Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Education

Join the discussion on our Education forum.

Original poster

If you have a child who works their socks off at school and diligently follows the rules …..

121 replies

RudsyFarmer · 15/09/2023 20:31

Never causes trouble, listens in lessons, is kind and thoughtful. Has your child ever received any acknowledgment, reward, praise for this from the school?
i know this has been discussed on here many times but I’d love a quick straw poll.

Thank you 💐

OP posts:
Echobelly · 15/09/2023 21:06

Yes, but the school is quite good at having a number of levels of recognition and informing parents when awarded. Oldest very diligent and gets a lot... youngest has ADHD so it's more of a challenge for him but still does get some recognition under the system. They're both at secondary. It was similar in Primary but a bit less so as the system was more informal.

RightSaidFred72 · 15/09/2023 21:07

RudsyFarmer · 15/09/2023 21:01

That’s a sweet idea but I promise you it wouldn’t be received well. The last time I enquired about something it was met with an extremely hostile response.

We’re nearly done with primary now so hopefully the next school might be more positive. I know I’ll feel better about it tomorrow but this evening I’m just exhausted with it all.

DD(14) is exactly as you describe. She was so deflated in primary as it was always the troublesome ones who got all the reward points.

At secondary (regular, medium size state school) she is regularly rewarded - not only in terms of points but more importantly through the teacher's acknowledging her on a regular basis through small things (positive comments on homework, feedback in class etc)

Whinge · 15/09/2023 21:12

That’s a sweet idea but I promise you it wouldn’t be received well. The last time I enquired about something it was met with an extremely hostile response.

I understand your frustrations but if they're in a new year with a new teacher then surely it's worth a try?

The new teacher may not know that your child has overcome so many obstacles, or that previous teachers haven't given praise and encouragement for the progress they've made.

RedHelenB · 15/09/2023 21:15

RudsyFarmer · 15/09/2023 20:31

Never causes trouble, listens in lessons, is kind and thoughtful. Has your child ever received any acknowledgment, reward, praise for this from the school?
i know this has been discussed on here many times but I’d love a quick straw poll.

Thank you 💐

Yes

PastTheGin · 15/09/2023 21:16

I have no idea why they can’t seem to get this right in primary! I’m afraid that I was that parent when my ds was in year 4. I made a spreadsheet of all of the stars of the week over the year and sent it to his class teacher. He finally got his star of the week with 2 weeks to go. Ridiculous, I know, but it meant a lot to him.
That’s why I am trying hard to be fair myself as much as I can. I am secondary, though.

Danielle9891 · 15/09/2023 21:16

No maybe they would say this at parents evening. I suppose at primary school you'd get a sticker or a certificate but in secondary school you'd probably get made fun of if you received them. So a word with parents at parents evening is probably the best option.

SoftKittyBazinga · 15/09/2023 21:16

Yes. She won an award at end of year assembly for her involvement in school

jennyt82 · 15/09/2023 21:18

Occasionally in primary school, all the time at secondary

Weedoormatnomore · 15/09/2023 21:18

🙈 No mine gets rewarded with sitting next to troublesome kids in some classes as teachers hope the good behaviour will rub of on them. Their school only does sets for maths everything else is mixed.
They get full marks in any maths test teacher rewarded them with explaning how they got answers in class so other kids might learn.

DivingForLove · 15/09/2023 21:19

Nope. Subject awards every year in secondary and he’s never had one. He feels pissed but accepting 🤷‍♀️

TheMoth · 15/09/2023 21:20

Quite often it depends on the teacher. Ds got naff all in yr 7, despite being a good lad and teachers raving about him on PE. He's getting loads in yr 9..dd, who's got head girl stamped all over her, is seriously lagging.

Teachers often have different criteria in their heads too. I've been much more conscious of who I award points to since ds started high school.

disappearingfish · 15/09/2023 21:25

As per others, never recognised in primary school, I think she was just part of an amorphous blob of "kids we don't need to worry about".

Much better in secondary but it's private so...

Original poster
RudsyFarmer · 15/09/2023 21:26

Both children already completely understand the rewards points and why sometimes the children who struggle with behaviour get lots and the children where their behaviour is always good, get less. They understand it and support it.

This recent snub was a rare opportunity to award the kids who had exactly the attributes that DC1 has shown for the last three years. So it’s a difficult thing to explain away but I’ve done my best and obviously given them a family reward and we’ll all move on by Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
RudsyFarmer · 15/09/2023 21:27

DivingForLove · 15/09/2023 21:19

Nope. Subject awards every year in secondary and he’s never had one. He feels pissed but accepting 🤷‍♀️

Good way to describe it. ‘Pissed but accepting’. That’s totally it.

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 15/09/2023 21:27

Yep. Is still at primary. Had so many prizes at prize giving this summer, he didn't have enough hands. Is adored by his teacher and regularly gets the Star of the Week.

His little sister has only just started but has had 3 things home praising her work/effort already.

It's a relatively small village school but recognising everyone's progress/effort seems to be something they are really good at.

livingthegoodlife · 15/09/2023 21:32

no. never any recognition. ive given up. this is primary age.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/09/2023 21:32

But, in our case this is a child who has worked their way from bottom of the class with a SENCO involved, to somewhere around the top purely on their own effort and dedication to their studies. And still zero acknowledgment or recognition of the effort when I thought this was exactly the thing we knew to praise.

Surely the message is that success is its own reward. DD has ADHD, had a nightmare in Primary, worked herself up with lots of support from us. She knows who she is, and feels proud of herself.

All the external validation and prizes are divisive, install an external locus of control in children, and lead them to believe that praise and validation are more important than doing a good job for themselves.

The actual 'prize' which meant the most to DD (and me) was when a new child started, DD was asked to show her around because she and her friends are so welcoming.

Canisaysomething · 15/09/2023 21:35

Why can't you praise their hard work and achievement? As long as you know someone is rooting for you that's all you need as a child. Praise doesn't need to come from everywhere, some kids praised at school get no support or acknowledgement at home.

TeenLifeMum · 15/09/2023 21:37

At primary? No. At secondary? Yes, they are great at praising good behaviour and consistent hard work.

Pupils with no demerits at the end of the term earn a treat day. Pupils with less than 5 demerits get a smaller reward (because we all make mistakes sometimes) and above 5 get nothing because that’s a choice and a pattern.

dd1 is quiet but conscientious and her teachers see her, speak to her and praise her. Her secondary is fabulous. It’s a comprehensive and there’s challenging behaviour in the school but I’m really impressed. The teachers care so so much.

i went to a grammar school and worried about schooling here where we have no grammars. She’s in line to achieve 7-8 across her gcse subjects. I hope she does because she’s worked so hard and I hope her results reflect that.

PastTheGin · 15/09/2023 21:37

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/09/2023 21:32

But, in our case this is a child who has worked their way from bottom of the class with a SENCO involved, to somewhere around the top purely on their own effort and dedication to their studies. And still zero acknowledgment or recognition of the effort when I thought this was exactly the thing we knew to praise.

Surely the message is that success is its own reward. DD has ADHD, had a nightmare in Primary, worked herself up with lots of support from us. She knows who she is, and feels proud of herself.

All the external validation and prizes are divisive, install an external locus of control in children, and lead them to believe that praise and validation are more important than doing a good job for themselves.

The actual 'prize' which meant the most to DD (and me) was when a new child started, DD was asked to show her around because she and her friends are so welcoming.

I am all for intrinsic motivation, but it is also nice to get a pat on the back from time to time!

Wanttobeok · 15/09/2023 21:38

ladygindiva · 15/09/2023 20:56

Same experience here.

Show quote history

Same here

Thepossibility · 15/09/2023 21:39

She occasionally has, she goes under the radar more than she deserves though. My louder child gets more awards.

Gro · 15/09/2023 21:41

At primary never, always last to be class star because she just did what she was told and got on with her work. 2 weeks into secondary she is like a different child. constant praise just for being her, merits for homework in early, answering questions in class etc, she is so happy.

MoxieFox · 15/09/2023 21:41

No.
In fact they’ve been told off for being ‘a smarty pants’ and making other children ‘look and feel bad’ by always putting their hand up to answer questions.

Intelligence isn’t encouraged in Black girls. I don’t complain because of what happened to child Q.

SilverOnToast · 15/09/2023 21:42

I have one of these. Always on task. Kind and inclusive with others. No acknowledgment or recognition at all from school really, beyond lovely reports.

But I appreciate there are always lots of other students in a similar position, and my DC just gets on with it and doesn’t crave praise either really. I think raising a kid not to be reliant on external validation is probably a good thing, so that’s the big picture reward, if that makes sense? We do lots of celebrating them at home instead and as a family we try not to set much store by “awards”.