Advice on one child private and one child state

[ThisRedBee]

We’re seeking advice on schooling for our two children.

Our elder son, currently in Year 4, is exceptionally bright and academic, while our younger son, in Reception, is more of an average learner. Both are currently attending a good private school.

However, with the recent VAT changes on private school fees, we can no longer afford to keep both children in private education. This has left us with a tough decision: should we transfer both children to a state school, or just one of them?

I often find myself wondering if we wouldn’t be in this dilemma had we chosen to have only one child. I feel so guilty toward my elder son, as he could have had access to better education if he didn’t have to share resources. But of course, it’s too late for those thoughts now.

Are there any mums here who’ve faced a similar situation? I’d greatly appreciate hearing your experiences, especially about sending one child to private school and the other to state school.

Wow he's 9 and done Grade 8 in music. Is your son Vanessa Mae?

He's Vanessa Mae twice and a bit.

I've totally assumed you'd keep the youngest in private for better support, but I now think you meant keep the smart one in.

My answer is no way both private or both state, you can't do that to brothers, or any siblings but that's a bloody horrid idea.

@GutsyShark "I think this is a wind up post to bring out the rabid anti private school mumsnetters"

Well, I sincerely hope that's what it is...

I have friends whose parents sent their brothers to private school and then to state. Well into their middle age now, this favouritism still causes serious rifts in their families. Don't do it.

If it's any consolation, years ago I had to take a child out of private school when my ex stopped paying any maintenance. The child was part way through secondary at the time so it was very disruptive but they did well at school anyway and are now at a RG uni doing a science degree.

I think that is probably the ideal solution tbh. I do understand the guilt - my oldest is in private for various reasons and we’re very happy with the school. My second is the most academic of my children and would absolutely flourish at the same school. However, she didn’t sit the exam. We’re sending her to a ss grammar instead and I feel so guilty about the extra curricular, large classes etc. That said, she’s going to be going to one of the highest performing state schools in the country and she does lots of activities outside of school. We just can’t put a square peg in a round hole. We have 2 more younger children and we just can’t afford to privately educate them all. All I can hope is that they all get into grammar then I don’t feel like I’m short changing them too much.
If you move to a grammar area, your older son will probably get a place and will be just fine- there will still be great opportunities, albeit not as many as in a private school; he’ll just have to make the most of what’s on offer. Grammar areas tend to have a range of grammar schools, some less academic than others. With tuition, your younger son may well get into one of those and if he doesn’t, at least they’ve both had the same opportunities.

Wilson’s Grammar school in Sutton has a music aptitude test and is one of the highest performing grammars in the country. If you are anywhere near London. The thing is though a top musician can get a full bursary at the top private schools in the country but you need to be international standard for some of them to guarantee a place.

Not eligible for a bursary and living in London, it seems unlikely that a family close to the bursary income threshold could afford private school fees, especially with term costs nearing £8,000 with the VAT added now.

@ThisRedBee - sorry I do not understand. Do you live in London or not? There are superselective grammars for gifted kids in London and loads of musical opportunities due to orchestras all over. There is also the Eton College music scholarships for the truly gifted - for piano and violin you would need to be aiming to win international competitions. If your DS is profoundly gifted, that would be a good option at 13 plus. They have a huge endowment and will top up.

Obviously children of this standard get combined academic, music and art scholarships that cover most of the fees plus boarding, don't you know that? :)
Music alone can get you up to 50%, irrespective of income.

That's quite old information. Now most of the top schools their scholarships do not carry any automatic fee remission. You can apply for the bursary if qualify. Like Eron mentioned above, all the scholarships are honoured only.

Well, I know a few children on combined scholarships, on 50% music scholarships etc including my own DC so no, it's not "old information" 😂

They're all lower standard than your amazing son BTW :)

You simply cannot be a parent who pushed DC through two grade 8 and a grade 5 exams, all the way being blissfully unaware of the scholarships 😂

Depends on the schools and areas. Where we are (are with multiple highly academic private schools which have featured in top 20 of secondary school league tables for over 20 years), none of the music scholarships give more than 10% fee remission (if that). They give music lessons with no additional cost

The significant fee savings are for those on very low incomes in the form of bursaries

OP claims to live in London. I know a couple of schools in London and burbs (and I'm sure there are more) that do offer 50% and OP's DC would sail through. The schools are ranging from top-5 to top-25 academically. I'm talking about scholarships, not bursaries. My DC is at JD and even there not so many children reach grade 8 on two instruments by 9 and a third grade 5 just on the side so clearly we are talking about an exceptionally G&T child any non-specialist school would be absolutely happy to accept on a generous scholarship to boost their music? My DC played at that standard only by 11 but we had no problem with scholarships :)

Also, is it better to regret having your second child than to send your first child to a boarding school on scholarship? 🤔 You don't have to live round the corner from school, you know.

@ThisRedBee - you will need to approach the independent schools individually and speak to them. If your child is as highly gifted as you say he is, then there will be options. You can audition at some of the top boarding schools quite early. Just speak to the bursars, admissions and the music departments.
Alternatively, do grammar plus Guildhall/Royal Academy etc like many of us have had to. There are plenty of talented kids in the grammar schools. If you are in London accessing music is less of an issue. If your child wants to practise 4 hours a day though, that becomes a different matter and then you should be looking at specialist music schools.

Just on the grades though - many kids can “pass” it age 9 but they are really looking for Distinction level and performance.

True. Also orchestral vs piano, rare vs violin.

Tell me you have a favourite child without telling me you have a favourite child.

I often find myself wondering if we wouldn’t be in this dilemma had we chosen to have only one child. I feel so guilty toward my elder son, as he could have had access to better education if he didn’t have to share resources. But of course, it’s too late for those thoughts now.

Read this bit with my mouth wide open.
Coming from a mum with 2 boys... I feel incredibly sad for your younger son who already lives in his brother's shadow.

Same.

Not sure if this is a wind up or you are looking to see how bad it would be to keep your favourite there and move his brother.

It just sounds like your youngest child is already a massive disappointment to you. Being academic isn't everything and it doesn't mean your eldest is going to achieve more. What will have more impact on both of them, than whether they are at state or private, is the way you treat them.

Broadly, disagree with the posters saying 'the private school will benefit the less academic child'. Depends what schools, of course, but if I take my area of London - the private options are WAY more academic and challenging that the local state schools. But agree with posters saying that reception is too early to judge if a child is 'academic' or not!

If I were you, OP, I would look at good state/grammar options and give both your kids the best chances. If they both do the 11plus and one gets in and the other doesn't, that's hard... but at least they won't resent that you paid for opportunities for one and not the other!

Also worth thinking about some schools and sibling policies - I know Dame Alice Owens always accepts younger siblings once older ones are in, for example.

I know of several families where this has happened.
My DH went to private secondary school (on a partial scholarship) and his siblings did not. I think DH is more resentful of them than the other way round (local friendships/not seen as 'posh' or 'up themselves'/works in a field where being a white, privately educated man isn't a plus). They all achieved similarly in education.
My dad was state educated and his brothers were privately educated. There were good reasons for this - the brothers were quite a bit older and the family's geographic and financial circumstances changed. Brothers went off to Oxbridge, dad worked his way up out of school. I'd say they're all pretty happy with where they ended up, but dad had a tougher route to get there.

I also wasn't completely sure if you were proposing to privately educate your very gifted oldest son and not your 'average' younger child. I'd have thought, if anything, you'd want to do it the other way round. (For the record, I'm not sure I'd do either.)

I have three children. Two are academically fairly exceptional; one is good. They have all come through a below-average state secondary education setting. The exceptional ones have achieved/are achieving top grades across the board - one scored top 1% in their Oxbridge admissions test (and has a place there subject to A Level grades); other is on course to do similar. The least academic of the three is also going to get what they need to get to the next stage of their learning, but of the three of them, they are the one who would have benefited from a smaller group, higher attention type of education like you get in private schools. We couldn't have afforded to send all three to private school and wouldn't have chosen to anyway, but if I had to send one, I'd pick the least academically gifted.

I agree with those who have flagged up how early it is to consider your younger child 'average'. But as someone with teens who span a range of academic abilities, I would also urge you if the gulf between them does turn out to be as you think to give some careful thought to the messages you give both children about their abilities and the worth of those abilities. It's a hard line to tread, and putting them into different education systems is going to make it considerably harder.

I have an older in state comprehensive and younger in private, but not for financial reasons. I wanted both to go private from 8. The one in state didn't get in twice (7+, 11+) from a number of schools.

The private school child is more hardworking and engaged. It's a bit early but I'm so worried about GCSEs in a few years as i obviously want them both to do equally well and have choice/agency of where to go for sixth form.