Secondary state school worry

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Hello all,

I hope you all are well.

I am really worried about my child going to a public secondary school. The bad and foul language, the disrespectful behaviour and so much more. I just don't want my child to be around this, and whilst my child is a top student, I am also worried that peers will influence my child.
My child doesn't want to go to a private school, so we have instructed tutors and extracurricular as well as supercurricular activities and a boys club too, but I am incredibly worried.

Any advice greatly appreciated please

Having gone to a top 10 grammar school in the country I can advise you that drugs, smoking, foul language, bullying, social media issues etc are everywhere. It is in part just growing up and testing boundaries. There will be no private school, grammar school or state school not experiencing some of these issues.

Did you not have a moment in your teens where you discovered who you were, by testing the limits?

My son heard the c- word for the first time on his first day of year 7 at a top London private school. And it went downhill from there. The only way you could protect your dc from these influences would be to home school, but if that was the only reason for home schooling, then probably not the best preparation for real life.

my advice is to keep the lines of communication open and reinforce what appropriate language and behaviour is at home.

What's a boys club?

You might get similar in a private school tbh.

The bast majority of children ho grow up to be decent, respectful adults will go to State schools.
The biggest influence on this is you. Support them, teach them right from wrong and other morals and encourage a strong work ethic.

Tbh, having compared the teenagers at the local Private and State schools, the state school ones may be a little rough around the edges but on the whole are lit more pleasant

Your child will manage, like every other innocent kid does when they start secondary. They will seek out like minded peers, and generally ignore the poorly behaved ones. Idiots are a part of life and generally cannot be avoided, so learning to accept that others are dicks is a good lesson to learn young.

All of those things will happen at private schools as well. Teenagers swear, some are disrespectful and some take drugs. Wealthier teenagers take more drugs because they can afford them.

Other teenagers are wonderful human beings.

I work at a state secondary in a deprived area. It's a lovely place to work and to go to school. Not perfect, but most of our students are fantastic and brilliant to be around.

Unless your local schools are particularly bad (which some can be I know) I would not worry at all.

Err young people swear, are disrespectful and even do drugs at private schools.
Presumably you’ve brought him up to know these aren’t good choices so you have to trust he will work it out, and hopefully you will encourage him to talk to you about any issues.
I hope you’re not speaking openly to him like this. Some children come from challenging backgrounds so hopefully you are sympathetic to this. Otherwise he’ll believe he is superior to those you have described.

I wouldn’t worry about the language and peer pressure. You’ll find those everywhere.

What you should be worried about is the terrible academic standards of comprehensive schools.

Your best way to combat that is to do what the left-wing middle classes do (for evidence, see endless threads on Mumsnet) and buy into the catchment area of a good comp.

You can then parade your social values and still use your money to advantage your children! And your house will increase in value. Ker-ching!

The police raided an after-school disco thing at a private school but far from here several years ago because there were drugs being taken out sold. I really don't think they're any better than state schools for bad language and drugs and the like.

This.

Honestly the prejudice and snobbery on MN at the moment about state schools is absurd.

Despite common Mumsnet wisdom that clever kids will do well in any environment, in reality majority of kids have to be placed in the right social environment to get them to excel. Peer pressure and influence carry a big weight in secondary schools. If a child in question is academic they will thrive better in academically selective school (either state grammar or private). Have your child started the school in question already or about to start in September? If he hasn't started yet I wouldn't panic at this stage, comprehensive school is a big lottery and each class will be different.

I went to the roughest comprehensive school you can imagine. It was almost closed down several times when I was there. My friend went to an elite private school. I can tell that the things the private school kids got up to blew my mind! The amount of drugs and sex they had from an early age was quite an eye opener! Oh yes, they swore a lot too. You're deluded OP.

As a state school pupil who was friends with a lot of private school boys in my teens, hell would freeze over before any male child of mine would be going to private school.

Maybe. Depending on where you live and what your choices are.

What do you mean maybe? Based on where I do live and the fact I don’t want my child to be surrounded by arrogant, druggie, cocky little pricks who are rude to anyone in the unfortunate position of having to e.g. serve them in a shop or bar, that’s my choice.

Um, ok. So you could afford a private school for your son but choose not to?

My DH went to one of the top public boys school in the county 10 % of his year was expelled for drugs. That was just the ones that got cought! ( they all drank , did drugs and swore from what he says).
Yes it was a big name school.
Honestly my state school was full of angels in comparison.
We have never heard a sware word from our teenager, he has never drank or taken drugs vaped or smoked. He is high achieving in a STATE school.

100% this. DS has done far better than the majority of his primary school friends who went to on to private schools. Got his masters at a Russell Group university and has his dream job in London.

What evidence you basing this on?

I worried about the same thing OP, but kids tend to hang around with like minded people. Mine had kids like that in their school but their friends have been lovely. Youngest is sixth form now. It's all been pretty drama free. I couldn't have wished for nicer friends for them in any school.

Just to add that mine have done very well academically too, despite not going to a selective school.

Hello,

It's where some boys in our religious community spend time playing sports/games on a Sunday for 2 hours.

Hello,

I hope you are well.

Thank you for your response.

I was really lucky , in which I never tested the limits. My school was really strict. No drugs, no alcohol, no swearing ect... I didn't feel the need to do anything that test boundaries. Despite mobile phones coming the norm in 2001 or so, I never even felt the need to have one till I started uni.

However, I understood it is a necessary part if life for mist, and I think that is what worries me, as I never have been through it. Seeing kids nowadays is worrying

Based on the academic studies about peer pressure and its influence on teens. There are of course various other factors that influence and shape behavior and attitudes in teens not only that. Im not saying that a bright child from a supportive family won't perform well im just saying that some children might be impacted by bad behavior at school. Kids don't have two educational paths (lives) so you can't really compare what would happen if a child got in another school in the first place.
Also, comprehensive schools vary massively and trust me there are some schools in parts of London where many school kids are involved in gangs and associated crimes and many families try to avoid those schools. People either move outside London, go private or pay postcode premium to stay near sought-after comprehensive schools. Saying that I dont know what kind of school OP is talking about so if they haven't started yet I wouldn't panic just yet.