Are we ambitious enough? Will we regret it?

[Hoopa]

I am questioning myself. We have 3 DC and live in a lovely rural area. They have all gone to our local village primary school and generally thrived - the odd issue but when I look back I just see happy, thriving children who loved the experience and had lovely friends and a relaxed childhood. We decided to send them to the local comp and they are again, for the most, absolutely thriving. They have lovely groups of friends, are achieving academically, enjoy sports and do out of school activities that they have happily stuck with. All good right? But sometimes I question myself when I am around other people who have children at private schools or grammar schools. Am I missing something? Should we have pushed for more? We felt the school was good enough and happy and the older children we know there have gone on to good universities, but is there something I haven't realised and should have pushed for? Both DH and I went to private schools and it was ok, but we didn't feel that it was a perfect experience and we aren't massively high achieving although we have interesting careers, so we didn't feel a need to replicate what we had. But now I wonder if I will regret it one day and there is something I haven't realised! When I am with friends whose children go to private school or grammar school, all our DC seem the same, but maybe they aren't to other people! Am I letting my children down by being too relaxed?
We could rejig our finances and pay for private school (although then we couldn't give them a house deposit as we are getting near to be being mortgage free so I imagined we would do this one day.) Or we could try and move them to a grammar ( they are all in top sets so I think they would get in if there was room of course) but that would be a long commute.
Should I stick with my gut which is that a happy local school is good enough, or should I up my ambition levels?

Stick where they are. Grammars and private schools aren’t all “better”. Some of them can be utterly miserable places for children. Parents talk about it to justify their own decisions.

Ultimately if your children are happy and doing well then they are in the right place.

It’s hard to comment without knowing what kind of gcse/A levels are achieved at your current school. But I think you prefer your local school anyway, and you can’t just “move” children to a grammar, but maybe they could try for an academic sixth form at a private school/grammar when they are older..

I went to a private school and hated it. Happy and thriving is what I'd want for anyone.

@Choristerparent1 the children in top sets get good results, about 5 to oxbridge and lots to RG. You need a 7 or above at GCSE to study that course at A level. So it seems academic enough to me, but some people chose the long journey to grammar or to private school (I get that second choice more as more sport built into the school day, but our clubs are very good locally so that seemed enough for me.] You say I am happy with the school, but it is more that I am happy with their happiness and relaxed life, lack of stress and easy commute and local friends, as well as a supportive and happy school environment but I worry that means I am not ambitious enough for them. Maybe I don’t care enough about that extra grade or two and maybe I should - don’t want regrets later!

Given the choice between that or private school I’d infinitely rather give my kids the house deposit.

And be able to support them through university.

@MiddleParking

Given the choice between that or private school I’d infinitely rather give my kids the house deposit.

I’d always pick the top education, give a man a fish, feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, feed him for life. I’d want the best chance on my child being able to earn enough to pay her own deposit.

However op on saying that if your kids are happy then stay as is, they will find their own way in life and it seems a good school.

Everything sounds fine. I would only move if they are unhappy or you needed to move area. Moving them could cause all sorts of issues especially if they don't find new friends. If they are unhappy their work standard could go down so it could be counter productive. Nothing you have said gives a good argument to move them. If you're worried about their grades why not just pay for a private tutor.

I've chosen the local comp for my 2 dds. Dd1 left a couple of years ago with 3A* at A Level. So she didn't do too badly academically. I'm not sure how a grammar school or private school could have got her any better results, tbh. Of course, she's now struggling with her mental health and dropping out of uni as she needs to come home to recover. So her academic achievements at school mean very little right now, as I'm fully focused on getting her mentally healthy again.

Dd2 starts at the comp in September. She's a fairly high achieving child as well. I'm confident she'll get the same/similar grades at the comp as she would if she went to the grammar (private isn't an option for us). But at the comp she'll have her friends within walking distance rather than a half hour car journey away. She'll be able to do after school activities because she can just walk home afterwards, rather than having to get a train on her own. Etc.

I really think these choices depend on the schools available to you. I'm happy with the school my dds were/are going to, but if we'd been allocated a different local school I would have sent them to the grammar school even though it was more hassle and a much longer commute. A good comp caters for clever kids just as well as a grammar, but a poor comp will have issues.

@Bluntness100 I agree on valuing education and I do, but they seem to be getting a good one - both academically and in life terms. Not a world class private one, but in most countries what they are getting would be seen as very fortunate, and I do feel blessed.
My husband and I did have those private educations and we are really rather mediocre!
I suppose I question whether we should be ambitious and push our children or let them find a direction for themselves (with support of course), and I have always thought the latter more powerful, but sometimes when I am with parents raving about what their school provides I question myself that we are too relaxed!

Blimey OP, I could have written your post, right down to the three children, the top sets, the "good enough" rural school that gets decent results, local clubs and activities, choosing house deposits and a more relaxed pace of life over independent education and a commute. Like you I have nagging doubts, especially when I see other families making very different choices.

It's compounded by the fact we live in what has turned out to be an extremely wealthy village (we liked how pretty it was, but had no idea) so despite knowing probably a dozen families here, we are the only ones sending our children to the "local comp" - all the others go to private schools.

I honestly have no idea if we've made the right choice. I think so. The children are happy and can grow at their own pace. For us, independent would have been a big stretch financially, whereas without the fees we have an extremely comfortable life. I do get the "teach a man to fish" argument, but there is no guarantee that private school will lead to better outcomes and I've seen my extremely well qualified younger cousins really struggle to get on the housing ladder while renting and trying to save for a house deposit for well over a decade.

We do supplement with a bit of tutoring to make sure they get adequate one-on-one support in subjects DH and I feel less able to support ourselves.

Oh for a crystal ball, eh?!

@MsAwesomeDragon you sound fabulous and so do your DC’s. I am sorry to hear about DD struggles, it is such a hard time to be that age with all that is going on, and I am sure she will come out the other end, you sound so supportive. LIke you I thinkour comp is lovely and the academically bright kids do well and the practical and bright kids have a great range of BTecs and the children who struggle have great SEN support and the local friendship set up is fabulous - I couldn’t want for more until I find myself wondering why people are driving themselves in to the ground to drive miles for one potential extra grade. Do you think some people are just comp snobs?

I'm going to share my back story as I think it's relevant. I was state educated from 4-18. I got a scholarship to a private 6th form but decided not to take it. My (not massively good) state sixth firm didn't offer further maths and I ended up doing maths plus two sciences and got AAB. I went to Manchester to maths (but also got into UCL and Imperial - so probably could have gone anywhere bar Oxbridge). I subsequently graduated and got a graduate job with PwC surrounded by the privately educated! Fast forward 15 years, I'm a senior manager in the NHS with a nice and very comfortable life.

If I'd have gone to the private 6th form, my best outcome would've

@cheeseismydownfall always lovely to hear that someone else feels the same way. And also that they struggle with their cheese eating compulsion!

I'd agree that a good education is a precious gift and would make sacrifices to make that happen. However, children who are enjoying and thriving at school are probably in the right place and will find their own way in the world. If their classes are not being disrupted by bad behaviour by others they have as good a chance as anyone else.

If one or other was getting upset with tears etc you might have to make them. While they are working well, I'd stick with that.

When I was first looking for somewhere to live after Uni, I did wonder why my parents had wasted so much money on educating me when they could have bought me a flat with the same money. 😀. The people I mixed with at Uni all seemed quite similar underneath, once I got to know them, regardless of their backgrounds.

It was quite the eye opener to me, after hearing about the horrors of comprehensive at my own school.

You have happy thriving teenagers. Honestly, I think you'd be mad to throw that up in the air and see if it turns out well, properly mad.
They'll go to good uni's from what you said. What more could you ask for?

Oops!

If I'd have gone to private 6th form I'd have done four a levels including further maths and possibly have got four As. My school would've pushed me into oxbridge which I might have resisted, probably to do physics / whatever they call it at Cambridge (which I don't like), as I'm not bright enough to get into do maths. In all likelihood I'd have ended up in a similar graduate scheme and followed a similar trajectory. It certainly wouldn't have made me happier and there's a good chance it would have made me less happy.

My long winded point is, for bright kids the gains are marginal and as long as they are achieving somewhere near their potential and are happy they're probably better off where they are.

Keep your DC where they are. It’s what happens after school that matters. As long as your DC do well enough at school, that’s all they need. The people I know who went to private school and Oxbridge ended up with quite ordinary jobs. I too was a high flier at school and university but do something very averagely paid now.

I think it's a question of perspective. If your ultimate goal is that your children achieve high paying, prestigious jobs and financial success, maybe you would be better off sending them to private school. But if your ultimate aim is that they are happy, well rounded individuals, able to form positive relationships and have balanced, satisfying lives, it sounds like they are in exactly the right place.

Thanks everyone you are reassuring me that we are doing good enough by them. That is my gut feeling but someone triggered feelings in me yesterday that I wasn’t trying hard enough and I find it hard to voice back to them that happy is enough for me - it feels sometimes like if your children aren’t world class athletes, heading to oxbridge and with a glittering career ahead of them you have failed. I just want my Dc to be happy and have healthy relationships and find a career that makes them smile (most days!) and support networks when they meet issues. But somehow the culture of parenting now seems to say that isn’t enough..

You have it absolutely right, OP. Bright children at a reasonably good comp, with supportive parents are likely to get just as good grades as those educated privately. Perhaps look at it as being lucky that yours are bright enough and supported enough so that they don’t need the extra help that spending £120000 (or whatever) on each would give. We took that approach and have used the money we saved to help our children in other ways. And they have both done very well academically.

Don't ever underestimate the value of your child being happy. That really is worth a lot.

My dd is at a state comp, and thriving. We could have chosen independent but decided it wasn't worth it. DD has friends at the local private schools. I have friends with children at other private schools. I do not think that they are getting a better education or a better experience.

@MiddleParking

Given the choice between that or private school I’d infinitely rather give my kids the house deposit.

Yes, absolutely. My observation is that those who've been given substantial financial support as adults (and these days, house prices are so out of step with salaries that having a good job is not enough to guarantee you can do it yourself) are in a much better position than those who didn't - they simply have more choices. By my age (late 40s) what sort of education anyone had is largely immaterial.

Thanks everyone. Reading your messages is so soothing to the soul! The thing that set me off yesterday was bumping in to an old friend who moved her DD to a private school from our village school at age 8. She was moaning because they have had to downsize to keep paying fees after her husband had mental health issues and took time off work, she was saying how awful it was to get rid of things and have no garage (major first world problem!) Then she started moaning that she spent so many hours a week in a car picking them up from after school activities and weekend school and sports and that she hadn't realised how much of her life would be in a car - the school is 30 minutes away. Then she moaned about her daughter and how hard she is being and her friendship issues.

So I 'smiled and waved' as I always try to do (meanwhile thinking there are starving people in the world get a grip) and then went home and questioned myself, thinking there must be something TRULY AMAZING going on at that school to warrant being that unhappy to make it happen for your children, otherwise they would be at the local comp with mine.

Please ignore this comment if it doesn't seem helpful to you: how is your own self esteem? It might be useful to do some work on yourself, to give you more confidence in your own choices, which sound pretty good to me.

One thing I have recognised in lots of people, including the privately educated, is an outward confidence coupled with an inner 'not quite good enough' uneasiness.

All the best.