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Original poster

feeling a bit low about my kids and friends

113 replies

underdogtown · 01/01/2017 22:34

Ds is 12, golden hearted, funny, very tall, and very bright. He is shy and can be sometimes socially awkward, but not always, and when he opens up, is a lovely friend and great company. DD, 8, is emotionally quite young, struggling at school, again, very kind, funny and desperate to be a loyal friend. We have made a mess of Ds's schooling - first went to a very alternative school which suited him very young but then didn't suit him at all, then switched him to tiny primary where we live in year 5, where he did well academically, but his only good friend left after a term and he struggled socially, and he is now in a brilliant prep school but only for two years [as we didn't get into a good comp in our area] where the teaching is excellent, but again he feels the odd one out socially, and he has only had a term so we are hoping things will change, but he is feeling a bit low about having no friends. DD is sometimes excluded socially at school is much happier than she used to be but we can still see a group of girls who exclude her [parties, etc] and she sort of accepts it now but it pains me to see it, and she is bright but just switches off at school, which we are very worried about, and hope to be able to afford to send her privately, but have no idea if that will help her socially. DS is very crushed at the moment, has he has got into an excellent boys school for Year 9, but didn't get into the v relaxed and indie senior school he wanted to go to, they cited a strange piece of creative writing, too much talking on trial day, and not following instructions, which he is completely baffled about - he said he found the work very easy but tried to be humble and definitely didn't talk more than anyone else - and it certainly doesn't sound like him. He got an excellent reference from current school. So worried about where to send him inYear 9, and I hate to see him feeling low, when he is such a lovely kid. Sorry, this must all sound very garbled, late night worrying! But don't know how to help them both socially, and what to do about their schooling in the long run. Any advie appreciated!

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PhilODox · 01/01/2017 23:54

And I so sympathise with your DS- mine hates football too, and is the only one in his year that loves, loves, loves rugby! It's very isolating.

Original poster
underdogtown · 01/01/2017 23:55

It is so frustrating how important football is socially for boys!

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PhilODox · 01/01/2017 23:58

I'm guessing all the rugby-loving children live in Yorkshire, or somewhere! Smile

ConstantlyCooking · 02/01/2017 00:02

Just wanted to add that children often take a year to really settle in a new school. Even children used to changing schools regularly need about a year to become fully integrated. Having said that, you should see an improvement in the second term as routines become firmly established and children adapt to the school culture. (I am a teacher).

PhilODox · 02/01/2017 00:02

I'm sure there must be some threads on MN about retention of learning. Advanced Search is your friend.

Is home edding at all a possibility? You didn't say which year she is, but if she's 8, there a bit of time before secondary school, and a change of classmates. Are all the people from her primary likely to end up at the same secondary?

Original poster
underdogtown · 02/01/2017 00:04

ConstantlyCooking thankyou - hoping this will happen - poor boy has had 2 year stints twice in a row now. And he did really bond with unlikely primary group at end of year 6,only for them to be all divided up and allocated different state comps :(

So PhilODox no, they aren't likely to all go to same secondary - but I just worry she is going to carry on struggling academically.

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Original poster
underdogtown · 02/01/2017 00:05

she is v naive, and the group at school seem to sense that - they can rib her and she gets upset. Bit of a vicious circle. A couple of nice girls that she is starting to bond with but she is playing gooseberry a bit to their pair.

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Original poster
underdogtown · 02/01/2017 00:06

will search threads - thankyou Phil!

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Original poster
underdogtown · 02/01/2017 00:06

can't home ed unfortunately, as working lots.

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Original poster
underdogtown · 02/01/2017 00:13

assuming you have all gone to bed! :D Thankyou for thoughts and feedback, and will check back in morning.

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PhilODox · 02/01/2017 00:15

Well, it's not always practical for lots of reasons! It's good that she won't be stuck with those girls at the next school though. Perhaps it's time to go into school and ask them how she is struggling, and what support they can put in place in school, and what you can do at home to support too? There's no excuse for them being defensive and not addressing issues- surely they'll need to demonstrate her progress at end of KS2? Or are they hoping you'll withdraw her? (grasping at straws, based on the fact that DS has moved schools?)

PhilODox · 02/01/2017 00:16

I am going to bed- our local owl has just started up, which means it's definitely time I was tucked up.

Original poster
underdogtown · 02/01/2017 07:25

sorry PhilOxDox, went to bed. I have asked those questions of the school. I was told last year, by her then teacher, that she needed to start working independently and it was all very well her having one to one help but she needed to start working better in class [so one to one help was stopped]. when I wrote to the senco that I felt that this advice came from an NQT and perhaps wasn't the best advice to help dd, I was royally told off by said teacher. I can be confrontational and too blunt and have expressed frustration in the past, so now try to take a step back. Neither of my approaches help dd much. :(

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RubyWinterstorm · 02/01/2017 07:55

I have chopped and changed a bit with my kids, state to private back to state.

Neither of my boys like football. The oldest (14) used to have "social issues" at primary, he's a bit unusual, likes unusual sport.

Funnily, he does much much better at the local comp, where he is now, than at his prep! Having a big pool of boys means there are lots of other boys just like him. He has a large group of friends now, and is settled and happy.

Same for DS2 who is sensitive and does not like football. At the comp he seems to be able to find like minded kids more easily yhan in his class of 20 at his old prep.

The comp they go to is not even "outstanding", just and Ofsted "Good" comp with a nice atmosphere.

State secondaries are a lot better funded, and well.... better, than many state primaries.

It has changed my mind about classes of 30 and big comps.

They have more friends locally now.

Like you, I agonised over schools, but am do glad I have left the private sector, with it's competitve attitude and overly pushy parents behind us now.

I guess in y9, you don't want to send DS to state, but send him to the nicest private school you can find. Somewhere with a friendly atmosphere and approachable staff, somehere where it is not all about being "the best at football/sport"

Original poster
underdogtown · 02/01/2017 08:13

that's interesting Ruby. It is impossible to get into the good comps round here - catchment areas are too expensive. I get that it doesn't have to be outstanding, but the one we saw and liked we didn't get into, due to catchment, and we didn't like the one he was allocated at all. If we could move and get into one with a good atmosphere we would try, but no guarantee at this point. I think a creative urban good one would suit him.

Desperately want to find a friendly creative co ed senior school with good academic standards!

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Original poster
underdogtown · 02/01/2017 08:14

probably would move to find the right school, but don't want to chop and change anymore so have to get it right.

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ClaireBlunderwood · 02/01/2017 08:20

Why did you ask the 'relaxed' school why they'd decided against your ds? And then why on earth did you convey the reasons for the rejection to your son (I presume you did because he denied having spoken too much)? I can't help feeling that you're transmitting your own anxieties and hopes too much and they'll be picking up on them.

My ds was accepted by two v academic secondaries and 'rejected' by the co-ed, more relaxed one that possibly would have been my favourite. We just shrugged, congratulated him and moved on - it never occurred to me to get a postmortem, I just assumed that there's an element of luck to it all and that he probably didn't gel at the interview (having done well enough in the exams to get one).

We all let our own experiences of childhood and school influences but I think possibly you need to take a step back. Not all children are popular at school. In fact, it's almost the mark of an interesting adult not to have been the top dog.

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2017 08:22

"And as I said I had a miserable time at state school so probably affects my decisions"
No- you had a miserable time at the school you went to. If you had had a miserable time at a private school (and people do) would you be condemning the entire sector based on your experience?

ClaireBlunderwood · 02/01/2017 08:24

PS sorry I sound a bit unsympathetic. It's absolutely miserable worrying about the children and feeling helpless. I think that's why we agonise about school choices so much because it feels like an intervention that we as parents can make, especially at secondary when we have so much less influence and involvement.

Original poster
underdogtown · 02/01/2017 08:44

I don't think I've condemned the entire sector! I have just admitted my experience shapes my decisions. I think that is honest rather than condemning the sector.

I didn't relay the reasons to my ds - he asked if he got in, and I told him, and he was baffled, so we had a chat about it, without putting him under any pressure - we have a good relationship so it didn't make him feel bad at all. They gave the reasons when they contacted us.

Have to go out now. I know it is easy to be a bit more judgemental and abrupt when you don't know someone on this anonymous forum but I am trying to navigate all this with honesty and sensitivity so please bear that in mind.

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Original poster
underdogtown · 02/01/2017 08:48

And I am not at all interested in them being 'popular' - just want them to have one or two people they really click with.

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Original poster
underdogtown · 02/01/2017 08:50

I had an excellent time academically at my state sixth form btw - but it was a technical college near london and just happened to have excellent teachers for my subjects. As I said, if we could get into a good comp, we would, but we can't due to catchment.

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Oblomov16 · 02/01/2017 08:52

This does sound like a real mess. I can't see a solution. What are you now thinking?

beatricequimby · 02/01/2017 08:57

I think you need to separate out the social and academic issues for each of your kids and then make a plan.

For your dd, socially, what you have described sounds pretty normal. At eight friendship groups will have formed and not everyone will be invited to all the parties. Being in a group of three will be awkward sometimes. But you could move her to another school and it might be exactly the same. I just wonder if you are being influenced by your own childhood experiences. If she has two nice friends at school and good friends out of school, that sounds fine to me and very similar to my daughters.

Academically, maybe a different matter. Your dd seems to have only been at one school so you could have a look around for other options.

For your Ds, you don't say what he wants himself. Can you talk through the realistic options eg staying put, waiting list for the comp he likes or the private school he likes, one of the schools his year 6 friends went to. He is old enough to understand the options and help make a sensible choice.

Lastly, I think it is easy to overinvest in the idea of the perfect school and perfect childhood friendships. Very few children have this. I would concentrate on maintaining the friendships your children have already. Does your Ds still see the friend who moved or the old year 6 friends. Good friends don't have to come from his school. And if these kids are all at different schools, they might be able to give him some perspective about what the various local schools are like.

PhilODox · 02/01/2017 10:49

I think, academic issues aside, it would help your DD to keep building her social networks outside school.
So do you have brownies, woodcraft folk, cubs, girls brigade etc where you live? Would something like Stagecoach or a youth theatre/dance group help? What does she enjoy doing? Is there a children's choir, or lego league, or an out of school sport she'd enjoy- team games build cameraderie for children, hockey, netball, even the dreaded football?
Can you invite the two girls she's friends with to do things out of school? Just playing or park or cinema?