Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Education

Join the discussion on our Education forum.

Original poster

PLEASE HELP ME - I need some urgent advice

86 replies

harman · 13/03/2007 18:29

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Freckle · 14/03/2007 06:08

Oh and do look at the Kidscape website. It has some brilliant stuff on there about bullying. They also run courses for victims of bullying. DS1 went on one in the June after we'd pulled him out - it's called Zap. It really helped him, although it was terribly sad to see the lovely children who attended the course as some of them had had experiences far worse than anything DS1 had suffered. And you had to wonder why? They were lovely normal children.

Original poster
harman · 14/03/2007 09:16

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Freckle · 14/03/2007 09:36

I think a face to face with the head is called for. Stay very calm - write down what you want to say so that you don't get flustered or end up getting upset (which they could interpret as aggressive).

They should be used to dealing with emotional parents. It's part of their job and they seem to be failing at it absymally. Of course you are going to get upset if your child is being bullied and the teacher acts as if you are being over-protective, etc.

GameGirly · 14/03/2007 09:43

Harman, I'm afraid I'm a complete coward and have never dated approach my DDs teachers about bullying, although both have been on the receiving end to some extent. I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you, though - your children being unhappy is incredibly stressful. Lots of the posters seem to have some really sound advice. I have just moved DD2 for various reasons, and I just want you to know that it was incredibly easy to do. I decided I'd had enough of the situation on the Sunday evening, called another school on Monday morning, went to see it on Monday afternoon, went straight on to her school to tell them we were leaving, and she moved 2 days later, so don't be afraid to do so if you think it might help.

Saturn74 · 14/03/2007 09:49

You need to put all this in writing, Harman.
Make sure you write everything down in a letter, using a calm but determined tone , and copy in the chair of governors, and the LEA.
If you tell the LEA you are keeping your child off school as you are concerned for his safety, and the school have refused to help, they will probably arrange a meeting in school with you all as soon as possible.
I agree that you need to have a meeting with the Headteacher, but I also think her behaviour has been appalling, and should be notified to the LEA.
If she is professional and caring, and was just having an 'off day', then she will be keen to work with you to sort out the bullying issue.
If she is not, perhaps this is a sign that this is not the best school for your children anyway?
Best of luck with getting this situation sorted out as soon as possible.

Caligula · 14/03/2007 09:52

Sounds like they're playing the "agressive parents" card.

I wonder how often schools do this to wriggle out of their responsibilities?

This is really quite alarming. Do you think your x or you were aggressive, or could be interpreted as being so?

I'm not saying you were btw, I just think there's a bloody big issue here about whether the school would prefer to wrong-foot you the parents, or deal with the bullying issue.

Soapbox · 14/03/2007 09:57

Harman - this is exactly why I said it was important to start writing before and after each meeting.

You need to have all of this well documented so that you are not accused of things that you didn;t say and being aggresive when you have not been.

Letters are much easier to communicate with in terms of making sure the tone and content is not misunderstood - please, please, please start writing now!

Write to the head this morning, express your disappointment that things have escalated and have not been dealt with very professionally and request an early meeting with her to start to explore how the situation can be remedied. Then hand drop it off to school at lunch time.

ruslara · 14/03/2007 09:59

I am so shocked by this thread, and only really want to add my sympathy for your plight. My DD was involved in two seperate issues at the hands of one boy in her class, which included a thump on the head. She took a while to tell us about it, but when she did, I went straight to the class teacher the next morning. Our school prides itself on a zero tolerance of bullying so I was intrigued to see what would happen. The issue was dealt with that same day - teacher spoke to both the boy concerned, and DD, then got them together to talk it through. We haven't had a single problem since. So it can be done, and you have to wonder why on earth this school can't do the same thing? Keep us posted - I'm thinking of you.

ipanemagirl · 14/03/2007 10:13

Harman, you have my sympathy, this sounds an awful situation. I think you need to get back on track with the teacher - this only works if everyone works together in the best interests of the child.
Teachers are expected to be miracle workers - and to control children in school who aren't controlled by the parents at home at all!
my ds was bullied by two boys whose mothers would take no sanctions at all - what can teachers do when families won't disciplines children? These bullies must be addressed by their families for it to work!
Ideally if you could become as calm as possible and approach the Head supportively and say "can we meet to work out a plan so we can support your solution?" Maybe the PHSE co-ordinator could come too?
Bullying is not acceptable but it is so hard for schools to address when they have children who are never disciplined at home - this is the great taboo subject of our society!
The parents of bullies sometimes say to ickle darling: "Did you hit so and so?" and darling says "no" and that's that!
The school can hardly force parents to discipline their children - some parents are really scary too! Good luck and I hope there is a way to work with the school - if you can.

Caligula · 14/03/2007 10:15

Absolutely agree with Soapbox, letters are always the best.

A) People take them more seriously

B) They're a true and accurate record of what's happened so they can't lie about your behaviour at a later date

C) No-one can wind you up or distract you when you're writing, you retain control of what you want to say and you don't get pulled in a direction which is irrelevant to the main issue.

serenity · 14/03/2007 10:15

I think you've had some great advice on this thread harman, I really hope you get this sorted out. From all the things I've read about your dealings with this school, it does seem pretty crap - even if they manage to salvage this situation, do you think you could ever trust them again? If I was in your position I would seriously consider changing schools and having a fresh start. Incidently I don't feel that you have done anything wrong here, I think the school has let you and your family down over this.

Going back to what you said in the OP about 'accidents' involving the boys causing the original problems - they might very well have been genuine accidents and completely unintentional, but the teacher and the school needs to understand that when there is history of the sort that these boys have with your DS, any incident takes on a different perspective. You are never going to be able to completely trust that it was an 'accident', are you?

pindy · 14/03/2007 10:24

Contact the Chair of Governors and the LEA

Good luck

Original poster
harman · 14/03/2007 11:56

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
serenity · 14/03/2007 14:04

It's not on this one, but I remembered reading about your DD having problems on one of the other threads. Didn't the mother of one of the boys get shirty as well?

Original poster
harman · 14/03/2007 14:09

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Freckle · 14/03/2007 14:11

Good idea to gather as much information from here as possible as that will give you dates, etc., too. Having specific information as opposed to "about 3 months ago" really helps as it looks as though you have been clearly documenting/diarising each event. Much harder for the school to whitewash it all.

If you want to draft something and then email me, harman, I'd be happy to give you an objective view.

Freckle · 14/03/2007 14:11

Well, I've met you too and you come across as being rather quiet actually. Although I've not met you in lioncub-defending mode yet .

serenity · 14/03/2007 14:14

Good grief no harman, you don't come across as aggressive at all.

Original poster
harman · 14/03/2007 14:16

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Original poster
harman · 14/03/2007 15:00

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
kookaburra · 14/03/2007 15:16

can't add anyting to the wisdom above, but

kookaburra · 14/03/2007 15:18

sorry, just to say thinking of you and wishing you hte best - this is the hardest thing any of us mums have to deal with @ school - but ou have countless mumsnetters sendign you good vibes....

littleolwinedrinkerme · 14/03/2007 15:47

Harman - just wanted to wish you luck on this, it is my worst nightmare that I should ever have to deal with this with my DD's. My only advice is to continue being strong as supporting your DC's and yes, defo defo put everything in writing, and also 'cc' the LEA on your letter to the head. Goodluck

Greensleeves · 14/03/2007 15:53

Just wanted to say good luck harman. His teacher sounds very rude and patronising. Your son has a right to be educated without being bullied and terrorised by other children - the school need to accept that it's their responsibility to sort this out and stop failing him. This makes me so .

Freckle · 14/03/2007 16:09

Doesn't bother me at all, harman. Presumably the complaint isn't about her as she isn't a teacher, just an LSA.

Tbh, I'd forgotten which school your dcs attend and, now you've reminded me, I would guess that they absolutely do not want you to withdraw your children as it could affect their reputation. Also, it would be helpful if you could withhold official withdrawal until SATS time as any child absent on the day of the SATs is marked as a zero result which counts towards their league table [evil emoticon].