If you are a WOHM, are you discriminated against at your child's primary school?

[Eleusis]

I generally feel out of touch at DD's primary school. So, I sent an e-mail to the parents and invited everyone out for drinks and a meal. 2 people showed up. And during the course of conversation I realised that we are the only mums (out of 26) who work full time, and hence never show up at the school gate. The other two had a few stories of how the school actually frowns at them. For example they are offered 3:00pm time slots for parent-teacher conferences and just expected to be available, etc.

I haven't realised the extent of the SAHM vs WOHM war zone... and I am rather pissed off about it. I think it is outrageous for the school to treat parents this way. I did know that these feelings are alive and well at the school gate. But, I am very surprised about the teachers' attitudes.

Is this common? Do other WOHMs have these experiences at your kids' schools? If so, how have you dealt with it? Are private schools the same?

Of course, not all SAHMs are unwelcoming towards the WOHMs. But, I so did not expect the stories I heard on Friday night.

Oh, and learning to use e-mail can be done on the job. It does not require a day away of training.

But email isn't much use to many working parents - not every job requires you to be logged on all the time, and judging by my class several parents only look at their home email once a week at most (though they still check the bookbags daily if only to sign off on homework!)

Yes, we assume everyone has computers but huge numbers of people can't afford it. There's a scheme I think in the NE in one area to lend very poor families on benefits a PC at home for a year with internet access.

We just had to return a form today to the school with parents' email addresses but if some parents don't use email then that's not going to work. We class reps communicate with the parents about dinners etc by email though and that works because I'm sure that in those classes everyone has email.

I think it's particularly important that divorced fathers whose ex wives often illegally and wrongly deny them any access to both the children and school information are given email details of parents' evenings etc.

So send the communication on e-mail and on hard copy. It covers all the bases and really isn't very difficult. And it destroys fewer trees!

I think most people have e-mail. For those in poorer neighborhoods where parents can not afford computers, okay they should ensure hard copies are available for everyone who wants one at the school gate.

Interestingly, if you read OFSTED reports, comments from parents always include concerns about communciation. But then if you surveyed employees of a big company, I think you'd get the same findings. It's a question of what do people really need to know.

I'm a bit surprised at the lack of communication thing and didn't realise that we were lucky with what we have.

We get a weekly newsletter which arrives via book bag. Newsletter always trails future dates - assemblies, trips etc, over next 2-3 weeks. Bookbag also gets copies of all relevant notes (eg nit alerts, threadworms etc). Then all notes are also displayed on the school website - so if you've either lost something or have a sneaking suspicion a note has got lost you can go and check quite easily.

All key dates are on a laminated card which we get at the beginning of every term - it will also have some of the main dates for the following term (sports day, school play etc are usually decided ages in advance).

Communication with the school office can be done via email - and they are very responsive - and we also have email addresses for the head and all teachers.

Have text alert thingy rolled out recently which they used to confirm the school was open when there was snow a couple of months ago.

They also have an electronic display screen on the way into school reminding you of things, notifying of sports results etc, but I think it is most often used to wish named children a happy birthday.

Eliusis - why is it a problem for you to receive information via hard copy?

I think it will change eleusis as you DD goes through school, more parents will start working. ATM when she is only there half days it might not be worth the while of many of the mothers. I only know of one mother in DS's class (Y1) that works full time, but a lot work part time. There are a few solely SAHM, and many of these have younger children. The largest group is definitely the part time workers, but that could be anything between a few hours at home and four full days and might be out of school hours (eg evenings).

Sorry, but I beg to differ. It is not just in "poorer" neighbourhoods that people do not use email. Around here (South London) texting is far more common than emailing. In fact the only people who answer their emails promptly are those at work (if I use their work email). Plenty of parents at ds2's preschool wouldn't typically have daily access to email (they include postmen, people working at Tescos, dentists etc), and most of the SAHMs I know wouldn't check emails regularly (which irritates me as I'm used to email myself, but if you're not in the habit of checking it, you don't tend to get emails and therefore it ends in a vicious circle).

And thinking about it presumably every child does physically get to school, so a "physical" ie hard copy message is the more obvious communication.

Ds1 is at a private school, and most mothers do work. Whilst we do email each other we wouldn't do that for something we needed a quick answer on - we would typically phone. Going back to your OP, I think that your best call would have been to phoen the class reps and discuss your proposal for a night out and then either let them make the contact, or at least discuss how they can ensure that the rest of the mothers are alerted. There is of course a risk that you have come across as being somehow exclusive by only inviting (or at least contacting) a select group of parents. I'd probably feel a bit P*ed if I found out that one of the parents had organised a class night out but hadn't let me know tbh.

Eleusis - my partner works full-time but he always takes his younger son to school in the morning, even though my stepson is usually at his mother's. So my partner gets up pretty early to drive to his ex's and then walks his son to school. That way he keeps in touch daily with the school and with his son.

Can you not rearrange your working day at all?

Ladymuck,

I'd be quite happy with texting for short notice things. You are right e-mail isn't always read on an hourly bases (although mine is!).

The trouble with the paper copy is it has to go through so many hands before it makes it's way to me. And sometimes I read it too late. For example, there was a newsletter that said please don't bring us anymore shoes for whatever the charity was because we have more than we can handle now. And I read this message before I knew they wanted shoes (and I could have donated many). So presumably somewhere there was some kind of communication asking for this donation. But, I never saw it.

I would actually like the newsletter to come on e-mail, or better yet I' like them to put it on the website and send a link to it on e-mail. That would be great and much cheaper than producing the paper version.

As for the night out, the class reps were in the loop and one led me to believe that she would take part and spread the word at the school gate... but it didn't happen. And my initial e-mail explain I sent it to all the e-mail addresses I had but for everyone to please feel free to print it and spread the word at the school gate. And I have had many thanks for my attempt to orgainse this event.

As I type this I realise that I think the school has a communication problem, and not just a resistance to modern technology.

And you will all be glad to know I have struck up an e-mail conversation with one of the class reps asking her about some of these topics discussed in this thread.

I obviously need to be abit more proactive. Unlike Xenia, I want to know the teachers names and I want to have an active part in the school. I just want to do it on e-mail and after normal working hours.

anna your partner is fairly lucky to be able to do this. I leave home at 7.20 am but am still not collecting my DS until 5.10 and my DD at 5.20 and home at 5.30. School is 9-3.30. If I took DS to school I would not get home in time to pick DD up before the end of nursery at 6.

Nope, can't rearrange the working day for school drop off. I need to be at work at 7:30 or there will be no where to park. I certainly can't stroll in around 9:30 or so. I leave work between 5:30 and 6:15 (depending on workload and other commitments). On the rare occassion (i.e. p-t conference) I can get away with a 4:30 departure, but not every day.

Sometimes messages are there at school and not making it into the book bags. The number of party invites etc I've fished out of the locker. Like lost property, it's sometimes worth reminding the child or whoever picks him/her up to have a rummage.

I don't feel discriminated against but I do think that the people at the school just presume I'm a SAHM, and I can only presume that's becasue the majority of the mums are SAHM.

It doesn't make sense to me that people at schools assume parents are stay at home mums. Schools must be full of working parents. I think it's more likely they put out messages (usually via paper) and assume they're read in good time. A false assumption naturally but more reasonable than assuming women don't work.

I want to add here that I think this has evolved into a really useful thread; and I find it particulary interesting that the SAHMs and the WOHMs have similar issues with the school's level of communication. When I posted this thread I was afraid it was going to turn into a SAHM vs. WOHM battle. But it has really risen above that and has lots of great advice for all parents on here.

Xenia - I have it from very reliable sources that the school gates are the best pick-up joint out. Two little girls in my younger stepson's class recently became stepsisters... So you might want to spend more time up at school

Hmmm.. I think Xenia has other things on her mind than picking up a man. Just a hunch.

And, if you know who she is in real life I dare say she probably hasn't got any trouble finding a date.

It hasn't really though eleusis, because there have been things that are common like SAHMs with younger children needing notice to arrange childcare, while WOHMs need notice to organise work things.

I wonder if there is an issue though with your nanny (I assume she does pick ups and drop offs) not taking in information, making sure DD has newsletters etc. I work 3 days and I make sure that dinner money, reply slips etc are taken in on the days I take DS to school as far as possible because I know the childminder has several children in different classes to drop off so more room for something to go wrong. But your nanny should be able to manage it.

bozza - my partner doesn't "do" both ends of the school day - he doesn't leave work until 7pm. But he moves hell and high mountains to always take his younger son to school. It's not luck, it's just the way we arrange our lives and prioritise things and other things give because of it

Eleusis - most OFSTED reports state that parents find communications with the school lacking. I'm sure most schools do their best but could benefit from some fine tuning and parental input in some cases.

It would be easier if everyone had email access and used it but I doubt that is the case and for now, hard copies of information, for every pupil in the school, have to be produced.

Maintaining email distribution lists (presumably by year group/tutor group/house group) could become an extra burden for school admin. staff. However, it seems reasonable that information, especially newsletters, could be posted on the school website so parents who don't do school pick-ups or don't trust the reliability of their child and/or teacher could use the website as a back-up.

Actually, I think my nanny is really good about passing along information I would not otherwise know. It is true she is not the most organised person in the world. But, she does put the notices on the bulletin board in the kitchen. And she is great about getting to the p-t conference sign up sheet and getting me the latest available slot.

I think the school is lacking on their communication skills, to be perfectly honest. I just need to think of a positive proactive way to get this message back to the PTA, or the head, or someone??? Hmmm... need to work on whom I should be talking to. Probably someone I don't know and who doesn't know me.... yet.

I think some pieces of information are useful to know but just aren't suitable for placing on the website or emailing. For example, while learning about the Romans, my son's class was asked to bring in food for a Roman picnic. The notice came home via book bags and an excited child. That sounds right to me. I can see that to have the teacher find the IT admin person and ask for that to go up on the website or be emailed to all the addresses,is just silly. And I know that if it was, there would be parents grumbling that their inbox was full of rubbish.