Secondary state school worry

[Zssn]

Hello all,

I hope you all are well.

I am really worried about my child going to a public secondary school. The bad and foul language, the disrespectful behaviour and so much more. I just don't want my child to be around this, and whilst my child is a top student, I am also worried that peers will influence my child.
My child doesn't want to go to a private school, so we have instructed tutors and extracurricular as well as supercurricular activities and a boys club too, but I am incredibly worried.

Any advice greatly appreciated please

Hello,

Thank you for your response.

We are an incredibly close knit family, and hopefully that will play a huge influence on my child in making the right and correct decisions. The peer pressure element these days just becomes more strenuous as each year goes on. I really do not remember peer pressure being a huge part of my life as a student in secodnary school. How times have changed

I think, have some faith in your dc. Unfortunately there may be some element of drug selling in many schools, private or state. There certainly was in ds school. But as a family we talked a lot about drugs, effects, peer pressure and indeed in 6th form ds was quite concerned about a lad he worked with in his weekend job who had a drug problem. I'm very proud that his main concern was trying to help and support and not judge.
Drugs are a way of life and if your dc doesn't encounter them at school, they will definitely encounter them at university and in the work place. I see lots of professional people with serious drug problems (in my line of work) so in my view the earlier we start good education the better. FWIW, ds never had huge amounts of peer pressure, yes he knew drugs were around but it was a very small minority and the majority of kids ignored it. And he said it was striking that when the Covid cohort of teenagers who had spent most of age16-18 in lockdown did reach university they were out of control never having not negotiated the usual dramas of teenage-hood. So some exposure to real life isn't all that bad a thing.
As for school putting forward their best students at open days - of course they will, but I would be hopeful that there are these sorts of dc to put forward in the first place as it shows they exist within that school system. Schools can go on an upward trajectory if parents actively choose to send bright and motivated dc. That's what happened at my dc secondary - we would not have considered it when ds was in Y3 but by the time he was in Y5, there was a very definite shift of cohort. Not at all saying it's your responsibility to pull a school up, but unless you are living in an area with particularly bad schools, some of your worries are likely to be unfounded

The bad and foul language, the disrespectful behaviour and so much more. I just don't want my child to be around this, and whilst my child is a top student, I am also worried that peers will influence my child.

You've got to lose those apron strings. Overprotective mothering will be more damaging in the long run for your son than swearing peers.

What's a boy club?

^loosen those apron strings.

I see the boys club is a church activity. Sounds like your son has a very safe and secure community, now you've got to trust him to find his way. He will especially with caring parents but teens all have to got though all that to grow up . Private school kids are just as naughty.

They'll be fine.

A good brain will out. A well brought up child will be well behaved.

I agree.

However, if your son is rather shy and sensitive and you feel it is not the right environment for him, is there not another state school near to you that you could choose?

Hello,

Thank you for your message.

My parents were the same with my siblings and I, and we all turned out incredibly well. Perhaps in all honesty, my parents were even dare I say outstandingly strict, and it did no harm to us. It did not damage us in the slightest. In fact, it allowed us to be headstrong, and thrive, to ensure we never were deterred onto the wrong path. We are incredibly thankful for this type of parenting , because we did none of the sort when we were younger nor now. We knew that if any peers administered that type of behaviour or characteristics, we automatically did not associate ourselves with them. It has enabled us to have rather successful careers , be good members of society and go to Russell Group unis too.
We are all different as parents and children, but to me, I do think there is just too much derogatory, foul language and behaviour in schools and society. Conversations, as well as having a good time can be conducted without all that in my opinion- albeit some may say old fashioned.
Oh, our boys club is a group where some boys in our religious group/community meet up once every week on a Sunday to unwind and have fun. The same is done for the girls.

Sure horses for courses. But how will you find a school with no swearing or drugs? Is there even such a school?

We have a very swanky grammar near us, one of the top performing in the country, that tanked in its last Ofsted report because there was a huge culture of bullying, misogyny, sexual harassment etc. My friend's son left to go to the local state school because it was such a vile and nasty place.

Posh schools don't necessarily equate with good behaviour....

State schools are badly under resourced.

93% of the population are "not very intelligent"?

I have reported your post. Not only is it fucking stupid, it's also offensive.

@NChange10 have you no idea how offensive your last post was to the vast majority of the population?

Hello,

Thank you.

Yes, we have a top 10 one too, but heard things about that too.

I am just hoping for the best , and plenty of open conversations of reassurance that we are always there for our child. Hopefully it will all be fine

I this a private grammar?

Curious what offensive things NChange10 said 👀

It's troubling that these state/independent school stereotypes persist 40+ years after I had to persuade southern, privately educated fellow students at London University that I really was state educated - and, horrors, in the north! My DD experienced both - Y7-11 in the state sector, A levels at a boys private school that took girls in 6th form. All schools are different. All young people are different. Less time is spent out of school than in it. Please try not to worry, and give your child confidence by talking to them about the new experiences that await them. Could you find parents of children already at the school to help reassure you?

Exactly this.

Much of the country doesn't have grammar schools. Most of the country can't afford private education. Neither of those options eliminate swearing, drug use or bad behaviour either. Do you remember the private school which took their pupils to Auschwitz and had to face the shame of one of them stealing artifacts?

You child has a supportive family and is bright and will be fine. Mine went to a school in a deprived area and graduated from Oxbridge last year. I'm fairly sure they have never done drugs.

If the local school is good send them there and if you are concerned send them private.

FWIW I teach in a state school, and we sometimes have students join us from private/grammar schools especially in the sixth form (and I do agree sixth formers are different). We had an incident this year with a sixth former selling vapes to younger students- they had recently joined us from a private school and had apparently done the same there, so unfortunately private school is no protection from this sort of behaviour.

I think the fact that the school got the police involved is a good sign and shows they took this incident seriously.

Your students must have mostly gone to state schools? If they have turned into decent human beings, then that surely says the state schools in the area are mostly good.

The school I teach in is a genuinely mixed comp, only comp in the rural town sort of deal- the grammar and private schools are a long commute, so we genuinely have children join us at 11 from all backgrounds. We have students go on to medicine and oxbridge, we have students who go on to work as electricians, plumbers, hairdressers etc. We have had students go onto national and even European sporting success (albeit in very niche sports).

We have a large cohort but I think that is good because e.g. the sporty ones can join a range of teams, the nerdy ones have enough people to run a dungeon and dragons club, we have thriving extra curricular clubs of all kinds, but the ones who don't want to get involved can also find their "tribe" to hang out with.

Yes, there is disrespect and swearing, but my friends who teach in private and grammar school deal with this too- the only way to avoid it is (maybe) to home school, but I'm not convinced that is desirable, and you have said it's not an option for you.

FWIW, I grew up in a similar town and went to the local comp- at weekends, we hung out with people not just from our school but also those who went to the private and grammar schools- their friends mostly lived a long distance away, so especially at 15/16/17, we all socialised (and partied) together- we all influenced each other. Now, I think one of the biggest influences on teens is what they see online.

I get that it is scary to send an 11yo into a building with essentially adult sized students, but the vast majority of them cope, and indeed, thrive.