What shall I do about my kids school in this situation?

[TeaOnTheMountain]

I’m currently going through a divorce, my ex has refused to declare any of his business assets so it’s been 18 months and we are no further forward. We have our first court hearing in July.
Before we separated, my kids were beneficiaries of a trust that paid most of their school fees which he has removed them from “for tax reasons”. His dad used to top them up and pay for extras but this has now stopped. He says we can only afford to pay the school fees if it comes out of my equity in the house which would then leave me unable to afford to buy somewhere / only able to buy somewhere very small.
He's given notice to the school for one child (the eldest) who is currently in y8. We have two younger children in y3 and 5.

Heres the issue: I don’t know ultimately what the court will decide in July or how things will work out but not buying a house isn’t really an option for me. I currently pay 25% of the fees and there won’t be any possibility I can pay more in the near future. He is a high earner.

There is a grammar school ~45 mins away and my eldest is 1st on the wait list for a place. There are 2x outstanding primary schools nearby both with places for my sons.

do I:

• Try to move them for September (depending on grammar places) and move closer to there when I can, long commute for now


• Move my y5 child at the end of y6 to the grammar, leave the y8 and y3 children in the prep for 3 years which would be “natural transition” points (end of y6 and y11). Would probably mean a move half way and a small commute for both. Would reduce house equity.


• wait and see what the court says and decide then


• Some other combination / option I haven’t thought of?

I’d really appreciate any guidance- there aren’t a lot of people in my life I can turn to!

Wow. The only silver lining here is that you’re no longer married to this horrible, horrible man.

Hugs OP.

It is possible to get school fees paid up front (to a certain point) as part of divorce proceedings. I know someone who achieved this although it was a long hard battle. Her ex was also a nasty bastard and did everything he possibly could to hide money. She had to go to court quite a few times but in the end he was forced to pay school fees for both her DC all the way through to the end of their education.

Of course this might not work/be relevant in your circumstances but I thought I'd flag it just in case.

He thought you'd prioritise the children remaining in their school to the detriment of the wider settlement. It was a tactic to make you back down hence the refusal to allow them to move when it came to it.

Have you had a forensic accountant involved? What is your own earning capacity like?

Yes you’re exactly right I think @Sunshinegirl82

My earning capacity is minimal right now. Haven’t worked in 13 years, no qualifications beyond a levels. I
started a qualification post separation which should put me in a better situation though, but have two years left. He’s pushing me to leave early with a lower level qual but would allow me to earn something at least. Still - the scenario the judge outlined today with regards to my mortgage capacity is in a best case scenario ambitious.

Any thoughts on what next?

No forensic accountant (yet)

I would be wanting time to retrain so that you can have the best possible prospect of a decent earning capacity for yourself and the chance to build your own pension. Otherwise when your DC are grown and maintenance stops you'll be 10 years down the line and in a difficult position. I'd want maintenance at least until you've had the opportunity to complete your qualification.

My strong suspicion is that the money is there but has been carefully hidden. No way in a month of Sundays he's be genuinely proposing he lives off £500 a month! Has your solicitor mentioned a forensic accountant? Do they suspect he is hiding money/assets?

I think I'd be wanting to argue that if he wants the DC to remain in their current schools he should pay 1 year up front to avoid disruption to their education. That is in the best interests of the children. That buys you a further year of stability and hopefully time to progress the rest of the divorce settlement.

If he maintains that cannot be done then they should move now to avoid a mid year move (particularly for your eldest due to her being about to enter exam years).

I think that is what I'd be trying to argue, although obviously these things are always complex so that may not be possible/your solicitor may have a reason to advise against that course of action.

Not going to happen re the fees upfront- he’s already paying them on a credit card.

Apparently this is just “cash flow” though not evidence that he actually can’t bloody afford them 🤔 all comes down to what judge thinks now - I really can’t do any more than I’ve done.

They know he’s hiding money (as do I) but it’s been very cleverly done in “trusts within trusts” etc. It’s probably cost him more to hide it all than it would to just pay a reasonable settlement. They’ve mentioned a forensic accountant to me but we haven’t even had result from FDA yet - what we get from that will inform it more I think.

You know now that he wants to keep them in the schools which is helpful in some ways because that leverage has been removed. If he can't afford school fees they need to move and you have shown willing to allow that to happen. An argument where he simultaneously tries to argue that he can't afford school fees whilst also blocking a move to non fee paying schools is unlikely to be very convincing.

As his best case scenario presumably means there is a risk of a mid year move (as if you don't get a mortgage in 6-9 months then presumably the money runs out?) I'd argue the uncertainty that creates is not in the best interests of the DC. I appreciate though that you may not have the opportunity for further argument now.

I hope you get a good result tomorrow.

That’s exactly what I said today. Just keeping everything crossed for tomorrow 😕

Wow who does this to his own children? He knows this would cause you stress and expected you to roll over and agree to his terms.

Well done for staying strong! I hope the judge sees straight through him .

Hope it goes well today.

He really is willing to risk his DC hating him if it goes tits up and they have to leave part way through the year and their education is fucked.

Hopefully the judge will have a really good read and come to a realistic conclusion today. So pleased you've had a hearing over the summer.

When my parents divorced the court told my Dad that as I was in private education he would have to continue to pay my school fees . He was still my Dad after all - he wasn't divorcing me! This is the crux of it - too many men get the two confused!
However, there comes a stage where you have to decide what is best for them from every aspect. I went to state school for Sixth Form and my Mum had a lovely little house that was more of a home than the enormous thing we lived in when they were together.
As they are young, it probably won't matter so much moving them to a village school or similar. Prolonging the arguing and court cases etc will not benefit anyone.

So I got the judgement today. The judge has granted the specific issue order and named the grammar school.

I feel so pleased and yet also so sad for my poor girl who has to move because her father is more interested in screwing me over than behaving decently. I think this is a really good outcome despite it though and we can move on without any more manipulation.

I'm glad you got the outcome you were looking for OP. Did this only deal with your eldest or was an order made for the younger two as well?

How did ExDH take the news?

We’ll done for going for the special issues order. Sounds like others can see around his behaviour.

I’m so glad you will be out of his control in this way but also sad for your children they’ve been used as pawns.

your ex must be gutted - I suspect he actually really wants them to stay in private education and so this is an own goal.

that sounds like a great result. Difficult for your eldest of course but surely in the long run having autonomy is going to mean so much more.

well done, hope you are having a big glass of wine.

means he sounds like an utter shit.

I am very pleased you got the order granted.

It will be interesting to see if the trust is suddenly altered again and they can miraculously stay at the school and the trust will pay for EVERYTHING.

Forensic accountant next stop.

I would move her to the grammar asap. You
need her settled and not more arguing over where she goes to school. I know it will be very sad for her but the money issue is settled regarding her fees for now. A grammar is a good school. It’s not a poor comp. If he was paying the fees by credit card and being a vindictive a-hole, you need to be out of this type of control. In fact all of you do.

He's vile to do this to his daughter, but you've done the right thing.

That's really good news it's a shame for dd but it gives him less control now and that's a good thing

Be prepared for him to ramp up the abuse in other areas now this one has been removed from him

Sorry your going through this

I think if DH was paying fees via a credit card, it’s an accident waiting to happen anyway. It’s not sustainable. So getting out of this constant worry must be the better option except for DD who is leaving her friends behind.

Thanks for the support everyone, I go through cycles of elation and dark grief.

It’s so hard, wondering if I should’ve just let him pay and accept the control / lack of money to protect my child. It feels insanely scary and overwhelming, especially as I have no family nearby and no support so I really am doing it all alone. I think with time it will be okay and work out but.. argh!

If he is paying the fees on the credit card doesn't half that debt become uours in the divorce?