If you are a WOHM, are you discriminated against at your child's primary school?

[Eleusis]

I generally feel out of touch at DD's primary school. So, I sent an e-mail to the parents and invited everyone out for drinks and a meal. 2 people showed up. And during the course of conversation I realised that we are the only mums (out of 26) who work full time, and hence never show up at the school gate. The other two had a few stories of how the school actually frowns at them. For example they are offered 3:00pm time slots for parent-teacher conferences and just expected to be available, etc.

I haven't realised the extent of the SAHM vs WOHM war zone... and I am rather pissed off about it. I think it is outrageous for the school to treat parents this way. I did know that these feelings are alive and well at the school gate. But, I am very surprised about the teachers' attitudes.

Is this common? Do other WOHMs have these experiences at your kids' schools? If so, how have you dealt with it? Are private schools the same?

Of course, not all SAHMs are unwelcoming towards the WOHMs. But, I so did not expect the stories I heard on Friday night.

Also don't experience any major problems apart from the odd piece of paper going walkabout.
We have a class list and all have each other's e-mail details and mobile phone numbers.
I do think if you WOTH full or part-time you are more inclined to work at keeping in touch. So far I have noticed in dd's year that me and two other full-time WOHMs are the ones organising social stuff. But that could be because it is obvious we are party animals, relatively speaking. It's the reverse in ds' year. The movers and shakers are a bunch of iron-consitutioned SAHMs leaving the rest of us trailing in their excitable wake.

I can't remember what all they said. I just remember being astonished that it had come from the school. I guess I expect some cliquiness (is that a word?) form parents at the school gate but would expect the teachers to rise above.

Also, I should add that I have not had the same experience with the school. There are two nursery teachers. One is rather rude and snooty. And the other one I love. I think she is absolutely fantastic.

Oh, and my fab nanny manages to push her way to the front and get my name on the evening slots of the sign up sheet for the parent teacher conferences.

Hi Issymum. Glad to see all the old stalwarts on this thread (where's Soapbox...?)

Isn't the pick-up/wine thing a good idea? A couple of people did it informally - us included - then someone else sent round an email invitation saying please come along - other siblings/parents welcome as well - and actually breaking out some grown up snacks.

FWIW I don't think you miss that much by not picking up your dc, dropping them off yourself.

Our dc sometimes stroll out early, sometimes late, so you have to get there about 15 minutes early and hang about. Often enough listening to other SAHMs going on about some horrendous aspect of the school or what one dc did to another can be really unnerving. It would be better not to hear so much of that kind of thing IMO. You also pick up on all the competitiveness. In our class it's a popularity contest which the mothers I think pass on to their dc. They seem so worried about whether their dc are popular enough.

I find it all fairly stressful and try to steer clear of anyone who looks like they're arranging dates or complaining about something which is difficult so I sometimes just pretend to write something in a notebook! You are honestly not missing much

How about becoming a Parent Governer? Those meetings tend to be in the evenings and would help you to feel involved with school.

"FWIW I don't think you miss that much by not picking up your dc, dropping them off yourself."

I generally agree, but I did find the two weeks I took off during term-time paid huge dividends - I got to know the other parents at DD1s' school and DD2's pre-school and felt in touch with the details of the DDs' daily lives and their routines again.

I'm thinking of doing it again (I'm still working through my untaken adoption leave) for a week next term. Particularly as with DD2 at school, I can work for half days at home.

I don't think its right but I do think it happens, I gave up my job to be a SAHM and couldn't believe the difference in other parents attitudes towards me. I literally got a pat on the back from one parent as if I was walking away from an evil cult of working mothers!

I don't think there is a 'war zone' at our school. I would say full time SAHMs are in a minority. Most seem to work PT. Some children are dropped off by childminders/grandparents.

Our school does consultation appointments between 3.30 and 6.30. There are obviously a limited number of late appointments, and if DH wants to come (which he does), we are in the same position as you. Despite me being a SAHM.

I probably would respond to an email from someone I had never met and go out for a meal, but I am pretty brazen. If you are never at the school gates, then you can surely see why it might be a bit offputting for shyer types.

We don't have 'class reps', so I've no idea what that's all about.

Morningpaper's example I do find shocking. I too have a younger child, thank God, because it provides me with the perfect excuse not to go into school. And when she goes to school I'm back at work. I don't do small children. There's a reason why I teach secondary...

"I find it all fairly stressful and try to steer clear of anyone who looks like they're arranging dates "

So there you go...

I'm a work at home dad, and I must say I see none of the issues here. Indeed, on a couple of occasions where transport has got in my way of picking up DS on time the other parents and school have been great.
Our schools offer slots for meetings across a range of times, though of course teachers aren't that keen on extending a working day until 10pm.

I'm a work at home dad, and I must say I see none of the issues here. Indeed, on a couple of occasions where transport has got in my way of picking up DS on time the other parents and school have been great.
Our schools offer slots for meetings across a range of times, though of course teachers aren't that keen on extending a working day until 10pm.

I heard you the first time, DC.

I agree with you to a certain extent uwila. I think a lot of schools have communication problems - our school always has evening slots for feedback but even I feel that, sometimes, the notice we are given for school events (say, like an assembly where your child will be reading) is not sufficient for a working parent. Not everyone is in the position where they can just take a day off with only a few day's notice and I think, in general, a lot of schools are bad at this.

But I would agree with the whole pick up drop off thing - I think it really helps to do that for a bit if at all possible but I would leave this till she starts reception. Also, IME, not much of the social stuff kicked off till mine had started proper school (i.e. reception and above). We did a few things in nursery but nothing major at all.

I am a WOHM who tries to keep up to date with all DS school life. I tend to drop him off at school each morning on the daily rush to work. My husband picks up DS most afternoons if DS is not doing some after school club or other. I do sense that some of the other SAHM's react differently to us as parents as we have not built any kind of relationship with THEM and as a result not become one of the 'gang' (thank God - the PTA mums kiss each other each morning - please..... glad I am not one of them!) This seems to transfer itself to the teaching staff as well - we had an invite to attend DS KS1 SATs meeting tomorrow (Tues 24th @ 9am) which arrived in DS's book bag and was dated Friday 20th - and stated it was compulsory for ALL parents to attend !!!!! This one of a catalogue of short notice meetings that we obviously cannot reschedule our work times to accomodate - we do get frowned upon by the HT by missing all these events. Perhaps, if our school was more aware that actually both parents DO work nowadays it would not be so inflexible with meetings and appointments !!!

Nothing surprises me anymore with either what parents or schools themselves say or do !

my dd is starting school in sep. i haven't had confirmation that she will go to our local, but she will as there's no other school. however, i've contacted the school & been told that i will need to go into school one pm in july, then there's a home visit in sep during the day, then she starts sschool MID sep. as i'm a teacher, i will lose pay every time i have to be at school, AND will have to pay an extra £1,200 in nursery fees as she will have to have a place there until the end of sep, when she could finish at end of july, IF the school took her at the start of term!
the school just doesn't seem at all clued in to the needs of working parents - and we live in an area where nurseries & childminders are booked a year in advance!

Here I am

I'm in a slightly different position in that I work from home on a Friday and that DH does morning drop offs (I do the occasional one too) so we do see teachers/other parents regularly.

The SAHM group at school (by a large majority) really look out for me. They send me emails reminding me of when I need to be at special school things, pass me a box or two of home made goodies to hand over at the various fairs etc so it looks to all like I've made an effort and even go so far as to arrange coffee mornings/get togethers for Fridays when I'm around. I try to return favours in other ways, by offering lifts to and from weekend parties/sleep overs/friday play dates etc.

I suppose what it boils down to is that I like these other parents in the main, irrespective of whether they choose to sah or woth. I have invested a good deal of time in trying to make friends with them as I didn't want my children to be socially isolated because I choose to work.

A good nanny is important also, on a day to day basis to pick up the inside news on what is going on at school. Also as many others have said - to grab the late spots on the parental consultations. DH and I always attend these together - as do most of the parents.

As far as school is concerned the best value thing to do ime is to offer to attend the school trips - you then get a whole day to impress the teacher with what a caring involved parent you are Well worth a day off work in my mind! And my DCs almost wet themselves with excitement at me even volunteering to do the trips as having your name in the hat seems important to them.

All in all, there is the odd frustration but on the whole I don't think the school or other parents have any 'agenda' wrt woth parents

I do wonder how teachers who are wohms cope. Presumably they never attend anything at their child's school during their working day.

I work part time which I think has to make a difference because I am there two days a week morning and afternoon. Also I am close friends with two other Mums in DS's class (from when the children were babies) which means that they keep me in touch.

Parent's evenings are fine. I was able to request a slot between 5 and 5.30 and got 5.10. I was able to work a short lunch, finish slightly early and be there along with DH, before picking DD up from nursery (she can be there until 6). It worked perfectly.

"The reason not many people showed up is because the class reps (both SAHM) didn't spread the word at the school gate... don't know why, couldn't be bothered I guess."

But didn't you personally email all the parents? How is it the class reps' fault?

Nearlythere (Going waaaay back up this thread):
does your pre-school do the nursery grant scheme (EYEFS, NEFS or whatever this year's abbreviation is -- the one that gives you five free sessions a weel? If so they are NOT ALLOWED to insist that parents come in to help. Trust me on this. It's a condition of the grant. Our pre-school had to stop doing it (or at least make it voluntary) for this very reason.

week not weel....

At our school we are usually offered a choice of two evenings for parents' eves, usually ranging from just after school (ideal for SAHPs) to 6-7pm which surely most WOHPs can make.

We are the inflexible ones, we usually have one slot that would suit us and that's what we tick! We have always been accommodated so far.

Yes, school shows, assemblies etc are often in school time but that's understandable. The leavers' play for ds1 (it's an infant school) last summer was at 6pm which is fine.

Our PTA meetings are in the evening as well, and our govs mtg are 6-8pm which is not a problem really. How about becomign a governor eleusis?

MP that does sound excessive. Why do you need to be there 5 times???

I am lucky in that I work school hours so I always pick up and drop off. And I work at home 2 days a week which means I can speak to the teachers on those days if neccessary. And over the years I've invited kids back for tea most weeks after I finished work, inviting mums back for a cuppa after school or on my wah days so that my kids wouldn't miss out socially.

But soapbox, you say that your school doesn't have any sort of agenda with regard to WOHM. Which is what winds me up! They don't. They ignore our existence. As if we are still living in the 1950s with a SAHM in every home! Last summer we had 6 'invitations' to school during working hours for our 2 eldest kids. The only one of which I could attend was sports day as it was on one of my working at home days (until they postponed it because of the heat). So DH took time off and my parents stepped into the breach. I just wish sometimes schools could simply acknowledge that this is the reality for many parents and attempt to accomodate us just a little bit. Especially as morningpaper says they don't want you to bring younger siblings....

I must admit that parents evenings are fine here as they do afternoons and evening appointments.

I know that is also hard for teachers who are also parents which would suggest it's not an unknown problem.

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