Fees and lack of funds

[AgathaMystery]

I suppose it happens to a lot of people but we have sadly found ourselves in financial difficulties.

It's nothing dramatic - my husband is self employed and there is no work. I work part time and do extra work to make up to about 40 hours a week. I work in the NHS and whilst my salary isn't awful, it doesn't go very far. I have been working extra shifts through my annual leave recently to top up my salary.

We are nearing the end of our savings and I need to know what to do about the school fees.

The school offers very generous bursaries in the senior school but not in the prep. I moved us to monthly notice some time ago as a just-in-case measure.

We have equity in our house but I am acutely aware that that is all we have left now. I also put us on a 5yr deal 4 months ago that means no chance of a mortgage break for 2 years.

I know I need to make an appointment with the head &/or the bursar - I just need some advice please. I don't know how to get through the meeting without sobbing.

Has anyone ever been through this?

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Your daughter will have both parents around more, who are less stressed and tired and more fun to be with. Nothing is worth sacrificing your health and peace of mind.

Mine are a bit older but quite a few in our circle have moved schools - moving house to the next area along and moving to a closer school or moving for better special needs provision or moving to angle for better secondary schools. They really do adjust. You can keep in touch with the best friends and work with the new school to settle in and invite some new friends for playdates.

I think it's often harder for the parent (new set of parents, expectations, school rhythms homework erc) than the child. At 6 she really Will adapt.

Good luck with looking at them x

Really, your child has been in education for barely a couple of years and you worry about taking her away from “the only school she has ever known”. Are you for real?,

Oh ffs people! The op is obviously very much upset by the position she is in. Have some compassion!
This is a big change for the child and more than that, however illogical it is, the op feels she is letting her child down. I don't think for one moment that she is but that's how she feels and surely we can all, as parents, empathise with her because surely we all have the emotional imagination to know that feels really shit.

OP go look at some state schools, find the best fit, look forward to supporting your daughter make new friends and to yourself not working stupid hours. I work in the NHS too. It's absolutely gut wrenching ply tough there at the moment, whatever area you're in. Be kind to yourself.

Op please do look after yourself. Crying like this is not normal and it sounds like your mental health is under threat with all this stress. Your DD will benefit much more from your good mental health than any school.
If possible I would recommend getting some counselling to deal with your unresolved feelings about schools and your childhood ASAP.

Lots of children change schools all the time and come to no harm.

My DD and her boyfriend went to the same Primary, but then he went to a very good private school while DD stayed in the state system. At 18, I don’t think there was any difference in outcome than if DD had gone private and he had gone to State. They both had good and bad experiences that wouldn’t have happened in the other school.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the op's mental health.

Tbh you don't pay 000's a term for something that you don't think is worth it. To now find that you can't is wracked with feelings of guilt (when all their friends can).

I now know that state school is not such a scary option but I too was in tears.

Cut her some slack.

The sooner she is out the better but the process is a horrible one.

Sorry but I think I hardly cried today at work. I haven’t sat and howled this evening and I’m working tomorrow at my other job (I have 2 jobs. Forgot to say).
Is not just a few tears but a sign of massive stress.
As is the catastrophising over her experience of changing schools at 8 and never being at a good one again.

I would say life is very stressful right now but I am coping. My DH is not coping very well but I don’t suppose anyone does cope well with unemployment really.

I’ve had some really helpful advice on this thread and I appreciate all of it. I have been very very low this week & this has been an outlet for me. Thank you so much.

I think it’s normal to be tearful and sad given:
DH is unemployed
We are broke
I am very tired
My daughter needs to move schools
It’s winter (the dark days never help)

I’ve applied to the LEA and must now await events. I promise to update and let you know what happens. Apparently it will take up to 15 working school days.

Good luck. It's a huge amount of stress to be living by through. Hopefully you'll soon be out the other side and able to settle to a new "normal. Hugs x

"I would say life is very stressful right now but I am coping. My DH is not coping very well but I don’t suppose anyone does cope well with unemployment really.

"I think it’s normal to be tearful and sad given:
DH is unemployed
We are broke
I am very tired
My daughter needs to move schools
It’s winter (the dark days never help)"

Of course it is. It must be awful.
But your dd going to state school is not an additional cause for sadness.

I also have a 6 year old DD OP, and I do completely understand that your main regret & sadness comes from the fact that she is moving from the only school & friends she has ever known into new surroundings. For me, that would also be far worse than the private to state aspect.

FWIW, there is quite a lot of new houses being built in our area and as a result, 3 new children have joined DD's Year 2 class since September. One boy & two girls. I haven't met the little boy, but both little girls seem to be really popular and making friends well. Most teachers nowadays are really good at helping new children feel welcomed & involved - much more so than when I was at school in the 80's.

I truly hope (and actually expect), than when the age of 9 or 10 comes around, DD is so settled and happy at her new school that you won't even contemplate moving her back to the private option.

Best of luck with it all .

I know it feels like she's moving away from all she's ever known ... but chances are she doesn't actually remember much past the last year or so. if she's made good friends you can still keep in touch and continue to see them.

My DC went to primary schools with a lot of mobility. I'd say that of DS's Reception class of 30, only about 10 (possibly fewer) were still in school with him by the end of Y6. There were new children joining every year .. it was never an issue, the children settled in so quickly others forgot that they were new!

Sorry Bertrand I’ll repeat myself:

‘In my head I’m more upset at my daughter having to move from the only school she has ever known and leave her friends than I am that it’s private to state. I feel very sad about her moving schools. I know it will be okay but it feels sad.’

This is the environment she has been in since she was 3. I don’t care about it being private to state. I never cared. She went to the nursery there because it was on our street and it was lovely and it was cheap. I mean ridiculously cheap. It was laughable. The perfect loss leader shall we say. Then we could afford for her to stay. So she stayed. Now we can’t. So she must leave.

My primary job as her mother is to create a safe, loving, nurturing stable environment. I have to remove the stability of her school. I feel like shit.

But there's really no need to feel like shit. She is very young. She will soon adapt. And taking her out of the private sector will remove a whole load of stress from you, so you will feel much better.

I think you are underestimating the resilience of your DD. Mine moved from Y1 to Y2 in a state school. It was our choice and it really made little difference to her life. She loved her new school, made friends and got a better education. That’s why we moved. Try and stay positive. Your LA should have a list of schools with places available so you can do behind the scenes trawling now!

it’s going to be okay. You have to pretend to your dd that moving school is an exciting thing and she’s lucky to be going to a new school, and it has .

You need to put a mask on in front of your dd, and tell her it’s an exciting new thing, and then it will be.

It’ll be okay. For both of you.

If you do move please make it a positive if you are unhappy your child will be too good luck with your move. I would consider moving if you can before Christmas as it is such a happy time at school

I moved my daughter from the preschool department of a private school to our local state school age 6 (because I live in a country where mandatory schooling starts at 6 and for various reasons the private school was not a good fit for us, long-term). It's still young enough to move without a lot of trauma, and she has settled into her new school happily. Are you friendly with other parents at the school? You can always set up playdates or get-togethers outside of school so that your daughter can maintain her friendships if she has some special friends.

Lots of children move school at this age, and older. For most it works it absolutely fine, often better than fine. Children adapt, and often enjoy meeting new children. Any new school will offer her new experiences.

Have you tried Vitamin D for your “winter blues”?

She’ll still be in a loving, safe, nurturing environment just without the stress-inducing fees that are feeling like a burden. She’ll be fine and you’ll be more relaxed. Try not to stress too much about it.

Perhaps try to frame it differently in your head. I think it can be a positive for children to have tge experience of learning to cope with the change of school. One of my DC changed schools twice in Primary school before tge end of Y2 because of reasons beyond our control. Quiet and nervous, it felt like the worst thing to do to her but she coped and became a child who'd happily start a new club without needing a friend with her and didn't worry at all about starting Secondary school. DC2 who'd been at tge same primary school from nursery and always needed school friends at clubs, dreaded starting secondary as they'd not had the experience of having to make new friends and seen that it worked out.

This happened to us and the school weren’t helpful at all. I begged off my brother in law and remortgaged the house . It was only for the last 18 months and he left to go to 6th form elsewhere (and was a LOT happier).

Hindsight is always 20:20 but I wish I’d moved him to state school now.

good luck with everything

Moving schools isn't the big deal for DC that we might think it is. I agree with PP that it teaches them to adapt and accept that change is part of life.

I think you're projecting a little bit of what you're going through onto her and feeling guilty that your life choices and current circumstances are impacting on her. That's understandable. But resilience is an important part of character and so turn that around into a positive.

Your DD will take her cue from you as to how to cope with it. Show her it's going to be ok, even if you are going to have to pretend to yourself. By the start of the next term in January you'll see that she is ok and now has twice as many friends than she had before.