New. At boarding prep school

[Willsoonbesummer]

My 8 year old has just started full boarding at prep school.The feed back has been so negative so far from the school.He is not organised enough etc.Now we feel we have made a mistake and not sure what to do.Any advise from mums who have been through this type of school would be very much appreaciated.

I am so saddened by this thread. I'm going to hug my 11yo DS a little tighter when he comes in from school today and be thankful that when he was getting bullied a couple of years ago he was able to tell me about it after I noticed little changes in him. I was able to go to the school and have it sorted. I would have never forgiven myself I wasn't there to spot the signs and help him through what was a really tough time for him.

I totally understand that some families have no choice, missionaries etc. But to voluntarily miss out on your child's years, fears, hopes and dreams is abhorrent to me

Missionaries?

Missing out on years, fears, hopes and dreams ...

Are you living in a Victorian novel HawkEye ?

Pepper
So private school kids dont go to chip shops, drink fizzy drinks and swear?
You are very blinkered if you think they do done of those things.
You are an incredible snob. Lets hope your kids boarding school has taught them that you should never look down on those less financially fortunate. Appalled at your comment.

My first Ds went full boarding at 8yrs for personal reasons and my second Ds saw how much fun his brother was having and begged us to let him go too

Pepper, it's really sad that your younger DS was having so little fun at home that he was begging to go away.

Gruach, I don't believe I am

A PP said military kids and missionaries would have good reason to send kids that age to board.

And yes, I wouldn't want to miss out on anything in my DS's life, time, his fears, and most definitely not his hopes and dreams

”It's so sad that you feel the best years of your son's life were when he lived somewhere else for 34 weeks of the year.”

Sad for you it doesn’t surprise me as I’ve said in my last post, this thread is full of sad people. More worryingly is that they are forcing their sadness on others by insisting that the 8-year-old currently at boarding school must be sad. For the life of me I cannot find a shred of evidence after more than 200 postings that this brave young man is sad and dying to come home. Someone now ought to show me the evidence.

On the contrary, I see this remarkable young man is soaking in every ounce of modern British boarding school life, participating in all activities, excelling in academic work, making new friends etc. and please don’t put words in his mouth otherwise when already ”he said he was enjoying it”.

I see posters are now scratching their heads wondering why the OP has not responded lately. Well, for one, OP didn’t come here to have an advanced course in parenting or to be patronised and slagged off as being cruel, sleep-walking into a school she knew nothing of, took orders from DH and has no say in her child’s education/welfare and a host of other libellous and malicious mud chucking. It’s as if OP is being viewed with having a psychological problem in doing to her child what she has done.

I am afraid I beg to differ from all these unfounded imaginations that all you anti-boarding posters have of the OP. I thought happygardening gave an eloquent account upthread of what modern day British boarding schools and boarding parents/children are like . . . [waves at HG]

To suggest that the OP (who comes from a First World country) is heartless, cruel, wanting to banish her highly intelligent and personable son from the family home etc. is not helpful. OP didn’t come here for a lecture. She came here for advice on what is, not only to a completely foreign person but also maybe 98% of the British population who I'm sure have never come within 10 miles of a boarding school let alone vocing an opinion, a confusing phenomenon - British boarding schools. The decision to send her son across the Atlantic to a boarding school is not made overnight. I’m ready to bet my mortgage this decision has been made after countless months, if not years, of sleepless nights and intense discussions with family and friends.

OP hasn’t got an issue about this decision. It’s most of the folks here that have issues (of sorts). As opposed to most of you guys, her visions and plans for her no doubt very much-loved, precious and highly intelligent son is far into the horizon that I suppose most of you cannot see. To suggest she is uncaring and cold-hearted is ridiculous. At the very slightest hint of “trouble” (there's actually none) and at the drop of a hat she’s flying out to stay for weeks to be with her son. It would not surprise me at all to see three decades down the road, her son is inaugurated as the 50th (?) President of the United States whilst many of his 38-year-old British peers, or even 58-year-olds are still living at home safely and comfortably with their mums and dads.

For the life of me I cannot find a shred of evidence after more than 200 postings that this brave young man is sad and dying to come home

Maybe because OP said he was worried about upsetting the school and crying uncontrollably? Because his housemaster, who is supposed to be helping him to settle in, was curt about him and couldn't be bothered to reply to inquiries? And because his mother, who knows him an awful lot better than you do, peteneras, said "I feel like I want to take him home next week"?

Pete
Even you must accept that boarding isn't right for every child. I worked with two people who boarded at 6, one of whom is absolutely fine and the other who has been damaged by the experience. I know two people who went to your favourite school who have sent their son's to day preps (both sons have offers from their father's alma mater and so will be boarding from 13).

Each parent has to assess what is right for their own child not stick rigidly to an idea that there is a standard route to these Public schools that must be followed.

Willsoon
Take a cold hard look at this prep and decide if it really is the best place for your DS at this point in his life. He doesn't need to board in the UK aged 8 to go to Eton, Harrow, Winchester etc. Neither the Eton pre-test nor the ISEB pre-test now used by Harrow can be specifically prepared for. If you do want him to be in the UK system to prep for Common Entrance then move him at Yr6 (10-11) either full boarding, weekly boarding staying with GP or day staying with GP.

It would not surprise me at all to see three decades down the road, her son is inaugurated as the 50th (?) President of the United States whilst many of his 38-year-old British peers, or even 58-year-olds are still living at home safely and comfortably with their mums and dads.

Lol.

"this brave young man "

He's not w young man, brave or otherwise. He is an 8 year old child.

Bold fail, from typing with one hand because my nearly 8-year-old, who was sick at school, is curled up beside me asleep.

Indeed Bertrand.

Pete you sound like a character out of a Tom Brown's school days - hopelessly outdated. I realise you're very invested in defending this because of your own decisions regarding your own child but as repeatedly indicated on this thread there is very strong evidence that boarding this young with little contact with parents/attachment figures is extremely detrimental to their metal development and many show issues later in life. As others have said, this is why this particular model of full time low contact boarding is rapidly declining in popularity. There is no reason whatsoever that this 8 year old boy should be boarding full time on another continent and I would go so far as to say that it is indefensible in this day and age.

Pete - sooooo because he's been a boarder at a prestigious school it wouldn't surprise you if he's going to be POTUS - riiiiight. Bush and his wealthy family did a great job eh?
Here's hoping then that my very academic DS becomes the doctor he wants to be and neither he nor any of his friends from school get high flying positions in politics because they would be crap, after all they weren't boarders! Well of course they won't, they apparently will be staying at home with their mummies into their 50's!!
Mine has been accepted on a full scholarship to a very expensive school, he has chosen not to go, I'm behind him 100% to make the decision for himself and he knows he will be the top of his year wherever he chooses to go as he has goals he has set for himself.

Just goes to show money can't buy brains nor emotional intelligence.

this thread is turning into comedy now. And I still suspect some trollery at its heart.

Guess what, Peteneras, despite my wrong-headed attitude to boarding, my adult children are not living at home with me and are doing very well indeed in their respective careers.

ISC figures I find very hard to believe. At one school my DC attended there were 14 7 year olds who boarded various nights of the week. Combined with manicinsomniacs figures our 2 schools would make up a large proportion of all those in the UK. And our school wasn't even especially known for the boarding!

Got to reiterate that I owe nobody any apologies for my school choice. I remember saying in an earlier post that I’m not in the payroll of anybody and I do not have to defend or justify my school choice. Come to think of it, EVEN IF, I am in their payroll, I still do not have to justify or defend my decision. End of story.

Fact is, I don't criticise parents in their school choice and I don't see why they should criticise mine or somebody elses. So, when I write about private schools, boarding schools etc., I am speaking for myself - not defending or justifying my decision. BTW, did I not say previously my DD went to a grammar school (state) and that was a school I had designs for her to go to even before she could walk?

OP
If you're still reading, I'm sorry some posters on here have been mean to you.

I think what you need to ascertain is are the school going to help your DS through any issues he has, or are they going to just tell him to 'man up and deal with it'? They should not be saying 'he can't get changed quickly, it's a problem', but 'how can we help your son with his organisation?'

I think unless you see that ^ change in attitude in the school then it is probably wrong for him.

Also, I would say, wait until the end of term or at least half term to decide (unless he becomes more unhappy). These could all be small teething problems that will work themselves out soon, and everyone is bound to be emotional quite near the start of term, so please don't make a knee jerk reaction.

Best wishes!

Yes, I’ve thought long and hard about what was said about the housemaster by the OP of his comments. I wasn’t there to see or hear it myself and have to just take what OP said as fact. Not meaning to defend the HM as such but there may be a case of misunderstanding between different cultures here, i.e. British vs American. Naturally, being a very concerned mother as OP obviously is, and especially when it is a completely new experience in uncharted territory for her, she would just hinge on every word and breath of the HM in the very first few weeks and begins to fear for the worse (unnecessarily) and questions her decision like she’s doing now.

We all know the British have a twisted sense of humour that most of the world do not understand and take it as a negative remark whilst in fact the opposite is meant. Yes, there are loads of such characters in British boarding schools, especially senior ones. I’m ready to stick my neck out and say when eventually OP has a chance to speak/meet up with the same HM when she’s in the UK, her perceptions and opinions will take a drastic change in the opposite direction.

As for not answering emails etc. if I remember correctly, it was on a Saturday when OP sent the email. Again, for those who are unfamiliar with the full boarding system, Saturdays are usually a very, very busy day for boys and HM’s alike. For a start, there are lessons till midday or even later. Sometimes boys and HM’s stay back after official lessons to iron out whatever problems that may exist taking advantage of the more relaxed Saturday afternoon to do their business.

But more likely, Saturdays are a full-on games day. Boys have to have a quick lunch and a quick change of clothes and more likely have to jump into the school coach to make a 150-mile trip to some parts of the UK for an away match. Or there may be a pre-arranged outing to see a show or a play in London or in the local town. Really the list of possibilities are extensive and it may be a reason why the email was not replied earlier but it WILL be responded to in the earliest possible moment!

I agree with Peteneras that that the HM would have been very busy Saturday which could explain why he hasn't got back to her. Plus yes, British sense of humour. OP, have a good chat with the HM and reserve judgement until then.

This thread has been an eye opener for me in terms of "how the other half live".
And if this is what it takes to be a future leader, that explains a lot.

Those defending public school boarding - so what age is too young? If 7 is ok, what about 6? 5? 4? There must be a cut-off when you put your own judgy pants on, or do you send away a 2yo?!

Though I wouldn't choose boarding for my own kids, I don't see a massive issue with secondary boarding. I'm not 'anti boarding schools' per se (well, apart from the fact that if I were queen I'd do away with private schools altogether:)), but for 9-10 and under, I think it's beyond bonkers. I'd bank on people like the OP who send their 8yo to another country to board out of complete choice (as opposed to service people, people for hugely disrupted home lives for various reasons and others with very little choice) being exceptionally, exceptionally rare. That is why she is getting a hard time. Though it seemed to me that the OP had exactly the same feeling as many on this thread, and needed a nudge to go with her gut rather than what she'd been persuaded was the 'right' thing to do.

ZoeMaguire

age depends totally on the individual child and circumstances. For a start, one night a week is a world away from full boarding with parents abroad. I'd say a lot of 7 year olds would love one night a week, far fewer would love full, but I do know some adults who boarded from very young and enjoyed it or were at least indifferent to it. In fact, a family member full boarded from Reception year, as was common many years ago.

Some children I don't think are ever right / ready for boarding and now I think about it, some adults clearly aren't ready to move out of home either!

Also, I think it depends totally on the family circumstances. I think a large number of children who end up being shoved from one foster home to another or end up 'in care' may actually have better outcomes if sent to a boarding school instead. So for those children I'd say the minimum age was young. Plus I can see the benefits for parents with erratic working arrangements, or those who have no access to good schooling except boarding..... And then there are the children who love it because they get to go to a far 'better' school than if they didn't board...

So no, I wouldn't hoik my judgy pants at a 7 year old boarding.

Peteneras reminds me of when we were teenagers and trying to make out that when the boy you had a crush on said "I better go off with my mates" he REALLY meant "I love you but don't want to show it in front of my mate" Maybe ... or maybe things are how they appear and it wasn't that famous british sense of humour. In any case you do realise that the young man- sorry child in the school is from the same culture as his mother and so is equally unlikely to get that famous british humour.

One thing that people unfamiliar with present day boarding may not realise is just how often you will see your child if they are at prep school. IME it is impossible for children to be in school for more than two and a half weeks without a compulsory weekend out. So for instance if term starts on a Wednesday: the first weekend may be a rare closed one where everyone stays and they're taken off to Thorpe Park or the cinema or whatever. The second weekend will be open for parents, friends, relatives to pick the child up after games on Saturday and take them out until Chapel on Sunday. The third weekend will be a compulsory leave out. The school closes. Everyone goes home or to their guardian or to a hotel with their overseas parents who've flown in ...

Secondly the majority of parents at, say, a high powered country prep, will live within an hour and a half of the school. Some will turn up for every match (that's all afternoon twice a week) or every time a violin case is opened. You're welcome to attend chapel any and every Sunday, there are endless parent and child tennis/cricket/squash matches, forest weekends, plays ... Some parents are always rumoured to be at the school almost every day.

Thirdly, the level of care is ridiculous (in a good way). This is what HG meant above about the difference from 30 years ago not being based on duvets and swimming pools or whatever. This part of the website/prospectus - IME - is totally honest. The staff (generally a married couple with school age children of their own) do truly care about making life lovely for each individual child and keeping their families fully informed of everything that's happening. (I genuinely can make a direct comparison having boarded myself 40 years ago. My own prospectus had no caring rhetoric, there was no emphasis on fun and happiness as necessary prerequisites to personal growth and intellectual success. I was never unhappy (nor were my schoolmates; we were as wily and cunning as any group of girls in history) but I can see an immense difference in the boarding prep experience recently enjoyed by the next generation of my family.

So those questioning such institutions from a position of relative ignorance really need to disabuse themselves of the impression that you drop your child off in September and have the nanny pick them up at Christmas. At the prep I know best children weren't allowed personal devices but could phone home whenever they wanted. (At senior school each child carries an entire Apple Store in their pocket and facetimes home a hundred times a week (when they want money ...) You know and love your child: of course you can tell if they're upset or unusually tired or stressed - the first thing you do is phone the Houseparent if you're concerned or even just curious or uncertain. You're totally free to drive down and take them out for supper (or lunch on Sunday). And - Lord knows - they'll be at home for two months in the summer and a month each at Christmas and Easter.

I completely appreciate that at 10 a child will be enthusiastic about whatever its parents show enthusiasm for - but try forcing a modern day 13/14 year old to do anything they're not keen on. The vast majority of children who board (certainly those who have competed for their places) are ready and able to articulate exactly what they get out of it and would be astonished if you turned a sorrowful eye upon them.