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Original poster

Private school fee grandparents offer dilemma

79 replies

PetronellaDilemma · 16/09/2021 14:41

Generous offer from family to pay private school fees for my dc for secondary.
Only trouble is the eldest is in year 9 already. Has been offered the opportunity to move but doesn’t want to.
Other kids are year 6 and year 2.

For context the local state academy secondary is well regarded and gets good results but is huge (12 form entry)

Dc1 is doing ok and has a group of friends hence not wanting to move but there are things I haven’t been 100% happy with like multiple teachers for the same subjects, also that maybe she’s not getting pushed as much as she should (attitude to learning has slipped and so have marks in some things). But it has great facilities, great choice of subjects at gcse, great trips, easy journey (free bus end of the road) so a short day etc etc.

Dc2 is quiet, middle of the road academically I think. The private school we’re considering is small (50ish per year, 2 form entry).
I think it would be nice for her but not convinced it’s necessarily better in terms of preparing for the big wide world, grades etc, but have a feeling she’d be ‘protected’ there. It’s v nurturing etc etc

Youngest one, has not had a great start to primary thanks in part to covid and the local primary maybe having a tricky time with staff turnover etc.

I feel like if it wasn’t for dc1 being at state we might think private was better for the other two? But how much of a factor is it.
Any experiences of not doing the same for all kids? Is it going to cause issues?

Dc2 currently wants to follow in her sisters footsteps and go state with her friends but we haven’t looked at the private one yet and she would know a couple of people altho they’re not close friends

Any words of wisdom wise Mumsnetters?

Feel like if we do go private for other 2 and LOVE it then I’ll just feel really bad that dc1 missed out.

OP posts:
pianolessons1 · 16/09/2021 14:58

What happens if their financial circumstances change and she's at a critical point? Have you got enough savings to pay for a year or two til she could move e.g. for sixth form rather than halfway through GCSEs?

moch · 16/09/2021 15:06

I would never ever allow grandparents to pay my dc school fees. That way lies future trouble. Trouble with interference with dc education "after all we paid or are paying for it", feelings of being beholden to them for everything and not being able to say "No" when its crucial. Lack of boundaries also It may seem like a good idea now, but what happens if in future youfall out?

FabulousIAm · 16/09/2021 15:09

Watch Gilmore Girls....

Brooze · 16/09/2021 15:10

Private schools for the younger two and tutoring for the eldest.

ItWearsTheBatteriesOut · 16/09/2021 15:13

Depends on grandparents finances, if they become sick will it be considered as deprivation of assets and will you be liable? You'd need advice. Will they cover the extra fees? Why have they decided now and not when dc1 moved to secondary.

Tbh I think like a pp, that here lies trouble.

CoronaPeroni · 16/09/2021 15:15

If you weren't thinking of private before their generous offer I would decline and ask them if they would consider a savings fund maturing at 21. (Equalling out of course). This could then be used towards uni costs, gap year, house deposit etc

custardbear · 16/09/2021 15:17

@Brooze

Private schools for the younger two and tutoring for the eldest.
I agree with this
CliffsofMohair · 16/09/2021 15:17

@FabulousIAm

Watch Gilmore Girls....
😂
titchy · 16/09/2021 15:22

A two form entry at secondary sounds waaaay too small. No chance of meeting a wide range of people or finding your tribe, stifling and limited GCSE options - what if there's only two that want to do Music for example? Limited drama, choir, sports teams. Plus vulnerable financially.

Agree a savings vehicle for adulthood house buying would be more sensible and equitable for all. Or a uni fund for all.

Lunificent · 16/09/2021 15:22

It’s apparently very typical for grandparents to pay fees for the school I work at.

viques · 16/09/2021 15:23

I assume the Y6 is for next year, ie Y7 I don’t think a private school with such a small intake will have much choice for GCSE subjects, I imagine they cover the basics well, but if your DD decides her interests lie in say STEM subjects, or drama, or pe would they have the facilities to offer them. I also wonder if such a small school attracts many academic students, I know you say your DD is middle of the road, but you need sparky kids to inspire other students (and teachers to be frank) I would worry that it all got a bit vanilla , nice kids, nothing too demanding.

I would hold off for the Y2 it hasn’t been a great time for young primary kids, let her have a settled year with friends and a school she knows before considering more change and disruption.

If grandma has the money suggest she starts accounts for them earmarked to support the University years.

AnotherEmma · 16/09/2021 15:28

@CoronaPeroni

If you weren't thinking of private before their generous offer I would decline and ask them if they would consider a savings fund maturing at 21. (Equalling out of course). This could then be used towards uni costs, gap year, house deposit etc
This
EwwSprouts · 16/09/2021 15:29

I would never ever allow grandparents to pay my dc school fees. That way lies future trouble. Trouble with interference with dc education "after all we paid or are paying for it", feelings of being beholden to them for everything

^^This.

EL8888 · 16/09/2021 15:30

At the risk of sounding obnoxious but why now? Wouldn’t it make more sense for them to have offered before the eldest was approaching secondary school? It’s a tricky one as on one hand it could be a great opportunity but do your children actually want to do it? Are you happy for them to make that choice

RedskyThisNight · 16/09/2021 15:32

50 is way to small for a year group at secondary school.
Keep the eldest where she is and use money for tutoring/enrichment.

Only accept the money from GPs if they can guarantee they will cover 7 years of secondary school and will not interfere. No way on earth would I let my parents do this - they would expect to micromanage everything and for me to be eternally grateful. You may have better relationships :)

Henlie · 16/09/2021 15:41

Does the money need to be used for school fees? If we’re assuming 7 years of private school fees being approx £150k per child (give or take, depending where in the country you are) so £450k in total. Maybe they could each have this amount in a bank account to use as a house deposit - which given the current climate we’re in would give them a very good start(!). That way everything is fair, and you’re not beholden to them for your children’s education.

Remaker · 16/09/2021 15:42

If you were happy with state education before then I would just stick with it. A friend of mine asked her family for help with private school fees and it has turned into a real nightmare. Her very bright, high achieving child turned into a typical teen with no interest or motivation to study. And the grandparents are getting very cross about their investment being wasted. Meanwhile I’m wondering why any of them are spending the money given the child is going backwards, when you could do that for free at a government school! But it is tough enough to be worried about your child, without the extra stress of the bill payer getting involved and stressing everyone out.

Madcats · 16/09/2021 15:46

I would respect DC1's views for now (but maybe suggest that you visit a suitable school primarily with 6th form in mind). It will be a pain to move in a GCSE year unless tuition/attitude etc really is bad. If you do want to move, do it ASAP as private schools often select different examining boards for GCSE's.

I am assuming that DC2's "possible school' is Junior/prep. If a secondary only has a 50 pupil year group their GCSE options are going to be extremely limited and friendship groups might be a challenge. I'd check the boy/girl mix for her year. It is not uncommon for children to move in year 6 if they want to go to a selective Indie for secondary. Entrance exam prep is probably underway.

It sounds sensible to move your youngest. Maybe enrol her in a few out of school clubs and/or keep in touch with some of her old friends.

I'm not sure how to phrase this politely, but make sure that the grandparents are able to afford this through to age 18. 3 x school fees probably won't give them any change from £50k/year. What happens if one of them needs to go into a nursing home in 5 years time?

If they don't end up paying for educating all three, I think I would approach the GPs to ask whether they would consider funding an ISA for each child.

Moved DD to Indie in year 3 and don't regret it in the slightest (though I was careful to select the right school).

LadyDanburysHat · 16/09/2021 15:50

@titchy

A two form entry at secondary sounds waaaay too small. No chance of meeting a wide range of people or finding your tribe, stifling and limited GCSE options - what if there's only two that want to do Music for example? Limited drama, choir, sports teams. Plus vulnerable financially.

Agree a savings vehicle for adulthood house buying would be more sensible and equitable for all. Or a uni fund for all.

I agree with this. That is a very small school for secondary. It will massively limit friendships and subject choices. My DC go to a 10 form entry state school (I went to a similar school), and I wouldn't call it massive, just large. They have the benefit of an enormous range of subjects, and they can really find their friendship group that may have been missing in primary. In fact my DC had larger year groups at primary than 50.
OakPine · 16/09/2021 15:59

Why on earth would you send some kids to private school and your others to state school. Treat them all the same. If you can't afford it then send them all to state school.
And it is very unlikely that the grandparents offer comes without strings attached. What if they run out of money half way through school. Can you make up the difference.
Much better to simply ask them to set up a uni/house fund for each child.

Staryflight445 · 16/09/2021 16:00

I’d be worried my children would be treated like the runts of the litter considering I couldn’t afford for them to be there myself and the holidays/ homes/cars/ belongings would be massively different.

Not that I place any value on those things, but I really wouldn’t want them to be treated differently for not having them.

Antinerak · 16/09/2021 16:13

Keep the eldest at school but be prepared to provide tutoring if needed. Youngest 2 can go to private for a year and try it out. They won't be bullied or treated differently if they arrive in a shit car or don't go to polo or go on holiday for 6 weeks a year. If they don't get on with it or don't settle they can go to the same school as eldest.

I don't think they'll have issues going to different schools, especially as the option is open for eldest to go with youngest 2 too.

I'm not one to encourage private education but it's worth a try for a year at least. It really suits some children.

TartanJumper · 16/09/2021 16:18

@CoronaPeroni

If you weren't thinking of private before their generous offer I would decline and ask them if they would consider a savings fund maturing at 21. (Equalling out of course). This could then be used towards uni costs, gap year, house deposit etc
I wouldn't do this. They have offered to pay school fees, I would not feel comfortable saying "No, but if we're talking money..." I would personally consider the school fees option the only option they are offering. If eldest child has been asked if they want to move to private and decline, then that's that, really, at their age. I would consider it for the next two, if it was me.
TolkiensFallow · 16/09/2021 16:27

I really wouldn’t ask for the money instead, they aren’t offering money, they’re offering private school fees.

Sootess · 16/09/2021 16:41

It's actually very common for grandparents to help out with school fees. And I've known families where grandparents foot the whole bill.

Whilst I agree the school does sound a little on the small side it's not always the problem people on Mumsnet think it is. We have a small (2 form) school near us and it offers a very good range of subjects. I've known several kids go there and never had a problem with subjects they wanted to take.

HOWEVER I the think your problem lies in the fact you/grandparents have left this too late.
Most families who are going to go private for secondary prepare their children for this in last couple of years in primary so child is fully aware they are not moving on with their friends. Your eldest has already made the move to a good secondary and is settled there. Usually people will only make the move to private during secondary years if there is then a problem with the state school.

If you feel private will benefit the younger 2 then go for it. Your DC1 is the dilemma. Personally I would not go private for 2 but not the third.
I've known families do this and it does cause a sense of having been treated differently, even if it's unspoken. If your reasoning is that they were happy and wanted to stay at the state school they may question why the grandparents didn't make their offer in time for them.

You may just need to make the decision for your eldest, visit the proposed school, taster day, find someone who goes there they can get friendly with. Loads of positive vibes for all of them about how great it will be and how they'll make loads of new friends.
But from experience, the younger you move them the easier it is.