What shall I do about my kids school in this situation?

[TeaOnTheMountain]

I’m currently going through a divorce, my ex has refused to declare any of his business assets so it’s been 18 months and we are no further forward. We have our first court hearing in July.
Before we separated, my kids were beneficiaries of a trust that paid most of their school fees which he has removed them from “for tax reasons”. His dad used to top them up and pay for extras but this has now stopped. He says we can only afford to pay the school fees if it comes out of my equity in the house which would then leave me unable to afford to buy somewhere / only able to buy somewhere very small.
He's given notice to the school for one child (the eldest) who is currently in y8. We have two younger children in y3 and 5.

Heres the issue: I don’t know ultimately what the court will decide in July or how things will work out but not buying a house isn’t really an option for me. I currently pay 25% of the fees and there won’t be any possibility I can pay more in the near future. He is a high earner.

There is a grammar school ~45 mins away and my eldest is 1st on the wait list for a place. There are 2x outstanding primary schools nearby both with places for my sons.

do I:

• Try to move them for September (depending on grammar places) and move closer to there when I can, long commute for now


• Move my y5 child at the end of y6 to the grammar, leave the y8 and y3 children in the prep for 3 years which would be “natural transition” points (end of y6 and y11). Would probably mean a move half way and a small commute for both. Would reduce house equity.


• wait and see what the court says and decide then


• Some other combination / option I haven’t thought of?

I’d really appreciate any guidance- there aren’t a lot of people in my life I can turn to!

I would say you are better off out of anything you can’t afford yourself as they are using money as power.

I hope the grammar place comes up, fingers crossed for that.

Why hasn’t he given notice to school
for the younger two I wonder. Ideally I would say try to keep them where they are and move both when the middle one has finished year 6. This would give some stability while you are trying to finalise things.

In court you need a barrister who has instructed a forensic accountant. You need a barrister who can ensure he doesn’t hide money, act irresponsibly towards the children and that you get what you need for the future. A house will be more important but I know courts don’t like anyone hiding money so your solicitor needs to get a barrister for you who likes a challenge. How was the trust set up? Who are the beneficiaries? Your DC? What happens to the money now? It’s possible to get a valuation of a company and your ex has every reason to down-value it. The trust could be valued too. Get a barrister who will put him in his place!

Your ex sounds vile.

i would move the kids to state if there are decent places available, because he will repeatedly use school fees as a way to continue to exert control. You have 10 more years of this before your youngest finished school and I don’t think private school is worth that in terms of your mental, emotional and financial drain in battling him for that long over it.

I don’t think 45 minutes travel to a grammar school is a problem if your DC can get public transport? Many of the DC at my kids’ grammars do this, no issues.

The only risk in moving the kids to state now is that the court could potentially order your ex to keep paying the fees? However, if he is already acting like this and going to keep playing games every year fees go up/over little extras etc is it worth it for both you and the DC?
I think the priority has to be a house for you and the DC and an excellent education with as little interference from your ex as possible. If you can get places at outstanding state schools, go for it and start preparing the Year 5 for grammar entry over the summer.
And just to reassure you, excellent state grammars can be just as good an education, if not better.

So I heard back from the grammar yesterday and they have offered my daughter a place which is great news.

I’m leaning towards just accepting that. I suppose my only hope is that the court would order him / he would agree to pay the school fees as my eldest really doesn’t want to move. My younger two are fine with it.
He won’t pay any child related expenses because he pays maintenance and claims he pays too much as his income has reduced (surprise huh?!) but he’s tied into this amount because it’s court ordered. At a private school that means my expenses are currently astronomical - hard ball cricket kit for the middle one was £200 last month. Just one pe top is £26. Plus the head is a prize arse. So it’s all adding up to moving them I think… but argh. Scary.

am I doing the right thing?

Move schools now. You will feel less reliant on him and he will have less "control" with which to abuse you and in turn dc.

I was given good advice when going through the same. Do what is right for you and your kids. Centre all decisions around that. That way everything will fall into place.

So from that viewpoint. Is this private school really really important? Is your security and ability to have more money day to day more important? Are you realistically going to be able to afford all the extras? Write it all down. Speak to your solicitor. Talk to your own family. But make everything about you and your kids happiness and well-being.

Move my y5 child at the end of y6 to the grammar

When is the 11+, are you just assuming they will pass?

Sadly your ex sounds horrible-I’d give notice to the private school and move all the kids out to state asap.

@notagamer that was asked on behalf of my mum - but I guess your question is ultimately what my ex is proposing and what I’m asking here.

it ultimately amounts to: do I take the money from the settlement that would otherwise go into my house and use it to pay school fees? 🤷‍♀️

I guess I kind of am.. he’s pretty bright but maybe that’s a mistake. They also prioritise pupil premium kids so they just need to get a qualifying score to get in.

there is an excellent state comp nearby but we would need to be very careful to buy in the catchment (and it’s £££!)

A secure home is more important than school fees, especially if they are sensing the stress of stbx mind games.

I know a number of people who just assumed their child would pass-nothing is ever a given.

I would put your money in your properly and your kids in state school. Sit the 11+ by all means but don’t take on any responsibility for school fees alone.

just to say that my DCs are at 2 different state secondaries and a full PE kit not including shoes is over £250, so don't assume all costs will be cheaper.

Good luck, it never ceases to amaze me how low some can stoop during divorce

Yes you are.

He has put you in this position - and for your children the main priority is a roof over their head.

You cannot afford school fees - and they will adapt

I'd be looking very carefully at the terms of that Trust if I was you. Usually there's strong wording about beneficiaries. And they'll be direct descendents of your ex husband. Who are the Trustees? Just his family? In which case why deprive those descendants (except for pure malice towards you of course). But there may be a 'professional Trustee' - a lawyer - who will take a dim view to going against the terms or spirit of the Trust. There's the heart of it - get access to the Trust

Is the grammar place for now or September? If it's now then you are going to have to take it.

My friend was in this situation, her ex has been court ordered to pay school fees for their childrens remaining schooling, plus maintenance and half the cost of trips etc. she was also awarded half the assets.

He is a very high earner, but tried to hide his income. She would never have been in a position to consider private schooling on her own.

He was awful with paying the fees, but the school did agree to wait until the result of the hearing regarding the owed money.

I've just looked at your OP and you say your kids were beneficiaries of the Trust and he removed them for 'tax reasons'. this bullsh+t OP. The whole point of a trust is it's a tax efficient way of flowing inheritance through the generations without Inheritance tax. He cannot do that on his own. Who are the other Trustees? Or are there none?
He sounds like a real arse if you don't mind me saying.

Your financial stability is really important. To have a positive life going forwards it's best to remove financial pressures. I would put a house over private school fees however you will need to work out the balance. Would it be only until yr11, so 3 years fees?

I would be pessimistic about court, is it the first hearing? You mentioned court ordered maintenance so assume there has been some previous hearings?

My reason for pessimism is judges rarely do the due diligence, you hope they will. If your ex is determined to hide money then it's usually fairly successful. I speak from experience.

Been there. Prioritise the house. I put my DC through private school with my ex and it was really stressful worrying if he would continue to pay his half. I had to get a solicitor involved after he remarried and decided he didn't want to pay. Your DC will be fine and you will be so much better off if you can cut as many ties as possible.

Are your kids pupil premium?
Your ex sounds horrible as it sounds like he could easily afford the fees. My kids have always been to state but it's hard for a kid to be taken out of a school they are already in and don't want to leave.
It sounds like moving them would be the best thing though.

Yes they’ll be eligible for pupil premium in a state school because of my income.

agree the trust stuff is bullshit - it’s a total fix. They’ve got it all sewn up though and they defend each other.

I do have a very good solicitor though and I’m going to do my best to access a fair outcome - I guess the idea that we would win on the trust stuff is the only thing that would make me hesitant to jump before court. And we will definitely need to do it before court because term ends in June and they’ll need to process and say goodbye etc. I hugely agree it will be really hard on them - especially my eldest.

it’s just so hard 😕

Please do try to find out more about that Trust. Trust law is a thing. Trustees need to behave and have a legal duty to abide by the terms of Trusts for the benefit of the beneficiaries (who your children surely are). I understand that might be difficult though if his family hold all the info and Trustees. But make sure your solicitor digs in.

Can you really afford to pay 25% of 3 sets of private school fees yet you would eligible for Pupil Premium?

@interferringma they removed my kids as beneficiaries. Does that circumnavigate it somehow? It’s a discretionary trust. Now the sole beneficiary is his father (who is in his late 60s!). It’s previously paid all the family children’s school fees (including my ex!). my solicitor is arguing it’s a nuptial trust

I'm not a legal person but have a sideways involvement in a Trust which is how I know strict rules apply. I do think it's worth checking. Who are the Trustees? They cannot just chop and change beneficiaries unless they have powers under the terms of the Trust to do so.
The whole family sound awful.
I'm actually inclined to say send your children to state and float free of them. One day your children may learn how ghastly one side of their family are