Advice on one child private and one child state

[ThisRedBee]

We’re seeking advice on schooling for our two children.

Our elder son, currently in Year 4, is exceptionally bright and academic, while our younger son, in Reception, is more of an average learner. Both are currently attending a good private school.

However, with the recent VAT changes on private school fees, we can no longer afford to keep both children in private education. This has left us with a tough decision: should we transfer both children to a state school, or just one of them?

I often find myself wondering if we wouldn’t be in this dilemma had we chosen to have only one child. I feel so guilty toward my elder son, as he could have had access to better education if he didn’t have to share resources. But of course, it’s too late for those thoughts now.

Are there any mums here who’ve faced a similar situation? I’d greatly appreciate hearing your experiences, especially about sending one child to private school and the other to state school.

I don’t have this experience as a parent, but growing up there were discrepancies in what each sibling got in terms of private medical care / dental / aesthetic treatments and I must say, it was not fun being the one who didn’t get braces because there was no money, but a couple of years later a younger sibling would. So from my point of view, there are things that should either be given to all children equally or not at all.

However, is the private education you mention accessed by an entrance exam such as 11+? It wouldn’t be unfair if both kids applied and only one got in, but you’d need to plan for the eventuality that they both get in at secondary stage and then… what? If this would be too stressful then I’d seriously consider pulling them out as the resentment will happen sooner or later in life when they fully understand the disparities in their upbringing.

I feel so guilty toward my elder son, as he could have had access to better education if he didn’t have to share resources.

--- and your youngst son doesn't at all benefit from the private education?

If you send the youngest state after reception and your oldest private be prepared to explan it later to your youngest.

If you moved both to state now, could you save enough fof private secondary for both

And how would she explain it exactly? Sorry son but you were too stupid and unworthy to be sent to private school. You could argue that the younger one will benefit more from a private education, than the one that is already thriving

Personally I'd move them both.

If you are writing off your younger child at 4/5, and priotising your elder son over him, you are setting them up for a life time of resentment.

If you can't afford for both right now, you can't afford for either.

Also - reception is a bit too early to judge if a child is “average”

That’s so true—it’s our fault for overstretching ourselves. Things change so quickly. If I had known the burden that having two children would bring, I would have only had one. Feel guilty to both of them.

You would have only had one child and sent them to private, rather than having two as you wanted - with all the family bonding that gives - and sending them both to state?

@ThisRedBee "I often find myself wondering if we wouldn’t be in this dilemma had we chosen to have only one child. I feel so guilty toward my elder son, as he could have had access to better education if he didn’t have to share resources. But of course, it’s too late for those thoughts now."

Fuck me, that's cold!

A friend of mine sent the higher achieving one to a state entrance exam secondary (not a grammar) and the less achieving academically but theatrical talented to private school. Seemed to work well and no issues or resentment that I have noticed they went to the most suitable school for them and seem to have both thrived.

I'd probably want the more average child to get the private school place as they could really benefit from enrichment and more bespoke learning.
I'm move both and then see what your situation is when your younger son reaches year 6.
I hope your younger son does not have any inkling of the burden he has created.

Most children in UK go to a state school. Nothing to feel guilty over.

Put the older one in state. The younger one can have the smaller class size which is imo all you really get for your cash

Please don't make your younger boy sound like an also-ran.

By fon

I would move them both and save for secondary (year 7 or year 9)

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We had the private school conversation.
both would have benefitted from a private school education (not necessarily the same one) for totally different reasons

we came to a conclusion that if we had the one child we would have gone for it but for two children it was too expensive and it was a “both of them or neither of them” scenario.

however nothing in parenting is entirely fair. I spend far more money on activities for one of my sons as he has expensive hobbies and is also very keen to do them. Other son has almost no interest in extra curricular other than scouts, which is cheap. He’s not remotely bothered about the fact that I spend a small fortune on his brother and also spend most evenings taxying him here there and everywhere as he is more of a homebody

Move both to state. The resentment always comes out eventually if you favour one over the other with private education. .
I am rather shocked at the way you seem to regret having a second CHILD because you can't afford private education for both though??
Most children go to state school and do perfectly well on life you know.
Do you not enjoy your second child?

Are you in a grammar school area? Could the eldest who you say is bright and able, sit for grammar entrance thereby allowing the younger sibling to stay on at private as he’s less likely to pass an grammar entrance exam (assuming here the private they’re currently at is non-selective or only “gently selective”). This way you know you’ve given both DC the best education you can. In my personal opinion grammar often iffers a better education for very bright DC than a not particularly selective private school. Also ask yourself, why is private “better”? What is it offering that an excellent local state school doesn’t? Another argument if you ever have to explain your decision to your DCs would be you chose the right school for each of them regardless of whether it was private or not. I don’t believe that children have to go to the same school just because it’s “fair”. Choose the school that suits your child best.