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Original poster

Deferring a May born child

223 replies

Kingfisher4 · 03/10/2025 18:48

I have a daughter born 29th May. She is currently 3, due to start school next year.

I am currently thinking about deferring her, but only if she is able to start in reception the following year.

Would most people think that is crazy? She is not developmentally behind as such, although she is not fully toilet trained yet. I have been trying for months, but she still has more than one accident a day.

My reasoning is more based on how I feel about the education system in general. I don't mind reception as it's still very play based, but I hate the idea of 5 year olds going into key stage 1 and starting formal education so young. I have 3 older sons, none of them summer born, so have never been able to make this decision.

OP posts:
DryIce · 03/10/2025 20:17

A lot of English people will think you're crazy.

I'm not English, and it seems perfectly reasonable to me. Most countries have some flexibility with age of starting school down to parental discretion, and manage to cope fine with a class age range that is more than exactly 365 days. There were 2 full years between the eldest and youngest in my final year class. It was very unremarkable, and only really came up when the older ones became old enough to go to the pub!

Handeyethingyowl · 03/10/2025 20:20

OP I think you should look on the flexible start Facebook page as there are always lots of really negative remarks about this on MN and you clearly feel the need to talk this through in a balanced way. I have done it so can see both the positives and very few negatives which I have tried to present objectively. On balance I don’t regret it at all. In countries not far from us all parents can and do choose to delay school start.

zeebra · 03/10/2025 20:22

She will miss out on all the play in Reception with her peers and go into a harder Year 1. I don't think that would help her. She is still 10 months from starting school. A lot of growing up will happen in that time.

MNJudge · 03/10/2025 20:32

I think it's ok to have opinions on education in general op, it shows interest and thinking. I also think it's ok to have opinions on what is best for.you specific child. Where it trips up is when you try to apply your general opinion to a specific child, or vice versa...

Unless your child is demonstrably not ready, then the downsides of having her a year out of her peer group are greater than any advantage. How can you know she won't "be ready for formal education" by 5? Maybe she won't, but likely she will. A tiny bit of anecdata, but my June born was the most ready in the year group and academically thrived throughout. With both DC, the children who struggled to settle in their classes are not necessarily the younger ones by any means. Slightly on average across the population, sure - but children and circumstances are individual and yes they are more likely to struggle but only very very slightly.

RafaistheKingofClay · 03/10/2025 20:33

zeebra · 03/10/2025 20:22

She will miss out on all the play in Reception with her peers and go into a harder Year 1. I don't think that would help her. She is still 10 months from starting school. A lot of growing up will happen in that time.

I think the OP is talking about delayed entry rather than deferred entry so she will get a full year of reception just starting a year later than the one she ‘ought’ to be in.

If the option is there I would do it OP. Especially if you think there may be some extra issues that aren’t apparent yet.

stichguru · 03/10/2025 20:48

Kingfisher4 · 03/10/2025 18:48

I have a daughter born 29th May. She is currently 3, due to start school next year.

I am currently thinking about deferring her, but only if she is able to start in reception the following year.

Would most people think that is crazy? She is not developmentally behind as such, although she is not fully toilet trained yet. I have been trying for months, but she still has more than one accident a day.

My reasoning is more based on how I feel about the education system in general. I don't mind reception as it's still very play based, but I hate the idea of 5 year olds going into key stage 1 and starting formal education so young. I have 3 older sons, none of them summer born, so have never been able to make this decision.

So she's due to start in September 2026 having turned 4 in May 2026? You are thinking of starting her in September 2027 having turned 5 in May 2027?

My question is this:
In September 2026 will her reading, writing, maths etc be quite behind those who start in September 2026? If you don't start her till September 2027, will she have caught up to where her peers were in September 2026 and where the new cohort is in September 2027?

Or
In September 2026 will her reading, writing, maths etc be a little behind some of the older kids who start in September 2026? If you don't start her till September 2027, will she have be basically to maybe a little behind some year 1s, but well up with them, and then go back into reception where all the younger ones are miles behind? If she doesn't go to school in Sept 2026 will she actually continue to learn what she would have learnt in school.

I am not against deferring per se, but kids are sponges, they learn quickly especially if they have a caring, attentive parent to help them. If she goes into reception able to do a lot of the reception work, she'll be bored!

MrPickles73 · 03/10/2025 22:36

A year is a looooong time when you are three. I would revisit this nearer the time. Don't rush toilet training til she's ready.
DS2 failed the 2 yr old developmental check on physical and speech (never crawled was a bum shuffler). He's 31st May. Always been v small compared to peers.
But at primary he was top of the class and now top of the class at grammar school and doing very well (still small!!).
I'd wait and see.

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 03/10/2025 22:43

Kingfisher4 · 03/10/2025 19:54

My main reasoning is that ultimately I don't believe that 5 year olds should be in formal education. I don't think a child will be damaged from having an extra year to play, but I do think they can be damaged by being pressured to do things they are not developmentally ready for.

However, I realise there is a social aspect to this, and that is really what I'm trying to decide. Would the social aspect of being up to 15 months older than some of her peers be more or less damaging than being made to start education too young.

I get that many 4 year olds do cope really well. I was August born. I guess I coped ok, but it took a very long time to catch up socially and academically, and I carry those scars of being made to feel stupid and somehow inadequate for most of my life.

You ask whether it would be more or less damaging for her to be 15 months older than her peers than to miss out on a year of additional play.

I think the answer is that it would be more damaging. 15 months is a reallt big difference for children and the difference becomes more pronounced. You would not be doing your daughte any favours. Also reception is still very play based. And most decent schools try to make the Y1 transition gentle (my DD has just done it)

modgepodge · 03/10/2025 22:58

My daughters school still do continuous provision in y1 and even a bit in y2, so it might be a case of looking for a school which is more aligned with what you’re looking for rather than holding her back a year.

I have heard of some LAs where secondaries won’t honour the deferral so they have to skip either y6 or y7 to get back to the correct cohort, which I think would be dreadful. Also if they stay in the correct cohort you may find they are ineligible for sports teams and so on if competitions have non-flexible birth date cut offs. This of course may not be of interest to you or her at all but for some kids never being able to play in a sports team with their class mates might be a real downer.

LaunchedPea · 03/10/2025 23:21

DD1 was born at the end of May and is in Year 3 now. Personally I think it's a good idea to consider deferring if the option is available. DD1 is bright but she was understandably behind the dcs who had September/October birthdays, and it was disheartening to see her peers get things easily that she was struggling with in reception. I think it would have given her a boost to be slightly ahead rather than being bored, and I don't think she would have stood out too much as she would only be 3-4 months older than the September-born dcs.

The reason we didn't defer DD1 though is because she goes to a private school and will probably go to a selective private secondary, and it would get complicated at 11+ stage and sports and wasn't advised. So definitely research any future implications of deferring down the line.

zeebra · 03/10/2025 23:53

I would check this is even possible. Children entering school will be put in the correct class for their age group. In Private schools perhaps but this doesn't usually happen in state schools ( except possibly SEND). It is not usually allowed purely on choice. (Yes, I do work in education.)

OMFGSOB · 04/10/2025 00:44

I'm definitely not against delaying (I delayed my August born), but I don't think I'd delay a May born unless there was a really strong reason (e.g. born prematurely, spent a long time in hospital, hearing problems only just resolved etc). I would worry that they would stand out too much from the rest of the year.

What are the schools near you like? Ime schools can really vary in how play based Vs formal they are. Maybe try to find a more play based school?

OMFGSOB · 04/10/2025 00:46

zeebra · 03/10/2025 23:53

I would check this is even possible. Children entering school will be put in the correct class for their age group. In Private schools perhaps but this doesn't usually happen in state schools ( except possibly SEND). It is not usually allowed purely on choice. (Yes, I do work in education.)

If you work in education then you should really educate yourself on this.

Quixotequick · 04/10/2025 00:50

booklover164 · 03/10/2025 20:10

May isn’t particularly young in the year. We didn’t hold my late August boy back and I am SO pleased. We know someone who held their July baby back and I think it’s a mistake. I think being so significantly older than your year group is odd and imagine having to explain that at every birthday party etc. I would worry the impact it would have on her self esteem- my parents held me back because I wasn’t ( insert here) enough.

Enquire at your local primary but I know a lot of schools that still do continuous provision up until year 2 so if it’s the lack of play that is a concern for you then that might help.

I would worry the impact it would have on her self esteem- my parents held me back because I wasn’t ( insert here) enough.

I think you would say 'I was born in the summer and so my parents could choose which year I went to school'. There doesn't have to be a bad reason. In fact, her self esteem is much more likely to be affected if she struggles in class and is always playing catch up.

11 years ago when I started working in the school I'm in there were no delayed children. Now there are 8 - 2 of whom are April born. I understand your worries about her being 'different', @Kingfisher4, but really the kids don't care at all - if you get any negativity it'll come from the parents. I think delaying is going to become more common in the future so you might find that in a few years time it'll be old news.

Quixotequick · 04/10/2025 00:53

zeebra · 03/10/2025 23:53

I would check this is even possible. Children entering school will be put in the correct class for their age group. In Private schools perhaps but this doesn't usually happen in state schools ( except possibly SEND). It is not usually allowed purely on choice. (Yes, I do work in education.)

This isn't true at all. It's surprising how people who work in education don't know this. I think unless you're involved in admissions there's probably not much reason that you would know to be fair

Ozmumofboys3 · 04/10/2025 00:59

I think it starts all kinds of issues when kids are allowed to be deferred (unless a really compelling reason). Here in Australia parents can choose to defer their late year born kids for any reason and many do. It results in a huge age range in the school year cohort. This was an issue when I decided to send my ‘young’ son in the appropriate year. The class was full of kids up to 18 months older than him who were far more capable. I ended up having him repeat that school year, and he’s now in a class with many kids younger than him (which is fine and he’s very settled and doing well). It just wouldn’t be an issue if everyone just sent their child when they were meant to.

herbalteabag · 04/10/2025 02:09

My son has a late May birthday. When he started reception he wasn't quite ready in some ways, particularly with reading. But at the start of year 1 he made considerate progress and became one of the best readers in the class and wasn't behind in anything. I'm glad I didn't defer him, it would have been pointless for a few months in a mainly play based setting.

BruFord · 04/10/2025 02:19

My DD has a similar birthday and she definitely didn’t need to be deferred. She was fine socially and is now doing a challenging STEM degree so it hasn’t held her back academically.

I’d feel differently with a late August birthday, one of my friends has a son born on August 29th and he was “held back” because he would’ve been so young in his class.

JustJani · 04/10/2025 03:28

Kingfisher4 · 03/10/2025 19:54

My main reasoning is that ultimately I don't believe that 5 year olds should be in formal education. I don't think a child will be damaged from having an extra year to play, but I do think they can be damaged by being pressured to do things they are not developmentally ready for.

However, I realise there is a social aspect to this, and that is really what I'm trying to decide. Would the social aspect of being up to 15 months older than some of her peers be more or less damaging than being made to start education too young.

I get that many 4 year olds do cope really well. I was August born. I guess I coped ok, but it took a very long time to catch up socially and academically, and I carry those scars of being made to feel stupid and somehow inadequate for most of my life.

I have a May child and she would have been bored doing another year of nursery. She'd have been mostly with 3-4 year olds but her level play was moving on and would have been much more sophisticated. It wouldn't have been good for her socially at all. Your daughter's language will be quite a bit ahead of her peers in nursery if she stays behind another year as will other aspects of her development. So I'm not sure the extra year of play will be as good for her as you imagine if she's with kids who are mostly a year younger.

CurlewKate · 04/10/2025 08:26

It’s important to remember that deferring her may mean she can’t join sports teams or take part in some activities with her classmates. When she gets older, her school friends will be a year behind her for things like age restricted films and gigs and clubs and pubs-to me that is potentially more damaging than starting formal learning a bit earlier than you would like. Unless she has some significant delay, of course-which it doesn’t sound as if she has.

HeadsWinTailsLose · 04/10/2025 08:35

Have you considered what you will do when it comes time to start secondary school? A parent at my DC school had their son in the year behind due to missing the reception year on health grounds. He hated being a year older than everyone else and his mother had him start secondary school at the correct age so he effectively went from year 5 to 7.

LiterallyMelting · 04/10/2025 08:45

What I would say is that when she gets to year 5 or 6, she might be the first to have visible breasts and periods. That is quite awkward for teen girls. DC has one year 5 in her class with period and all the girls were called out for a talk. There will be only one or two girls in year 6 that looks very developed like a teen. She will stand out being so much older than the average.

Sometimeswinning · 04/10/2025 08:51

I have known a few children in the year below their actual year. Makes no difference. Only time it comes up is when Bill says “I’m 10” and 6 other kids say “no you’re not, you can’t be!” Me and Bill both smile knowingly 😂

MidnightPatrol · 04/10/2025 08:51

I think you are babying her as your youngest child.

May is not that young for the year, and you’ve got plenty of time to get her potty trained in time.

The whole deferral for summer borns is descending into farce at this point IMO - someone has to be the youngest.

Spoken as the parent of a child who will be youngest is their year!

MidnightPatrol · 04/10/2025 08:52

HeadsWinTailsLose · 04/10/2025 08:35

Have you considered what you will do when it comes time to start secondary school? A parent at my DC school had their son in the year behind due to missing the reception year on health grounds. He hated being a year older than everyone else and his mother had him start secondary school at the correct age so he effectively went from year 5 to 7.

Many private and grammar schools also will not accommodate it…