Wondering if I should take my Dd out of her private school?

[cleocleo24]

Just had quite an upsetting parents evening with dd7 teacher. She said that my dd has some gaps in phonics and maths but nothing concerning and more to do with so much time off school with lockdowns. She's getting group support in these areas. Fine. We will continue to do all we can to help her at home.

However, she said that my dd doesn't seem to like herself very much and doesn't think she's very good at things. She really lacks confidence. She used the word heartbreaking. When I mentioned it to dd she says she sometimes cries when she feels she can't do her work. A while ago she said to be so and so is really good at everything and hers everything quickly and right. She doesn't. We had a good talk about doing her best and not worrying about others and how people are good at different things.

We have sent her to quite an academic private school. Ds thrives there but I have wondered how dd would get on there. Generally she is happy at school and the teacher seems excellent. As it's smaller classes etc she is getting 1-1 and group support much more than she would probably get in a bigger class. I personally think she has the ability but she lacks confidence and can be very defiant when she decides she can't /won't do something. I feel really upset by this.

I am wondering if this isn't the right school for her and as she moves to Year 3 her confidence will be further impacted as the works gets harder, they are setted and a new intake comes in who have set exams to get there. Or if we can just work with school to boost her confidence and provide more support at home.

I was also wondering about getting her a tutor. Not so much for academic reasons but more to boost her confidence by having some 1-1 support and filling in those gaps. Maybe this is a better option as moving schools might be quite drastic.

I am torn though as I don't want her confidence to slip further and there are other private schools in our area that are known to be less academic.

What should I do?

@AvocadoPlant

Good grief, can you just spend some time with your children? Not doing homework with them but just having fun. Your DD desperately needs to know she is valued for herself. I know life is busy, we have 3 DC (grown up now) and despite DH having a full on busy corporate job and me working part time, we managed without outsourcing anything. That included after school activities for all 3, play dates, time with each child individually, and being around to provide support for homework.

The children learn their values (and resilience) from you.
Do they ever see you fail?
Do they get to learn from watching how you deal with burning supper, or getting a poor mark in a paper, or compromising with each other?
How you react when everyday stuff goes wrong, teaches your children what you value. And if your reaction to these is a must try harder, that’s not good enough, need a tutor, response then your DD is learning that not getting top marks is failing.

Oh how wonderful that you didn't have to outsource anything. Aren't you a champ! Such a better mum than me I'm sure. Oh do go away.

We actually both work full time at the moment, I am working and studying which makes it full time. DH has his own business which is all consuming. So please don't comment when the situations are different.

Things are rather overwhelming at the moment but it's temporary. Do you know what? I do outsource a lot at the moment SO I can have time with the dcs. I work full time and STILL take them to all activities, do play dates, homework, present as tea time and bed/bath time and I do spend 1-1 time with both my dcs. Through the week but mostly during the weekend. So don't suppose to tell me I don't prioritise my children. I do lots of things with them which aren't academic and try and build up my dds self belief and confidence everyday with time, effort and love. I don't know where she's got this lack of self belief from but I think it must be school as it's only started since she went back after the last lockdown.

She sounds to me like she might have inattentive ADHD - it’s more common in girls and not picked up until they are much older. Boys often have hyperactive ADHD and get picked up quickly due to being disruptive in class. Its a bit like your brain taking photos of what’s happening and then slotting them into a photo album so you can go back to when you need some information - a child with inattentive would start doing the same but then gets distracted and instead of taking photos of what the teacher is saying they are taking photos of the child they see swimming across the pool and these photos go into their photo album instead. Kids with inattentive ADHD are often day dreamers. Sometimes very messy.
I think it can be a big clue for you she finds boys easier - girls with inattentive adhd Miss social queues and boys don’t often care as much about these.

Plus- there is nothing wrong with valuing education and working hard. This was installed in me and I think it's a good value to have.

@ittakes2

She sounds to me like she might have inattentive ADHD - it’s more common in girls and not picked up until they are much older. Boys often have hyperactive ADHD and get picked up quickly due to being disruptive in class. Its a bit like your brain taking photos of what’s happening and then slotting them into a photo album so you can go back to when you need some information - a child with inattentive would start doing the same but then gets distracted and instead of taking photos of what the teacher is saying they are taking photos of the child they see swimming across the pool and these photos go into their photo album instead. Kids with inattentive ADHD are often day dreamers. Sometimes very messy. I think it can be a big clue for you she finds boys easier - girls with inattentive adhd Miss social queues and boys don’t often care as much about these.

Interesting you should say that. We are waiting for an assessment for my Ds for this exact thing and he is currently seeing a therapist about it.

She has some traits you mentioned but I don't think she fits the bills like Ds does. It was so obvious with him I don't know how we overlooked it. But I will definitely bare it in mind as a possibility

Love and Peace Op - we are all trying our best for our DC. I'm not going to reply to your post.

Before I go, just worth mentioning that of all the threads on this post, only 5 have agreed with you that getting a tutor is the best thing for your DD, compared to 49 posts suggesting other courses of action/asking for more detail.

But hey, what do we know?

@AvocadoPlant

Love and Peace Op - we are all trying our best for our DC. I'm not going to reply to your post.

Before I go, just worth mentioning that of all the threads on this post, only 5 have agreed with you that getting a tutor is the best thing for your DD, compared to 49 posts suggesting other courses of action/asking for more detail.

But hey, what do we know?

I appreciate that about the answers. What I didn't take kindly to in your particular post was the insinuation that o don't spend enough time with my dcs because I am prioritising other things or how fabulous that you were able to do it all without outsourcing despite the fact it sounds like you worked less

OP I mean this kindly - I’ve read through all of your posts and I must say I’m another poster who has wondered about your DD having ASD and/or ADHD. I really would investigate both. As others have said, both conditions present very differently in girls to boys, and my child with both ASD and ADHD is a boy, so I may be completely wrong regarding your DD. I must say though that from what you’ve written, I would suggest exploring the possibility that your DD may have either or both conditions.

That's really not how avocado's post sounds to me. It's hard with written messages to judge the tone.

Another one saying investigate the possibility of ASD - it presents so differently in girls. I wonder if the teacher is trying to hint at it, but not wanting to say it if it’s not on your radar yet. She sounds a lot like my 7 year old girl who is recently on the assessment pathway. It’s often at this age that the masking all gets too much for them.

I’m also not sure this school is as good as you think it is. Why was the homeschool provision so poor? And all the private schools I know have normal school albeit by zoom by the Jan- Mar lockdown, and so really the only missed school was the first one at the end of her reception. I’m surprised the school hasn’t caught that up by now (I know most stage schools haven’t but there’s a massive gap in resources!)

*Ed psych visit
*Lamda worked wonders for my daughter’s confidence if they do that at your school
*Komodo maths is good to make sure she’s secure in maths, it’s fun too and you earn different colour belts as you progress.

I do believe children shouldn’t be in academic schools specially in primary. Excellent teaching, warm, friendly environment is enough for them to achieve the best. Academic schools are put pressure, stress on the child. They Never feel unique, bright themselves because teachers always ask more and friends around them always bright. I went to super academic selective primary and secondary and I hate it! I had really good results but when I was getting lover then A* I was felling guilty because majority of my friends was achieving highest scores. I do remember, I received B- in GCSE history and I cried in the classroom. After that I heard my cousin which was in other school got B- in Maths and she was celebrating it. Children needs to enjoy while learning and feeling that they are unique even if they don’t achieve top grades.
So i prefer mixed ability school for my daughter now. I want her to feel that she is a star and unique even if she likes only sport or art etc🤍

Move school
Fresh start

@mellysmummy

I do believe children shouldn’t be in academic schools specially in primary. Excellent teaching, warm, friendly environment is enough for them to achieve the best. Academic schools are put pressure, stress on the child. They Never feel unique, bright themselves because teachers always ask more and friends around them always bright. I went to super academic selective primary and secondary and I hate it! I had really good results but when I was getting lover then A* I was felling guilty because majority of my friends was achieving highest scores. I do remember, I received B- in GCSE history and I cried in the classroom. After that I heard my cousin which was in other school got B- in Maths and she was celebrating it. Children needs to enjoy while learning and feeling that they are unique even if they don’t achieve top grades. So i prefer mixed ability school for my daughter now. I want her to feel that she is a star and unique even if she likes only sport or art etc🤍

The school is actually mixed ability. There are children there who are all different abilities and the lower ability ones are given ample support. But it does reach for a high standard. At the moment I don't think they are pushed too much in a bad way. Ds has been told he could move up a maths group but the decision has been up to him and he has decided not to. He hasn't been forced into it.

I also don't want my dcs to be in an environment like that and at the moment I don't feel like it is. I just want them to do their best, not the best in the class.

But I do think a school with high achievers can knock confidence. That's what I worry about with dd.

OP it sounds like she’s in a good school so before giving up her place I would get a tutor to support her in her weaker subjects. Not everyone can be naturally good at everything and honestly there will be children in her class with tutors. My DC is weaker in handwriting (Yr1) and we have a tutor and it’s really helped his confidence within a short space of time and he’s no longer flagging with it. Similarly academic school. If she still feels that she isn’t on par after a few months then move her to a less academic school where there is less pressure. Worth trying the tuition route before the more drastic change of school.

Another one wondering about ASD (possibly PDA), ADHD etc. It may well not be the right setting either.

Frankly any school where you are paying thousands of pounds a term and potentially for a tutor on top, and getting an unhappy child who’s not making progress is emphatically NOT a good school.

I’m not qualified to comment on any ASD/ADHD, but it is also possible just to not be that clever, particularly in comparison to a superstar older sibling.

As a former private tutor, the rampant under diagnosis of learning issues such as dyslexia in private schools was extraordinary.

I would consider investigating for dyslexia etc.

@Thereisnolight

Does she have dyslexia? I never fully “believed in” dyslexia before DD was diagnosed with it. My eyes have been opened.

This ^

It’s a difficult one, I feel so sorry for all the kids, with the past Covid school closures etc, it hasn’t been easy.

I can only speak of my experience, I have two DS’ one is very academic, the other not at all, he is dyslexic, he really struggled at school. We paid for a tutor, made no difference whatsoever, he just couldn’t retain maths formula. He only passed one GCSE, Eng Lit. He went into an apprenticeship in an area of tech that interests him and is doing really well. Everyone finds they own way. Try not to worry.

Please know that siblings have the same IQ. That's according to Stanford biologist Sapolsky. I think try to work with her, that you're going to figure this out together. Dorothy Rowe the clinical psychologist is good to read. Avoid the bright child, not bright child dichotomy, it's massively damaging.

My son is in year 3. They suffered massively during lockdown and his school is outstanding. Basically year 1 and year 2 we’re badly affected.

My son was two years behind in year 1 due to a medical problem. He’s now 2 months behind but this is with heavy huge intervention by me. We try not to let it impact on home time but we have no tv tablets Monday to Friday. And one day at weekend is family day which is basically reading board games etc
During the week he does drama football
Piano cubs and swimming and Horseriding so a lot some on his own eg piano and some as a group etc Horseriding

@Facewipes

I think your focus on the tutor and learning is likely misplaced? School said untroubled by academic level but concerned (very concerned - “heartbreaking”?) about her self image and confidence and you’ve mentioned that she’s withdrawn from other things and doesn’t have friends outside of school. I find it odd that a child at early level primary school would have a tutor rather than extra learning play etc with her parents. A tutor may further erode her confidence and mark her out from her brother. My focus would be on the emotional right away - I don’t know but perhaps involving her at looking at extracurricular stuff she might like, arranging things to do with the friends she does like, days out, making an extra point of commenting on her non academic plus points - creative, thoughtful, athletic, strong etc, one on one time with parents, treats. Also, bear in mind the problem if you are really hard on yourself is that how well you do academically is actually inconsequential - you will always beat yourself up and look on any minor issue as a huge failure. I speak as someone who does this even though I am naturally academic and did very well at (state) school, without tutors. Self criticism is a way of life and really good to try and address early on, rather than ramp up academic efforts and attempts.

This. From everything you write it sounds as if you think that doing better academically will improve her confidence. Actually, you need to teach her that her worth is not linked to her academic success.

"I guess getting a tutor makes me think it might answer some questions. As to whether it's simply the wrong environment for her, or if she had a boost of confidence she would fly. If she's really struggling academically or if she just has some gaps. I have friends who's dcs are really struggling academically at the school yet they have still kept them there. But it doesn't seem to have eroded their confidence. But with dd if it starts to erode her confidence I don't think it's the right school. A tutor might help answer those questions."

What makes you think that a tutor will shed some magical insight into what's going on with her? You want a tutor spending 1-1 time with her because you don't have the time as you're too busy with your masters? A tutor will be working on her academics, nothing more nothing less.

If you want answers about why she's struggling with her confidence and whether there are any underlying issues (neurodiversity, dyslexia) a tutor is not going to help, you will need an educational pyschologist I think.

We saw a Ed psych for a private assessment, our DS was 9 at the time, dyslexia was confirmed, he was two years behind on his learning, we paid about £400 I think, our medical insurers paid £250 we paid the rest.

@jeannie46

'Unfortunately I think she does feel that way. He can be quite mean to her about what she doesn't know compared to him and puts her down a bit. We stamp that out immediately but I am going to have a chat with him.'

And this, I guess, may be the root of the problem. He is bullying her repeatedly at home and causing her anxiety and lack of confidence. If you have noticed it, believe me, he must be doing it a lot when you are not present.

You obviously have Not stamped it out.

Until you have confidence in his behaviour and she has consequently improved her confidence you must be sure you don't ever leave him alone with her. You need to have serious words with him and then again in front of her so she knows you have her back.

I guess that you should be a lot more concerned about how you are parenting your son.

I think that this post may have hit the mail on the head.

Nail on the head... doh...