Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Education

Join the discussion on our Education forum.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Advice on one child private and one child state

98 replies

ThisRedBee · 27/01/2025 18:18

We’re seeking advice on schooling for our two children.

Our elder son, currently in Year 4, is exceptionally bright and academic, while our younger son, in Reception, is more of an average learner. Both are currently attending a good private school.

However, with the recent VAT changes on private school fees, we can no longer afford to keep both children in private education. This has left us with a tough decision: should we transfer both children to a state school, or just one of them?

I often find myself wondering if we wouldn’t be in this dilemma had we chosen to have only one child. I feel so guilty toward my elder son, as he could have had access to better education if he didn’t have to share resources. But of course, it’s too late for those thoughts now.

Are there any mums here who’ve faced a similar situation? I’d greatly appreciate hearing your experiences, especially about sending one child to private school and the other to state school.

OP posts:

Burntsausages · 27/01/2025 18:43

Meat to add I have 2 at two different grammars and 1 at private. And I have made is very clear they’re in the best school for each of them.

Perplexed20 · 27/01/2025 18:43

Reception is too early to tell.
My gifted and talented dd and my below average ds in reception got the same A level results. A*AA

BoudiccasBangles · 27/01/2025 18:43

ThisRedBee · 27/01/2025 18:31

That’s so true—it’s our fault for overstretching ourselves. Things change so quickly. If I had known the burden that having two children would bring, I would have only had one. Feel guilty to both of them.

Show quote history

OP we’re in a similar position. If we’d just had one, I’d have sent him private. We were going to send them both at secondary but as things stand at the moment, we can’t send both so we’ve not sent either. Very disappointing. They would both thrive at private in different ways but we couldn’t pick one over the other. I feel you.

Upstartled · 27/01/2025 18:43

Honestly, I'd put them both in state and put the money aside for uni and house deposits.

TaupePanda · 27/01/2025 18:44

Beyond secondary school, how do you plan to cover university? If the younger one turns out to e exceptional at something it is very driven and gets into medical school will you tell them to suck it up as older sib is also getting their higher ed fees covered too.
I'll be honest, except for special need circumstances it should be both or neither. It creates a situation where older sib might feel guilty at the privilege and clear choice in favour of them that has been made. It creates the potential the younger one will resent someone - possibly you. Would you risk that?
If recommend putting the money away for the two of them and then divvying it up so they have a chunk of cash towards a business or house when they're adults. And they both go to state school, where they can receive tutoring to support being gifted or otherwise

heroinechic · 27/01/2025 18:45

Obviously it sounds shit to send one to private and one to state, but which ones are you considering sending where?

If one is exceptionally bright he will achieve highly at state school, whereas your "average learner" will benefit more from the private school.

FWIW my parents sent my brother to private school because he had additional needs which were not supported at a state school. I went to an average state school and excelled. I don't begrudge it at all, if anything, found that my academics stood out more because they were achieved at state level.

beAsensible1 · 27/01/2025 18:45

send them both to state for the rest of primary. Then private for secondary.

there’s literally no need unless planning on sending them to a selective secondary. If you want to maintain their lead pay for tutor until secondary

CurlewKate · 27/01/2025 18:45

@ThisRedBee "If I had known the burden that having two children would bring, I would have only had one."

Take them out of private school and save the money for the therapy they are going to need.

I do hope this is a made up scenario.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 27/01/2025 18:46

So sorry it keeps posting without me pressing post. I'd just send them both for secondary. The one in reception is far too young for you to be able to judge his academic potential! If one cleverer than the other it still doesn't really tell you how much each of them would benefit from private school....

Scottishgirl85 · 27/01/2025 18:50

Your post reads like you really don't like your younger son. I'm sure you don't mean it, but it really is the undertone of your post, which is so incredibly sad. Your older child will always be the golden child, and the younger one will already have picked up on it. I'd save the private school fee money for his therapy.

And how on earth can you judge a reception child on their academic abilities?

AelinAG · 27/01/2025 18:51

Pull them both out and see where things stand at secondary school. Could you afford 10 years of secondary school if it came down to it? If they were both accepted for private schools and it was the best thing for them to go?

Octoberdreaming · 27/01/2025 18:57

CurlewKate · 27/01/2025 18:45

@ThisRedBee "If I had known the burden that having two children would bring, I would have only had one."

Take them out of private school and save the money for the therapy they are going to need.

I do hope this is a made up scenario.

I was thinking this too.
Unbelievable isn’t it.

Goldbar · 27/01/2025 19:00

Pull them both out and save like crazy for secondary. Put them in a primary school with children who would be going onto the same (state) secondary with them and see how you feel when the time comes.

bombastix · 27/01/2025 19:02

As the child who got the private education and my siblings who did not get it I would say no. I am lucky they do not resent me. They sure as hell judged our parents though. Be careful what you wish for

Nellyelephanty · 27/01/2025 19:06

Both to state. It’s a no brainer to me

StormingNorman · 27/01/2025 19:08

Could you apply for a scholarship for the older, brighter child? If he got one, it could be possible to send both to private school.

Araminta1003 · 27/01/2025 19:11

I think it is far too early to label your children, Reception is so young! We often give older children more attention and children develop differently. If you move them, move both please. And then just sit with them and expect highly of them, in a gentle way, by prioritising education. As they get older you can sign up to websites or even pay for tutors, if teaching is not great. If you speak to your children and read with them and listen to them and believe in them, that is what matters most.

Muddypawsies · 27/01/2025 19:12

My mother’s cousins were sent to 3 different sorts of schools:
3 girls to secondary modern
1 boy to private school
1 boy to grammar school (the others didn’t get in.)
Theyre all aged in their seventies now, but the jealousy and resentment they feel about the different treatment they received is as strong as ever.

Althenameshavegone · 27/01/2025 19:17

I went to private school, my brother didn’t. My parents would often justify this with “oh he just isn’t as academic”, I think they were always keen for him to not spread his wings and take on the family business, but I’ve always wondered if constantly being told this meant he always reined in his ambitions. We’ve never been very close and I think separate schooling and not having that shared experience contributed to that.

chollysawcutt · 27/01/2025 19:18

our younger son, in Reception, is more of an average learner.

He's in reception! He might not always be an 'average' learner! Blimey.

Put them in private for 6th form when you might have better resources. You can't choose one state and one private at the ages your kids are at. It's bonkers. (And if you can't EASILY afford private, it's doubly bonkers. Or are you worried they'll catch state school lurgy?).

Original poster

ThisRedBee · 27/01/2025 19:19

Muddypawsies · 27/01/2025 19:12

Oh no...

OP posts:

MumonabikeE5 · 27/01/2025 19:20

Move to somewhere with good state education.
if you put one in private and they socialise with more monied people they will have a different social experience than the one at a state school- even if they both achieve the same results. It’s the soft skills and advantages that you really give a kid when you put them in a private school, and I think it would be alienating and bad for their sibling relationship if you give them vastly different social experiences.
what would you do to mitigate that?
I’m not sure you can….

SilverDoe · 27/01/2025 19:23

I just can't empathise with this way of thinking at all, especially calling your four year old average 😭

Personally I would view my budget for the education of my children as a whole, and if I couldn't afford to send both, then they wouldn't go.

What could you afford instead; private tuition maybe, or private primary for both?

I understand that over the course of their childhood, children have different interests and abilities and financially, that may not fall exactly equally between them.

But putting one through private education and one not is just not a decision I could live with, nor a family dynamic I would want.

EnidSpyton · 27/01/2025 19:24

Have you spoken to the bursar about your situation and asked if there's anything they can do for you? They might be able to offer you a discount to enable you to keep both children in the school, rather than seeing you go and losing two sets of fees.

If there's no financial support available, then morally, you have no justifiable reason to keep one child in the school over the other, and making a choice to keep your elder son there because you feel bad for him that you gave him a sibling that's now in your eyes ruined his quality of life is an absolutely horrific thing for a mother to say.

The only justifiable reason to keep one child in private over another would be if that child had a particular learning need or it was a specialist school for a particular talent (i.e. music or dance) the other child wasn't interested in.

If you can't afford to send both, you don't send either. As other posters have said, it will cause resentment.

My parents were in a similar situation when my brother and I were at prep school. I was considered 'gifted' (I'm not really!) and the school offered to keep me on for free as a result. Despite that offer, my parents decided to take us both out, so as not to give us unequal treatment. We both went to the local state primary school instead, and we didn't suffer as a result. We had a wonderful education there and access to exactly the same extracurricular activities - in fact even more, as my parents then had spare cash for us to do more clubs outside of school.

lunar1 · 27/01/2025 19:24

Give your children equal opportunities in their education, your youngest is far to young to be written off. You really need to reframe the way you think about him.

Flip

1 2 3 4