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New. At boarding prep school

626 replies

Willsoonbesummer · 30/01/2016 12:43

My 8 year old has just started full boarding at prep school.The feed back has been so negative so far from the school.He is not organised enough etc.Now we feel we have made a mistake and not sure what to do.Any advise from mums who have been through this type of school would be very much appreaciated.

OP posts:
Gruach · 03/02/2016 02:44

(Obviously in my first paragraph above I'm talking about full boarding. Weekly boarding is a different thing altogether and I have no experience of it. But it does seem to be becoming almost the default model.)

Drinkstoomuchcoffee · 03/02/2016 08:12

Gruach: you have neatly demonstrated how very unusual the "send your child to another country at 8 decision is". Even "full boarding" now means weekly contact with your DCs.
I entirely agree with what you say about the vast improvements in pastoral care/safeguarding which have taken place even over the last 10 years. But the bottom line is that your DC are in an institution and it cannot possibly replicate the care they would get in (most) homes. This is especially important for 7- 10 year olds.
I think another huge disadvantage of boarding - especially if you live abroad- is that your DC have no friends in their home town - and even if they do, school holidays rarely coincide. That means that the long holidays become very long when your DCs are young, and that once they are at senior school they usually want to spend them with friends who live in more exotic locations!

PosieReturningParker · 03/02/2016 08:15

Your eight year old is full boarding, sobbing uncontrollably?

Wow.

How dreadfully sad for him.

PosieReturningParker · 03/02/2016 08:20

I love my children far far too much to send them to another country for school. No wonder our government benches are filled with sociopaths if these are the sorts of childhoods they had, sent away even when sobbing at eight.

Don't you love having your son around OP?

cedricsneer · 03/02/2016 08:43

Op, you sound like a lovely mum. Please, please listen to your instincts. Every post of yours is screaming that you need to take him home. As soon as possible.

Don't be seduced by all the archaic crap about prep school being character building and good for kids. Or the enormous pressure of public school. For me, robust mental health is a far more important criterion for future success http://www.theguardian.com/books/2015/jun/08/boarding-school-syndrome-joy-schaverien-review

btw I went to boarding school.

Gruach · 03/02/2016 08:48

Posie that's a complete reinvention of what the OP said. Her son was not "sent away sobbing"

I may have given the impression above that the only good thing about boarding is the time spent out of school in the bosom of the family. This isn't the case. Even when I was at school and equally so now - pretty much any child who begins as a day pupil will be begging to board after a few weeks.

There are children who board who don't have vast acres at home - or, perhaps, even a garden. Show them 100 acres of fields and woods and then tell them it's not for the likes of them.

There are children whose parent(s) might be mentally or physically unwell or disabled - definitely not up for driving them across the county three nights a week for activities.

There are anxious parents who never let the child out of their sight, who are still arranging play dates for their teenagers, who shut down difficult conversations. Boarding is an absolute blessing for their children.

There are perfectly lovely parents with entirely empty pockets, watching an astonishingly bright, or painfully shy, or socially isolated (rural? careless?) child fester and outgrow their environment with nothing to do in the evenings but stare alone at a screen. Seriously, if you show that child a boarding school they'll work their socks off to get there. And still love going home again.

I hate to think how many people are typing furiously from the comfort of their many bedroomed, large gardened house down the road from an excellent state school, while they Google their next skiing holiday. Not every child's life is like that. Boarding school gives them the things you enjoy at home.

M2676 · 03/02/2016 09:05

If i were you i would leave it a while,all kids are different,some are slow and some are quick in sorting things out in sch,my niece started boarding from at 7years old from Germany to UK,she wasnt herself for the first term but things started to pick up as the days went along including her school work. Dont be disheartened,regular contact will help and like my dad use to say,"pray for her"....hope it will all work out and good luck

PosieReturningParker · 03/02/2016 09:07

Boarding school doesn't nurture in a loving environment. This child is eight.

Most kids would beg for chocolate for breakfast, it doesn't make it a good thing to do.

PosieReturningParker · 03/02/2016 09:09

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cedricsneer · 03/02/2016 09:12

"Pray for her..." Really? Is that the most we can hope for?

Prep school was for Victorian imperialists who lived in the Raj and had a vested interest in suppressing feelings - I cannot see how it has a role in the 21st century. It astonishes me. Any study of psychology points to the trauma to a young child caused by that kind of separation.

As I said, op, listen to your instincts. I'm sure there is an old school establishment husband and some interfering in laws who think that Eton/Winchester are the only way forward, and I don't underestimate how hard it may be for you to oppose this, but you really must.

M2676 · 03/02/2016 09:16

Well it worked but people are different in handling sutuations, maybe yours is different but hey im just offering a sister some help no need ti jump my throat... Smile

Drinkstoomuchcoffee · 03/02/2016 09:47

Sad how these threads always degenerate.

OP asked for advice.

She says she sent her son aged 8 to UK boarding school from a stable home in NYC with excellent schools. So none of the usual reasons for early boarding. She did this to maximise his chances of getting into a top UK public school. I assume Eton or similar.

She was miss sold this product. She did not need to do this to achieve her stated aim. A minimal amount of research beforehand would have made this eminently clear.

Her son is sobbing uncontrollably. The housemaster does not reply promptly to emails. He lacks cultural sensitivity in making critical comments to US parents - especially in the hearing of a vulnerable child. Decent pastoral care at this age for a newly started 8 year old from overseas would involve the houseparents proactively contacting the parents with updates about how the child was progressing. If he was organising sports on Saturday afternoon the job should have been delegated to another member of the boarding staff.

She wants to bring her son home. That is what she should do.

MissGintyMarlow · 03/02/2016 10:45

Well said drinkstoomuch, this thread is about one case where there is no need for boarding - let alone in a different continent, this child is clearly not deprived, has special musical needs etc.

wvoelcker · 03/02/2016 13:51

gymboywalton and PrimalLass are right. From my own experience, 8 year olds sometimes need more guidance than you get in a boarding school, and the inadequate (or, perhaps, extreme) coping mechanisms they might improvise can become ingrained and take many years to unlearn later.

Azza1 · 03/02/2016 13:52

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Azza1 · 03/02/2016 14:09

By the way - the ISC and other organisations' figures for young boarders are not reliable. My own research has shown that schools under-report very young boarders (under nine years old). You can guess why.

CloudyStar · 03/02/2016 14:39

DON'T BOARD YOUR KIDS!! I was boarded from age 7 and I have to pay £50 a week to work with my therapist to try to live with all the psychological damage incurred for separation, abandonment, 24 hr stress levels, no escape.
These are serious issues!!

CloudyStar · 03/02/2016 14:47

This website offers helpful insight, discussion and advice:
boardingschoolaction.wordpress.com/

Please, please don't board your kids at this age.

EmbroideryQueen · 03/02/2016 15:09

Gruach is talking a lot of sense about what modern day boarding is like, and reasons for choosing it.

How sad that the OP came on here for help, and the thread has degenerated into 'how could you do that to your son' criticism.

PosieReturningParker · 03/02/2016 15:36

Very sad about the thread.

People should be able to post about child abandonment without any criticism.

twilightcafe · 03/02/2016 15:46
Grin
vixsatis · 03/02/2016 15:57

OP Please don't take too much notice of the people here who have had no experience of having a child board from 8. I have and I'm going to try to be constructive.

Of course boarding is not for every child; but you do have to give it a couple of terms. My son was miserable for the first term and a half but then gradually got better and by the beginning of his second year really loved it ("Thank you so much Mummy for sending me to xx school- I really love it now"). It is absolutely ghastly going through that initial stage, especially if you are abroad but you are probably seeing/hearing the worst of it. Most of the time when he is not with you or talking to youhe will be busy and happy making new friends and doing new things.

If after giving it a good shot he really is unhappy boarding it is not the end of the world for entry into the competitive schools- the pre-tests are not taught for and it is only after gaining a place that a "top" prep is useful. By contrast, my boy was at such a school from the outset and failed almost every available pre-test.

School entry notwithstanding, I would still have sent him to his boarding prep because he had an excellent education and an absolutely idyllic few years. I would also still have sent him at 8, so that he could make the strongest prossible group of friends and really settle into the culture. The difficult first term has to be gone through at some point.

If he seems miserable or worried, then do talk to the staff responsible for him. As Gruach says, the level of very genuine care in these schools is extraordinary. Enormous care is taken to help boys through the hard patches. I wonder when you say that the problem is "negativity", whether your son is just really homesick and struggling to express why he is unhappy. All boys struggle a bit with getting themselves organized when they first start and will be chivvied along to find the right socks etc.; but this is generally very gentle. Be straight with the school if this is upsetting your son and, with an eight year-old they will probably take a different approach. If the problem is straight homesickness they will have seen it all before and be very good at dealing with it- a mixture of dogwalking, lavender oil and playing in the snow seems to have helped my son.

It is harder for those whose parents are abroad, especially when they see other boys' parents at the school so frequently so you may find yourslef here for a few more exeats etc than you had originally envisaged; but it will be worth it if you can help him work through the settling in period. Also, it's a good idea to try to make sure that he has a letter or card or little parcel from you a couple of times a week.

I hope that you haven't been alarmed by some of the posts on this thread. In a term or two he will probably have come to adore his little world and many of the people in it. When my son left his prep at 13 there were at least as many tears (boys and mothers) as there were on the first day. My son's prep was basically a paradise for little boys where they learned quite a lot into the bargain and made fantastic friendships. Don't panic and give up too soon.

PosieReturningParker · 03/02/2016 16:08

He's eight, not eleven, not fifteen, eight.

Who would want to be the other side of the world from their eight year old? That will be questions the child, and adult, will ask? What will the OP say?

Canyouforgiveher · 03/02/2016 16:23

The difficult first term has to be gone through at some point.

It doesn't really. Not for this child. There are private day schools in NYC which are equally paradise for wealthy little boys where they learn a lot and make fantastic friendships.

One of the things i think about with this boy is how odd his educational experience is going to be in his home place. He will not know another boy or girl who is in boarding school.

cedricsneer · 03/02/2016 16:32

Vixatis,it's not hugely helpful to tell her to dismiss other people's totally legitimate experiences and concerns (many of which are borne out by research) about prep school.

She does not need to be told to just suck up her son sobbing down the phone - your experience may be part of the spectrum of what she should consider, but not to the exclusion of other advice.

Many of us have been to prep school/have had friends and siblings who have been and have seen the collateral damage.