Wondering if I should take my Dd out of her private school?

[cleocleo24]

Just had quite an upsetting parents evening with dd7 teacher. She said that my dd has some gaps in phonics and maths but nothing concerning and more to do with so much time off school with lockdowns. She's getting group support in these areas. Fine. We will continue to do all we can to help her at home.

However, she said that my dd doesn't seem to like herself very much and doesn't think she's very good at things. She really lacks confidence. She used the word heartbreaking. When I mentioned it to dd she says she sometimes cries when she feels she can't do her work. A while ago she said to be so and so is really good at everything and hers everything quickly and right. She doesn't. We had a good talk about doing her best and not worrying about others and how people are good at different things.

We have sent her to quite an academic private school. Ds thrives there but I have wondered how dd would get on there. Generally she is happy at school and the teacher seems excellent. As it's smaller classes etc she is getting 1-1 and group support much more than she would probably get in a bigger class. I personally think she has the ability but she lacks confidence and can be very defiant when she decides she can't /won't do something. I feel really upset by this.

I am wondering if this isn't the right school for her and as she moves to Year 3 her confidence will be further impacted as the works gets harder, they are setted and a new intake comes in who have set exams to get there. Or if we can just work with school to boost her confidence and provide more support at home.

I was also wondering about getting her a tutor. Not so much for academic reasons but more to boost her confidence by having some 1-1 support and filling in those gaps. Maybe this is a better option as moving schools might be quite drastic.

I am torn though as I don't want her confidence to slip further and there are other private schools in our area that are known to be less academic.

What should I do?

Tough one!

Not much to add sorry, other than would moving her from a private school knock her confidence further?

She would go to another private school but one that is just less academic. The one Ds and dd are at is not too pushy so far and is fine but it is known to be more academic than other ones and is the one to get your dc into.

She's also struggling with friendships though so I worry if I move her she will struggle to make new friends. Plus I don't want her to go to a school with smaller classes for that reason. There are some all girls schools but she seems to relate better to boys so I am not sure that would suit her either! I am now unsure where I could actually move her.

I am wondering if we should try a tutor first to see if that boosts her self belief.

I'd generally say that it's better for a child to be at a less academic school than be in the bottom 25% of a more academic school. But moving school is a big step.

I think I'd try to work out whether she's just a bit behind where she'd naturally be or is just in the lower end of the cohort in terms of ability (but might not be elsewhere). If you want to, you could get an ed psych to test her, not for a specific problem, but to attempt to assess her underlying potential. We did this with my DD last year as we weren't happy with her progress and it was really useful, to get a sense of where she could/should be.

No advice but I can completely empathise with the uncertainties regarding school choice. I have no idea if I’ve done the right thing with my DS either.

Does she say she’s happy at school or not?

I'd have a look at your local schools and see if anything jumps out as being better suited to DD. Personally, I'd look at state schools as well just because it makes no sense to completely disregard possible options (and you can always go back to private for secondary).

@Fridgeorflight

I'd generally say that it's better for a child to be at a less academic school than be in the bottom 25% of a more academic school. But moving school is a big step.

I think I'd try to work out whether she's just a bit behind where she'd naturally be or is just in the lower end of the cohort in terms of ability (but might not be elsewhere). If you want to, you could get an ed psych to test her, not for a specific problem, but to attempt to assess her underlying potential. We did this with my DD last year as we weren't happy with her progress and it was really useful, to get a sense of where she could/should be.

The teacher indicated that pretty much the whole class are behind where they would normally be due to lockdown. It's only now that I am realising that lockdown had a fundamental effect on heras she pretty much missed rec and year 1. I feel so angry about how much our dcs missed out because of this and a huge amount of guilt that I didn't do enough with her during that time. I did kind of think she would be ok and concentrated more on Ds but now realise this was wrong. We have stepped up the support she's getting at home.

As a result I think she's lost confidence as she's missed out in the foundations of phonics, writing, maths etc. But she is on track in all but maths and phonics- but apparently phonics is a difficulty over the whole year due to lockdown. I would say she's towards the bottom in terms of academics though but not at a concerning level.

I expect the general ability level is probably higher than at a state school though.

What could I do to boost her confidence? We try and tell her how well she's doing and how much effort she's put in. Reassuring her it's ok if she gets things wrong etc. She gets very upset with herself if she doesn't know it.

Does she have interests and friends outside of school?

If she is struggling academically then it’s reasonable her confidence is being tested. Get a tutor (for academic purposes- you seem reluctant to admit that) and give her every opportunity to succeed academically and see if that helps her. Then focus on resilience and effort and trying new things. I’d be concerned moving schools would destabilise her more - new people, new routines, new friends etc

@user1493494961

Does she have interests and friends outside of school?

She doesn't really have friends outside of school no. Our friends were more made with Ds. None of my friends had dcs at the same time really and I didn't make friends at groups etc unfortunately. Having a toddler and baby did make it hard to make time.

Before COVID she was just starting outside clubs like rainbows where she could have made friends but unfortunately we had only done a few sessions before they stopped. We have tried a few things once things started getting back to normal but she hasn't wanted to do them. The activities she does are quite singular.

I think it might be good to start her in something with more group interaction. She's very defiant and strong willed so won't try quite a few things.

If she's struggling I think she would be better off somewhere with smaller classes where she can get more 1-1 and group support.

Surely the school should be working with you to come up with a plan? Not just presenting you with the problem?

My dd was very similar Op and the teachers worked really hard to help her feel confident.

Does she have dyslexia?
I never fully “believed in” dyslexia before DD was diagnosed with it.
My eyes have been opened.

@ThePoint678

If she is struggling academically then it’s reasonable her confidence is being tested. Get a tutor (for academic purposes- you seem reluctant to admit that) and give her every opportunity to succeed academically and see if that helps her. Then focus on resilience and effort and trying new things. I’d be concerned moving schools would destabilise her more - new people, new routines, new friends etc

Yes- think you are right. Best to try the tutor first as moving her is quite drastic. I don't want her confidence eroded anymore though by keeping her there.

She used to be very happy at school but recently I have noticed she seems less happy and isolated herself slightly. She is quite strong willed so has decided who she doesn't/does like despite many chats about this. Recently she hasn't wanted to go to school and I thought something might be wrong. She finds friendships hard.

I am going to have to think how to pitch a tutor to her as she can dig her heels in and decide she doesn't want to. In which case there won't be any point. Obviously it will be to fill in some gaps in learning but as I said the teacher actually said she has no concerns and is generally where she should be except in maths. It would be more confident.

But I am aware that the academic level goes up next year and new pupils come in who have been tested and selected on academic ability.

& your first OP could be describing her word for word.

Could you build her confidence in other ways, different club? My year 2 DD struggled with independence after lock downs, she hated to be without me after being with me all the time. But what has really helped her is doing some stuff out of school with different kids - rainbows, drama etc. that has helped her confidence enormously.

As an aside I’d be peeved if I was paying for a private school and then needed to pay to get a tutor to help with phonics and maths.

@Motnight

Surely the school should be working with you to come up with a plan? Not just presenting you with the problem?

My dd was very similar Op and the teachers worked really hard to help her feel confident.

They are. The teacher understands her very well and is very good. It is a school who focuses on the whole child rather than just academics. But I am conscious that in year 3 the gap might widen further and this will further erode her confidence especially when they sort them into sets.

My Ds is naturally very bright and really strives there. He just gets things so I expect she has also picked up on this as well as how others are doing in the class. We don't compare the two of them though.

I always think girls friendships can be more challenging, I have an older ds too and he’s never had any issues whereas my dd has! That’s why I like different out of school clubs so if school friends aren’t going well she has pals elsewhere to build her back again.

My daughter is similar although she is year 1. Moving her would be a big upheaval - and if she’s not feeling confident now it might shake her more.
Start with a tutor (don’t call it that to her) - just say ‘someone is coming to do some maths and English with you once a week so you can get super good at it’.
We’re trying this with my daughter and I so think it’s helping her confidence a bit - although it’s still early days.

As a hobby, try Beaver scouts. Our one is amazing at supporting development of confidence. I was so impressed I became a volunteer!

Just like pp above you could have been writing about my daughter and she is dyslexic. Privately diagnosed recently aged 8. School said all the same things about lockdown etc.

@Thereisnolight

Does she have dyslexia? I never fully “believed in” dyslexia before DD was diagnosed with it. My eyes have been opened.

No I don't think so. I work in education and would be able to spot this. I think she has the potential but just lacks confidence and has begun to compare herself to others and recognise what others are doing.

Hi OP, I have a DD who sounds a bit like yours, although I can't blame lockdown for the difficulties she has almost always had at school. I'm just here to say, we moved my DD's school in September when she was going into year 4. It was part of a bigger move, so the school was a byproduct of another decision, BUT

She is totally transformed at the new school. True, it is a wonderful school, smallish classes, hugely supportive. But she's absolutely thriving, socially and academically (although she'll never be top of the class, which is totally fine). It's just so wonderful to see. Before, she had frequent crises of confidence, believed she was no good and unlikable, really struggled on all fronts. Until now, I never really believed in there being a right and wrong school for a child. Honestly, I thought it was just her, and we'd just have to find ways to help her be happier somehow. But now I know, she was in the wrong environment before, and now she's in the right one. Obviously you can't know whether that's the case for your DD, but I hope our experience might give you another perspective.

Definitely get a tutor. We got one for DD1 for maths after the first lockdown, when she was just finishing yr1. We made the decision due to clear gaps (became obvious after having sat with her for all her home learning for several months), a lack of confidence, and something else we couldn't quite put our finger on. We had tried to fill the gaps ourselves, but the other 2 issues made it impossible. She is now confident in her abilities, achieving well in maths, and the 'unknown' is now a documented SEN (after the tutor told us specifically what we needed to push to be looked at). Her school have now put things in place to help her with the parts she struggles with, rather than just passing her off as a less able child, which is allowing her to reach her potential. DD's regular tutor sessions are term time only, but DD enjoys them so much she often asks to arrange extra ones in the school hols. It has been a huge success and worth every penny IMO.
It's definitely worth a try before the upheaval of moving schools.

Agree with the PPs about also having something outside of school she is good at too. Being amongst the best in the club for her chosen sport (at her age & stage) has been a massive help to DD when she's felt like she's behind or failing at school. It reinforces the idea we're all good at something/can't be good at everything.

My DD also struggles with the complexities of female friendships (as did I as a child), so I have encouraged her to befriend a lovely group of boys who have similar interests to her. She is finding this much easier, and doesn't come home complaining about lonely playtimes and mean girls any longer. Might this be a option for your DD?

I would get a tutor to close the gaps and get her potential assessed as others have suggested. If her inherent potential even after closing the gaps will leave her in the bottom of the cohort at her very academic school, I’d move her as long-term it’s unlikely to be the right fit.

In the meantime definitely get her involved in something outside of school that will help boost her confidence.

Good luck as it’s so tricky

I think I would be asking the school for support OP. You are already paying for a private school, it seems bonkers to then have to pay for a tutor in Year 2 already so that your child can keep up in phonics and maths. If the teacher says the whole cohort is ‘behind’ then am guessing that must mean behind where the class would have been if the pandemic had not happened. So, the school will be putting a plan in place, it shouldn’t up to individual parents to get tutors for their Year 2 children.

If you think your DD might have dyslexia or another support need then that’s a separate issue and should be explored regardless of getting a tutor. As if that is the case, the school would need to employ different strategies to work with your child’s needs.