What kind of families are in your private school?

[Luna222]

Hi hope this is the right place to put this.

I'd love to know what the economic demographic of your private/independent school is like. We're deciding whether to keep DD in private or move to primary where we might be a better fit.

Is it mostly very wealthy (mansions, designer goods, massive cars, etc) or do you have a good mix of ordinary middle class families like accountants and doctors etc who aren't flashy? And where do you live?

We live in a rural area and the school seems to be 90% very wealthy flashy people who haven't made us feel super welcome and I am worried that it's affecting DD's ability to make friends. Not sure if we'd have the same problem at a different private school or if we'd be better off out of it.

DC's small private primary was pretty low-key, not many flashy cars or designer clothes or perfectly manicured mums. Amongst the families I got to know well, lots of doctors (GPs, consultants), accountants, legal professionals (solicitors, barristers, a couple of KCs), people in building or trades, several colleagues from where we work (senior academics). Houses where DC went to playdates were perfectly normal i.e. not mansions.

Now DC are at private secondary and I have literally no idea about any of the families because DC travel by bus. When we do go to their school for special events, I do see a few big nice cars, but again most are normal vehicles.

We did discount one of the private secondaries partly because the entire car park on Open Day was full of giant luxury SUVs, so much so that we struggled to spot our little hatchback

Several of DC friends are doing major long-haul holidays this half term e.g. Japan, Australia. OTOH, we've gone absolutely nowhere and are indeed doing baking, walks in the woods, and carving pumpkins 🤷🏻‍♀️

@pocketpairs at her last school she was embarrassed because she lived in the poshest house and was picked up in a posh car) She was bullied for this which was one of the many reasons we decided to transfer her to the private school. It's being singled out as being different that scares her now. She is very happy at this school and has made lots of nice friends but the nightmare of the bullying at her old school has had a lasting effect on her and she will have her defences up for a while yet I think.

A lot of 2nd generation, Asian doctors, dentists, lawyers and small business owners. Next group is white British doctors, lawyers, consultants and business owners. Finally, a few East European, African and Chinese first generation professionals.

Everyone is paying out of income. Comfortable homes and cars. No landed gentry in sight. Everyone is making choices with their money.

East London.

Our DC have been to 3 prep schools. 1st was Home Counties. Largely double income families, but where both incomes are 6 figures. Mostly large houses in wealthy areas, but very friendly and welcoming, not showy about their wealth. 2nd school was south west. In one of my children’s classes I was the only mum who worked. Lots of trust funds or family money paying the fees, several families were neither parent appeared to work. Very showy about wealth- who could host the better pool party seemed to be a theme. Alongside this there was a small handful of families with full bursaries driving battered 25 yo cars with parents forgoing every imaginable treat to send their kids there (we hated it). 3rd school also SW lots of double income families but also lots of grandparents paying. Reasonable number of very wealthy families, but largely not showy. I’m not aware of any families for whom the VAT increase will cause difficulties.
so I’d say in response to your original question - it very much depends on the school. One senior school in our city has a particular reputation and almost all the families there will be double income with many making significant sacrifices. All prep schools will have a higher % of wealthy families than senior private schools by virtue of the fact that most families paying for prep do have the spare cash. In the senior school there is a much broader wealth mix.

@Luna222

From my experience of 3 schools and struggling for money somewhat (ave house, bit scruffy)
1 year at a private school : felt uncomfortable, DD did make friends but I found it all quite intense and decided to remove DD.
Then state school in an ave house/bit scruffy type area. Mums all seemed normal friendly and chatty to me. Felt comfortable on playdates, at parties etc.
Now DS is at state school in a different, expensive area. Been there a half term and only 3 parents have spoken to me. Must admit, I’m not particularly bothered and happy to be a bit distant and unsociable for now.

London here. Mostly city type dads (hedge funds etc), wives at home not working. No flashy cars, holidays or homes though but I think London is really expensive anyway. You'd only really know they are rich because they seem to have nannies. Playdates are very chilled though we are clearly the poorest! Kids are very popular.

another day another private school thread.

Us- DH retired. Former accountant. Me former solicitor taking extended leave as DS1 has a life limiting illness as well as additional needs.

Dcs best friend- father GP mother former GP but had to take extended sick leave due to long covid.

Class parents- taxi driver- cafe owner- pharmacist- chinese restaurant owner- Indian restaurant owner- teachers at the school- NHS senior manage,ment- sole trader plumbers and builders. Local hotel owners.

fees are £18 k a year.

Where we are SW the doctors / solicitors etc use the state single sex schools the more seriously wealthy go private.

I wouldn’t worry about it - socially dd2 is at state but her friends are at the local private schools they are lovely girls and the fact dd2 not even at private school doesn’t seem to be an issue. Most are insanely wealthy though but seem very happy to hang out at our house too.

It will massively vary Op. I went to private school in the midlands. We lived in an average 3 bed house. My dad owned his own import business. None of my close friends lived in mansions.

I’d say one thing to consider is that it is sometimes not the parents that are weathly. I have at least 2 friends where the kid’s school fees are having heavy contributions from grandparents.

I would say another thing to consider is that it also may vary depending on how many children the family has. The current fees for year 7 and 8 are the same as what I currently pay for my son’s nursery. I could possibly stretch to one child but not two i private school.

So, sahms yet nannies. And no flash holidays and cars. I suspect if you can stretch to a nanny and you're not working you won't be holding back on holidays!
I honestly don't have a problem with people paying for school and having other nice things; it's the constant denial we get that private school parents don't splash out in other ways that I find disingenuous.
Ime the families (in SW London) we know who pay for school also have lively holidays and decent cars. And live in leafy, lovely areas. Perfectly nice people too. But not strapped for cash on any direction. Thinking Hampton Boys and Girls. Kingston Grammar and Surbiton.

Rich accountants at ours! Enough well off consultant doctors too! All that private work! Some families were in the Sunday Times rich list. Of course they had lively houses, clothes and cars! Why would they not? I didn’t care. DD was invited to parties and people were friendly enough.

At senior school they tended to group together according to interests. Again, plenty of London solicitors, doctors and accountants! Some with big cars - like us! If Dc aren’t inviting your Dc to parties, it’s time to re evaluate. Is she happy or not? If not, then move. But don’t say the better off aren’t worth knowing. I guess they sense that, so maybe feel you don’t like them? So you possibly self exclude?

Oh wow @Luna222

This is how I feel about our private school...

ah @TizerorFizz - I'd much rather hear that refreshing honesty than the 'beat up old cars and camping holidays and sacrifices' hogwash we often get!

We live in the countryside.. we have done village primary, prep in county town, countryside prep and county town senior independent school..
Village primary we used to invite whole class to parties at village hall and v few return invites.. ds was desperate for certain child to come for sleepover and I gave up asking they never accepted..
Prep in county town had Drs, property developers etc. alot of Range Rovers and felt quite flash to us.
Countryside prep is less flash but more loaded.. people with massive farms, trust funds etc. but lower percentage of range rovers. Mostly self employed.. the odd Dr, IT professional and the odd publican..parents are mostly super friendly. Lots of children's parties and sleepovers.
Senior independent prep in county town seems to to be a mix of the two - some Drs, some farmers and by look of the cars some property developers..

east of England prep. I’m a doctor, DH is a very part time business owner. We pay out of income. Household inc (as I guess this is the main thing really circ £180k. I’d say we appear middle-ish in terms of demographic. Mostly working professionals (doctors, lawyers, lots in finance sector). A couple of very wealthy families. Lots of nice houses and lots of foreign holidays for most

Home Counties here; a real mix of landed gentry, working class families who have built up successful construction companies through to your regular middle class bunch. Everybody goes on lovely holidays and drive nice cars, although there are definitely a couple of much less wealthy families who are making sacrifices to send their children there. Very friendly and sociable; seems to filter down to equally sociable and fun-loving children. Typical wealthy commuter town with good state schools too.

We moved about 45 mins north recently to a town with a huge dichotomy of wealth, but a reputation for being deprived as a whole. Terrible state schools, but large selection of good privates. Lots of very flash cars, but parents were incredibly dull and largely unfriendly…children struggled to make friends as their peers had little sense of fun.

We moved back to original town and school very quickly. There really is no way we could have known how this dynamic would have played out until we were in it. For reference, one of my DD is very excited to start state school at secondary, to be “normal” as she puts it!

Everyone's going to say muddy cars, normal families, but that is 'normal' to them within their monied environment. And muddy cars does not not equal serious cash.

My bf sends her daughters to my old school and says it's all chauffeured Bentleys coming up the drive, week in the Caribbean at Christmas, skiing Feb half term, sometimes for two weeks, house in Salcombe or Rock but then also Greece in the summer. Mother usually doesn't work ('having children at boarding school is a a full-time job!') etc.

We considered it for DD - could just have managed - but now I'm glad we didn't as she'd have grown up with a serious chip on her shoulder if we'd sent her there!

Scotland here, so while private school is expensive it's a lot cheaper than it would be in English.

It's a bit of a mix, my DPs are kindly paying for DS, we've both got professional jobs so technically we could afford it, but it would be a real stretch. Parent friends from junior school are similar to us - professional jobs or self employed, one works at school so gets reduced fees.

DS is in first 15 in rugby and that set is different for some reason. Families have much more money, some really rich families due to family businesses including a name or two people might have heard of. I don't really mix with that set - DMs are nice but a lot glossier than I am and they go to expensive restaurants and family ski trips to expensive resorts.

I've found pretty much everyone to be welcoming though even if they're not a group I would hang out with.

A two week fancy holiday in the October half term will cost a lot less than it would in Easter or summer, because state schools don’t often have two weeks, so the surge pricing is lower.

Notwithstanding that, we are wealthy, two boys at private secondary in the south east. It would be nonsense to say we weren’t wealthy with two lots of £20k+ annual fees to pay from taxed income. My sons have friends with bigger houses and friends with smaller houses, but probably we are at the lower end of the wealth spectrum at the school.

We drive second hand cars that cost less than £7k each, though. Because we don’t care about cars.

Children went to a very well known boarding school and honestly it’s a real mixture unofficially they kept overseas students to circa 10% to stop the school culture changing and of course there were people with huge wealth and then some pupils on bursaries and the boys didn’t mind or care.

And I didn’t see much First Class travel unless it was done on points. Wealthy people don’t pay £5k per ticket lightly

This is our experience too. Lots of the families that we know at our private school live in very normal 3/4 bed semis and terrace houses. A few are obviously very wealthy. A few living in flats in cheaper areas too.

We couldn't afford to buy a house in the best school locally. 1mil for a 3 bed terrace.

We always went abroad in Oct half term and as Dc weren’t sporty, they didn’t do the team tours. Plenty of people drive decent cars. Many don’t choose private school and prefer the cars! They are more at home being flash at the local secondary school. I never ever saw a beat up car at our old private schools. I would be amazed if anyone camped. Maybe bursary Dc parents did?

10% randoms: teachers’ children and refugees on free or very discounted places.

...and this is the reason I will never ever send my children to the private school I work at.
They'll stay in state, where they can be accepted for who they are and not singled out as less than or different.

Middle class, mainly dr's, vets, dentists, lawyers (lots of lawyers!) and accountants. Most of my childrens friends live in houses worth £800k plus. A few live in £2m plus but not the majority. Not in london, big regional city.