Did using state schools over private make a difference in your experience?

[Bulblasagnes]

If you chose to use the state sector when you could afford private, for altruistic or idealistic reasons of wanting to participate in the state sector and support the betterment of the state sector for the benefit of everyone, do you think it actually made a difference to other children at your child’s school? Or to the school?

I have always planned on sending my DC to state schools all the way through. I am confident that with our support they would be fine academically and go onto achieve whatever they wanted. DH and I attended top universities and are both in highly skilled professional jobs. To our surprise after a few sharp pay rises we will be in a position to easily afford private secondary when the time comes. In addition, there is an all-round fantastic private school locally (a boys’ school, for DS, the oldest) which has brilliant facilities and teaching in sports, music, drama and so on, in addition to great academics.

Between the two options we have, I still don’t think it will necessarily affect university options, but I do think DS could have a lot of fun and pursue many activities to a high level at the private school, which he wouldn’t be able to at the state. I also think the private school would help with DS’s confidence issues.

My heart is still with the state school option but I want to be sure that depriving my DC of those experiences and possibilities at private school will really make a difference to others. Otherwise it just feels like I’m making them miss out for no reason.

There’s just no contest between the kids private and the state option. We happen to live near two fantastic and highly desirable private schools that many travel quite far to get to.

@Umbrellospagello he’s a few years off secondary, I feel he’s a bit young to have the discussion. I’m not that keen to make him aware of such differences

@MadKittenWoman

DS went to our local outstanding state school, unlike most of his friends who went private. He is on for a first in a RG university, while most of his ex-classmates either dropped out as they couldn't cope with different environments and different types of people, went to a less-prestigious university or are in low-paid jobs. It very much depends on the young person involved.

And if you have an outstanding State school available Many do not

Ah fair enough I also wouldn’t let him choose at that age. Are you thinking of moving him now or for secondary? As you might have a while to decide. If you’ve got plenty of funds then I would just go with whatever you think is best for your DS. Do you have other children to consider?

From my own point of view I went to a state comp and couldn’t have done any better academically if I’d gone elsewhere. However I think a lot of my peers probably could have done better and it wasn’t really ‘cool’ to be clever until quite late on in school and people suddenly realised they didn’t want to fail! I had a reasonable experience at school but didn’t get the opportunity to do much outside the curriculum. I also don’t think I really mixed with many people from different backgrounds- it was quite divided into primary school bubbles for most of it.

I don’t know if I’d have preferred an independent or not. I applied a lot of pressure to myself and may not have flourished under external as well as internal pressure. My brother was less motivated than me and could have done with a kick up the arse but didn’t get one and was allowed to coast.

Those that I met from private school at Uni was more confident than those from state schools. My DH went to private school and has a sense of quiet confidence that I don’t have.

I think I’d send my DC if I had the money.

My DH went to a very good State Secondary and was actually quite anti Private schools. He knew people who went from his village and nobody liked them or mixed with them apparently. I went Private and he didn’t think much of some of my ex school friends when he met them at a huge party not long after we got together - to be fair there were some arseholes but my actual friends from school are all pretty down to earth.
So he had never considered Private for his dc, declared there was no need for it, it was elitist etc etc and every other tired stereotype you can think of
Then when DD was in Y6 we visited both the State and Private options, he didn’t actually want to visit the Private school, I persuaded him but there was no point apparently because “he did fine at State school” and to be fair he has, and exam/career wise I haven’t done any better with my Private education.
Looking round the (in special measures) State school he had a lot of questions and I could see he was a bit unhappy about some of the answers and he was unimpressed with the facilities. Then we went to the Private school, he was pretty quiet but took everything in and was quiet on the way home as well. Then he said “given that we are lucky enough to have the choice, why wouldn’t we send DD there?”

On a societal level I think, yes, if all parents who could afford private went state instead then it would be beneficial for all. Standards would raise in the state sector. This is borne out in the performance of countries who do this or where there is no private provision. I admire your moral code!

of course "standards" would rise in the state sector if private schools were abolished. Because the statistics from the usually pretty bright with parental support students who would now be at the state school would be added in to the mix.

its a bit like the arguement (inOz)of using public vs private healthcare if you're well able to use private-take yourself out of the system so the people who dont have a choice can get a leg-up..Same diff..if ur cashed-up &the private looks good surely u can sell urself that as an altruism😉

My 28 year old DSis with no underlying health conditions had her second dose of Covid vaccination 2 weeks ago in America, ahead of many millions of elderly, needy Americans. Not sure that is a world I want to live in whether I can convince myself I am being altruistic or not.

Chicci. Think that’s the whole point. That and the fact that if there’s no opt out possible everyone with a vested interest would lobby for improvements.

I think the arguments for healthcare, in the U.K. at least, are a bit different because we have a finite number of doctors nurses etc who mostly work in both the private and public sectors, so arguably jumping the queue by going private is not freeing up staff resource for someone else, although I suppose it could be freeing up a hospital bed.

Anyway, I don’t believe the same applies to schools although I do think a more equitable educational sector would bring huge benefits to society. Whether it would raise up the most disadvantaged remains questionable, I believe, but at the very least it would make for a more enjoyable school experience. I recently came across this quote: “But the hard truth is that education overwhelmingly reproduces advantage rather than restructuring it; the most effective way to address inequalities in education, is to address inequalities in society.” (London Review of Books, Snakes and Ladders)

I found this striking. It then begs the question, what can we do to tackle inequalities in society?

As I said upthread many of our anti-elitist, utterly lefty, guardian reading friends were all waxing lyrically about how there dc would absolutely not attend a private school based on their principles alone... They all felt that as because they had numerous degrees, high flying careers etc their dc would be doing the state schools an honour by attending...
Roll on the birth of the protegees & our lefty, anti - elitist, guardian reading friends decide that actually no the state schools are no longer a "good fit" for their darling children however state is perfectly amazing for everyone else's kids just not theirs anymore... How they have changed their tune (& principles!!)

@Cheeryblossom1 sounds like you and @Bulblasagnes are already acquainted then!

We had choice between very sought after state and private and it was a tough decision.

We’ve used state and private and found state pretty good, oth I’ve found private good too and don’t have an issue with using either.

Many who say they are against private end up using it when they can, so the principles don’t last (not all cases but many and in pp)

@aboutnow, I hate hypocrisy that's all... We listened for years to our childless friends bashing the tories, the elitists, the private schools & how they could not & would not support private schools based on "morals & principles".. Roll on theirs dc's births & the dc are suddenly on private school waiting lists "just to keep their options open of course"... Roll on another couple of years & their dc's are in the pre prep...
Don't get me wrong, in their opinions state school is still absolutely wonderful but for my dc or for yours.... but not for their little miracles.... Hypocrites!

I don't understand those who are put out that op would send her DC to state over private, and therefore take up a place at a good school that a less privileged child could have! When I chose to send my DC to private school, parents were put out that my academic, conscientious, well behaved child would not be going to the state school to 'be a good example' to others.

It's a no-win situation, socially.

@Cheeryblossom1 You must know some odd people who would behave in such a contradictory manner.

@Cheeryblossom1 couldn’t agree more. I am anti-elitist, lefty and guardian reading (well I read them all actually for work, but that is the one I most respect !) and I have stuck firmly to my principles and have very happy children and I also donate lots to our state school and give freely of my time. But people have to do what makes them happy, it is a free country and all.

@Bulblasagnes (I think you mentioned it first) - even Kate Clancy moved her son for sixth form. Admittedly to another, high-performing, state school, but even she acknowledged that the state school he was at wasn't able to challenge him academically or allow him to pursue his musical interests sufficiently.

I think he moved himself. In fact I know he did!

I’m not saying the state schools are fine for everyone else but not good enough for my own kids, I’m saying some state schools are subpar for everyone who attends them and that’s a huge shame but not something I can do a whole lot about. I am actually actively supporting my local secondary state without my kids attending it so hopefully those children will still benefit from what DH and I can offer even if we don’t actually send our DC there (when they reach that age). It doesn’t actually have to be all or nothing you know

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@Cheeryblossom1 You must know some odd people who would behave in such a contradictory manner.[/quote]
We have very pleasant friends & have had great times over the years but I feel they should have educated themselves more on the pros & cons before committing to such sweeping statements & generalisations only to go ahead & put their dc in the very establishments they detested so much... but such state establishments are still amazing for my dc & everyone else's just not theirs... Suddenly at a couple of days old the couples backtracked getting the newborn dc on private waitlists "just in case", when children were only 2 it was decided state probably "won't be the right fit for their dc" but are still of the opinion that it's an amazing fit for everyone else's dc....
My favourite clanger was.. "we decided it's probably for the best the dc are educated with more people like us"!!! said my lefty, anti-elitist, save the planet & all man kind, socialism for all friend....

@Bulblasagnes
Your original post asked what people out the other end thought and I shared my experience that with almost grown children there really is very little difference between my DC and their friends who went to fee paying school. But you have to look at our own situation and it sounds like your job means you won’t be able to manage state+ (state school plus many excellent extra curricular options and tutoring) which most middle class people I know do. Your biggest responsibility isn’t to society it is to your children and if you can’t give them the benefit of state+ (which arguably is the best of both) then do fee paying and then make sure they do a few extra curriculars which Dc outside their segregated bubble and carry on with your charitable outreach. I honestly don’t think you will lose sleep about it or regrets it and you sound like a nice person and thoughtful mum.

@Cheeryblossom1
I always giggle at the ‘right fit bit’. As if their DC are terribly unique. Kate Clanchy is very funny on this.

Thanks @Aboutnow. We have many close friends in very financially disadvantaged circumstances but our children play together and we spend our leisure time together as equals (including in each other homes - no shying away from their reality) so I don’t worry about my DC in that sense.