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Original poster

Private school fee grandparents offer dilemma

79 replies

PetronellaDilemma · 16/09/2021 14:41

Generous offer from family to pay private school fees for my dc for secondary.
Only trouble is the eldest is in year 9 already. Has been offered the opportunity to move but doesn’t want to.
Other kids are year 6 and year 2.

For context the local state academy secondary is well regarded and gets good results but is huge (12 form entry)

Dc1 is doing ok and has a group of friends hence not wanting to move but there are things I haven’t been 100% happy with like multiple teachers for the same subjects, also that maybe she’s not getting pushed as much as she should (attitude to learning has slipped and so have marks in some things). But it has great facilities, great choice of subjects at gcse, great trips, easy journey (free bus end of the road) so a short day etc etc.

Dc2 is quiet, middle of the road academically I think. The private school we’re considering is small (50ish per year, 2 form entry).
I think it would be nice for her but not convinced it’s necessarily better in terms of preparing for the big wide world, grades etc, but have a feeling she’d be ‘protected’ there. It’s v nurturing etc etc

Youngest one, has not had a great start to primary thanks in part to covid and the local primary maybe having a tricky time with staff turnover etc.

I feel like if it wasn’t for dc1 being at state we might think private was better for the other two? But how much of a factor is it.
Any experiences of not doing the same for all kids? Is it going to cause issues?

Dc2 currently wants to follow in her sisters footsteps and go state with her friends but we haven’t looked at the private one yet and she would know a couple of people altho they’re not close friends

Any words of wisdom wise Mumsnetters?

Feel like if we do go private for other 2 and LOVE it then I’ll just feel really bad that dc1 missed out.

OP posts:
tofuschnitzel · 16/09/2021 16:51

What about putting the money aside for university or a house deposit? I think that would be more beneficial to all three of your children, rather than one missing out because she is settled in her current school.

Original poster
PetronellaDilemma · 16/09/2021 17:09

Thanks everyone

To answer questions - yes I think they can afford it (something to do with payout of business my dad was a partner in before he retired, and have offered for all 7 grandchildren, my dc1 is eldest. One of my siblings has already taken up on it for my niece who was just about to go into yr 7 and they got a last minute place somewhere.

I work in that area and would not be deprivation of assets as they are not in need of care or likely to be at the moment and it’s not deliberate.
We would have some buffer if they couldn’t pay for any reason but I think it’s unlikely.

Really good point about interference etc.
My dad has potential to be like this eg if any of them developed an attitude problem or weren’t perceived to be putting in the effort.

I’m not sure about having the money instead… I think they would pay for enhancements eg tutoring and trips

My dad mumbled about equalising things if we didn’t take up on it but I don’t think I could ask for a lump sum instead.

The school I was talking about is secondary, would be for my dd2 for year 7.

I don’t see foisting a move on the eldest as an option and she’s just started her gcse options and is really enjoying them. One is a subject that only large schools would offer.

I have provisionally enquired about a tutor for middle one to prep for entrance test as I thought even if we don’t go for it will not be money wasted as will improve confidence hopefully and fill in some covid gaps

Appreciate all the thoughts and perspectives thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
PetronellaDilemma · 16/09/2021 17:11

It also doesn’t help that there’s not really a private school locally that I would think is ‘the one’
The sweet nurturing one is a bit small and altho there’s a bus is a little out in the sticks.
There’s one more very nearby but has a reputation for being academic and pressures so I don’t think would be a great fit and I wouldn’t think she’d pass the entrance exam with just a term of tutoring.

I do think the small school is lovely abs people with kids there are really happy but people always generally are when they’re paying aren’t they. They need to believe they did the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
PetronellaDilemma · 16/09/2021 17:13

Oh and there’s lots further away but I travelled for school and really really don’t want my girls to do that

OP posts:
Madcats · 16/09/2021 17:43

We're just coming into open day season in my city.

DD's school has a reputation for being too a academic, but I think the vast majority of the students are quick on the uptake and they have great teachers.

Henlie · 16/09/2021 17:46

It’s a difficult one. If I were in your parents position, I think I’d just put the same amount into seven bank accounts in each of the Grandchildren’s names for house deposits to be used at age 25+ or whatever. Going down the private school route isn’t going to be equal...and if you don’t take it up will you/your children get exactly the same amount given to you? And if one private school costs more than the others will they equal that up too?

Original poster
PetronellaDilemma · 16/09/2021 17:48

No he’s sort of said up to £5K a term so your average independent school not the super expensive public schools

OP posts:
chocolateoranges33 · 16/09/2021 17:48

I wouldn't send any of my DC to a 2 form entry school for secondary- far to few people to find 'your tribe' as mumsnet puts it.

Both my eldest DC have gone to a 12 form entry state secondary and are happy. I think having multiple teachers per subject is a good thing as they get different styles of teaching and each teacher has their own strengths.

Do what's best for each child as their needs probably are different but certainly don't put your oldest into private if they don't want it.

Henlie · 16/09/2021 17:51

Ok, so he’s willing to pay £105k for each child? Is it on the cards you could ask for that amount to be put into a bank account for them if you weren’t to take them up on the offer of the schooling? Especially given your first child is halfway through secondary..

Original poster
PetronellaDilemma · 16/09/2021 18:39

I can’t assume that if we decline we’ll get the lump sum instead

As I mentioned I think he would pay for ‘enhancements’ like tutoring or trips.

I need to sound him out on that but it’s kind of awkward. And he’s said ‘he’d love to see them at private school’ so it’s really not just an offer of cash.

OP posts:
pianolessons1 · 16/09/2021 18:50

@PetronellaDilemma

No he’s sort of said up to £5K a term so your average independent school not the super expensive public schools
Where do you live? no/very few private schools in the SE are < £5k per term now and with inflation I doubt that any in the UK will be in a few years. School fee inflation runs at 5-10% per year. would you be expected to top up?
Original poster
PetronellaDilemma · 16/09/2021 19:05

No he’s factored in inflation
We’re Hampshire

OP posts:
stripedbananas · 16/09/2021 19:06

Are there better schools further away where they could board a couple of nights perhaps.

No point pointlessly sending them to a local not so great private school just because it's private for the sake of it.

Original poster
PetronellaDilemma · 16/09/2021 19:20

I’m not sure on that but not up for them boarding any nights, sort of financially and ideologically. I don’t want them to travel, my work means they need to be able to get there under their own steam, I don’t want them to have a long school day due to travel and I do want them to have local friends.
I do totally get that private isn’t always better and it depends on the school so wouldn’t do a local private one for the sake of it.

OP posts:
GU24Mum · 16/09/2021 21:55

Slight curveball but it sounds as though the youngest has missed most so why don't you look at a private junior school.

Original poster
PetronellaDilemma · 17/09/2021 07:09

Actually I had been thinking about that.
The one I’m drawn to is the junior school for the most conveniently located senior school (but one that I feel wouldn’t suit middle child due to being v academic and needing more time to prep for the engaged exam, tricky to get in at yr 7 etc). And the junior school is located very close to the state secondary which happens to be in the next village on my way to work. So logistics wise it would work well and it’s a better size. We’ve booked to go to that open day.
One option might be eldest at state secondary but with option of tutoring on top if needed. Youngest take a different path at private junior possibly progressing to that private senior if it suits her.

OP posts:
Laughingpoliceman · 17/09/2021 07:24

Sounds like your dad just wants the thought of them being in private schools cos they are private and not cos there is one that is better than the state school!!! Your girl sounds very happy!! Never move a happy child it is a precious commodity these days!!! I would send the others in her footsteps!!! Your Dad is complicating things that don’t need complicating although he is trying to do a nice thing, maybe for the wrong reasons!!!! Trust the parenting you have already done your kiddos sound great!!!!!

Secretroses · 17/09/2021 07:37

What a kind offer from your parents. What about private sixth form for the eldest?

Laughingpoliceman · 17/09/2021 07:37

Also I moved from one boarding school to another at your girls age and it was so hard as everyone had friends already!!! You are right to worry about moving her and to decide to keep her put!!!! I did alright in the exams cos I worked hard but friendships was tough at first!!! Really I should have stayed in old school as I was happy but my dad was a snob and the second one was posher!!!!!

LizziesTwin · 17/09/2021 07:44

There are lots of really good state secondaries in Hampshire & sixth form colleges. Universities are making more and more efforts to ensure private school entrants aren’t over represented, I would turn down the offer.

Original poster
PetronellaDilemma · 17/09/2021 12:57

Yes thats what I was thinking about privates and university. If they can be happy and get same marks at a state school then potentially they are better off in that respect.

And we do have good state schools. We are in the corner of east Hampshire near the Surrey and West Sussex border so if you know the area you’ll know which schools ok referring to. They are good and well thought of but both the nearby ones (run by same academy trust) are large.

OP posts:
tofuschnitzel · 17/09/2021 13:04

@PetronellaDilemma

I can’t assume that if we decline we’ll get the lump sum instead

As I mentioned I think he would pay for ‘enhancements’ like tutoring or trips.

I need to sound him out on that but it’s kind of awkward. And he’s said ‘he’d love to see them at private school’ so it’s really not just an offer of cash.

Could you perhaps approach it by saying that it wouldn't be equal for all the grandchildren as they are all at different stages in their schooling. Your oldest child would only have a few years of private schooling if she did change school, whereas your youngest would have the whole of secondary years paid for. Something like that anyway. I would hope that grandparents would want to be fair in a situation like this.
EdgeOfTheSky · 17/09/2021 13:21

Do not move the eldest. Not just as she is starting GCSES, has a stable group of good friends, and doesn’t want to move!

IF the middle one wants to go I think that would be fine. The eldest has been given the offer and didn’t want to go. She may like to go for 6th form. But lots of school 6th forms are better than an average diet of private school. At my Dc’s schools there was a huge influx into 6th form of kids coming from private schools.

Why is it that your Dad would ‘love to see them in private school’?

Placido · 17/09/2021 13:44

Large schools aren’t an issue per se - I went to Millfield which is a whopper and my other half went to Eton which is also large. Our children are at a large comp which is part of an academy trust and are flying - they have great groups of friends, good teacher, good extra curricular and sport. I would happily pay for the offering but as we don’t have to we put it towards supporting them at university (£500 each per month on top of the loans I am told).
Sounds like your sister had a melt down before her eldest started and now your parents feel if they need to pay for hers they need to pay for all? Otherwise why not offer before your eldest started?
I agree with PP, trust your parenting - your eldest is happy and flourishing for a reason, offer the others the same opportunity as her - a great local school is a real privilege IMHO.

Henlie · 17/09/2021 14:40

Could you perhaps approach it by saying that it wouldn't be equal for all the grandchildren as they are all at different stages in their schooling. Your oldest child would only have a few years of private schooling if she did change school, whereas your youngest would have the whole of secondary years paid for. Something like that anyway. I would hope that grandparents would want to be fair in a situation like this.

This....especially as you hadn’t been even thinking of private schooling before your parents suggested it. And are happy with the school your eldest is at. Have you spoken to all your siblings about it? If so what do they think?

Surely it would be simpler, and fairer all round for a lump sum to be given to each grandchild...and/or yourself and your siblings to do as you see fit. From what you’re saying it sounds as though your parents have earmarked around £750k to be used on grandchildren’s school fees, based on the fact you mentioned 7 grandchildren at £5k a term for 7 years.
Assuming you’re one of three children, maybe the fairest way would be for your parents to split the money between the three of you, and let you all decide what you want to do with it - be it money to pay for Schooling, university, house deposits or even paying your own mortgage off/towards it. I’m guessing this isn’t on the cards...and your parents want the kudos of telling friends/family they’ve paid for private schooling for all their grandchildren. 😏