Are we ambitious enough? Will we regret it?

[Hoopa]

I am questioning myself. We have 3 DC and live in a lovely rural area. They have all gone to our local village primary school and generally thrived - the odd issue but when I look back I just see happy, thriving children who loved the experience and had lovely friends and a relaxed childhood. We decided to send them to the local comp and they are again, for the most, absolutely thriving. They have lovely groups of friends, are achieving academically, enjoy sports and do out of school activities that they have happily stuck with. All good right? But sometimes I question myself when I am around other people who have children at private schools or grammar schools. Am I missing something? Should we have pushed for more? We felt the school was good enough and happy and the older children we know there have gone on to good universities, but is there something I haven't realised and should have pushed for? Both DH and I went to private schools and it was ok, but we didn't feel that it was a perfect experience and we aren't massively high achieving although we have interesting careers, so we didn't feel a need to replicate what we had. But now I wonder if I will regret it one day and there is something I haven't realised! When I am with friends whose children go to private school or grammar school, all our DC seem the same, but maybe they aren't to other people! Am I letting my children down by being too relaxed?
We could rejig our finances and pay for private school (although then we couldn't give them a house deposit as we are getting near to be being mortgage free so I imagined we would do this one day.) Or we could try and move them to a grammar ( they are all in top sets so I think they would get in if there was room of course) but that would be a long commute.
Should I stick with my gut which is that a happy local school is good enough, or should I up my ambition levels?

Sorry @Hoopa my message crossed your last post. Sounds as if you have a grip on it all.

@FinallyHere Happy to admit that my self esteem isn't always great, probably from my own school days if I am honest, or maybe just my personality. But I have always tried to parent with my 'gut' over my 'worried head' and my gut is that my children are very happy at their comp - its outstanding (although I don't always think that really gives a true indication of a school) and it is a happy lifestyle with a short commute and a lovely community.
I suppose we all just want to come out the other end of parenting (although there isn't really another end is there, my parents still worry about me I am sure!) feeling that we made the right choices, so I do question myself sometimes.

Your children sound happy, thriving and bright. Save the money for house deposits as that’ll make the rest of their lives and their children’s lives continue to be happy and bright.

@ifyougetthechancedoit Thanks for sharing. You sound like such a lovely person and a great success story!

I went to a good local comp, top of the class yadayada, then when i was 15 i was sent to private school, halfway through my GCSEs, new school didn't do some of the GCSEs I was doing, different exam boards etc so the change totally derailed my progress. I did ok in my A-levels and went on to Uni but I do feel I would probaably have done better staying at the comp both academically and emotionally.
Now maybe if I had gone to private to school from the start it would have been different but don't underestimate the effect moving will have on teenagers.

our eldest is 14 and a complete brainbox, he could easily have got a scholarship to private school or passed the 11+ to go to grammar (over an hours journey) but we decided local school was better for him mentally and emotionally and practically rather than a huge long commute each day and not being near any friends

@Hoopa 5 children off to Oxbridge each year?????? That’s far more than the very highly thought of (and eye watering it expensive) independent school by me.

@Zodlebud I think that is why I find it hard to believe some people will traipse so far for ‘better’. The sixth form is selective though in terms of the grades you need to do each subject so it means that the children are very able - it gets a fair amount move to it from the independent sector. No contextual offers though as it has high attainment throughout Ks3 &4. But most importantly it is a lovely happy environment (for the most part - it is full of teens so clearly it isn’t some sort of utopia!)

They are happy and thriving where they are. You can't ask for more than that really.

I moved schools aged 13 just because we moved areas. It was private to private. I never really made friends as they already had their friendship groups established. I was reasonably popular and had friends at the first school; had pretty much no close friends from 13 until I went to university at 18. Moving schools can be really tough even if there are good reasons to do it. If they're happy where they are I would totally leave them be.

‘Happy and thriving’ sounds wonderful to me, and I would absolutely leave them in the school that is helping them to flourish. I think it’s very normal to look at friends who are making different choices for their children and it can be easy to equate ‘paid education’ with ‘better education’ but it certainly is not always the case. I also have 3DC, at the local state primary and secondary schools. Walking to school and having local friends are both bonuses but most importantly is if they are happy and flourishing in that school environment - really, what more could you ask for? I also think a state school community is more likely to have a diverse mix of kids and be more of a reflection of the ‘real world’ that they will be expected to navigate as adults, which can be no bad thing.

Your kids sound like they'll do fine. You're switched on, and are thinking about their future, they're happy, and are achieving in top sets.
Can only give our personal experience in that our two were similarly educated: both had full sets of A stars at GCSE and A level and went on to Cambridge and Durham. One is now doing a masters at LSHTM and the other is working. Honestly if it's not broke don't fix it!

We’ve done both. Our state sixth form college was superior in every way to the
independent’s offering.

If you feel there are any gaps, some additional home tuition can close them.

I’d stick with the happy kids, if I were you

PS our DC achieved this without extra tuition so don't feel you need to get sucked down that route necessarily either!

@shallIswim Thanks so much your DC sound like fab people!
@DenisetheMenace Really interesting to hear a perspective from both angles. I think sometimes the marketing hype is so glossy that people believe that everything will be miraculous at an independent school but that certainly wasn't our experience of our education which made it easier not to get sucked in to it, although for some reason I do still question myself when I hear people raving about what their school offers (whilst at the same time they are complaining about fees/ travel/time/long holidays)

I'm reading this thread with interest having recently made a decision not to accept independent school place for DS in September but opting to stay at his London comp due to being unsure whether I could comfortably afford private for him plus younger sibling and therefore unsure whether it was worth it. I'm really heartened OP to hear your children are thriving at a local school and reassured by comments from you and others here who went to private school about it not always being 'best'. My own motivation for sending DS independent wouldn't solely have been about outcomes because as 1 poster said, for bright kids the difference may be minimal. It would also have been about breadth of opportunity to try out different subjects, sports and activities as well as being in a happy, healthy environment. So many have mentioned being able to plug the opportunity gap with tutoring/outside school activities and it also seems from the comments there's no guarantee of children being happy in any school. Reading this thread I'm feeling more confident about my own decision not to go private.

Hi OP, I think if you have thriving DC, that's all the answer you need.

Having said that, I think there is a huge positive to being in an environment where children are encouraged to be ambitious / want to excel / exceed their potential (and told they're capable of that). That should come from school (and I don't think any particular category of school - state / grammar / independent - is better, it really depends on the ethos of the particular school) but also from home.

If you feel the school is doing that well - instilling that confidence / pushing the expectations but balancing that pressure with MH awareness - I wouldn't be paying out for a different school / consider moving them away from their established friendship groups as the added value of a private school / grammar doesn't seem worth it.

Sounds all good OP. You only started doubting yourself once you started comparing. Those parents have got their own reasons for private and their individual circumstances. You have made an informed choice for your children and decided overall the comp is better for them- that's not unambitious.

I think it’s normal to question your choices but we sent our children to the local comp and have never regretted it.

Mine are older now, both got top grades in their GCSE’s and the eldest who is year 13 has a place at Oxford University as long as he gets his predicted grades. I never thought that would be possible 13 years ago but he has thrived in all the local schools and the secondary school have nurtured his ability and supported him totally.

It sounds like your children are happy and I think that is an important ingredient for success!

I went to state school and couldn’t have done better academically but I’ve always struggled with confidence and I think I have a more mediocre outlook on life as a result of my upbringing! I’m very happy but I have underachieved despite an Oxbridge degree. Who knows if I could have been different though.

I looked around a private school for my son yesterday and it didn’t seem wildly different to my school but the children were all encouraged to answer in class and were confident enough to speak to the headmaster. I would have been dying inside at that age We have decided that it’s too long a drive for our son who is only 4 (also live rurally) so we are going with the village school 🤞🏻

@Simbaspetmouse

It sounds like your children are happy and I think that is an important ingredient for success!

I went to state school and couldn’t have done better academically but I’ve always struggled with confidence and I think I have a more mediocre outlook on life as a result of my upbringing! I’m very happy but I have underachieved despite an Oxbridge degree. Who knows if I could have been different though.

I looked around a private school for my son yesterday and it didn’t seem wildly different to my school but the children were all encouraged to answer in class and were confident enough to speak to the headmaster. I would have been dying inside at that age We have decided that it’s too long a drive for our son who is only 4 (also live rurally) so we are going with the village school 🤞🏻

I am like you. Cambridge degree but ace always lacked confidence. In my case this might be due to undiagnosed autism but maybe not.

Anyway, I went to private school and it didn't make me confident. I was intimidated by the other girls especially those who looked down on me as we clearly didn't have as much money as their families did.

I don't think a private education is a guarantee of a good outcome.

@bitheby

It’s so true you never know how alternatives will turn out. Just have to cross your fingers and hope for the best. I’m happy with what I’ve achieved anyway but I think on paper it probably looks like I could have done better. Who knows if I’d be happy working all hours in the city though.

I know I would have hated it! Nearly all my peers that did it did it for a limited period and then switched careers.

I started in a corporate professional role and burnt out pretty quickly. Then a series of public sector jobs which was always what I was about anyway: helping people.

On paper, I haven't done as well as I could but knowing my full history and the fact that most diagnosed autistic people aren't in paid employment at all, then I'm doing alright.

I would take happy over 'successful' every time.

@Pembelimum
Glad that this thread helped you too, it makes me feel so much more confident in my choice and that happiness is the top criteria, and that a comp is more than good enough if they are thriving there.

@Simbaspetmouse
Wow you sound just like me, except I was at private school. I have always lacked confidence and I sometimes wonder if it was being in a school where excellence was expected all the time.
I think at the end of the day your personality is who you are wherever you go to school. They can't alter genes.