Advice on one child private and one child state

[ThisRedBee]

We’re seeking advice on schooling for our two children.

Our elder son, currently in Year 4, is exceptionally bright and academic, while our younger son, in Reception, is more of an average learner. Both are currently attending a good private school.

However, with the recent VAT changes on private school fees, we can no longer afford to keep both children in private education. This has left us with a tough decision: should we transfer both children to a state school, or just one of them?

I often find myself wondering if we wouldn’t be in this dilemma had we chosen to have only one child. I feel so guilty toward my elder son, as he could have had access to better education if he didn’t have to share resources. But of course, it’s too late for those thoughts now.

Are there any mums here who’ve faced a similar situation? I’d greatly appreciate hearing your experiences, especially about sending one child to private school and the other to state school.

I just don't think you can justify it. What if your two boys end up having vastly differing luck and blame you/themselves/the world for their different schooling experiences?

I'd say, put both in state, spend the extra money on good tutors for them both so they both fly.
If your brighter son is going to do well, he'll do well anyway. Private or not.

Feel really sorry for your younger son

I just leave this here. My DS was most definitely middle of the road all through primary school, you would probably have called him "average". Last September I dropped him off at Cambridge University for the start of his degree in Computer Science.

Reception is far too early to take into account late developers.

Please treat your children equally. You don't want your youngest to feel less valued.

Also Year 4 and Reception is far too early to assess future academic potential.

My dcs are all adults. One of them couldn't read until year 1 but ended up with excellent results at school/uni - much better than their siblings - including the one who could read at 2 and was generally thought of as a child genius throughout primary.

Poor kid.

Yeah don't do this . If I was the one you thought average and basically too thick to spend money on I'd be so pissed off

It sounds as though your younger child would benefit more from the education support offered by private and the older more able child may manage well in state regardless with some top up tutoring…
there’s many ways to spin this situation to justify your position.

Guilt about the number of children you have is largely irrelevant at this point/you have two…

Move your eldest to state next year, so he does years 5 and 6 in primary and makes friends for secondary.
Move youngest at year 5 for the same reason. They will have been treated equally.
Save the one set of fees you can afford to use for uni/training/house deposit.

I think you have to treat them both the same. My first choice would be to put them into state schools and save like crazy to send them to private in secondary school.
I don't think you can tell at reception age if your child is average or not. I think your eldest who's bright will do well in either setting but private school probably provides better facilities/access to extracurricular.

My elder son already earned a scholarship through the 7+, which is quite rare. He’s an exceptionally well-rounded boy, excelling not only academically but also in arts, sports and music. He has already achieved Grade 8 in two instruments at his age with the third instrument on Grade 5.

It might be too early to judge a 4-year-old child, but as a parent with more than one child, you can often see the differences early on—especially in how quickly they grasp new knowledge. I know it seems unfair for my younger boy.

We’re considering moving to an area near a grammar school as a solution. I’m confident my elder son would secure a place. However, we’re unsure if it would support his other areas of interest as well as private school does. This uncertainty makes me feel quite guilty

I was sent to state secondary whilst my sister went to private. I did not resent that, as they decision made sense for both of us and we talked about it at the time.

Your situation is different as your youngest is only so reception class and you are writing him off as not as academic already. And willing to favour your older sons opportunities, chances and education based on your kids ability at 4 years old

That’s so true—it’s our fault for overstretching ourselves. Things change so quickly. If I had known the burden that having two children would bring, I would have only had one. Feel guilty to both of them.

I’m sorry but this is madness. You’re clearly very well off otherwise you would never have even considered sending your kids to a private primary school, never mind having managed to cover the costs thus far. Yet you feel so hard pressed that you regret having your second child?? You need to give your head a wobble and realise that there is more to both yours and your children’s future happiness than money and private schooling.

@ThisRedBee - your username is new. Have you visited this site before? What instruments did your elder son pass his grade 8 in and did he achieve a minimum of Merit? Did you have him assessed and is he profoundly gifted. If so, please elaborate and we can try and help you. If you give an indication of where you live.

Not in a grammar area are you?
I have one at state primary about to take his 11+, one at private primary because he benefits from the small class, and one at grammar. The eldest got through his 11+ from state education + tutoring so now gets grammar secondary.
I don't think this is unfair. They're all at the schools which are best for them right now. It can work fine.
Your youngest would benefit most from private, it doesn't sound like your eldest needs it - or has already benefitted from it. So move the eldest if you're moving one.

Move both to state and start saving for secondary.

Maybe get the average one that you don't love as much working as a chimney sweep to pay for his brother?

My younger child was speech delayed and not quite achieving what was considered to be average at reception age. He got 12 A stars * *at GCSE and is in track for 3 A stars at A level.

My older child was much more advanced academically at a young age and while he has good GCSEs and is thriving doing an apprenticeship he’s not one to sit still and study hard for exams. I could not have predicted either outcomes at primary age.

if you can get your older child into a state grammar, you can increase the amount of time that you give to support him with his music and sports outside of school if necessary. You might be pleasantly surprised and not need to.

whatever happens, you really are doing your youngest a disservice and need to let him grow and develop without writing him off at such a young age.

It might be too early to judge a 4-year-old child, but as a parent with more than one child, you can often see the differences early on—especially in how quickly they grasp new knowledge. I know it seems unfair for my younger boy.

Flipping heck - how can you possibly know how quickly the 4 year old is going to grasp knowledge even in 6 months from now? Maybe he's not interested/developmentally as advanced or as keen to learn as your first born was at this stage but that really means nothing about his potential, he's still tiny! Whilst your first one sounds quite talented, he's only in year 4 and could end up averaging out come senior school.....who knows what's going to happen, base your decisions on what it best for them as individuals but if you can't afford private school for both then don't worry about it yet for either of them, they are both still young.....

We have done the same . There was a little resentment from our eldest but he matured .

Your less capable reception child is actually the one that will benefit most from private school and the small class sizes . Your eldest already has the advantage of being naturally bright

Yep and use the money to tutor both and enrichment activities

I'd be more worried about your if we'd had one child attitude tbh, poor kid

Love them both to state school. Bright children and average children both can do very well in state school. It isn’t in a shack with 100 kids in a class. Your ignorance that somehow private is automatically better is surprising (I have been to both so I know).

Contrary to most posters, I know multiple families who sent siblings to a mix of state and private without leading to resentment later. Main stipulation being they sent children to the right school for them rather than just based on cost.

I also agree reception is far too early to classify a child as average - they may not be as musical as your eldest but have talent in another area? DC2 took longer to thrive than their older sibling and I could have easily classified them to not be particularly bright. I am now pretty certain they are the brighter one. They just don't have the same interest in learning (yet manage to achieve similar marks with no effort)

Look at all your options - moving for schools being a big one - could your eldest get into a good grammar and second possibly follow? If they don't what is available in private sector?

If the eldest sat 7 plus then he moved school very recently. Moving him again feels very disruptive. As they get older it’s harder to move them.
I would try and see the eldest through to year 6 if it won’t break you financially then send him state for secondary.
It’s too early to write the youngest off- can you see him through to year 6 too?
I appreciate most people will say private primary is pointless and you should squirrel for secondary but perhaps private primary and state secondary for both would be fairest, more in line with your budget and the least disruptive option.
if your little one does turn out to be not very academic then (depending on the type of school) in a couple of years the school might solve the problem for you by gently moving you on.

I think this is a wind up post to bring out the rabid anti private school mumsnetters.

Be very careful of labelling your children too early, OP. When I started primary I was considered quite the prodigy, while my brother was at the bottom of class from the word go.

Turns out I peaked at 4, as everyone caught up with me. I still managed to get into a (state) selective secondary while my brother went to a truly bad secondary modern. He left with no qualifications, but went back to education in his late 20s, did O levels, A levels, a degree, a Masters, and a PhD. He has had a far more glittering career than me. You can't possibly know your child's potential at reception.

But I'm mostly worried that you seem to be thinking a good education is only important for gifted children. Like it's wasted on the others? I note you are considering moving to an area where your eldest can go to grammar, does that mean you're happy with your youngest going to a secondary modern?

I'm sure there are some good sec mods out there, but they are massively disadvantaged by not having the more academic children there, as are their pupils. If your youngest goes to a sec modern, it puts a ceiling on his potential, it reduces his contact with more academic kids, it limits his range of subjects. In effect, he will lose out to subsidise his brother. Is that OK?

FWIW, I have two teenagers who attended the same state secondary. The eldest is now at a good uni. The youngest is not just at the bottom of the class, she's below the bottom and on an 'alternative pathway'. She'll be leaving school at 16 but that doesn't mean her education has been less valuable, or that they haven't both benefitted from being at the same school.

Your boys are not in a race to academic glory, they are each walking their path and both need a good education to help them reach their goals.