What shall I do about my kids school in this situation?

[TeaOnTheMountain]

I’m currently going through a divorce, my ex has refused to declare any of his business assets so it’s been 18 months and we are no further forward. We have our first court hearing in July.
Before we separated, my kids were beneficiaries of a trust that paid most of their school fees which he has removed them from “for tax reasons”. His dad used to top them up and pay for extras but this has now stopped. He says we can only afford to pay the school fees if it comes out of my equity in the house which would then leave me unable to afford to buy somewhere / only able to buy somewhere very small.
He's given notice to the school for one child (the eldest) who is currently in y8. We have two younger children in y3 and 5.

Heres the issue: I don’t know ultimately what the court will decide in July or how things will work out but not buying a house isn’t really an option for me. I currently pay 25% of the fees and there won’t be any possibility I can pay more in the near future. He is a high earner.

There is a grammar school ~45 mins away and my eldest is 1st on the wait list for a place. There are 2x outstanding primary schools nearby both with places for my sons.

do I:

• Try to move them for September (depending on grammar places) and move closer to there when I can, long commute for now


• Move my y5 child at the end of y6 to the grammar, leave the y8 and y3 children in the prep for 3 years which would be “natural transition” points (end of y6 and y11). Would probably mean a move half way and a small commute for both. Would reduce house equity.


• wait and see what the court says and decide then


• Some other combination / option I haven’t thought of?

I’d really appreciate any guidance- there aren’t a lot of people in my life I can turn to!

To be clear I'm a new Trustee of a Will Trust and have been told in no uncertain terms that it's a serious business. The rights of the beneficiaries are paramount etc.
But your problem is with a discretionary trust - perhaps that gives his family more wriggle room.
It definitely needs checking tho.

An update

So after a lot of thought I went to ex via solicitors confirming the places for the kids schools are available and that I thought we should move them.

He’s refused permission! After giving notice! Total headfuck.

the income figures he’s submitted don’t allow him to pay fees, maintenance and meet his own needs (leaves £500 a month after fees and maintenance this year and they will go up as kids get older!)

he’s submitted accountants letters saying his income is going to go down next year. It doesn’t make sense, I just don’t know what to do.

Ultimately you cannot afford to pay for the private school speak to your solicitor you can't be compelled into paying for private school

When is your court date?

Forensic accountant all the way and go for the max spousal maintenance you can.
A friend’s husband tried this too -kids now have nothing to do with him.

The fda was on Thursday, the fdr is in October (so after school starts).

Oops sorry name change fail!

I don't understand - if he's given notice, and also refused permission for them to switch schools, how does he propose the children will be educated? Can you apply for an emergency court hearing to decide this, as there is a deadline to this decision?

Hes now saying he wants them to stay at their current school.

I think we can apply for “specific issues” at court, I think this is likely my best option?

www.stephens-scown.co.uk/family/children-issues/choosing-schools-when-parents-dont-agree/

specific issue order - which surely would be in your favour as you can’t afford the school fees and your DH refuses.

The best would be to move them where there are no fees to pay - otherwise you will forever have the fees held over your head like the sword of Damocles, will he pay, won't he pay. I can't imagine they could force you to pay the fees either from the equity in the house, especially when there is an excellent free option in a grammar school available.

I hope you can get a decision on this soon, he is obviously doing this to maintain his control over you. We had a similar situation with grandparents paying school fees until the scales fell from my eyes and I realised they would always be able to dangle the payment of next term's school fees over us to control us and the DCs (they never did but the possibility was enough to make us behave in ways they wanted). Bet you anything he realised that by giving notice to the school, he was losing an means of control so is trying to backtrack.

I think it would be in my favour but I don’t think there’s any guarantee?

he’s now saying he will pay the fees - but on his reduced salary, after CMS and school fees he’d be left with £500 a month. It’s clearly not doable! And he’s submitted evidence that his income is going to reduce.

so either my kids will be left without a school place when he can’t fund it or alternatively he’ll say he needs to pay them through using the house equity!

I have a non molestation order for coercive control and financial abuse - he will definitely continue to use it to control me.

It’s just a case of how to get them out now he’s refused.

Do you actually need his consent to move them?

If you have PR for your children (which I assume you do) then you should be able to move them. Also if you have a domestic abuse related order you shoul be able to get support from IDVA to offer you additional support and provide some weight to your decision making.

Having spent a long time working with victims of domestic abuse I would say that you would be very, very wise to try and extricsate yourself from any situation in which he could have some control in financial terms, ie. school fees. Your kids might hate you for a short period of time but I believe the long-term freedom from his control will be a significant benefit to you and your family.

Also, he sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work.

@FriendofDorothy, Schooling is one area where both parents have to agree to a move.

Op, what is the schools view? As he has given notice - was it early enough to cover 1 terms notice.

I think you need a specific issues order and maybe able to ask for an emergency hearing. A judge will take a dim view of him playing games with the children's education.

If he refuses to agree to them attending a state school I would speak to the education authority.

He really doesn't care about his DC does he

He gave notice early enough not to require autumn term fees, but they have places still because the school offered to retain them so if we could agree it they could stay. I do need his consent to move them.

He would pay it I imagine - once the divorce is finished he will vary the trust again so it covers the fees - this is all to manipulate me.

I really appreciate the support, I feel very alone at the moment. I think we will need to apply for specific issues, am speaking to my solicitor on Monday but I’m so filled with anxiety and stress I’m finding it hard to function.

I would ask the LEA what the process is for DC that have no state place and the other parent won't agree to any state place but refuses to pay for their current private school. I think legally you can apply for a state place because they don't have one at all. I would do that in parallel to the PSO.

It may be enough to call his bluff sooner.

I guess grey rock time "I will not contribute to the DC being privately educated because I cannot afford it"

Hi, this is so difficult but I believe the custodial parent has the right in a dispute to allocate schooling so you can accept the state school places without his consent. There is no way he can compel you to continue with school fees that both of you say you can't afford.

I would accept the state school places and start the legal paperwork needed to ensure the appropriate outcomes you want. I'd also get your solicitor to ensure that if any private school fees for the autumn term become due, that your ex is responsible for them as I'm assuming its the private school that is potentially requiring his consent to terminate their places?

It's clear he was trying to coerce you into taking on a share of the fees he didn't want to pay by making you fund it through your rightful share of the home equity. You've called his bluff on continuing private school and now he's panicking and probably intends to use the trust again as was always the case.

If in the end, your ex agrees to fund the fees through the trust in a non-revocable agreement that the trust is party to legally, I would potentially consider it at least for your eldest child who is reluctant to leave. Make it clear that for the sake of the children, if there isn't total security around private schooling its better to move them now and draw a line under it and the terms of the trust might need to be changed so what happened now can't happen again.

If that can't be agreed, stick with your plan of moving into the catchment with a great comp and the nearby grammar options and move all three to state now including your eldest into the grammar school.

but I believe the custodial parent has the right in a dispute to allocate schooling so you can accept the state school places without his consent

No, schools and change of surname name are the areas where consent from those with PR is required. Nothing to do with who has residence. I imagine as they are still going through court, residence hasn't been formalised.

Op, I get you..the anxiety almost stops you from thinking clearly. Ex H was exactly the game..he had a game plan which meant he was several steps ahead of me and treated the divorce process as a chess game. All I wanted was to settle the children in a reasonable house near schools. Ex H put his needs ahead of the children..a judge did help but it took months to get to a decision. Know that you are doing your best. I would talk to the school, mine was extremely helpful, whilst trying to be impartial they clearly understood he was controlling so offered flexibility.

You could accept the state school place as well - let your Ex know by email that whilst decision on schools is up in the air it's best to keep all options open. This is likely to be what a judge advises anyway.

we have a court order re child arrangements that’s been in place for a bit over year but my understanding is that it’s irrelevant- he has pr so can block school move and I’d need to apply to court for “specific issues”.

play it like a chess game is EXACTLY it. It’s so stressful- I just want a reasonable house and to be able to support myself and my children so we can move on, he is determined to make it as painful as possible.

with keeping options open - it’s only possible to a point. My eldest daughter is starting her GCSE years next year (will be year 9) so really she needs to move for September. I think that’s why we can’t wait for FDR and will need to do specific issues.

@TeaOnTheMountain take specific legal advice but I think as long as you have PR, you can technically accept the state school place unless there is a prohibited Steps Order in place against you. That way you can secure the places and then work it out in court as need be which is what I was trying to say before.

Given the sensitivity around timing, see if your solicitor agrees that you should take this step while you are working on finding a solution so that doesn't mean the only option you have is the private school. You can always withdraw your acceptance at a later point if you reach alternative arrangements but you shouldn't be forced into an unsuitable financial arrangement.

www.slatergordon.co.uk/family-law/divorce/what-to-do-when-parents-disagree-schools/

I’m so sorry you are facing this. My own situation isn’t too dissimilar. May I ask in what grounds you got a non-mol order for coercive control and financial abuse? What did you need to prove for the latter?

Also, have dividends not been taken into account (or is he reducing these next year)?

A little update.

Decided we would go to court for a specific issue order - which was today. No judgement yet, the judge hadn’t had time to read the bundle so we will hear tomorrow. Am really stressed. If eldest can’t take her grammar place she’ll be in year 9, with no alternative school place and we are just here with his manipulation all over again. The judge suggested DHs best case scenario would be “just about” workable in terms of costs (I think this is fairly unlikely and directly contradicts his form E!) and that is still the “best case” scenario?!

Obviously he actually has the money to pay it, I guess the judge can see that. I just want their education taken out of this horrible situation, it’s just unbelievably stressful.

FYI - his “best case” scenario was that I could take on a significant mortgage within 6-9 months. There is no evidence that I can and I’ve been declined this by two mortgage advisors so far. But the judge said - “well I have seen cases where a mortgage been granted on maintenance alone”
But Ex DH is paying minimal maintenance because he says he can’t afford it because of the fucking school fees! Argh.

Urgh 🙄

Hugs