Son excluded from reception class - advice please! (sorry, quite long)

[prudencepinkleg]

hi. I could really do with some advice on this. ds2 has just started in reception at an independent school. He's previously been to nursery and when there was initially selectively mute and as a result would express himself with outbursts of temper. They managed to deal with him over nearly 3 years and eventually he was talking freely and the tantrums had diminished a lot. Now he's started somewhere new and doesn't know anybody it's obviously a very hard situation for him. He is an anxious little boy and finds it incredibly hard to get to know other children. So in the first 2 weeks he had 2 quite bad outbursts. And yes they were bad (throwing, standing on tables etc) and he needed restraining by the class teacher. However, in his defence he was in a new place with full days AND sickening for a bad viral croup the 2nd time. PLUS he'd made loads of progress in interacting and settling down. Anyway, we have been asked to remove him from school for the forseeable future until we can see a paediatrician and get his behaviour sorted. But keeping him away is not going to help him and dh and I feel they should support us and come to a compromise (eg mornings only and me on call) but they don't seem too willing. Another option for us to take him to one of the local village schools (very small) but that does mean another change although he does know 2 boys there already. It's complicated by the fact ds1 is now there in yr2 (new school for him too) and is settling well. HELP!!

Take your money elsewhere ... honestly. He'll be better of in the village school ...

Sorry, meant to be a bit more sympathetic but the words 'independent school' and 'asked to remove him for the forseeable future' jumped out.
If they are not prepared to support him so early on, what are they going to be like further down the track?

Sorry you are having a bad time ...

That's what we're thinking. I spent 2 days on the phone trying to sort out classroom support! And they could turn round in 6 months and tell us they don't want him there.

Lots of independent schools simply are not geared up to welcome children who will not fit into "their box". DS1 had some problems expressing himself and controlling his temper (he had intensive speech therapy for several years - his language was fantastic but his speech was unintelligible to most people at age 4). His state primary coped with him extremely well and he settled down very quickly.

He's now a model school pupil, apparently, and has been for years. And in September will be transferring (hopefully) to an independent secondary school.

prudence...how awful for all of you.
Independent schools tend to be very "focussed" on educational achievements, etc...and seem to lack on the emotional side. I think a sensitive child with the problems you describe your son has, would be much better off in a Villageschool...and possibly, the very reason it is only a small school would make this the ideal choice.

You need to find another school for your child. Personally, I wouldn't get hung up on state versus independent. Look for the one that can help him. Good luck.

You have my sympathy as this is very similar to what happened to us when ds first started school. I agree with the others that he'd be better off somewhere else. Have you considered requesting a statutory assessment for him?

I must say that when we visited the village school they seemed very supportive. Also they said he can do mornings for as long as we want in Reception. He's a 'tired' child if you know what I mean and think he would benefit from just being down the road. In a way I don't want to move him as he says he want to stay where he is but then at 4.5 I suppose he doesn't know best.

PPL - do you have a choice? For the forseeable future the school said. Perhaps I'm wrong but I read that as the school saying they don't want to take him as he is. What a worry for you.

Thanks for all the support. dustystar, I'm wondering about getting him assessed and a statement maybe. Another good reason to go to local school I think. We needed to move ds1 for various reasons and it's been the best thing for him but it certainly isn't proving so for ds2. Actually, knowing their personalities, being in separate schools might not be a bad thing.

Getting a statement was definitely the best thing that could have happened for ds. He went from one school where he was excluded 3 times in as many months to another with fulltime 1:1 where he blossomed.

dustystar, how long did it take to get a statement and what happened in the meantime? Someone said it could take up to a year.

If they agree to assess then it has to be turned around in 6 months. Of course getting the LEA to agree to assess at all can be a battle in itself. the thing you have in your favour is that your ds has been excluded from school as a result of his behviour.

I don't know how involved the LEA are with independent schools but with ds one thing i had to do was ensure that ds exclusions were all made official. Sometimes schools will try to fob you off by doing it 'off the books' making out like they are doing you a favour by keeping it off your childs records. Actually they are only doing themselves a favour by keeping their records looking good and unfortunately if an exclusion isn't offical then you can't fight it or use it as evidence that your child needs extra support.

When it first happened with ds I called the LEA myself and spoke to the Inclusions/Exclusions officer and asked her advice.

With my ds as he was so young (only turned 4 in the july) I was advised to tkae him out of school and put him back in preschool. i agreed to do this if the LEA would agree to backyear him which they did. This sounds quite extreme but for us it was the best thing to do. Ds was happy back in preschool and he started reception from the beginning the following sept in a new school with his statement and funding in place. He has done so well at this school that he was able to go back into his natural year group this sept

Ok, that's helpful. 1:1 is what he really needs and we have been told that. We will keep battling on.

prudence, read your op with interest as a very similar thing has happenned to a friend of mine. Now this is over in the US but situation identical.

Her son has some sensory integration issues and the school asked him to leave then relented and said that if the parents sorted out a school support for him he could stay ( this was for 2 mornings a week by the way) they duly sorted this out themselves at great expense only for them to tell them 2 months later they would'nt renew their contract.
The school provision at this age is very different over here than in the UK so they have now moved him to a therapeutic school where he is doing fantastically.

So my advice is move him now and don't bow to their demands. They have decided he's a problem and you will constantly be on edge worrying about what he has done that day. My df used to be on the phone to me in tears over how each time she picked him up she got a rundown on how bad he had been. It was never going to wrk long - term.

HTH

Villlage school gets my vote. Experience says!! I went to an independent school and they were really into academic achievement. My boys love our local school and DS1 who appears to be dyslexic or similar is getting first class support.

PS - don't want to put ma foot in anything, but i work with young adults with ASD and lots of them have problems VERY similar to those you're describing. Don't want to cause u any more worry than you've already got, but would an Ed Psych assessment be the way to go? support at least?

ds2 is 5 in March so he's bit older but not that old for year. He could go back into nursery for a year. Unfortunately for him he is very tall (size of 6 year old). I wonder whether he could get statement while at nursery and then go straight into Year 1 if we got some tuition at home too?

village schools often mix all the infant classes in various combinations so my instinct would be get him in there, part time at least, and let him be getting used to it. It's one less transition (=change) so may be better 4him in the long run

fihi, I wondered about Ed Psych. I think that GP is referring him to paediatrician to see if can see a Child Psychologist. Don't really know difference. We saw the paediatrician who said he didn't think it was ASD but we have now been made to wonder whether it's ADHD.

Ds is tall too but that was ok. As your ds is not 5 yet you can legally remove him from school and put him back in nursery. My only concern would be that to then expect him to go straight into year 1 would be asking a lot of him. Reception is a really important year for getting the children through the transition from preschool/nursery to school and by year 1 they expect quite a lot more of them. That is why i asked the LEA to agree to backyear my ds. He has just gone into year 3 so he was only out of his year group for 2 years.

Trouble is it can be a long process to get referred, assessed and access help which may not "sort" the behaviour problem in the short term. Can you meet with the SENCO, teacher and his old nursery teacher to discuss if there is any help, strategies and support they can and are willing to offer on a regular basis in the classroom, perhaps with an IEP in place.

To access help in the State system a statement is of practical benefit in getting specific hours of help for him in class but in the private sector a formal statement can be less relevant. Think ours, which Ghosty will recognise, records a low number , if any, of Statemented children but it does n't mean there aren't children getting similar specialist support, often one to one or in small groups, and sometimes chargeable . If that isn't an option or you get negative vibes form the meeting then definitely look elsewhere as not all independent schools will trouble themselves but manage more difficult children out.

Good luck

dustystar, if your ds has just gone into year 3 did he skip a year at all? I don't have a problem with ds being a school year behind, as it were, but I don't want him to feel it as he gets older, especially as he's so big.

ADHD now on the autistic spectrum- has been for a few years. Unfortunately paediatricians often don't know enough about ASD etc, cos they have so many other things to learn. Educational psychologists are people who have to be qualified at degree level in psychology, and also be a teacher, it's a long route to getting there but they certainly know their stuff. What area are u in?? National autistic society has good website with all sorts of stuff covering ADHD and you could figure out whether any of it is relevant as you know your LO best.

It can be hard to dx ASD at such a young age as many of the behaviours that are looked for occur normally with this age group. In fact for ds it is only now that his differences are really starting to show. Apparently quite a few children with ASD get a dx of ADHD first - sometimes they have both conditions and sometimes the ASD causes the to behave like they have ADHD. I think my ds is like this.