Are we ambitious enough? Will we regret it?

[Hoopa]

I am questioning myself. We have 3 DC and live in a lovely rural area. They have all gone to our local village primary school and generally thrived - the odd issue but when I look back I just see happy, thriving children who loved the experience and had lovely friends and a relaxed childhood. We decided to send them to the local comp and they are again, for the most, absolutely thriving. They have lovely groups of friends, are achieving academically, enjoy sports and do out of school activities that they have happily stuck with. All good right? But sometimes I question myself when I am around other people who have children at private schools or grammar schools. Am I missing something? Should we have pushed for more? We felt the school was good enough and happy and the older children we know there have gone on to good universities, but is there something I haven't realised and should have pushed for? Both DH and I went to private schools and it was ok, but we didn't feel that it was a perfect experience and we aren't massively high achieving although we have interesting careers, so we didn't feel a need to replicate what we had. But now I wonder if I will regret it one day and there is something I haven't realised! When I am with friends whose children go to private school or grammar school, all our DC seem the same, but maybe they aren't to other people! Am I letting my children down by being too relaxed?
We could rejig our finances and pay for private school (although then we couldn't give them a house deposit as we are getting near to be being mortgage free so I imagined we would do this one day.) Or we could try and move them to a grammar ( they are all in top sets so I think they would get in if there was room of course) but that would be a long commute.
Should I stick with my gut which is that a happy local school is good enough, or should I up my ambition levels?

I would imagine some people go private for the networking opportunities it may offer in later life, old boys club style.... Also most private school kids I have come accross have a very certain type of polish /confidence that my state school kids don't have despite being extremely eloquent & mannerly... Its intangible, I can't put my finger on it but privately educated kids seem to have a great "sense of self"...

@Oneweekleft
You are so right. Comparison is the thief of joy! I am so delighted with what I am getting (and in most countries it would be seen to be the ultimate education) its just that when people rave about their DC's schools I wonder if my happiness is misplaced and that I should be ambitious for more. But I think I am just ambitious for them to have the most ordinary of lives, which makes me sound very mediocre!

They are getting ....not I am getting!

@Jerseyshore12
But I went to a private school and I don't have that at all. Quite the opposite in fact, as did many of my peers. And my friend's children don't, quite a few of them are struggling with anxiety and mental health issues.
Maybe it is only the top top schools that give this illusive 'polish' and surely not all children at those schools have it, so maybe it is due to coming from huge wealth and parents who instil it in you just by being who they are? Not sure you can buy that, I suspect it is a birthright. And I am very sure polish does not equate happiness, it is an exterior thing not an interior one, often masking huge issues.

It sounds to me as though they are getting a wonderful education and are happy, rounded kids. Do what is right for you.

The private school "polish" is just a veneer in my experience, even from the so-called "top" private schools. Many privately educated people who I know are good at projecting an outward air of confidence, but that most definitely does not translate to inner confidence as far as I can see - quite the contrary, in many cases!

People who pay always justify their decisions!! Of course they do. Everyone would think they were total idiots to pay upwards of £20,000 a year for mediocrity! And they knew it!

Therefore you have to concentrate on instilling ambition in your own dc. Of course not all grammar and privately educated dc are polished! These schools have all sorts of dc. You can help by ensuring your dc are articulate. I do think drama helps with confidence to speak. Do they do this? However personality tends to help confidence and some dc are quiet and always will be!

Unless you can afford a very good private school, stay put. Or possibly consider for 6th form. Evaluate very closely what might actually be better though. Is it really value for money? Your dc will have goals partially influenced by you. If you are concerned about lack of ambition, up your game. Look at all possible avenues where they could be ambitious and ensure they apply to the best universities and not the “good enough” ones. Look at careers early and aim strategically for them getting the best advice along the way. The privately educated dc won’t have any advantage then!

Let them be happy where they are but always aim high.

@paralysedbyinertia

It’s definitely an external confidence but I wish I had it! That’s all you need to get through an interview / public speaking.

There are plenty of thriving and happy children in grammar/private schools. You don’t have to put down other’s choices to justify yours. Private school parents are not “total idiots”, in fact you have to be pretty smart to earn enough to pay for a private school. It would be silly to pretend that a top state comp can offer same opportunities as a top private school. Children spend most of their day at school, so it’s worth paying for those extras.

@Choristerparent1
I haven't put down the parents or the schools. I have never used the term 'total idiots'!!! I have merely talked of my own experience at private school, which was fairly average, and then of my children's happiness. I have quoted an example of a friend who is running herself in the ground to achieve 'better' but not criticised her for it.
This has been a lovely supportive thread, please don't change the tone, you sound really belligerent.
@PresentingPercy I think (hope) we do encourage them to aim high - but I think because we are in very unique careers we try to encourage them to aim high in finding the thing that makes them happy and pursue it like mad, which we both did. We earn very averagely but have interesting careers. I hope that them seeing us work in our very 'visible' industry shows them the value of really hard work. And the school does brilliant career talks and also has a 'relevance' curriculum where they can see what eg. maths and English can be used for in a wide variety of jobs.

@Choristerparent1

Plenty are paying with grandparent support / inheritance. It doesn’t always mean the parents are smart. But I agree no need to tear other parents choices down.

@MiddleParking

Given the choice between that or private school I’d infinitely rather give my kids the house deposit.

That’s the decision I made. My parents very generously put money in trust for each of their grandchildren, which we could have spent on private school. But the state schools where we live are very good, and I definitely felt that a decent deposit for a first property would be the greater gift.

[quote Simbaspetmouse]@Choristerparent1

Plenty are paying with grandparent support / inheritance. It doesn’t always mean the parents are smart. But I agree no need to tear other parents choices down.[/quote]
I’ve heard that many times, but yet to meet a family with grandparents covering their grandchildren’s secondary school fees. All my friends are paying themselves. I am not denying that it’s possible, but the wast majority of parents covering the fees by working in high paying jobs.

I had an experience of both private and state schools and for me it was a no brainer to send children private (with lots of sacrifices). But I can also see why some parents would prefer a good state school as an alternative. I am sure the children will end up in the same universities, just the “journey” there is going to be different.. and I think if you can, it’s worth paying for it/travel a bit further.

I agree entirely @Choristerparent1 that the journey will be different - but no journey will be 'better'. There are pluses and minuses to all choices about education and varying outcomes even within families.

@Hoopa

Thanks everyone you are reassuring me that we are doing good enough by them. That is my gut feeling but someone triggered feelings in me yesterday that I wasn’t trying hard enough and I find it hard to voice back to them that happy is enough for me - it feels sometimes like if your children aren’t world class athletes, heading to oxbridge and with a glittering career ahead of them you have failed. I just want my Dc to be happy and have healthy relationships and find a career that makes them smile (most days!) and support networks when they meet issues. But somehow the culture of parenting now seems to say that isn’t enough..

Sounds like you have absolutely made all the right decisions! Happy kids, doing well = great job!

It’s natural to ponder the alternatives but sounds great to me.

@Newgirls Thank you! It's a tough old game this modern parenting lark isn't it - I find the choices bewildering sometimes.

I also really enjoyed the fact my children didn't have to travel far to school.
It embedded them in the community. They had a take in it and vice versa. That's win-win. And local friends too.
They soon flew the nest at 18 but it was so nice that they had those years being part of a community in the broadest sense.
OP it sounds like you have a lot of justifiable faith in your children's abilities. They may become top athletes or scholars at their local school, and by doing so they help create a virtuous circle whereby talent isn't drained away and sent elsewhere. They may also become well paid tradespeople or anything else. How nice to have that mix.

@Choristerparent1
I think you totally misunderstood what I said earlier. I have met many parents who believed the very average little private school was way better than a local state school when it plainly wasn’t. Especially in the primary sector. Few parents will ever admit that their £20,000 pa was not well spent. Who would publicly admit that? Of course they big up the schools and their choices. Who would admit to spending vast amounts of money for very little gain (if any)?

However when looking at the quality of dc in the state schools (which many of the private parents never did) they would have seen Oxbridge bound DC and others who were well served by their state schools.

I did pay for a top private senior school without any sacrifices and I do know the difference between them and lower quality comprehensives. However, again, plenty of parents kid themselves that paying automatically means better and it simply doesn’t.

Op- your dc are happy and doing well. Be happy unless you can afford the best. Spend your money wisely. Evaluate what makes a difference and what you can do as opposed to what a school can do. Sometimes the schools do a huge amount and sometimes very little. We chose a lifestyle for DDs via school. It was valid for us but wouldn’t suit everyone.

@PresentingPercy thanks so much for supportive words, mumsnet can be so lovely! My DH was at one of the very top boys schools and really didn’t make the most of it and did rather badly academically because he was a lazy teen, so I think we are both aware of how you can’t buy a miracle through a school, more like pot luck to whether it is actually worth it or even if they will enjoy it. But we do worry sometimes! We do lots of interesting travel and museums and we have the sort of careers that mean they meet a lot of people and learn about life through them, and they have very high flying wider family who we spend lots of time with. I hope they are getting plenty of ambition backed up with a heavy dose of reality, but me and my siblings all turned out so differently so I expect we have lots of surprises coming when they make their life choices, I can’t wait to see what they choose to pursue they are all so different.

My DDs are very different. One is a barrister and one designs Lingerie! Hey ho!

@PresentingPercy
That is brilliant - and I am sure both passionate about what they do which is all we can hope for. They sound fabulous.

I’ve heard that many times, but yet to meet a family with grandparents covering their grandchildren’s secondary school fees.

I don't know anyone who isn't relying on grandparent help to at least some degree. Private school fees have risen at a much, much higher rate than incomes and I know several privately-educated peers who "should" be able to afford fees (doctors, lawyers etc), and who could have comfortably done so a generation ago, who either can't afford to do the same for their children or who are being helped by grandparents.

Personally, I'm not a massive fan of the privileged private school culture in the UK. The "polish" that people describe is often just a more palatable way to describe a sense of entitlement and superiority - and it is this that is what (at least in part) many parents are actively paying for.

We've lived overseas and our children attended a fee-paying school. It was wonderful - all the good bits you'd want, like smaller classes, more space, proper art and science facilities, happy, well behaved pupils and teachers with more freedom to teach. But it was utterly devoid of even a sniff of elitism - the fees were less than half the typical fees in the UK which helped (and no, it wasn't because of a cost of living difference), and which was reflected in the lack of gloss and the down to earth culture. I've never seen the equivalent in the UK sadly.

I’ve heard that many times, but yet to meet a family with grandparents covering their grandchildren’s secondary school fees. All my friends are paying themselves

Would they tell you if they weren't though? I'd imagine you'd have to be pretty close friends for them to do so. My DB and SIL have 2/3 of their private school fees paid by grandparents. They tend not to broadcast this.

@UserAtRandom

I’ve heard that many times, but yet to meet a family with grandparents covering their grandchildren’s secondary school fees. All my friends are paying themselves

Would they tell you if they weren't though? I'd imagine you'd have to be pretty close friends for them to do so. My DB and SIL have 2/3 of their private school fees paid by grandparents. They tend not to broadcast this.

We are all foreign, so we find discussing finances much easier. :)