What shall I do about my kids school in this situation?

[TeaOnTheMountain]

I’m currently going through a divorce, my ex has refused to declare any of his business assets so it’s been 18 months and we are no further forward. We have our first court hearing in July.
Before we separated, my kids were beneficiaries of a trust that paid most of their school fees which he has removed them from “for tax reasons”. His dad used to top them up and pay for extras but this has now stopped. He says we can only afford to pay the school fees if it comes out of my equity in the house which would then leave me unable to afford to buy somewhere / only able to buy somewhere very small.
He's given notice to the school for one child (the eldest) who is currently in y8. We have two younger children in y3 and 5.

Heres the issue: I don’t know ultimately what the court will decide in July or how things will work out but not buying a house isn’t really an option for me. I currently pay 25% of the fees and there won’t be any possibility I can pay more in the near future. He is a high earner.

There is a grammar school ~45 mins away and my eldest is 1st on the wait list for a place. There are 2x outstanding primary schools nearby both with places for my sons.

do I:

• Try to move them for September (depending on grammar places) and move closer to there when I can, long commute for now


• Move my y5 child at the end of y6 to the grammar, leave the y8 and y3 children in the prep for 3 years which would be “natural transition” points (end of y6 and y11). Would probably mean a move half way and a small commute for both. Would reduce house equity.


• wait and see what the court says and decide then


• Some other combination / option I haven’t thought of?

I’d really appreciate any guidance- there aren’t a lot of people in my life I can turn to!

What has your solicitor advised? My gut would be to leave them where they are and wait for the court hearing, if he's a high earner the courts are going to take a pretty dim view of him not disclosing assets and changing the status quo without justification.

Hi, @TeaOnTheMountain

This is really ugly behaviour from your ex and his family. Obviously the best outcome is a win at court. No one here can advise you on the chances of that; what you need is an excellent solicitor. Do you have one?

Best wishes

No advice but just to say what an absolute pig of a man to do that to his own kids. Appalling.

What a nasty piece of work your ex is - he's using your children as pawns to get more money - yuck. Would it be possible to talk to his family without him if his dad has more control over the trust? Invisibly they could be encouraging this but just in case they didn't know what he's done maybe they could overrule him. Also why would school fees have to come out of your half of the equity only? They are his children too - if they have to come out of equity they come out of both sides!! I hope you can work it out op - horrible situation to be in

His family will be strongly encouraging him so no point talking to them.

Apparently it needs to come out of my equity because he’s taking the minimum possible as a deposit after he has repaid debts to the company he partially owns (that he’s refused to disclose the value of!) from the equity in the marital home.

It’s all a nightmare and super stressful. But there’s no guarantee it would be decided in court in July - there could be another two hearings. I have a very good solicitor.

I guess I’m just looking to minimise the impact on my kids.
If we move now at least we don’t end up in a situation where they’re moving at Xmas and easier than trying to negotiate fees too in court? But maybe it’s worth risking that to see if they can stay?
I don’t know- I’m so lost 🤷🏻‍♀️

What does your solicitor say?

He says the court won't favour school fees over me buying a house / getting spousal maintenance, and we are trying to claim the trust he removed the children from is nuptial (i.e. a marital asset) but that in likelihood I would need to accept some reduction in equity to pay school fees (fair I guess?). He says not having to argue over fees too puts me in a stronger position.

My ex is also very keen for them to stay and sends me emails saying he's given notice and this doesn't have to happen if I'm "sensible about the rest of the settlement". So its difficult. I hate having their lives fought over like financial pawns, and one aspect of this is that state schools prevent that from being an issue as much?

What about calling his bluff and asking him to sign papers for enrollment into a state school. Sounds like a dick and you are well rid. Imagine giving notice of your eldest child when presumably they will be going into exam years. Shows what he thinks of his kids.

I don’t know what is right for you.

Are the outstanding primaries near to the grammar school? If so, with that advice from your solicitor, in your place I would try to resettle in that area asap, whilst driving a hard bargain that the ex should fund the eldest for a final year where he is. Transport would need to be arranged. As you say, after next year is the logical transition.

The younger children can start at state primaries now. If the bargaining fails or, arguably to make some friends in the new area now, so can the eldest. (Looking on the bright side if necessary). It is wrong that you and the DC are being put through this, but you can do it. 🍀

Personally as I am going through a messy split I would say take your power back. If there are good schools locally they can get into move them for Sept. I have a feeling this & everything else is going to rumble on for a long time & for your sanity you don’t need this hanging over your head. Look for somewhere to live near the good schools & give your kids some stability.
good luck!

Nothing constructive to add except to say he sounds like a piece of shit!

Have a talk with the head. Explain the situation. Give tentative notice for the younger two. You may be offered a limited time bursary pending court outcomes

No matter the court decision, he can manipulate his income legally every year and put you through this ordeal time and time again. Plan a September switch and make your life easier.

Also agree with taking the power back, he'll be able to hold the fees as leverage over the next 10 years and you really don't want that.

Where are you and the kids living now?

I'd move all the kids to state school and maximise your equity, put up with the commute for now, and put your game face on.

I know someone shunting their kids 90mins each way to manage a staggered house/school move over two terms and the kids are coping pretty well. The kids will adapt and thrive with your love and encouragement and support: state school isnt so bad and you show them in your positive attitude how to handle life's knocks and turns. And you give the y8 the maximum amount of time to adjust before sitting any major exams.

I wouldn't even blink about this decision. Just get it done. You've no idea what will happen in the future and you have decades and decades to support yourself and your kids through. I would write to your ex via solicitor and say you have reviewed your financial position and in light of ex's insistence you have to fund the school fees there is no option; you have selected the state schools and made the applications to move asap and will inform him of their start date at the new schools
Make sure you also provide him a priced list of the school uniform requirements and tell him you want 50% of that amount by end of June so you can order uniform timely.

Your ex is a horrible bully, he is trying to twist the knife in your gut. The need to outwit him and change the rules of the game.

I'd move all the kids to state school and maximise your equity, put up with the commute for now, and put your game face on.
So would I. Straight away. He's using this to control and manipulate you. They will be absolutely fine.

No advice but my instinct would be to take control so he couldn't keep this hanging over me - so move all of them. (But I wouldn't send my child to a private school anyway, unless in dire need, so I'm not the best person to ask.)

I would move them all to state school - BUT - when you say grammar for the eldest, what's the local alternative if the others don't pass 11plus when they are older?

My advice is to look at local schools too - the secondary schools will probably be better in a comprehensive area than a grammar area.

Also - being the new kid at school in September can mean you get lost in the new year hubbub. Starting after half term can work out better sometimes so don't think of September as a deadline. Good luck.

This is horrific and I really feel for you
arr you in Kent by any chance
i am and you can pm me if you need rl support

talk to your children’s current school for a start and tell them everything

That's true. The summer term in a good time for a move. Everyone is a bit more relaxed and there are lovely things going on in school.

I was married to a very high earner (although decent chap so none of this horror) but the key is to have a kick arse lawyer representing you
do you?

Move school now don't wait it will play into his narrative that you are money grabbing but for your piece of mind do it

Oddly enough op I recall your thread recently about having £100k to spend on an extension
Could you channel that in to fees as an option?

What a nasty piece of work. You’re all better off without him! His children will come to know of what he has done and as adults, will want nothing to do with him. I’d make sure all of his friends and family knew just what he was too.