If you are a WOHM, are you discriminated against at your child's primary school?

[Eleusis]

I generally feel out of touch at DD's primary school. So, I sent an e-mail to the parents and invited everyone out for drinks and a meal. 2 people showed up. And during the course of conversation I realised that we are the only mums (out of 26) who work full time, and hence never show up at the school gate. The other two had a few stories of how the school actually frowns at them. For example they are offered 3:00pm time slots for parent-teacher conferences and just expected to be available, etc.

I haven't realised the extent of the SAHM vs WOHM war zone... and I am rather pissed off about it. I think it is outrageous for the school to treat parents this way. I did know that these feelings are alive and well at the school gate. But, I am very surprised about the teachers' attitudes.

Is this common? Do other WOHMs have these experiences at your kids' schools? If so, how have you dealt with it? Are private schools the same?

Of course, not all SAHMs are unwelcoming towards the WOHMs. But, I so did not expect the stories I heard on Friday night.

I'm pretty sure I learned everything I know about being a WOTH mother re the school from Soapbox, so my approach is eerily similar.

I have volunteered a couple of times for assisting at parties etc. Means I know who the teachers are, they know that I am interested in being involved etc. I do slightly resent the fact that I spent a half day's holiday setting up the stall for the Christmas Fair, but I think it is definitely worth it for the bigger picture. I also put in quite a lot of "quality time" in early on with the other mothers, which means you can kind of slip stream along after that.

I never give off any vibes of "having more important things to do because I have a very full time job" than do my stint on the stall at the fair/attend assemblies/blow up balloons for the class party etc. I'm not saying or implying that anyone else does, by the way, just that I could see how easy it could be to somehow exude that (not least because I think I did have better things to do than set up the class stall ).

If I cannot contribute via time I try to contribute in another way (eg DH made the entire class allocation of mince pies for the nativity play aftershow last year and I wrapped up all 8 squillion cheapo prizes for the lucky dip).

I do suspect it might be different at private schools - we have a combination of a reasonably high proportion of mothers doing some sort of work outside the home and the school appreciating that not alienating working parents is generally a good idea.

I think attendance at parent get togethers varies quite a bit. Some classes seem to have very bonded/involved parents, others not so.

Also, often there isn't a gang. it just looks as if there is.

picking up on kickassangel's point - I think you need to distinguish school from childcare in that the school will arrange your dd's induction in the way that most benefits her settling it to school. The fact that this is the least desirable to you logistically is really neither here nor there.

I appreciate it's inconvenient and expensive but, frankly, I could say that about most of my children most of the time.

And I think most teachers appreciate these problems since most of them have children of their own. I know my dd's head teacher missed her own son's year 6 leavers show because she was at her school's production - I'm not sure I could have been that selfless.

The e-mail list is incomplete. So the class reps were (I thought) going to spread the word to the rest of the parents at the school gate. But, they didn't.

I think that's a good point, Mrs Wobble. School is for the children not for the parents.

a 'friend' of mine works in a private school and often refers to the SAHM as "the women in tracksuits" as they're off to the gym as soon as they've dropped DC off at school. We often argue about her attitude (although she is a dear friend !!) because she also refers to the "women in their smart suits off to work and the office to contribute to society". Definately a biased attitude from her I would say....

Thing is Eleusis, nights out with parents aren't top of many people's priority. Many people think if they're going to get a babysitter they want a night out with their old friends. Many parents barely have time to see people they know well so a night out with their kids classmates parents is a bit ho hum. They're not necessarily being rude or cliquey. They've just busy.

Of course it is NKF but as it's the parents who have to work with the school to get the job of educating done, a little mutual flexibility would be much appreciated.

I think timing for parents' evening slots aren't fabulous at DD1's school, but otherwise everyone appears to be about as incompetent at work/life balance; it's very reassuring.

I do do drop-off, as I work based from home, and must confess I rather love bumping into everyone every day.

OI - some schools I'm sure have really poor communicatino but I'm willing to bet that whatever time meetings were fixed, there would be a group of people they wouldn't suit.

The distinction between childcare and school is important. That's all I meant.

...that should read 'as incompetent as I am'.

I'm not really upset about the poor turnout the other night. I quite enjoyed discussing WOHM issues. And really like the two who did show up.

The point of this thread was more that I so suprprised to hear that they both felt the school held working against them and I wanted to know if other WOHP had the same issues with their kids' schools.

Mrs Wobble said : "I think you need to distinguish school from childcare in that the school will arrange your dd's induction in the way that most benefits her settling it to school"

I think we should distinguish between what is best for our children and the LEA's budget. I'd love for my DD to go to school full time in September (in fact NOW would be good). But, she won't go full time until the term after she turns 5. I'm sure this has more to do with funding than it does my daughters educational needs. So, if we are going to criticise parents for considering the financial aspect, surely the LEA should be subject to the same remarks.

Does it also count as discrimination that full-time WOHMs/WITHs can't go on the trip to the fire station next Tuesday?

Who are WITHs? That's a new one for me.

I may be wrong here but I don't think the way in which children are inducted on a part time basis has any impact on a school's funding or costs. They employ the same number of staff throughout the year and receive the same capitation allowance. It really is because in their opinion it's the best way to settle a class of rising 5s.

Not if your son won't be punished for your absense.

Work Inside The House. With children elsewhere. Quite a few of us do it. I work four days a week, have done since both my chidren were babies, based from home with them elsewhere.

Work Insode The Home

I do think schools should try a bit to accomodate working parents in terms of induction etc, it's just unrealistic to assume most families have a SAHP or very flexible work.

I found that going to any social event I could get to at school and getting very drunk was a good way to integrate even across the great SAHM/WOHM divide. At one school (my dds have been at 3 primary schools in the last 2 years so I am getting lots of practice at this) I attended "mums out of the kitchen" social night - cringeworthy term and clearly aimed at SAHMs, but good to meet people and I met a good friend at one (a full time WOHM who was never at the school gate).

At this current school I went to a Fashion show, which is even less my sort of thing than a Mums out of the Kitchen night. but again, very good for making friends and contacts.

Hello - I've just wandered into this thread and spotted:

"Does it also count as discrimination that full-time WOHMs/WITHs can't go on the trip to the fire station next Tuesday?"

Sometimes. If the child can only go if there's a parent and if they then don't give enough notice to working parents, then Yes,it's discrimination. Or rather, just very foolish bad planning. As would happen at my son's school.

I don't think WOHM parents are deliberately discriminated against at my DS's school, it's more that their communication with parents is generally pretty bad and so the only way you find out about a lot of things is by being there at pick up and drop off.

I have done both WOHM and Working at home (ie being there for pick up and drop off)and of course you are less in the loop when you're only picking up once a week if that.

What does tend to annoy me is the attitude of some school staff that parents can leave work and race to school to pick up their children in the middle of the day because they have hurt their finger (this happened to us last week). My DS was a bit upset that he had hurt his finger - he'd trapped it in a cupboard door - but tbh, he needed a plaster, a bit of a cuddle and a sit down in a quiet place for half an hour. Instead what happened is the teacher told the school sec to call his parents and basically take him home. I was in a meeting so his dad had to take half a day off work to go and pick him up and take him home. He wasn't given an option. It took him almost an hour to get there, by which time DS1 was absolutely fine. The school sec was amazed when DH told her that both he and I work around 45 mins drive from the school so leaving work at the drop of a hat isn't the easiest thing to do. She honestly looked as though that scenario had never even crossed her mind.

Of course I understand if a child is sick or has a temperature or is injured - I would drop everything and rush over - but there seemed to be no common sense thought taking place or any realisation that working parents may find it a bit difficult to arrange.

I do think in a lot of cases there is an assumption that mothers will be there and available at all times and, if you do work, it will be school hours only and within a 5 min drivetime.

Actually I have offered to accompany school trips before now and I've never been allowed to . It always seems to be the same parents who go. My kids always ask me to.

Hmm, for parents' evening you are given a choice of time slots ranging from around 4pm to 7.30pm so I don't think anyone is discriminated against there. Dh comes to those so even though I'm a WAHM (self employed, freelancer) I still need to arrange childcare and dh still needs to be home from work so it's not really any different to if I was a WOHM.

When we arrange nights out we put posters on school doors so I guess if you don't go to school you won't see them. I'm not sure what can be done about that really - if you aren't at school and people don't know you then how are they supposed to know you exist?

Wrt to needing to be at school with your child, and where younger siblings can't be accommodated, again - this is just as much an issue, if not more so actually, for SAHM. At least if you are a WOHP you probably have your childcare covered for those eventualities. As a SAHM who doesn't use childcare, it can be more tricky to find someone to look after them. So as a WOHM your issue is getting time of work and as a SAHM your issue may be childcare because you never use it.

There is a mix of SAHP, WAHP and WOHP at school and there doesn't seem to be any great divide to me.

Yup, Wordsmith. I'm so with you on that.