Nursery form teacher handed us a bag of poo

[ButterscotchWhip]

Right. I'll try to keep it short, but I don't think it will be.

DD has just turned 3. A couple of weeks ago she started in the nursery class of what I've now realised is quite a formal and strict girls' independent school. It is highly regarded locally, and me and DH loved it when we looked round, but I now fear I've done myself and DD up like a kipper sending her here.

She's fully potty trained but (my fault) I don't think I got her onto actual toilet training quickly enough. September has rolled around and she's just not 100% there on toilet training. I tell the staff this and they seem ok with it at first. I offer to send in her carry potty (which she loves and uses well) - they say no. The class is large, and the way they do toilet trips is to take a group to the loos and then the teacher stands nearby. It's just not enough support for DD, and she's had a lot of accidents there (for which we receive intense FIRST AID NOTIFICATION emails as they have to change her). Anyway, she's now never telling them when she needs to go, and she is running away from the loo at home saying she doesn't like the toilet (and started crying about it yesterday too).

We get an email from her form teacher this week saying she must now be in nappies during school time. DH emails back and says we certainly don't support this idea, she's on the right path but in a brand new environment, nappies will confuse her and send her learning backwards etc. He suggests that if this issue is one of a lack of resource / low levels of staffing, then that's a worry. He's not rude, just quite straight up.

The next morning at 9am, I receive a call from school saying DH must be collected and taken home for a bath as she's soiled herself AND they will not allow her back in school unless she's in pull-ups. I am not free to get her, neither is DH, but our son's carer/nanny is and happily collects her. She finds DD just needs a good wipe, not really a bath. Upon arriving at reception to receive DD, our nanny is given a binliner. It transpires this contains DD's soiled knickers, THE ENTIRE TURD, and all the wipes they have already used on DD's guilty bum (barf).

I haven't said anything in response to any staff yet as we already have a catch-up meeting, face to face, with the form teacher tomorrow. But presuming that they have a rubbish bin in school, I think the sh*t-bag might have been a thinly veiled message of hostility, no?

I am boggling from all this. Would genuinely love to hear what other MNers would do now!

This for a 3 year old???? They don’t sound very caring!

Wtf?!!! If a nursery gave me my DD poo in a bag, I would never let her set foot again on there. I would also make a formal complaint. Who do they think they are! Your poor DD. She's 3! My DD just got.potty trained at three (directly in toilets, I found it easier and she took it up easily this way). Find a more.empathetic nursery.

This made me laugh out loud. Poor children. "What were expelled for?" "I shit my pants"

It's a nursery FFS, kids have accidents all the time, she doesn't need to go back into nappies! If they can't deal with toddler accidents they shouldn't be in business quite frankly. The turd in the bag is very odd, if the staff are inexperienced teenagers then perhaps they thought you wanted the knickers back, otherwise it's most likely a dig....a really shit one. Move her, they don't sound like they know how to look after toddlers.

My son went to a pre-school as part of an independent school as well when he turned 3. They also expected all children to be fully toilet trained. Mine wasn't quite. But they never acted like this. I can't believe they gave you a bag of poo. How disgusting of them. My son's pre-school was supportive (even if they probably weren't impressed that we'd started him without being 100% toilet trained). They worked with him/us and he was fine by Christmas. Your school sounds hostile. I'd ask for a meeting with amthe Head to raise your concerns and how this treatment is detrinental to your hild. She's only 3 for goodness sakes.

I think it’s ridiculous that a nursery would expect children not to be having accidents at 3. Bizarre. I don’t really understand it . They are still babies at 3 really.

With all due respect I don't think you understand the legal requirements. If a child is disabled or has developmental delay and therefore unable to attend to themselves then provision is made. If a child has not been trained adequately this is not the same and provision is not required.

What’s all this forms and classes for a toddler? Sounds like a secondary school. I’d personally would find a caring preschool.

OMG!! There are red flags all over this for me! Listen to your gut and I would find a new nursery asap! My son used to have the odd accident due to him over withholding, it's tricky as kids are all different around toileting. If you don't want them to have issues I would leave there, and fast!! I've 3 kids and had to move nursery for different reasons but I trusted my instincts and was so glad I did. Good luck and poor you, they need to respect the dignity of the child and the parents... there is no excuse for them to do this!!

It sounds like this is not the right setting for your daughter as they are not going to be supportive of toilet training and want no part in it. My youngest was nearly 4 before she was trained. She attended a normal preschool and they were incredibly supportive and non judgemental. Suddenly it all clicked for her and no more accidents and dry overnight too.

And have the appropriate waste disposal facilities.

My understanding has always been that, as delayed acquisition of continence may be an indication of an as yet undiagnosed disability or delay, then by setting a blanket standard of required continence is indirectly discriminatory, which cannot be over-ridden by requiring a diagnosis before it is allowed.

So a child who is not toilet trained cannot be denied entry to an educational establishment because their delay in acquiring continence may be an indication of an unseen disability, and thus it is discriminatory to use it as a barrier to their entrance.

If there is case law that has contradicted this over the last few years, I apologise. It was of most interest to me when it was initially brought in and immediately afterwards.

I think a lot of the posts on here that say it’s not nursery staffs’ job to help potty train children are a bit ridiculous and outdated. If a kid is in full time or near to full time nursery, how are they meant to be trained if the setting won’t support? We have an economic system that doesn’t value the labour of bringing up a child, therefore the majority of children are in households where two adults work outside the home. It’s not the ok to say “you need to outsource childcare… but not that bit”.

I think the sooner you remover her and find a more laid back nursery, the better you will all feel. She's only 3 and it sounds like they are really stressing her out.

Preschools are usually only a few hours a day (or they are here anyway). FT private daycare nurseries are open approx 8-6 and will support toilet training.

At 3, disabilities or health issues may not yet be identified. Hence it is discrimination to not provide for a child on the basis of whether they need assistance with toileting or intimate care.

But
a) the setting type doesn’t change the age/developmental stage of the children (unless the argument is that posh kids don’t defecate? I can only speak for my kids who went to a private school preschool and they did indeed poo)
b) children who are at a preschool for a few hours will still need the toilet
c) toileting and toileting mishaps are just part and parcel of looking after small children. Maybe not the most pleasant or rewarding part, but an inevitable one.

Does "a few hours a day" mean children don't need the toilet during those hours? Not sure what the length of time at a facility has to do with all of this?

Just said similar to you before reading this!

I thought it was common knowledge that posh people rarely defecate, and when they do it sparkles and smells of roses?

The OP is talking about a child just turned 3!

Of Course there’s going to be poo.

I’m sure primary and secondary would have less accidents.

This is the.craziest thing I've ever heard regarding nurseries and toilet training! Nurseries should be working alongside parents to help toilet training, not send them 10 steps back. And as for the literal bag of shit...

They send them home with the naughty child to teach her and her negligent mum a lesson of course.

This sounds like a really bad setting and I wouldn’t be sending my child there any longer.

As others have said, they don’t seem to know much about child development and transitions, and also look to be trying to do things on the cheap. Not enough staff to properly supervise a large class of 3yo. I’d look into a smaller setting, or possibly a state-funded nursery school or class attached to an infant/primary, plus a childminder or after-school
nanny.

save your hard-earned beans for sixth form education, where small group skilled tuition really matters.

This would be funny if it weren't true!!