feeling a bit low about my kids and friends

[underdogtown]

Ds is 12, golden hearted, funny, very tall, and very bright. He is shy and can be sometimes socially awkward, but not always, and when he opens up, is a lovely friend and great company. DD, 8, is emotionally quite young, struggling at school, again, very kind, funny and desperate to be a loyal friend. We have made a mess of Ds's schooling - first went to a very alternative school which suited him very young but then didn't suit him at all, then switched him to tiny primary where we live in year 5, where he did well academically, but his only good friend left after a term and he struggled socially, and he is now in a brilliant prep school but only for two years [as we didn't get into a good comp in our area] where the teaching is excellent, but again he feels the odd one out socially, and he has only had a term so we are hoping things will change, but he is feeling a bit low about having no friends. DD is sometimes excluded socially at school is much happier than she used to be but we can still see a group of girls who exclude her [parties, etc] and she sort of accepts it now but it pains me to see it, and she is bright but just switches off at school, which we are very worried about, and hope to be able to afford to send her privately, but have no idea if that will help her socially. DS is very crushed at the moment, has he has got into an excellent boys school for Year 9, but didn't get into the v relaxed and indie senior school he wanted to go to, they cited a strange piece of creative writing, too much talking on trial day, and not following instructions, which he is completely baffled about - he said he found the work very easy but tried to be humble and definitely didn't talk more than anyone else - and it certainly doesn't sound like him. He got an excellent reference from current school. So worried about where to send him inYear 9, and I hate to see him feeling low, when he is such a lovely kid. Sorry, this must all sound very garbled, late night worrying! But don't know how to help them both socially, and what to do about their schooling in the long run. Any advie appreciated!

[happygardening]

Where I live lots of high performing comps (with places) and you can easily rent with dogs in the multiple big or small, so moving sounds like a good plan if your career will allow it.
I'm not sure how many truely liberal schools there are out there in either sector, I've got quite a lot of experience of this and I don't think it's that common frankly.

[underdogtown]

you couldn't just name your county could you happygardening? don't worry if not!

[happygardening]

"To be fair I did qualify my statement about him by saying I know everyone would say that"
OP I'm not getting at you. It's just one of those things he didn't get a place maybe it seems like an odd decision , maybe if he could do it a second time round he get in or maybe he still wouldn't, maybe you're right this difficult person you know was influencing their decision, but would you really want to send your child to a school where a person who you consider to be difficult has this much influence over key decisions I know I wouldn't. Too many maybes and as he can't have a second stab at it, I wouldn't waste anymore energy over it.
Talk to your current head what does he think about the school or maybe he can recommend others that might be more suitable.

[happygardening]

I've PMd you.

[underdogtown]

thanks hg x

[bojorojo]

I do know that friendships with girls can be difficult but choosing a tiny school really does not help as you have found. I notice parents of children who are a bit quirky always seem to think small schools are populated by friendly children - that is just not true and children are more likely to be lonely. Bigger schools have more options for friends. However I would keep going with your DD to see if tentative friendships can develop.

Regarding your DS, when my DD was looking at senior schools we did not let her over-invest in any of them. She went to a state primary school but we were looking for independent boarding with no CE. I think you need to keep an open mind and not keep searching for the perfect fit - it probably does not exist. I think again that small is not necessarily better and you seem to have projected very strongly that the local comp is useless and he is now afraid to go there. Can all the children there be so awful?

I live in an area where private secondary schools for boys are few and far between. Why does your prep not suggest schools to you? They must have some idea where he would fit in. If they are now having him for y9 (have I got that right?) surely they have a duty to help you out. They are taking your money after all. Therefore go and see them and make a realistic plan. If you are prepared to consider larger schools and co-ed, hopefully this will help.

[underdogtown]

No No honestly I haven't projected and it isn't the local comp! It is a comp 10 miles away, as all over subscribed around here. It isn't a good school ofsted wise but wasn't even on our radar in application so I hadn't said a word to him about.

yy to larger schools having wider peer potential, I see that now. Will try to persevere at least until yr 5 though.

[Autumnsky]

OP, is it possible to ask your DS's school to sign him a buddy if you explain that it's difficult for him at the moment that he hasn't got any friend. My DS1's school has signed a buddy for an oversea student, his buddy has pulled him into my DS1' friendship group. They are all very kind boys, and this student settled in very quickly.

[KingscoteStaff]

For DS, make sure you or DH go to all fixtures and try to strike up friendships with other rugby parents. Are any of the other boys destined for the same 13+ school? If he can make a friendship with a future schoolmate that might make him more positive towards future school?

Also, definitely join local rugby club - there will be soccer loathers there too and possibly some other future school mates.

I agree that your DD will also gain from extra curricular stuff.

[underdogtown]

thanks for these tips - I think they have assigned him someone, but it is still early days and a bit touch and go, perhaps they aren't too similar character wise. Hopefully it will improve next term. He doesn't make it easy for himself, with a sort of defensive distance stemming from being shy. Yes desperately trying to turn up to rugby fixtures!

[Ciutadella]

Yes, it sounds as though rugby is the way to go - long cold afternoons for you and dh may pay off!
From what you say it sounds as though maybe ds may be quite 'defended' against his new schoolmates - which is a very natural reaction when you arrive at a new school where everyone else knows everyone already, and you ostensibly have different interests. Would it be worth having an 'open' conversation with him about how it's possible to 'get on' with people who are quite different from you - you don't necessarily have to have the same interests, or adore the person, to find a bit of common ground and have a superficialish friendship? In other words it's not a manichean thing - like them or don't like them - in reality there is generally something to chat about with most people.
About your dd - have you discussed with her whether she would like to move school, or do you think that would be unsetttling?

[BertrandRussell]

I'm not actually sure that it's easy to make friends through sport-they tend to turn up, train or play then go home again. Is there anything else he's interested in that has more opportunity for chatting? My ds's friendship group comes mostly from youth theatre but also from Scouts and choir.

[underdogtown]

I have thought about youth theatre, BR, as he loves drama and does lamda, but need to persuade him to do it, so shy and so tired in his free time - and need to find a good group.