New. At boarding prep school

[Willsoonbesummer]

My 8 year old has just started full boarding at prep school.The feed back has been so negative so far from the school.He is not organised enough etc.Now we feel we have made a mistake and not sure what to do.Any advise from mums who have been through this type of school would be very much appreaciated.

There must be more to this thread. It isn't possible to sleep walk into this situation. She seems concerned about her son and I reckon she was pressured into it. The reason she isn't responding is perhaps the responses have made her realise what a shit situation her son has been put into.

There are some fascinating documentaries about the effect of early boarding on kids.

I think the reason she isn't responding is because it is barely breakfast time in New York! :-)

I lost interest in reading the full thread before the end, apologies. I have never boarded [parents wouldn't have it though I was desperate] but would be happy to send my children at secondary level if it was something they wanted and we could afford.

I have three points to make:

1. I doubt it was an easy decision to send your child to the UK to boarding school. It's one of life's great lessons as a child to understand that your parents aren't perfect and can make mistakes too so the most important thing is that your son understands that he can come home if he wishes to, that boarding school is not an Enid Blyton utopia 24x7, and that he has in no way failed either himself or your own expectations if you all reassess.

2. The housemaster sounds rubbish. Utterly crap. On that basis alone I'd be making myself heard and listening very hard to my son to ensure he didn't feel any less loved at school because he has a parent demanding he is treated well. It's early days and it's a young child, I'd expect them to be handling you with kid gloves so this is a v bad sign in my view.

3. Children get upset and sob, particularly when they are tired, hungry and receive a negative reaction on top of that. That's a fact of life whether or not he is at home or not and will be compounded by the newness of his environment. Most children would be exhausted under the circs. Difficult to assess from the other side of the Atlantic whether this was a one off or a continuing state of affairs. I refer you to Point 2. On that basis, there needs to be a sharp improvement in order to build your trust in the school's ability to deliver your son back to you happy and emotionally healthy by Easter. Otherwise it must be seriously undermined.

I agree that, on this thread at least, the 'anti-boarding brigade' seems to be in the minority. The term is designed to belittle. Perhaps we should choose a similar term for those who are pro-boarding.

Using terms like 'anti boarding brigade' is just childish. It is allowed for people to have different opinions and belittling people who do just diminishes your own argument.

I am not anti boarding, my husband boarded (he part boarded from 13 and weekly boarded from 16) but I thin 8 is too young unless there are exceptional circumstances. Getting into a decent school (Eton?) is not a good enough reason in my book. I'm assuming the boy's dad went to this school and feels it's the only choice. Poor child with all that pressure.

In my opinion the OP has two choices, move him back home. I really don't think any parent regrets spending too much time with their children and being apart from such a young child is difficult to comprehend. Or she can move to the UK so she's close to him and he can day or weekly board and still see his mum.

Using terms like 'anti boarding brigade' is just childish. It is allowed for people to have different opinions and belittling people who do just diminishes your own argument.

I am not anti boarding, my husband boarded (he part boarded from 13 and weekly boarded from 16) but I thin 8 is too young unless there are exceptional circumstances. Getting into a decent school (Eton?) is not a good enough reason in my book. I'm assuming the boy's dad went to this school and feels it's the only choice. Poor child with all that pressure.

In my opinion the OP has two choices, move him back home. I really don't think any parent regrets spending too much time with their children and being apart from such a young child is difficult to comprehend. Or she can move to the UK so she's close to him and he can day or weekly board and still see his mum.

Anti boarding brigades do exist though.
People who have no experience at all, but just get on their high horse at other people's choices.
I know because I used to be like this myself, and believe everyone is entitled to an opinion.
But surely when somebody is seeking help there is no point at all talking about how schools operated 30 years ago, slating the choice people make, and generally anti just for the sake.

"Anti" people may have no experience of boarding (though some of the most anti people may base this on personal experience) but they do have experience of eight year olds.

There is a lot of slick marketing of junior boarding schools. They are a brand being sold. All have professionally produced glossy brochures featuring bright eyed little boys and girls playing games on green fields, stringing violins in picturesque chapels, painting works of art, or acting in elabrate stage productions. They market a vision of an idyllic childhood of days gone by - and a fast track pathway to academic success and privilege.

But they are marketing an illusion. Most UK families get this when it comes to full boarding for the very young. The fact that there are only two remaining boys full boarding preps (Cothill and Ludgrove) speaks volumes. And even those two schools rely heavily on the overseas market.

The vast majority of UK families in this sector prefer day preps to 10. Those who do look for boarding at 7-9 are looking for an overnight baby sitting service which accommodates busy schedules while allowing them to maintain very regular contact with their DCs. They want to start their DC as day students and ease them very gradually into a boarding routine. That is why the sector has adapted to offer occasional, flexi and weekly boarding.

Even Forces/Diplomatic Service families who are very heavily subsidised with regard to school fees prefer if at all possible to keep their DCs with them until they are at least 10 or 11. That may involve several moves, attending a school abroad, or the non serving parent staying in UK for the junior years. The bottom line is that they do not want to send children of this age away for weeks at a time unless they absolutely have to, even if the product is free of charge.

There is nothing anti boarding about pointing this out.

It's hardly surprising the OP isn't responding, she's been accused of abusing her child, being cruel to her child, sleep walking into this and being pressure used into it by her DH with the obvious implication that he is abusive. She has also been PMd by people who I'm sure have a their own agenda to peddle. Many have made very emotional comments, "this is the saddest thread I read for ages" etc. Would you respond? She must be feeling like a shit parent by now. This is not the absolutely hideous AIBU section.
There are many on MN here who are very anti boarding, who know nothing about boarding in 2016, and no it's not riding centres and duvets that make it different than 30 years ago. The assumption that you understand 8 year old children therefore this makes you an expert on boarding for me doesn't hold water.
I actually think that 8 is too young to board in another country unless there are very good underlying reasons, army children diplomats children or more likely in 2016 both parents working away from home a lot and then I genuinely think boarding is a significantly better choice than nannies or au pairs and we do not know the OPs full circumstances. But I do think that the comments made towards the OP are unhelpful and that its unsurprising she's not returned.

I sent my son to board at 8. He wanted and needed specialist music provision. If we were simply looking for a babysitting service there are cheaper and easier options.

Quite a significant proportion of children boarding at this age will be doing so for similar reasons - either as choristers or at a music school.

Every child starting a new school will have ups and downs and for boarders there is the added complication of homesickness. I know from my own family's experience that pastoral care can be excellent and young boarders can be happy. My ds can call home whenever he wants. I see him every week. I exchange emails with his matron and housemaster several times a week and I'm confident that my ds is in an atmosphere where his needs are understood and he can thrive.

It's strange to see the anti-boarding views because the perceptions of boarding and the motivations of parents of young boarders is far removed from the reality with which I am familiar.

kipper your motivations are ENTIRELY different from those of the Op's (and you live in the same country and see your ds every week)

That's bizarre, they can't expect him to be perfectly adapt to boarding when he's just started. It can take a good term or two for them to learn the ways of the school. Is it possibly their way of saying they don't feel he is keeping up academically? Or just isn't suited?

Lookoutapiano
Or maybe its because the poor boy is 8 years old and needs his parents.
Its so sad. He is so young. I think for a mother of a child of this age to let her son board there must be lack of empathy. I dont know any mother who could do this.

Well said hg!
My first Ds went full boarding at 8yrs for personal reasons and my second Ds saw how much fun his brother was having and begged us to let him go too! He went when he was 7yrs and 10m!!! I have never regretted it, they are happy, confident, polite, well rounded boys who know how much they are loved at home and whilst they are at school.
Ds1 is now in his last year and is perfectly prepared to go onto his next school.

I look at the scruffy, rude, swearing, yobby kids in our local school and thank the hell I got my kids out of there. They go to the chip shop every lunch time, buy bags of sweets and fizzy drinks then the anti-boarding brigade have the cheek to tell me that I'm a bad parent??? they also plead poverty but go on flash holidays, have smart cars and massive TVs in every room - of which I don't have any!

So, live and let live! We make decisions for our children based on our own circumstances. The op was looking for support NOT criticism. If you can't support her then please...move on!

pepper these feral, chip eating, big TV watching, yobs you speak of, how old are they? Because I didn't think primary school children, aged 8 were allowed to leave the school premises at lunch time . And did you send your children across an ocean to their school? I think you'll find that many of the posters on this thread have issues with the age of this child and the location of the school chosen. So in fact much of disgustingly snobby post is utterly irrelevant here.

I look at the scruffy, rude, swearing, yobby kids in our local school and thank the hell I got my kids out of there

If you talk like this about 8 year olds, I'd be glad too that you got yourself out of my school.

Your 7 year old asked you if he could go to boarding school? have I got that right. And we are supposed as parents to say "live and let live" to that instead of thinking it a phenomenal failure to produce a decent loving home life? Or maybe we are supposed to even applaud it? my god.

And I love the "live and let live" except if they are scruffy, rude, swearing, yobby kids in which case we don't say that at all - we castigate them, don't we.

And the OP wasn't looking for unconditional support. She was looking for opinions.

I hope you are a troll.

Well, pepper is a moronic snob.

8 year olds don't go to the chip shop, so you're talking about secondary school children.

And I thank the Lord I didn't go to a private school, because at game days, the private school children were absolutely vile to us. So pepper, I would look closer to home who the problem 'yobby' children are.

Do all of those families plead poverty?! We certainly didn't. You are aware people who have money can still choose to go to state schools?!

If you can't support her then please...move on!

Supporting someone does not mean agreeing blindly with everything they say.

You are not the thread or thought police so you can't dictate who posts what!

Getting a child into even a decent state school in NYC is very difficult. It makes London admissions look simple. Finding a casual in year place at an NYC private school is almost impossible.

Think the op said the school he was in in NYC (which was v good) would allow him back.

OP - it must be hard reading all the very polarised views on here.

I have no experience at all of boarding schools, but my insight would be that you and your dh chose this school for your ds. It is unlikely that it is the absolute opposite of what you believed it to be. The housemaster may have been abrupt and may be difficult to contact, but that does not mean the whole school is bad per se?

IMO if you have made this decision for your son then your approach of contacting the school and going over to see him are valid. If you are able to spend a few weeks in the UK to support him through to half term and then make a decision then do. He's 8 and he's unsettled - he needs you.

Personally I wouldn't think that removing him back to NY as a knee jerk reaction would be the right thing to do. removing him will be very unsettling and will set a difficult precedent for you if you think that boarding in the UK is the right long term decision for him?

I also think that moving him to a different prep school (on the basis of opinions from strangers on here) would be very rash. He would have a whole mountain of new rules and routines to learn, and new friends to make - far from ideal?

I can see everyone's perspectives on here, but remember all of our view on here are down to our individual circumstances. You made what you thought was the best decision for your son - it's up top you what happens next.

If the OP specifically did not want to read the varied opinions of random strangers on the Internet I guess she would not have started a thread ...

Gruach - OP may have wanted to canvas opinions, but surely taking school recommendations in this way cannot be the way forward? We're all looking for different things and jumping from the frying pan into the fire because someone she has never met said it was the thing to do?

I'd be sorry if the OP jumped from reading a school name here to registering her child without further research. But surely that isn't going to happen?