Wondering if I should take my Dd out of her private school?

[cleocleo24]

Just had quite an upsetting parents evening with dd7 teacher. She said that my dd has some gaps in phonics and maths but nothing concerning and more to do with so much time off school with lockdowns. She's getting group support in these areas. Fine. We will continue to do all we can to help her at home.

However, she said that my dd doesn't seem to like herself very much and doesn't think she's very good at things. She really lacks confidence. She used the word heartbreaking. When I mentioned it to dd she says she sometimes cries when she feels she can't do her work. A while ago she said to be so and so is really good at everything and hers everything quickly and right. She doesn't. We had a good talk about doing her best and not worrying about others and how people are good at different things.

We have sent her to quite an academic private school. Ds thrives there but I have wondered how dd would get on there. Generally she is happy at school and the teacher seems excellent. As it's smaller classes etc she is getting 1-1 and group support much more than she would probably get in a bigger class. I personally think she has the ability but she lacks confidence and can be very defiant when she decides she can't /won't do something. I feel really upset by this.

I am wondering if this isn't the right school for her and as she moves to Year 3 her confidence will be further impacted as the works gets harder, they are setted and a new intake comes in who have set exams to get there. Or if we can just work with school to boost her confidence and provide more support at home.

I was also wondering about getting her a tutor. Not so much for academic reasons but more to boost her confidence by having some 1-1 support and filling in those gaps. Maybe this is a better option as moving schools might be quite drastic.

I am torn though as I don't want her confidence to slip further and there are other private schools in our area that are known to be less academic.

What should I do?

Hi OP

I think you’ve had a bit of a hard time on here. A good tutor will make learning fun for a child - and if they improve her confidence then all the better.

For extracurriculars, would you consider signing her up to some drama classes or a choir? Something that will let her find her voice. It sounds as though she would benefit from having a different interest or extracurricular from her brother.

Very gently a strive to do your best attitude is on the pressurising side even if you don’t mean it to be - maybe change the focus to give it a go. It can be exhausting to strive to be your best. She is so young at the moment and has lived through an incredibly weird time.

In my experience if a child is struggling at school then home needs to be a safe haven away from the academic stress of school. I would be focusing very much on things she enjoys and the social aspect of things for now.

I would definitely look further at ASD and inattentive ADHD, my DD has just been diagnosed in final year of degree with the latter, her coordination issues were more evident at a young age so things got overlooked with that. She also has dyscalculia which has made Maths a bit of a nightmare.

Another perspective.

I would have called my DD bombproof before the end of year 2.

She's an august baby and at the beginning of year 3 her confidence fell apart.

She was an above average student at a state school with a great community feel. School work was easy for her and she had a great group of friends.

I did some reading around and apparently a lot of girls go through this as hormones begin to flow and they get a bit older.

She's now in year 5 and it's been a tough few years but she's starting to come out of the other side.

Covid has obviously been tough, and we've moved schools during covid, but the confidence began failing before covid even existed.

We got a tutor once a week and it's the best money we've spent.

Having 1-1 time with a teacher to secure her learning has made a huge difference in her confidence, and she's much more stoic when she encounters difficult topics.

So I'd recommend the tutor rather than moving her, and set it up as a chance to have time to discuss things she finds difficult rather than she's falling behind.

Coming at this from a different angle some other things which you can try for confidence building are:

• ask her to help you. Small things which you genuinely would struggle to do and which she can genuinely assist with. Eg ask her to zip your dress, or carry something because you have your hands full or choose the biscuits for a play date because she knows the child better. You are modelling gracefully asking for help and she is in the position of being the one to help.

-casually talk about your own childhood in terms which are complimentary to her. Eg I wish I’d been that good at cooking at your age - I learnt as a teenager and it was so much harder.

• spend time just the two of you without her brother and talk about how much you enjoy that.

• show her that you fail at things. If you don’t push yourself out of your comfort zone and try something you’re unlikely to be good at with her! Talk about being worried about not doing well at something. Talk about what you’ll do the next Time to make it better. For example you could cook a new recipe. Say oh it didn’t turn out how I wanted. I don’t think I got the taste right. Next Time I’m going to try adding more yoghurt.

• find something that she is the best at in the family and turn it into a family legend. Joke around about it. Eg better get x to plant the seeds, she’s got green fingers. Do you remember the year when only her tomatoes grew?