PLEASE HELP ME - I need some urgent advice

[harman]

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go in tomorrow and speak to the head.

ask to see a copy of the school's anti bullying policy.

tell the head of your concerns and arrange a meeting with yourself, your partner, the head, and this teacher.

haven't a specific answer, harma, but want tto keep this bumped for you.

I WOULOD go in, and get an appt with teacher and the head if poss.
I would say that i felt this behaviour was bullying and ask what policies they have in place to deal with bullying.
aybe look around the net tongith and get some strategies in your head, not to feed to them, but maek it sound that at least YOU know what you re talking about

I think she was well out of order...and it may well be that she is stewing over this tomight.
She was aggressive because she feels threatend maybe...it might be goods to manipulate the situation so you can be ultra lovely to her whilst being firm about the school needing to address the bullying.

It is prob best to get her on your side... shit, i know, but she sound like she needs some specific help too.

Good luck, i hope some people can come along with more experience...

You need to establish exactly what's been happening as you mention accidents and incidents. Different versions of events don't help, you need to establish the truth.

Go to the school tomorrow and speak to the teacher directly. If you're still not happy get to see the head as soon as you can.

write down a list of all the events involved - be accurate & factual, not emotional.
take the list with you.
ask the school how they deal with recurring incidents- e.g. removing privileges from boys causing a problem, keeping them in a t break times, do they have separate play grounds etc.
as soon as a child is on site, their safety is the school's responsibility. surely they have break time staff? or staff on duty? so your ds could know where to get help quickly. the children are only little, the school should be able to handle them!
it is the schools responsibility and that means you can't go in their 'telling them what to do' (not suggesting you would, just comments from the class teacher seem a bit odd trying to see her pov)and it may be that they know more about this than you do so far.

try to come away with a clear plan of action - you don't need to know what 'punishments' will be handed out, but you do need some clear strategies in place so that ds knows what to do. this amy well involve a little 'effort' from ds - e.g. if they follow him at break time, don't run away or shove them go straight to the teacher on duty
it does sound like the head is at least aware of this, and the teacher is probably right that a calm talk, with all the facts, will be better, but she could have handled the phone call better!

good luck

I would make a big thing of his being hit on the head. Could potentially be classed as a head injury.

Ask to see a copy of the school's anti-bullying policy. Make a factual list of everything that has happened, naming names, dates (if you have them), what action you have taken, what action you have been promised would be taken.

At the end of the day, they are not keeping your ds safe and they cannot use the excuse that they "can't keep an eye on them every minute of the day". At break and at lunchtime, they have lunchtime supervisors who should be appraised of the problems and asked to keep a particular eye on your ds to see what is happening around him.

If you are not happy with your meeting with the teacher tomorrow, write a letter to the head with a copy to the chair of the board of governors.

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Then take it to the next stage. Make an appointment with the head and discuss it with him/her. If you are still dissatisfied, then write to head with your concerns, copying it to the chair of the BoG.

You could quite legitimately tell the head that DS is now ill through the stress and will not be going into school tomorrow and then mention that, if matters are not resolved, you will have to consider whether this is the right school for him.

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I know how horrible this is, harman. You may recall my mentioning that we pulled DS1 out of primary part way through Y6 because of bullying.

It was odd, actually, because I'd been in to see the head on numerous occasions, emailed him, etc., but he really only started taking action once DH became involved. As annoying as it is, you may find that your head is more responsive once exp gets involved. Somehow just being a "mum" doesn't seem to get the same respect as just being a "dad" .

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I would def keep off tomorrow, go and see the doctor. I would also mention to the school that you may have to involve lea and possibly local mp???? If you really want to make a stand. Personally, I think I would be looking at other schools just in case, so you are one step ahead. Hope your little chap ok. Explain that this is not his fault, that those boys are horrible and mean.

I moved DD schools in sept over various incidents involving a group of boys. it was a very hard decision to make but dd really didn't want to go to school and we involved her in the decision as much as possible. She settled in fine and loves her new school.

Our situation was slightly different in that DS1 was older and in the last year at primary, so pulling him out wasn't quite the drastic step as it might otherwise have been. He was going to secondary school in the September anyway. In fact, I think the school was more panicked by the fact that I pulled him out on the second day of SATS (very important for the school in Y6 - and DS1, being bright, was important for their results).

As I said, I'd had several meetings with the head and he'd made promises that he would put measures in place to protect DS1, that all senior staff would be informed, etc., and in fact he did none of this. The final straw was when DS1's class teacher joined in the bullying and then, when we pulled him out and bollocked the head about her behaviour, she denied it all. However, other children in the class confirmed events. The head became much more concerned about the whole thing once DH became involved but by that time we'd had enough.

I have to say that we didn't follow the route I've suggested below, mainly because it was dragging the whole situation out and DS1 would have been unprotected during that period. I only found out much later that he'd thought about killing himself .

If your ds is becoming upset and stressed by the whole thing, then keep him off school and start making the school take notice. It is their duty to ensure that your ds is safe and happy in school and they are failing in that duty. Much as it may gall, perhaps taking a back seat and letting exp do the shouting might have a greater effect as the staff do seem to respond more promptly to male involvement.

What year is ds in now? Happy to talk more if you want.

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DS1 was similar. Desperate to be liked by the boys who bullied him. He even invited some of them to his birthday party because (as I discovered later - had I known why he was inviting them, I'd have refused to let him) he "wanted them to be nice to me". Didn't work of course. But just because a child is sensitive and emotional doesn't mean that he isn't being bullied and should mean that the school takes extra care to protect him until his emotions catch up with him.

I think the fact that you have 3 children at the school is a point in your favour. Threatening to withdraw 3 pupils because of the school's failure to protect your ds is going to concentrate their minds more effectively that almost anything else.

Oh god harman, I'm so sorry, this is just going from bad to worse. I am glad your exh is being supportive at the moment- would it help at all if he spoke to your ds directly and advised him to avoid these boys as much as he possibly can, and to tell the playground supervisor the minute anything happens? Or has your ds already vetoed that? I would definitely go and speak to the head, you're not being at all neurotic.

please let us know how you all get on, thinking of you all.

Harman could you also call some support organisations which might be able to help you and DS?

Careline is a crisis counselling line which can refer callers to other organisations (020 8514 1177), Childline might be able to help your DS (0800 1111), and Parentline might be able to help you re dealing with the school about bullying. Will google for link for that one.

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link for parentline

They also do e-mail counselling.

Hi Harman - couldn't pass this by

It sounds awful and your DS should not be put in a position where he is getting all kinds of shit bashed out of him at a place where he is supposed to be going to be educated and be safe whilst doing so.

I would let your exA get on with making an appointment with the teacher and think it would be best if you could attend this together to present a united front to the school.

I would also draft a letter to the head teacher, stating what the issues are, that you are seeing the teacher together but given the teachers previous dismissiveness to you, are doubtful that it will be resolved. So ask her for an appointment to be made now for the day following your meeting with the teacher on the basis that you can cancel it if needs be.

The reasons for doing the letter to the Head at this stage is to make sure that the documentary process is started now so that there can be no quibbles at a later stage as to who knew what when and whether the severity of the bullying and the shameful attitude of the teacher was understood by all parties.

If the issue is not resolved with the teacher then attend the meeting with the headteacher and at the same time write a new letter to the Governors and so on - escalating things as you go on. The key should be to move through the stages very quickly - withdrawing him again as soon as another incident occurs and pushing it up the line again and again for as long as it takes.

To my mind the key thing to explore is what sanctions are being taken against the bullies. Are they being excluded from school - taught in isolation - denied break times? Are these actions consistent with the policies set out in the schools anti-bullying guidance?

Getting your GP on your side sounds like a very good plan too

You must be in bits over all this - keep your chin up!

I took my ds out of school towards the end of Y4 - the final straw was the day I couldn't find him (thought he was upstairs) and he had actually run away to the other side of the field behind the house (with his bike covered in mud). It wasn't the only thing, and I'd already moved dd (Y5)a few months earlier as her teacher was not good enough.
Not recommending moving your ds, but it did work for us. They are now in a lovely school and much much happier.

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Don't beat yourself up, harman. We're all novices when it comes to stuff like this and it's hard to stand by when your child is being harmed on the basis that it will do them good to deal with stuff themselves.

I'm really glad that we stepped in and dealt with the situation (although I beat myself up for ages for not having done so sooner) and DS1 said at the time that he was so glad he knew we would help him. He knows now that, if things are that serious, we will always take action to protect him and this is what your ds needs to learn.

DS1 is now in Y8 at a lovely grammar school and has made some really good friends. There was an incident earlier this year which I felt was verging on bullying and I spoke to the Head of Lower School. She stamped on it straight away and with such effectiveness that it made me wonder why on earth the primary school had been so ineffective and why I'd let them be so.

What other schools are within striking distance for you? Is it possible to speak to them to see if any places are available? I didn't have to change schools for DS1. I home-edded him until the end of Y6 - although much of that was getting him to socialise with other children and teaching him that he wasn't the problem.