Disappointed in top private school

[Nevermakeit]

My DS is in one of the junior section of what is considered one of the top private schools in London. We have been there 2 years and I am increasingly feeling disappointed by it, and as if it is all a bit of a con.

To be clear, there is no major issue, and DS is very happy (loves the food and playing cricket).
The teaching is fine, but not exceptional, and they don't seem to be 'all over' things (eg nobody has clocked yet that he doesn't understand a blind thing in any of the coding lessons and is getting left behind). He has little homework, and over Christmas had over a month off, and not a single piece of work to do, with result that by the end he was actually bored.
The school has great facilities but many things are extra eg music (as expected), but also drama (outsourced to external suppliers), and even chess club (£100 per term!) - in which case, I feel we are better off doing these outside the school, where the teaching might even be better (eg specialist teacher for chess/ability to actually see the music lesson). They have lots of grand sounding 'clubs' but now everything is online, I can see that there is very little content behind any of it. The children can sign up to as much or as little as they want, but no-one has any visibility of whether they participate, or even to ensure they push themselves outside their comfort zone and try different things (eg mine simply does sports).
The school newsletter is always full of the pupils amazing achievements, but the reality is that these reflect what they are doing OUTSIDE school, not anything the school has had any real influence on.
I have little contact with the other parents (most of the kids are bussed in), but as far as I can tell no-one else feels the same, they simply fawn over the school.
Everything is 'OK' for me too, but in view of the very high fees (which are significant for us), I would have expected more, and it feels like these schools trade off their reputation and rest on their laurels - and it's a bit of a case of 'emperor's new clothes'...
DS is happy, and proud of his school, as I said, so I will not take the decision to move him lightly. I just wonder if other people have had similar experiences?

The secondary the girls are at pushes like mad. I'm aghast at the level they are working at. I did maths and science, science to degree level.

I don't remember doing stuff as tricky as they are in the 7 and 9. And I took GCSE maths a year early.

It is well I don't want to say. But one of the top rated comps in England.

And it's all girls which I think is really good for girls (I know there is a lot of opinion on that and don't want to sidetrack! But I went to a girls school and it worked for me, I had no idea some subjects were not so much 'for girls' and the DD's are happily unaware of that as well!)

Oh junior?

I picked a school that was really friendly and had a warm atmosphere for junior. Not the best academically (which considering the intake was quite an achievement!) But I think junior is about developing personality, and feeling encouraged, cared for and a really low tolerance for bullying were more important than academics for me.

If you can foster confidence, security etc when they're young, that sets them up imo.

So I agree with Eldorado as well

TBH I definitely think that if you live in a grammar school catchment area your child will have a better education!!

I would agree.

Private schools/ public schools/ super selectives / faith schools/ comprehensives.

It all depends where you live. And what is available. And what your kids will get into!

OP also listen to your child. If he's happy and secure that's great.

Remember as well. My parents chose private for me and public for brother because a. Dad saw that as the right thing to do b. Snobbery c. They both worked and essentially they left it all to the school. That was a big bit of what they paid for, not having to do all the home support.

They never looked at us as people and said where will they thrive.

Unless you're in a really bad area, the state provision is really very good.

And being happy, supported and confident at school gives you masses. You don't always get that in private school and my brother was very unsuited to the school they sent him to.

@dottiedaisee

TBH I definitely think that if you live in a grammar school catchment area your child will have a better education!!

Or a good comprehensive. I've watched my family member pour money down the drain for mediocre results at a decent private school, with children not getting very good results.

When did you start to think it’s a bit of a con? If it been since the start of the pandemic, you really can’t include nearly a year of his education. No school, however good, can emulate what normally happens in a school day. There is so much more to school than just the lessons. You also can’t tell how good a teacher is online either, if that’s what you are basing things on.
No school is perfect, have you told the staff that your son has problems with like coding? If it’s too much financially, then I would leave. As a teacher in a private school myself, the parents that can’t really afford send their children there, are often disappointed in some aspect of the school and take it out on the teachers. I’ve seen it year after year with every member of staff.

Well that's kind of the con of private education really.

How could these clever, middle class children of highly motivated, intelligent, well resourced parents do badly really? If you select well enough then the job of educating them is done for the school by their parents really. Many of them even pay for tutoring on top.

You are paying for the nice facilities, breadth of out of school opportunities and the exalted company really none of which you get in lockdown so right now it is indeed worse value for money than ever.

And he will have a passive network or oldschoolnamehere who he can reach out to at any time in the future. And I'm pretty sure that it's going to help him to have this in later life. This will only work if he is competent anyway. I think this happens less these days.

@TheSunIsStillShining, I think we might indeed be in the same school.
And I agree with all your points, including the asterisks one - it's exactly right that the facilities are amazing, but 99% are not actually used by your own child ! I also think like @crampon that the network matters less these days, as (thankfully) society is a lot more open.

I have had this feeling pretty much from the start, definitely since before Covid - They are actually coping with the Covid situation quite well (as well they should since each child is mandated to have their own ipad, and their staff-pupil ratio is high) - I have no complaints there. So my question is not based on what is happening in Covid, though it does peels away some of the layers and 'fairy dust' on some of the extra-curricular, and you get to see more of what actually happens behind the scenes (eg you see what they are doing in some of these famed 'clubs' - which is very very little).
I have 2 other, younger children, and this has put me right off private schools, I have to say. If I had known what I know now, I would have kept him in his previous school - but as it is now I will probably leave him (unless he becomes unhappy, in which case will gladly move him).
The reason for my post was really to find out if other people have ever, in their heart of hearts, thought the same thing - that actually, these schools are fine, but really not what they are cracked up to be - they do a fantastic job of whipping up middle class parents into a frenzy, but ultimately it's all a bit of a con.... which I think is such a shame, as with the intake they have, and the money they have, they could do so SO much more.
I think ultimately that's what really gets me - it is a stretch, but financially we can afford it.... but I just wish these schools challenged themselves a bit more and did more with the ressources they have.... rather than comfortably just resting on their laurels.

Neither me nor my brother have any network whatsoever from our schools!

I'm starting to feel like we missed something!

Been through a similar situation ourselves. We had our child at a private prep school that we became increasingly unhappy with as time went on . There were huge systemic issues and safeguarding concerns. For example; teachers who did not have the qualifications for the subjects they were teaching were being described as " specialist subject teachers " ! .
The communication and pastoral care was non existent. The academic standards were below those of a good state school. It was only when the first lockdown hit we realised how atrocious the standard of class work was.

The school never practiced what they preached. We look back now and realise it was a total con and they had forgotten what a schools priorities were. Like yourselves, we kept holding on hoping to see improvements and things deteriorated even further.

Have you raised your concerns with the school at all ? You are paying alot of money and have every right to discuss this with them . Otherwise, I'd say go with your gut feeling and move your child if you have doubts.

Want to add, I'm not anti private school, there are some fantastic ones about but it comes down to individual choice. I'm also aware, that just because you are paying thousands doesn't always mean you are getting better.

It's reminds me when people pay e.g. Over £500 just for a backpack when chances are, it's mostly the name your paying for.

bang on Hawkins001 !! sometimes the quality of product is worse

I went to a fee paying school and think it is hilarious when these students reach university.

I get the feeling there has been a sea change in society with the BLM movement etc and the “old boys network” way of getting jobs will be seen as utterly unfair and unacceptable and stopped. Hope so anyway. At my interview in the City in 2001 I was asked which school I went to 🙄 (rural comp). Still got the job but still...

Trust your gut.

A school for which you pay privately should have great communication with parents; proper enrichment like chess clubs without paying extra; and an overall high standard of teaching.

There will be duds and greats but generally teachers should be engaging and enthusiastic.

Definitely no Twinkl sheets.

And more - parent coffee mornings, access to the head or head of year if you need it, teacher email addresses, proper reports that sound as if they know your child, early intervention when your child is slipping.

Those are the differences between state and private. They’re what I pay for.

If you’re not getting it move on ( or raise it with the school and say what you want to change. They may be receptive).

As a state school Oxbridge grad I had no idea how the other half lived when I went there but I soon found out. Many many of my friends had exceedingly expensive educations

I once had a hilarious conversation with a male friend in my early days at uni. He is from a Catholic family and is the youngest of 6 boys all of whom went to a very famous London Catholic private school.

I said to him 'your parents must find it really expensive to put all of you through university' and he laughed and reminded me that the uni fees were a teeny tiny drop in the ocean of the private school fees they'd been paying for decades.

He's an extremely bright and successful guy but I've done alright for myself too. I don't think there was any discernible difference between those privately educated and not once we were there.

His dad was so rich that we used to watch the boat race from his back garden. Lawyer I think. You don't notice what your friends parents do at that age do you?

Having just moved mine to local state (last September from a good but not top private prep) I am inclined to agree. The standard of teaching is certainly the same if not in some cases better. Facilities aren’t as good but really who cares. Certainly having experienced lockdown learning in the term leading up to leaving and the same in the current state I would consider it a colossal waste of money to be paying fees right now (yes I know it’s short term but still...). If you only accept the brightest and then that is what you churn out then the real value add is pretty low. I guess if you have a child who is average and needs pushing there is value but you’d need to choose carefully and of course the ‘top’ schools don’t want average. I went to an independent and have zero network from that time. Wondering what I did wrong 🤣

My two are at state all girls school with the best results in county both happy with nice friends. I genuinely don’t get what we are “missing” by not going private. Maybe sport? But they both in excellent out of school sports clubs so that’s covered. Dh went to Cambridge from a rural comp. I sometimes wonder what I am missing with private school as I didn’t go myself. If the state option is sub optimal or the child is vulnerable in some way perhaps but otherwise I don’t get it!

Also the fact they get better results after making take kids take exams to get in and only wealthy successful families can use the school - no shit Sherlock!

I agree OP. This is why my DC go to the local state school (which, to be fair, is a very good one) whereas I went to a highly academic private school.

And more - parent coffee mornings, access to the head or head of year if you need it, teacher email addresses, proper reports that sound as if they know your child, early intervention when your child is slipping.

We get all that at DS's normal state primary school Admittedly we do get twinkl sheets too though

I think bright children with supportive parents will do well wherever. My sister went to Oxbridge from a normal comp. then did a PHD elsewhere. She couldn't have done better if she'd gone private.

I might have benefitted more from private as I was less bright - still bright, but not super, and less confident. But both my parents went private and didn't think it was worth it so we didn't go.

£100 a term for chess club sounds like a mickey take

Those kind of clubs were free at my DSs private school

The things you paid £100 a term for were things like fencing or judo, where they provided equipment and a qualified instructor

Maybe the chess club at your school has a real chess coach who teaches them strategies and opening bids. But if it’s just playing chess with peers, supervised by the science teacher, it’s a bit of a con imo

And I hate being taken for a ride