I’m sure others on the thread will agree. Is the private schools do not have a better track record than public schools with regards to safeguarding and actually they can be quite lax.
They gave out confidential information to my exes lawyer because they were just duped.
I don’t believe that would’ve happened in a state school because the staff would’ve been trained on safeguarding by the local authority

You have explained the difficulties with your partner and I jnderstand you wish to protect your son. However I think it is a mistake to saddle yourself with private school fees. You are putuing a lot of faith in this school to provide everything for your son - it might not be the case. I also think you might need to be more realistic and see that the bursary is to get you to sign-up for pre-prep and not because they desperately want your son (who is only 4) to join the school.

I'd be very wary in his shoes too. A bursary at age 4 really isn't going to cover his whole education and if that's what you're telling ex, I'm not surprised he's skeptical.

What is the plan if, at age 7 (or 11) full fees are payable? I'd need to be confident private education could continue, I wouldn't want to risk having started him privately and needing to move him to state later.

Why does he have no financial responsibility surely he pays child support. I would enroll him and explain to the school father is not involved and fully disclosure any maintenance he pays. A bursary aged 4 - I have never heard of. Mine didn’t get one until 11.

And further if you said you would pay the fees surely then you earn too much for a bursary?

I agree. Private school fees for fourteen years is such an enormous commitment and a phenomenal amount of money for anyone, never mind someone who is already under financial pressure.

I think a lot of people would like to send their children to private schools for the reasons you mention but 92% of people can’t afford to. So they don’t.

I completely understand that bursaries are there to help families that can’t afford the fees but I just feel suspicious of one being awarded to a four year old, it feels like a marketing ploy to get people in the system. If it was for year seven, you could possibly pull together enough to get to year eleven or thirteen if the bursary was removed after two or three years but you would have eleven or twelve years to go. It feels dicey.

This is a good point, is this a bursary in the tradition sense where your finances are scrutinised or a discount?

I still don’t understand why the father’s income has not been taken into account when awarding the bursary.
Can someone explain (sorry if I missed it - the thread is long).

If he does start paying maintenance will this affect your bursary amount?

I would be a bit nervous about starting a 4 year old at private school on a bursary unless you have good but underscribed primaries near to you.
What happens at age 7? Even if your finances haven't changed would all bursaries be reassessed and applications for other children be considered? What happens if your child turns out to be average academically would the school prefer to give to a more academic/lower income child? I don't know how it works but it doesn't seem to give a lot of certainty. There was a poster on here a couple of months ago scrabbling around for a good state school in year 10 when they could no longer afford private school fees.

Yes - I’ve been to BAL they have provided the school with a full financial report and the school have calculated a bursary on what I can reasonably pay.

If your ex has agreed but won't give written consent to school that might be ok?
My ex did not object to child going to private school but did not want to be liable for fees. He did not sign any of the paperwork. It was fine. If you have a text or something saying that ex is agreeable to child going to school but won't sign paperwork, surely that will cover you.

The other advice about whether it is wise to take the bursary is a separate issue but should be considered.

Is that an answer to my question?
Did you have to submit the father’s income?
I don’t understand how a bursary has been awarded when he seems to be earning very well.
Again, sorry if I’ve missed something.
I don’t even know why I care!

If he is biologically the father this is an easy fact to establish. As the biological father he gets PR. Fancy lawyers don’t need to convince the judge.

If he is the father (which you are not disputing) then he has PR automatically, there's not AFAIK a way that this could be removed, so it's no surprise that the court confirmed it.

Do you have a state school place for September if the private school place cannot be accessed?

If he is in the UK, the CMS does have power over him and can enforce child maintenance. Whether they will is another matter. They often seem very reluctant to use their enforcement powers.

On your OP, if the school require his written consent and he won't give it, you will have to go to court for a Specific Issue Order. You could do this yourself but, if you need someone to represent you, any solicitor who deals with family law will be able to help. You don't need a fancy lawyer even if he goes for one.

If the school do not require his written consent, you don't need to bother with a court order. You can just send your son. It will then be up to him to apply for a Prohibited Steps Order if he wants to stop you.

Have you applied for any state schools just in case? Plenty of experienced staff who know how to deal with children in these sort of situations. Plus it is free? Have you looked around to check them out?

What the father is wary of is that it becomes a precedent that set by putting the child into private school. A judge can then enforce that he pays those fees rather than disrupt the child.
And if the court decides that he can afford it, that’s exactly what they will do
So it’s a preventative measure on the part of this so-called father to make sure he doesn’t get on the hook for something that he could probably quite easily pay for

A father does not automatically have PR.