If you are a WOHM, are you discriminated against at your child's primary school?

[Eleusis]

I generally feel out of touch at DD's primary school. So, I sent an e-mail to the parents and invited everyone out for drinks and a meal. 2 people showed up. And during the course of conversation I realised that we are the only mums (out of 26) who work full time, and hence never show up at the school gate. The other two had a few stories of how the school actually frowns at them. For example they are offered 3:00pm time slots for parent-teacher conferences and just expected to be available, etc.

I haven't realised the extent of the SAHM vs WOHM war zone... and I am rather pissed off about it. I think it is outrageous for the school to treat parents this way. I did know that these feelings are alive and well at the school gate. But, I am very surprised about the teachers' attitudes.

Is this common? Do other WOHMs have these experiences at your kids' schools? If so, how have you dealt with it? Are private schools the same?

Of course, not all SAHMs are unwelcoming towards the WOHMs. But, I so did not expect the stories I heard on Friday night.

Re: induction for children of working parents. I think it might help for parents to consider continuing with their usual childcare for the first term. I know it's probably a relief to get rid of the horrendous cost but I think it would make the settling in period easier if there was still a carer on the scene.

Lazycow - glad I didn't meet that SAHM - I'd have had Words to say to her!

DW is a WOHM and I am a WITH dad. I do most of the dropping-off and picking-up. There are a few dads at the school. At DD's old school, things used to get found out through the grapevine, and notices put up at home-time - and we used to get very irritated with this.

Her new school is great - weekly letter, weekly PFA newsletter, all parents kept in the loop. Parents' evenings good too - two nights to choose form, one 4-6pm, the other 5-7pm. So most working parents can be accommodated.

There is NO EXCUSE for NOT doing this, frankly.

"Does it also count as discrimination that full-time WOHMs/WITHs can't go on the trip to the fire station next Tuesday?"

I don't think so - as I said, SAHM/WAHP could have exactly the same issue. I work at home and it's possible I just could not do it due to a work deadline. Well that's my choice isn't it? A SAHP may have nobody to look after a younger sibling (I have this issue quite a lot - ds2 has a whole day trip in June where a parent has to go and younger siblings cannot - I have to arrange something or else ds2 misses out. Maybe dh will have to take a day off).

Oh ffs, I was just joking about the fire station. I suspect it's an opportunity that won't have to look too far for parents eager to glimpse Firefighters In Their Natural Habitat.

Tee hee, MI - I didn't think you were serious about the trip to the fire station!

Agree with GDG about younger siblings putting sahm in particular out of some loops. It's impossible to go on class outings for example if you have a toddler in tow. Dd is 8 now and it's been a while since I was able to go anywhere with her class. Ds3 is only at morning playgroup which limits what I can do vis a vis her school. I did more with her older brothers who were close in age so one was usually at nursery anyway or maybe reception when trips were on. Similarly she was at nursery by the time the bigger boys' classes went anywhere. A wohm who has childcare in place already could more easily go if it's her day off or if she could prearrange to be off.

Parent/teacher appointments: all 4 of mine started off at the same nursery/prep, which remains very flexible and offers first thing in the morning slots aimed at wohp as well as a full timeslot 4-7pm or 8pm later on.

Ds1 has now moved to a senior school which grandly offers 5.30-6.45pm which is hopeless for sahm in terms of ad hoc childcare (usually the "happy hour" for small siblings, too early for proper babysitter etc., yet also too early for the typically London professional parents who are the school's main client base.

Eleusis, your dd won't start till the term AFTER she's five? Where do you live?

All LEA's that I know of start the kids the September following their FOURTH birthday. Would love my ds not to have started before he was five.

And on the original debate, at DS' school I really can't detect any prejudice from teachers or parents about WOHM's, and the school make a point of saying that if parent's evening appointment days and times are inconvenient then an alternative can be made direct with the teacher.

That's the other thing about parent's evening. You can usually make another time to talk to the teacher.

mrs wobble, i KNOW that it's for thebenefit of the child, but there is no benefit to having a 4 yo wandering the streets alone cos the parents cannot be there & the school doesn't want the new children there. the school receives the funding for the child to be there, and the child is legally entitles to that education. as a teacher i know that some of it is because the nwe starters take up a lot of time so the school starts the year, then bring in the newbies once everyone else is settled. i'm not goin to insist that they take dd before they're ready, but if they did take her at the start of term it would save me £1,200. i'm not entitles to childcare assisted funding for that term because she's at school, AND to meet their demands & be around when they want me is going to cost a further £700 is lost wages. I don't want the poor teachers to have to work all the hours, but if they would schedule a couple of meetings for after 4pm, it would be great! In general, the assumption seems to be that i will be around whenever they want me. in addition, they haven't yet told me when they want me in june/july and sep, but dh has to book holiday 6 months ahead and not clash with other key staff from his work.

I desperately want to support dd starting at school & i'm desperate to see her there, but they just don't seem to have a clue that some parents need a little more flexibility.

incidentally, i'm currently negotiating a cut in pay & hours to be there for dd, but it is causing problems. i think there should be ways to accomodate wohp that don't cause too many extra hours for teachers.

I don't think in the age of email, any parent need be out of the loop on anything.
We set up a list for our class and all but one had email. It's cheap and a lot more environmentally friendly than the blizzard of paper we get.

pkf - who collects the child from school to get them to nursery? or do i just hope dd can walk 2 miles down country roads, no footpaths, without an accident?
i'd like ot repeat, childminders in my village are already fully booked!

When you say "we" do you mean a parent? Or someone at the school. A lot of the SPA/PTA stuff is voluntary and so is only as good as the people involved.

Is PKF me?

I'm with you there RR

Amen, DC. (never thought I'd say THAT)

I have been to the fire station and there was a fireman in his natural habitat .and there was a fireman in his natural state

sorry, yes nkf. the way dd's school starts newbies ( from what he secretary has told me so far, she wasn't quite sure) i caneither keep dd in ft nursery so she can't go to school, or i can put her in school ft, but they don't want her. they just don't seem to SEE that it isn't a good idea, and i can't believe that dh & I are the only ft workers in our village, not with all the childminders being fully booked!
It's not just school though, in general i get quite irate with the assumption that i will be around during the day for things - no-one looks at dh in a shop & ask him when he'll be in for the carpet fitters!

If i sound tetchy it's because a) i'm multi-tasking right now & b) I'm annoyed at the circumstances, not anyone here.

i've just cried so many tears about not being around for dd starting school, but the school don't seem to offer anything i can go to without it costing me ££££s - it's going to cost about £2k for dd to start school!

Kickassangel, I'm sorry. It sounds grim. It really does. I hope you're able to work something out.

RR - you are spot on.

Well it seems clear to me, people should be organising a night out "Mums off to the fire station". Put notes in the book bags for those who never reach the school gates....

DP whinges there is no "Dads out of the shed" night for him.

No real problem here.

I think mums at home full-time are definitely in the minority, definitely as you go up the school. Once the last child is at school, I would say virtually every mother works at least part-time. Those of us who don't are definitely in the minority.

Parents evenings - each time there is a Tues with slots only from 3-5.30, the Thurs slots are from 3-6.30.

There are regular newsletters etc to keep parents up to date - however some parents still claim never to know anything. Although that goes for all parents, not just working ones.

There are many invitations to things during school time - class assemblies, sports day, 'come and see what your child does all day' sessions. But how can these be other than in schooltime? Our school gives lots of notice for most things (e.g. sports day in July is in the school newsletter right from the previous Sept, as are all 3 parents evenings). However, some things do crop up at short notice, that's just life.

porto, i could live with that - of course i know i can't make everything, but would just like some chance. not helped by having unsympathetic management at my work who stop pay quick as a flash. we've decided no holidya for us this year, so i can take a weeek off to settle dd into school. just can't let anyone else do it. still not happy about how much this is all costing us, and it could be done other ways.
at least i'll never have to face the rpoblem of what to do with dd during school holidays, i really don't know how other wohp manage that one.

at Mums off to the firestation.

Oh, and I forget who asked D going to school after she turns 5. She goes now (just turned 4), but she doesn't go full time until after she turns 5.