Private school fee grandparents offer dilemma

[PetronellaDilemma]

Generous offer from family to pay private school fees for my dc for secondary.
Only trouble is the eldest is in year 9 already. Has been offered the opportunity to move but doesn’t want to.
Other kids are year 6 and year 2.

For context the local state academy secondary is well regarded and gets good results but is huge (12 form entry)

Dc1 is doing ok and has a group of friends hence not wanting to move but there are things I haven’t been 100% happy with like multiple teachers for the same subjects, also that maybe she’s not getting pushed as much as she should (attitude to learning has slipped and so have marks in some things). But it has great facilities, great choice of subjects at gcse, great trips, easy journey (free bus end of the road) so a short day etc etc.

Dc2 is quiet, middle of the road academically I think. The private school we’re considering is small (50ish per year, 2 form entry).
I think it would be nice for her but not convinced it’s necessarily better in terms of preparing for the big wide world, grades etc, but have a feeling she’d be ‘protected’ there. It’s v nurturing etc etc

Youngest one, has not had a great start to primary thanks in part to covid and the local primary maybe having a tricky time with staff turnover etc.

I feel like if it wasn’t for dc1 being at state we might think private was better for the other two? But how much of a factor is it.
Any experiences of not doing the same for all kids? Is it going to cause issues?

Dc2 currently wants to follow in her sisters footsteps and go state with her friends but we haven’t looked at the private one yet and she would know a couple of people altho they’re not close friends

Any words of wisdom wise Mumsnetters?

Feel like if we do go private for other 2 and LOVE it then I’ll just feel really bad that dc1 missed out.

@Henlie
I think that the grandfather is after the ‘right kind’ of grandchild which is what led to the offer to pay for the ‘right kind’ of school. Not sure it has anything to do with academic opportunity - more a social thing. My FIL and DF were like this when we told them their GC were going to the outstanding state secondary rather than the utterly uninspiring, on the brink of closure private school. You could see them thinking ‘what will I tell my friends’ !!!! That generation of privately educated men don’t seem to get how good a state education can be at the right state school, just on a matter of principle that ‘one does private’.

@titchy

A two form entry at secondary sounds waaaay too small. No chance of meeting a wide range of people or finding your tribe, stifling and limited GCSE options - what if there's only two that want to do Music for example? Limited drama, choir, sports teams. Plus vulnerable financially.

Agree a savings vehicle for adulthood house buying would be more sensible and equitable for all. Or a uni fund for all.

A two form entry sounds quite normal to me. It's what I had and so did my son. There may not be as many people as at a bigger school but there will still be quite a lot, and diverse.

There was plenty of sport, drama and music at our schools.

Just to add, I'd have been delighted for grandparents to pay for anything. In your case, op, I would thank them and suggest that they allocate money for each child, to be used as required. That is fair.

@moch

I would never ever allow grandparents to pay my dc school fees. That way lies future trouble. Trouble with interference with dc education "after all we paid or are paying for it", feelings of being beholden to them for everything and not being able to say "No" when its crucial. Lack of boundaries also It may seem like a good idea now, but what happens if in future youfall out?

this. My children all went through private schools and I was very pleased with them but no way would I have done it if someone else was paying for it.

Wow @Plumtree391 a two-form entry secondary is very small.

Most state schools round my way are 7/8-form entry, 200-250 pupils in a year, 1000 or so in total (depending on if they have a sixth form).

A very small school (there are a few) would be 500-600 pupils so about 100 in a year. The biggest school in the area is 2000 pupils.

I really don't think a secondary school of 250 pupils in total is going to offer a range of GCSE options or friendship opportunities. Music, theatre and sporting offer must also be limited. It's worth considering OP.

I thought I would check.

My old school is still going strong and over subscribed. It has an average of 650 pupils; when I was there it was five hundred and something.

Son's school (my husband went there too), has 1,150 (approx) pupils but that includes the junior school and sixth form, ie aged 3-18; I couldn't find a breakdown.

Neither seemed like small schools at all and both achieve excellent results across the board, including sport and drama. They are certainly going strong and likely to continue that way.

I think pps are right that it’s sort of a social thing that has motivated him. But also I think an (outdated perhaps) belief that private is definitely better, and he wants to give them the best start.

One sibling has accepted the offer for her (only) child who has just started year 7.
This sibling attended the very small nurturing secondary I am considering, and loved it, has very fond memories. Her child is going somewhere similar close to where they live.

My other sibling has 3 kids who are 6 and under. It’s a good offer for them because my brother in law teaches as a very expensive public school (own uniform, call teachers by their own name, lots of celebs) sort of thing. So his discount plus the grandparent offer means they can access that when they would not have been able to afford it otherwise, even with the staff discount. They haven’t completely decided but are probably going to accept.

650 pupils is around 130 per year (if a 11-16 school) and still probably 100 a year if a 11-18 school though. Big difference from 50 in a year group.

@OakPine

Why on earth would you send some kids to private school and your others to state school. Treat them all the same. If you can't afford it then send them all to state school. And it is very unlikely that the grandparents offer comes without strings attached. What if they run out of money half way through school. Can you make up the difference. Much better to simply ask them to set up a uni/house fund for each child.

Why wouldn’t you send each child to the school that best meets their needs? In our case that included a state grammar and a private school. Why do they have to be treated exactly the same when they aren’t the same?

Not all grandparents want to exercise control, it’s entirely possible that there are no strings attached. It’s also unlikely they’d be offering school fees for multiple children if there was any chance of them running out of money.

@Plumtree391

I thought I would check.

My old school is still going strong and over subscribed. It has an average of 650 pupils; when I was there it was five hundred and something.

Son's school (my husband went there too), has 1,150 (approx) pupils but that includes the junior school and sixth form, ie aged 3-18; I couldn't find a breakdown.

Neither seemed like small schools at all and both achieve excellent results across the board, including sport and drama. They are certainly going strong and likely to continue that way.

500 and something is a lot more than two-form entry tho, unless the forms are 50 students. I went to a school with 600 girls and it was not big. Bigger than 250 studnets tho. The OP doesn't say if it is single sex which makes a difference IMO as well

tbh I'd be a bit annoyed that this offer came when my brother had 3 children about to start school and not when the eldest grandchild was starting school. It might have been something you could have taken up if it had been offered before your eldest ended up most of the way through state schools. you can't move her now. Funny also that he didn't offer it when your sister's child started school.

Call me cynical but I suspect your dad wants your brother's three kids to go to the very famous public school.

@Pallisers as I said upthread, that generation of male is rather blinkered. I would be 😡!! OP - you are doing a fab job anyway, trust yourself.

Disagree with the view that 50 is too small. We chose a school with 60 (3 classes) because of the school, not the size of it. It really depends if that school does ‘small’ well.
There are plenty of sport, friendships and GCSE options.
See if more pupils come in at Y9 and A-level.

DD goes to a fairly standard private girls day school. Until year 10 i wouldn't have said that the teaching was much different (although they did very well through the pandemic which the local state schools generally didn't).

BUT in year 10 was when it all became worth it. Class sizes were much much smaller. Focused mentoring and teaching. Small discussion groups (history class has 6 and Art has 5). I wouldn't have wanted that small a class for younger years but at this point it's such a bonus.

So although you are happy with you DDs current large state school you might not realise what the actual benefits are as I probably didn't until much later.

@dalrympy
I have three DD’s one currently in year 10 at a large comp. She is absolutely loving life. Loves doing subjects she picked (from a very wide choice including 3 languages) loves being in good sets, loves the brilliantly equipped arts room that she can go to at break and lunch to hang out and sketch in, loves doing Duke Of Edinburgh, playing sports for her school, having a wide social network on top of her closest group of friends. She is a peer mentor, she is also one of the referees when primary schools visit to play move up competitions, she does drama, music, debating, triathlon on top of her team sports. Best of all it is such a great lever board for uni which is bigger and more diverse again.

@dalrympy

DD goes to a fairly standard private girls day school. Until year 10 i wouldn't have said that the teaching was much different (although they did very well through the pandemic which the local state schools generally didn't).

BUT in year 10 was when it all became worth it. Class sizes were much much smaller. Focused mentoring and teaching. Small discussion groups (history class has 6 and Art has 5). I wouldn't have wanted that small a class for younger years but at this point it's such a bonus.

So although you are happy with you DDs current large state school you might not realise what the actual benefits are as I probably didn't until much later.

I do take your point But that’s weirdly one of my fears, if we DID go for a small private school for dd2 and we DID love it and see the advantages eg of small classes, then I’d just feel bad for dd1 missing out. At the moment I feel broadly positive about her large comp But I don’t have anything to compare it to really. But maybe that’s better.

And moving dd1 is really not an option I’m considering. As a pp said why would you move a happy child.

Plus is it going to create issues between siblings with the differing lengths of school holidays

I agree that if you can't send them all private, you don't send any.
My older brother went private, me and my sister went to state, it has caused a lot of resentment.

@Petrarkanian

I agree that if you can't send them all private, you don't send any. My older brother went private, me and my sister went to state, it has caused a lot of resentment.

This is what I would be concerned about, so I too would send none of them if I couldn't guarantee to send all.

The fact that your eldest is now settled and happy in year 9 at a good local state school makes this offer even more of a dilemma. Like you, I would not want to move them. The timing is just totally wrong unless in a couple of years that child actually wanted to move for 6th form.

I'd be more likely to send them all to the good local state school. I would suggest that the grandparents invested the money for the children so that it could help finance them through university (if that is what they want) or as the deposit for a house purchase when the time comes.

It does sound like a kind offer from your Dad, but I would be wary of possible strings attached as he would then be very invested in things.

A bit of flexible thinking is required, if he is willing or able to do that. Or does he have his own very set ideas on things?

"Call me cynical but I suspect your dad wants your brother's three kids to go to the very famous public school."

This. And he feels he has to also offer private school to his other grandchildren - except that it's not the same, given that your oldest is already several years in.

@EwwSprouts

I would never ever allow grandparents to pay my dc school fees. That way lies future trouble. Trouble with interference with dc education "after all we paid or are paying for it", feelings of being beholden to them for everything

^^This.

No I disagree.

It totally depends on the relationship you have with your parent.
My parents are paying for my two dcs. They are NOT using that as a tool to get whatever.
They just want the best for their only grand children

@PetronellaDilemma

No he’s sort of said up to £5K a term so your average independent school not the super expensive public schools

That is low for your average decent secondary- even in the North You have to add on so many extras- compulsory lunch etc

Does he have a spare £100k a year for 7 years- in cash not in housing?

I’d enrol other two private and see how DC1 gets on. She might change her mind for sixth form? Sounds like your younger two would have a good time at a smaller more nurturing school.