My 16 year old just failed maths resit, and has ONE gcse. Talk me down from the ledge.

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He doesn’t seem even slightly bothered. He said he knew he was going to fail it again. He’s doing a level 2 course at college and the accepted him on the basis of 3s at GCSE but want 4 in maths and English for the level 3 course which starts in September. He has another shot at it in June but that will also be in conjunction with English.

What’s driving me insane is that he’s fresh out of fucks to give and wants to get a full time retail job. But of course there’s no chance of that at the moment without Maths and English. He’s not particularly committed to his college course.

What are some realistic options? He’s nicely spoken and well presented, but has ASD (bit PDA) and dyslexia and reckons he can’t remember “stuff” apart from gaming stuff.

Help. Help help.

How much time.is he spending gaming?

If he's doing that instead then he'll have no motivation for work.

Right now it seems he needs motivation.

How is he affording his stuff?

Any clothes?

Things he wants to buy?

If he goes out how is he funding all this.

If everything is being paid for and he has access to gaming all the time then his motivation will be rock bottom.

Get rid of the gaming.

Apart from food stop funding him. He needs to fund his own mobile, clothes, toiletries, any outings.

If he wants anything extra help needs to get a job. Or start working on his qualifications.

And you aren't paying for anything any.ore.

He needs a job. And if he wants more cash or better paid job he'll need to get those qualifications.

Player Ready do alternative provision, in person or online. They can do some qualifications. The mentors are excellent, they understand neurodiversity.

player-ready.co.uk/alternative-provision/

Can he sit the functional skills qualifications alongside his maths retake. Lots of places count that instead of gcses. If he passes the level 2 course thats instead of gcses.

How frustrating for you OP. I often felt the same about what I could have purchased for myself for the cost of the mediocre degree my son ended up with . Unfortunately you can only do so much for them and the rest is up to them. Lack of motivation can't be forced out of him . I always told my DCs that I didn't care what career they chose but they had to do Something. Lazing at home is not an option . The only thing is that he is still young maybe immature and unrealistic about how he can survive . Hopefully he can get a job he likes and return to education to get more qualified as he matured.

Think he might get a bit of a shock in the forces if he’s sleeping through an online maths lesson 🤣

Yes, I think option 3 is the way forward. He can continue doing his level 2 college course, which is practical and despite his moaning, he quite likes. And if a job comes up in between, see how that goes.

I would encourage him into the full time retail job if that's what he is saying he wants.

Advise him to make himself look very presentable and go round the shops and ask.

Or maybe hospitality.

It's not worth arguing over if he has checked out of education.

I can’t help him. I failed maths and am hopeless at it and suspect dyscalculia. I can prop him up in English.

I would ask the school/college to assess him There are things that could have been missed

He’s at college 3 days a week and work experience placement one day a week, and then the remaining day we spend together. On a weekend there’s a lot of gaming and sleep.

For those suggesting the armed forces, I'm not sure that'll work with PDA...

Could he enjoy something self employed, be his own boss? Handy man? Or something self taught? Grow from there?
Achieving 10 GCSE’s is nice at 16, and would be far less worry for you right now, but it’s no guarantee of a happy or “successful” life as a human being! It’s a false measurement of success designed by society to fit us into convenient boxes in the UK, nice yes, handy, certainly….but NOT the whole story. You just have to try and keep the faith and think that his road will be slightly alternative, but he will be ok and hopefully happy and fulfilled in life.
Many famously “successful” people started from nothing, the important thing is that he gets there in the end and can look back in 70 years time hopefully and say he enjoyed the ride. He’s so young yet, try to keep the faith and keep building his confidence in any way you can.
Maybe he won’t end up with any exams, but will be more successful and fulfilled than someone with loads in a way you’d never even imagined right now.
Good luck to him and you both.
From a mother in the same situation.

He’s a funny one. He doesn’t give a toss about clothes or anything really and he gets his bus fare paid, plus a couple of quid for his lunch if I haven’t sorted a packed one. Money has no real meaning somehow. Hard to explain.

Indeed, and also very sad to say he is the type of kid that sticks out to be bullied.

Yep!

https://www.falmouth.ac.uk/facilities/games-academy

For some people gaming is positively educational and there are retail jobs where a knowledge of gaming is an advantage.

The world of gaming seems to me quite similar to the world of books. In times gone by families weren't always happy about a child loving to read.

Is it unreasonable to say Breath of the Wild compares to The Hobbit or that PC Building Simulator gives really useful technical knowledge?

My dd resat her English 4 times. Eventually passing and is now doing a degree! But.. she was determined and had a late diagnosis of irlens and dyslexia.
if he really wants to work full time I’d let him tbh

I totally missed that he has PDA,my concentration has clearly gone to pot today🤦‍♂️

Worried mum fist-bump 👊

Honestly I let go of any notion of academic prowess of any kind at all, years ago. But what I really really want is for him to have the skills to follow whatever he is passionate about. I suppose it’s finding the passion.

The happiest he’s been (work wise) was when he and my partner made jam and he sold it locally. He did the prep and delivery and loved the autonomy of it. But that’s been it.

Well then…..my relative earns over £35k a year selling food she makes on a stall. It started as a side hustle…..

I love these threads. a teen with ASD and PDA - and people recommend the military. PDA and military are generally speaking not a great combination….

I’d be happy to support this if he got his head into it.

It is not the end of the world but it is setback. It takes talent to fail Maths GCSE with all the help he has been given!

He needs to find some interest and motivation to do something productive with his life. But that can take years.

There are two types of motivation: the best is intrinsic (comes from within) and the other is extrinsic (bribes or threats). I don’t think he will become intrinsically motivated any time soon, so you will have to extrinsically motivate him.

Firstly, I think that he needs to start earning some money for himself in a part time job. If he doesn’t do this, cut down dramatically on his allowance. He needs to realise that life isn’t easy unless you work. You then need to sit down with him and ask him his goals, and work back from there to smaller (SMART) targets to help him achieve it. And then suggest rewards if he achieves them and costs if he doesn’t. The targets should be effort based, so if he puts the work in, he gets the reward.

It’s going to be a slow process but, right now, the worse he does, the more he gets (tuition, weekly boarding etc). And the subconscious message he is getting is that being lazy is fine!

Thing is, it’s your mothering instinct to worry, of course you’ll worry! I certainly do. But you end up thinking…there’s more than one way to climb a tree….
I had to totally let go of what I dreamt for my son, it won’t be his path, that was my measure of success, not his. They’ll come good.