Stop blaming teachers for your child’s behaviour

[Woolfatthedoor]

I’m so fed up of my partner return home from school exhausted and mentally drained due to the appalling behaviour of some of their year six pupils.
Heaven forbid they are reprimanded. Then a slurry of emails accusing the teacher of ‘shouting’ at their innocent kids.
My Partner and several colleagues are at the point ot resigning.
They are experienced teachers who love teaching yet these kids make teaching intolerable.
If feels like these kids are not set any boundaries at home therefore come to school with a degree of arrogance.
Parents don’t seem to take any accountability for their children’s behaviour siding with them against the teacher who just wants to teach the rest of the class.

Ashamed for what the truth.

"Gentle parenting" doesn't make a child antisocial and aggressive. Confused - maybe, but it's not the problem teachers are talking about.

MH crisis is very real, both in adults and children.

Not true of all children. My ds took lockdown in his stride, cycled around the area, ran, walked, chatted on the phone with his friends and family. Carried on with schooling. Read novels, learned to service his bike, listened to music, learned to cook, played computer games, practiced karate.

Why do so many people think that was a disaster?

Is your child in Year 6?

And I do not "think", I simply know as a MH professional.

This topic (children’s behaviour at school) has been spoken about at length on MN. I don’t think there are any easy explanations for anything, but why do these threads always descend into a debate about SEN?

Yes they exist, yes some kids behaviours and actions fall under this term. That’s clearly well established.

But it isn’t a catch-all reason to explain all the abuse teaching staff need to put up with. Nor are hormones, tiredness, anxiety or any of the other reasons people give.

Are people really unable to accept that some parents are just shit, won’t engage with the school properly and don’t care because between 9-3 their kids are someone else’s problem? Why are people so quick to rubbish the idea that some parents are incapable of bringing the kids up properly, and that this becomes the issue of everyone else around them?

I feel for teachers these days, everyone thinks they’re onto a winner with the holidays and “only working 9-3”, but it must be hard going.

This started way before Covid.

My child was in yr 7 when covid hit. New school, knew very few people, only child.

I'm a full time working single mum with no local support at all but some daily prep, a little imagination and using the masses of materials that were provided, made lockdown a perfectly survivable experience.

My child (P2) is well behaved at home but acts out and is rude to the teacher in school. We have had plenty of chats, sticker charts, punishments, engagement with the school etc, and he has been on the waiting list for ADHD assessment for over a year so we are now going the private route, which costs us a lot of money which we had to save up for.

Please tell me what to do differently. I can tell the teacher judges us, and won't tell us directly what she thinks we are doing wrong. I would never shout at a teacher, I just wish they could tell us what we can do to help.

You can say you’re anything you like on an internet forum. Your posts don’t show you in a good light.

It is also secondary allocation day on Monday, so most of Year 6 parents and kids are in a frenzy right now, all over the country.
Our school have taken to doing morning run on the field every day and tomorrow Year 6 are doing a special forest school session with marshmallows, forest walk and hot chocolate to calm things down a bit.
So if behaviour is out of control in Year 6 right now, I think that is perfectly normal given the stresses they are all going through.

Agree with this. It wasn’t like they were all stuck in a dark prison for 2 years. Blaming C19 is lazy. It sounds like your kid had a great time!

If parents of young kids did nothing during the lockdown periods to keep the kids learning, playing and interacting with others (alongside completing schoolwork), that’s on them. Lazy parenting is at the root of many issues.

I'm only in early years and behaviour is out of control. Not once does a parent support you. The child is either a "monkey" or a "diva". Or they get taken to buy a new toy because they've had a stressful day. The parent either demands proof or tells you it can't possibly be true.

The amount of three year olds who have been in multiple settings as the parents just leave because they don't like what is said about their child.

And thanks to the government, parents now expect all potty training, weaning and any learning to be done solely by you.

Kids in current y6 were 5-6 in the first lockdown. Entirely different developmental period to a 12yo who has already developed physical, social and cognitive skills.

My son has SEN and autism. He also has a TA working with him. He's excellent all his needs are being met Ds really likes him abd he's really happy.

But last year in year 4 the teacher was shouting at him. Telling him it's not good enough. He wasn't getting the help he should have been. Even now ds still talks about year 4 and that he's scared of the teacher he's scared for year 6 incase he gets that teacher .

@NoMoreCoffeePlease - that would worry me as your DC is struggling in the school environment. If they are well behaved at home, take that as a sign that it is their safe haven. I would ask for interventions and safe places to go at school, during the school day.

Nothing can be done. Probably because the school is scared of the parents.

What do you mean by "interacting with others"? Have you already forgotten it was strictly prohibited? Or were you breaching the rules? 😂

As a mum of an autistic and ADHD child (and second child currently under assessment for both conditions) I would say that punishments don't work with ADHD kids. Loads of positive reinforcement is far better along with very clear written or visual rule's (very max of maybe 6 or 7). Also look at things like movement breaks, sensory time and nurturing activities. Children are not built to sit still and children with ADHD often end up misbehaving if they are forced to sit still for hours because they can't. Start by walking to school if possible as it's a good sensory and movement activity on the way to school then have proper movement breaks built into there day. Start to learn the difference between poor behaviour and ADHD behaviour as both need addressed very differently but still consistently.

Regardless of neurodiversity my children are generally well behaved in and out of school because it's non negotiable but we have all the strategies in place at home and school for them so they can cope. We have very firm boundaries in places with what's acceptable behaviour and consequences are no technology that day if they do misbehave in school (note misbehave which isn't fidgeting etc) . We also have a very active life with lots of sensory and nurturing activities built in for the kids (mummy and daddy are permanently shattered but that's a different thing lol)

Not true of all children. My ds took lockdown in his stride, cycled around the area, ran, walked, chatted on the phone with his friends and family. Carried on with schooling. Read novels, learned to service his bike, listened to music, learned to cook, played computer games, practiced karate.

Why do so many people think that was a disaster?

Tbf your child was in year 7 when Covid hit. I imagine it was totally different for younger children who couldn't go out and cycle etc. I've no idea whether it's a valid reason for bad behaviour amongst current year 6s, but just because you had an older child who happened to be fine, that doesn't mean it definitely wasn't an issue.

This really ISN'T disability hate speech and I'm disabled myself. There are parents who DO use SEN as an immediate excuse including to the child which is a recipe for disaster.

I agree with what you say about some parents totally true. But there are also some teachers that are shit to.

I have 6 kids so alot of school years in all that time there's been 2 teachers. We have only cone across 2 not great teachers.

Thank you @Fundays12 and @Araminta1003. It feels lonely and upsetting to be mentally grouped with the 'horrible parents who haven't taught their kids to behave' when in reality we are trying so hard, and we just want them to see the boy that we see at home. I think I need to re-engage with the school to ask for a plan around things like movement breaks, sensory time and nurturing activities, but I don't want to be seen as 'that parent' that is unwilling to accept it's what happens at home that is shaping the child's behaviour in school.

It's hard, isn't it? I talked to his teacher about it and she talked about helping to develop their relationship (him and the TA) but all that involved was 121 time together. Which DS found even harder.

Your partner could consider resigning and privately tutoring kids who actually want to learn.

I'm amazed there are any teachers left at times.