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Original poster

If your DC are in private school..

90 replies

OhMyDearMrBennett · 13/06/2020 19:25

Would you call yourselves as
A. Pay fees without even thinking
B. Some sacrifices but still pretty decent standard
C. Everything goes into fees

We have been thinking with moving DC (yr5) over for a while. We have not been happy with the current primary for a few years, and our original plan was to move at 11
However given all the uncertainty with provision for september we are thinking move or get on the waiting list for a space now. I am just worried about her / us fitting in. We have a fairly big but dilapidated house which we are slowly doing up, average car, DH works FT and I am PT. Holidays we have never been one for exotic holidays anyway but enjoy camping,occasionally drive over to france. No designer clothes or bags. DD loves her drama and swimming we would still be able to afford for her to do this. Dc2 we would want to start in a few years time which would then entail me moving to FT for a few years whilst we are paying 2 sets off fees but I'm happy to do this.
Are we fairly average or will us and DC stick out like sore thumbs? School we are thinking of is Eltham College if that makes any difference.

OP posts:

Delta1 · 13/06/2020 19:40

You won't stick out at all. I'd go so far as to say that the majority of families in the private sector would fit a description similar to yours, contrary to what some would have you believe. Go for it and best of luck!

Original poster

OhMyDearMrBennett · 13/06/2020 20:02

Thank you delta. I must admit reading some of the posts on here about only going private if you can comfortably afford xyz & have x years worth of fees saved up already make me a bit anxious. We have about 2 years worth saved which would be an emergency fund and that's it ! Luckily we both have relatively secure jobs even in this current climate but you never know I suppose.

OP posts:

averythinline · 13/06/2020 20:14

we are between b and c ! there is less big house pressure as there is such a wide catchment so london terrace to surrey huge - looking at the carpark there is a range between bog standard family cars and maseratis and DC are somewhat dismissive of the £200 hoodie kids as they know it would ever be an option but in the main whilst baseline incomes and standards of living are better that a local comp its not been an issue - apart form expensive bits of logo uniform - blazer/pe kit most comes from tesco/m&s
they have thrived in the smaller environment as it suited them...so be clear what is more important for you and DD
My DC are not likely to get much better exam results , they have a longer day than their local peers, they have few local school friends....but mental health is better and still enjoy going to school and have a calmer environment with a wider range of options...

I would go for the school that suits your dd best ... we have always thought probably private to gcse then state for a level as we have loads of good state schools near us but didnt suit DC at 11 as all huge - this also takes the financial pressure off a bit as can see the end!

TooManyDaves250 · 13/06/2020 20:17

B and C! I was worried when we first decided to go for it but seriously, there are very few millionaires in our indie. It's a very posh area too!

Jkslays · 13/06/2020 20:33

We are B now but when we first started we paid everything in and it was tight for while.

We lived on a council estate and dh drove a transit van

Don’t worry about not fitting in, the mums there will be the same as at any other school.

It’s natural to worry though as we are changing schools this summer and I’m having thoughts about the mums at the new school! Just smile and wave

mrscampbellblackagain · 13/06/2020 20:37

We are 'a' now but weren't when we started umm 13 years back.

We definitely made sacrifices then to afford the fees, in terms of holidays and waiting a long time to renovate our house.

There is a broad mix in most private schools.

formyboys · 13/06/2020 20:42

Very big mix where we are. People are well off though relatively speaking. Obviously. I find it quite triggering as clearly there are a lot of grandparents paying whilst some of us work blood, sweat and tears to make it happen. But I try not to care too much!!!

Jkslays · 13/06/2020 20:43

@mrscampbellblackagain

We are 'a' now but weren't when we started umm 13 years back.

We definitely made sacrifices then to afford the fees, in terms of holidays and waiting a long time to renovate our house.

There is a broad mix in most private schools.

This.

My lovely friend has one two kids at hour school and one child at a state school as eldest one is doing great there. She has a big house with land but absolutely pegs it to after school care so the time doesn’t knock in to the next time slot and she has to pay the next £2.50 rate she shops in second hand shops for her table wear ect..

It’s a broad mix of families

justkeepmovingon · 13/06/2020 20:50

We vary from year to year, we've had to just ask for help with the fees as my business has taken a massive hit and literally have no idea where we will get Septembers fees from. It's been a massive struggle for us, we've made a choice and so so happy with our choice but no family help, no family money etc.

Id say only a tiny percentage of the parents don't even have to think about fees, there are a few that are what we would call wealthy the rest are all both parents working full time, mostly in professions and mostly busting a gut to pay fees.

Depends on the school though! If we are talking boarding that a whole other realm.

Emmagen · 13/06/2020 20:59

I was privately educated, my parents were between b and c. Everything went in when I was tiny but as I got older things got easier as they progressed in their careers.

There will be a mix of different backgrounds even at private schools. Yes I had a few friends who got to hold their birthday parties in their pools at home and then camp out in their orchards... but many many more friends who lived in normal semi detached houses and had maybe a week in an all inclusive in Spain as their holiday. I never experienced or saw any teasing for not coming from a rich family, if anything it was the kids turning up in their brand range rovers on their 17th birthdays that got the eye rolls (possibly because a bunch of 17yr olds knew exactly how ridiculous insuring a new range rover for a learner driver would be).

Original poster

OhMyDearMrBennett · 13/06/2020 21:10

This is so reassuring. Thank you all for responding. In your experiences do the children who start outside of the normal admissions points *I.e. not reception or yr7) settle fairly soon? I realise so much depends on the school and the child but we are confident the school would be an excellent fit for DC but it is a world away from our local primary.

OP posts:

MojoJojo71 · 13/06/2020 21:19

Somewhere between B and C I’d say. I’m a single parent, have a second job and we downsized to a 2 bed flat from a 3 bed house but we still manage to have treats like eating out, extracurricular clubs and foreign holidays just not expensive ones, usually eurocamp type holidays. I’d say most of the kids in DD’s class are probably better off than us but not noticeably so and just because they have 2 incomes rather than one so similar sorts of jobs, it’s not a very posh school.

YinuCeatleAyru · 13/06/2020 23:20

well you sound wealthier than us. we are in a fairly small ex-council semi with a very unimpressive car, no non-UK holidays and never spend on designer clothes or accessories. we couldn't afford private for 2 kids but will be fine as we just have the one.

I would agree it's a good idea to look to change schools now for year 6. this is a good time to change school as they have been off for so long anyway. next year is going to be extremely challenging in every school and y6 is a tough year wherever a child is, so doing it at a well-resourced school will make a huge difference.

suchclearwater · 13/06/2020 23:33

My experience is slightly different. Parents very cliquey and all driving giant planet ruining tanks. But the school is good. So worth it for my dc.

AriettyHomily · 14/06/2020 01:03

Between b and c for the 'normal' families. The truly monied live in gentrified falling down piles, drive awesome old land rovers and don't give a shit about hairy / stinky gun dogs all over the car seats.

We are on a position where grandparents pay for schooling and we pay incidentals. The incidentals are not to be balked at.

After8itsgrownuptime · 14/06/2020 06:51

We are in a high performing south west London prep and although there are cliques , most parents are welcoming and will go out of their way to sort play dates with new kids to make them feel included. We drive a battered up 10 year old people Carrier and both work full time to send our kids to private school. Definitely one of the ‘poorer’ families in terms of income but never been made to feel it.

pigeon999 · 14/06/2020 07:06

You might find there is less wealth comparison than state schools in fact, and I have never seen any sign of it in the schools we have attended over the years.
If you are relaxed, and indifferent then you will fit in just fine. If you arrive anxious this may well rub off on your children, and how they see themselves.
If you decide to press ahead, do so with confidence. Choose a school that suits your child and family, prep schools are not all equal. Do your research.

Travelban · 14/06/2020 08:29

My children over the years have attended a number of private schools and I would say, being somewhere between b and c, that the profile you are asking about changes enormously from school to school.

Some schools attract pockets of incredibly wealthy parents, some are way more mixed. We have been average as well as by far the poorest, but I hope I reassure you when I say that the children have never felt left out or felt 'different'.

I haven't generally mixed with school parents a lot in fairness, but I have always been friendly with a few, most of them far wealthier than us but again no judgement..

I say just got for it. We have been paying school fees for 7 years now (times four kids) and it isn't for the fainthearted but I would probably do it again. I would be far wealthier now if we hadn't, but then again it was our choice!!

laidbacklife · 14/06/2020 20:49

Our school is very down to earth and is a real mix of incomes. You never know anyway the real situation behind closed doors.

laidbacklife · 14/06/2020 20:52

Sorry, pressed post too early..
What I would say is just to check out the potential school carefully and have a frank discussion with the Head. Not all schools are as down to earth. Some attract a more jet-set lifestyle (normally the more well known ones that offer boarding). You might not settle so easily into those ones so just do your homework and go with the school that feels like a good match.

SeasonFinale · 14/06/2020 20:59

Yes definitely an A now but started as a B.

Unless you are at an actual public school with landed gentry types then most people are Bs

Onceuponatimethen · 14/06/2020 21:06

We are between b and c

We can still go on holiday and have a nice (scruffy) house but drive an old car and don’t go anywhere flash on holiday.

All very dependent on the school - some have posher parent body than others. Ours is very down to earth.

Given the money situation now I wouldn’t rush to move now. Why not wait until 11 and save a bit more?

RomaineCalm · 14/06/2020 23:41

We are a B - we both work, manage a holiday a year, drive fairly average cars and definitely notice it when we transfer the fees each term.

The current economic situation though has made us realise that we could very easily be in the position of giving up all luxuries to throw everything at school fees. We do have savings but it's still a big commitment.

There are a few families that are clearly very, very well off and a lot who have grandparents that pay the fees. I imagine the rest are in the same boat as us.

At DC's school I have found 80% of parents to be friendly and welcoming and I don't think it's linked to how much money people have.

Annaonline · 15/06/2020 02:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ZoomZord · 15/06/2020 13:58

This is interesting OP thanks for starting this as I wondered the same.

We rely on a nanny to work. So I am waiting till 11 as I won't need childcare by then, which could go towards fees instead. But my friends are telling me not to wait. They are all A (and are very down to earth nice people, camping holidays etc) but we are nowhere near their earnings league.

How many years of fees would you recommend to save up ideally? Did anyone downsize? Did pensions take a backseat? It's very helpful because I've been going around in circles with my job, childcare arrangements, school fees, moving house... argh

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