New. At boarding prep school

[Willsoonbesummer]

My 8 year old has just started full boarding at prep school.The feed back has been so negative so far from the school.He is not organised enough etc.Now we feel we have made a mistake and not sure what to do.Any advise from mums who have been through this type of school would be very much appreaciated.

What so children just move schools every few months instead of boarding? Hardly more settled

hollingburst you're right it's so easy to have a knee jerk reaction to boarding (at what ever age) but few parents are callous and uncaring nearly all consider boarding with lots of concerns, they think very carefully about what they're doing and monitor their child's happiness and development very carefully. Many for what ever reason believe that boarding is the best option for their child.

I agree with this, children who have a special talent, children whose parents travel extensively, children whose home life is stressed etc could all benefiit from boarding school, maybe in some extreme circumstances even as young as 8.

But is is very hard to come up with any scenario in which it is better for an 8 year old to be in a different country to his parents when they live - presumably happily - year-round in a place known for its excellent schools and vibrant culture and community.

In fact the only reason given by the OP is that it was part of their strategy for him to attend Eton or some similar school. I find that very hard to fathom- it isn't necessary to go to boarding prep in order to get into a good school in the UK and so many posters have said.

And it is even more bewildering because the OP is american herself. There is no such thing as an elementary boarding school in the US. The earliest they start is middle school which is about age 11/12- and even then that is incredibly rare to the point most people wouldn't even know they exist - you'd have to google it. hand on heart I cannot think of one american woman I know who would have considered this for more than a nano-second.

This is actually a very strange situation-it is like OP and her husband managed to transport themselves back 100 years with regard to schooling. I feel like I'm reading a virago or persephone novel from the 1920s where the mother doesn't want her son to go to boarding school at 8 but the father says "all the men in our family do, it'll make a man of him"

Hollin
Better take this poor child home now and get him settled once and for all close to his parents. At least he can go home to them every night after school. He will get over this little blip if his mother does the right thing now. So hope she does.

I'm not anti boarding at all, and quite familiar with the English public school way... My children are in London day schools. But the way the school have spoken about him in front of him is unforgivable and he sounds distressed. I wouldn't consider boarding at 8 unless the child is very robust and the school top notch in terms of pastoral care. I would be very concerned here.

DS left boarding school almost 5 years ago and I still say those were some of the very best years of his life and ours too.

It's so sad that you feel the best years of your son's life were when he lived somewhere else for 34 weeks of the year.

No child of 8 should be forced to grow a thick skin to cope with being separated from his family for most of the year.

Haven't read all the replies but wow the anti boarding brigade are out in force tonight. My mum is s teacher at a prep boarding school and the kids have a great time. They are well looked after and on the whole very happy kids. They have lots of foreign students coming and for all those with local parents they come at weekends and one afternoon a week to watch matches ect. The kids are kept quite busy so don't get homesick and they get to do lots of things with their mates which they wouldn't normally get to do. Of course the first few weeks there might be a few tears but on the whole they settle very very well to this way of life. They get two long weekends a half term and much longer school holidays (had a month at Christmas) it's probably not what I would choose for my dc's (not that I'd be able to afford such a school) but it's definitely not all that bad and far preferable in my opinion for kids with unstable home lives or parents who are away a lot ect.

That's true, a stable boarding school is preferable to an unstable family life, whether it's awful parents or frequent moves - lots of diplomats' and army kids will get a better learning environment and more stability

But that's missing the point here. Unless op has omitted some crucial detail, they do not have an unstable family life and they are based in one place - New York area. If boarding is the best option for their son, then at least make it a school in their own progressive, culturally interesting/sophisticated and well-resourced home state! Not across the Atlantic, in a different culture and too far away for attending matches at the weekend or taking home if very ill (chicken pox etc).

Mmm ... Quite a few of the posts you may have missed icey are from people with family members who currently board at prep or senior school. It hasn't been a one sided discussion.

(I suspect it might have been more helpful to the OP if the not so fond reminiscences of boarding 30 years ago could have been diverted to a separate thread. Any experience beyond the last handful of years is probably largely irrelevant. Though it also appears that the OP was ill advised - perhaps by people living somewhat in the past.)

Iceyrider
I am sure your intentions are good in your comment.
But you are not an 8 year old child miles from home. You say after a few weeks the kids are ok. You just dont know that. Doing extra activities does not stop a child being home sick either. The loneliness for a young child must be awful. They may by surrounded by people but that does not stop them being lonely. I bet this poor little soul cries himself to sleep at night. Its so upsetting to think about. Your mum may be a teacher at a boarding school but she would never know what is going through a lonely miserable childs mind. I think the parents of this child are very cruel. No loving parent would do this.

If boarding is the best option for their son, then at least make it a school in their own progressive, culturally interesting/sophisticated and well-resourced home state!

That school doesn't exist. there are no boarding schools for 8 year olds in New York. Lots of amazing private elementary day schools though. I think this boy was probably in one before he moved.

There have been plenty of pro-boarding school posts on this thread. But also plenty of people who-understandably- cannot get their heads around sending an 8 year old across the Atlantic to an unknown school run by - effectively -strangers -in the hope that some day in his teens he will gain entrance to Eton.

I agree with Gruach that this decision was driven by people living in the past. and clinging to an ideal of british education - the father who wants his son to have a British public school education while he lives and works in NY (he could facilitate this much more easily by simply basing himself in London rather than NY but that would require sacrifice on his part rather than his 8 year old), the grandparents who don't want to lose their grandchildren to an american education etc.

What I do not understand is how the american mother of this child went along with this. Was it the glamour of Eton? I simply can't imagine someone saying "oh yes Jimmy age 8 is off to boarding school" in any social situation in the US and not be greeted by a thud of silent WT actual F

Forgive me if sound harsh but I have teens and they do judge you by what you did when they were 7/8/9/10 and those years they were very little and vulnerable.

Sounds the the mum had no control over the decision to send her son abroad. This the saddest post I have read on MN for a while. Very tragic that their son will only be valued for prestige of attending Eton. WTF happens if he doesn't get a place??

Iceyrider, no child at boarding school is kept so busy for 24 hours of the day that they have no time to be homesick. And if homesickness is pushed down, it rises again in all its glory every time you go home for the weekend, or get a communication from home.

I find it bizarre that you removed your child from a high-performing New York school where he was doing well and apparently ahead of the standard of the prep school he is now attending, and sent him half-way around the world in order that he can attend a high-performing public school in future. Did you not do any research with the senior schools in advance? I am absolutely certain that they would have told you that it was not necessary to board in an English prep environment in order to gain entry at age 11/13.

Have you been browbeaten into this by your husband and PILs? Otherwise I can think of no reason why you felt this was a good idea. Other posters have pointed out the tiny number of 8-10 year olds boarding in the UK now and I am sure a significant portion of those are from forces families or where the parents are working/living in very dangerous environments with poor educational facilities. People in your position with obviously significant resources just don't feel it necessary or desirable to send such small children away to school nowadays.

I'd just like to say I went to a boarding school at 8...the first three weeks were so awful, I asked to come home...then suddenly before the first exeat I played in a netball match; had a delicious treat tea (yes the doughnuts won me over) and home was forgotten. Prep school was huge fun and actually I made friends for life.
I don't think were your boy is at school at 8 is going to make any difference to where he goes at 11 or 13-but I don't think 8's too young....school need them to be organised -imagine they're getting 50 boys ready and up for school...I barely handle 3!

I'm suspicious of this OP, it just seems too weird to be true. The biggest issue being she keeps asking for recommendations for other preps, rather than in any way acknowledging that sending an 8 yr old to board across the Atlantic is cruel and mad. No matter how kind the housemaster/matron and how fabulous the facilities.

Yes, moving him to a different prep wouldn't help, it would just unsettle the poor kid even more.

The "anti boarding brigade" is always spoken of as if it's some silly minority group, but I wonder exactly what proportion of the population would be the "pro 8 year olds full boarding brigade."

Anti-boarding clearly isn't a minority, judging by percentages on this thread. The pro boarding lot always bang on about how facilities have changed in modern boarding schools totally missing the point that the issue is not about having a duvet and a riding centre it's about separating a child from its family, not right in the past, not right now.

I'm not anti-boarding per se (I boarded at one point) but in this day and age I do think there needs to be a good reason for it and removing a child from an excellent school in a developed country to send them thousands of miles away to board at the age of 8 just so they have a better chance of getting into the desired senior school is not it! In this case, and admittedly based only on what the OP has written here, it sounds as if she is not familiar with the British public school system and has sleep-walked into this arrangement, based on what her DH and PIL have told her. It is very early days in the boarding arrangement and DS may settle down happily but the OP is right to be questioning if this is the right school for him. However, the answer is surely not to be asking about other boarding schools!

The OPs responses do make me doubt the truth of the thread. No one would be that removed from the emotional side of sending your young child to the other side of the world for no good reason
OP is not engaging at all.

I went to boarding school aged 10,it was a specialist music school and not an academic school. I had a great time but I would never,EVER send a child of mine to boarding school.
It damaged many children emotionally,aside from the sexual abuse,eating disorders,self harming,depression,drug taking and drinking.
The thought of an 8 year old boarding and in another country makes me shudder.

My dd is at specialist music school, but we wouldn't let her go until 11. Originally we said 14, but she wore us down, asked to audition and said she'd never forgive us if we tried to stop her. She absolutely loves it and says she feels as though she is with her own type of person.
There are 8 year olds, but not many.
They seem happy when we see them and according to dd they are fine.

MrsHoolie

The state schools my ds x2 attended had all the problems you list above.

NewLife4Me I'm not saying those things only happen at boarding school. And for me,the environment was perfect,I thrived and was successful. However,many of the kids should've been taken out of the school by the parents IMO and weren't.
Sounds like your daughter was like me at that age

I totally agree, it doesn't suit all children, but the anti boarding brigade need to know that sometimes it can be the right place for a child, no matter what our thoughts are.

I used to be so anti boarding and would have been the first on here to call the OP all sorts of crazy names, sometimes though it's the best situation for the child.

In the case of the OP, it doesn't sound promising from the attitude of the school, and this probably has more to do with the school, the ethos and the management, rather than the fact the child is a boarder.

The school should be supporting the child and putting in strategies to help him become more organised.

I think all schools (state, private, specialist, day, boarding, flexi and anything else we can think of) have their share of problems with drugs, eating disorders, MH problems and lots more but I guess the hope is that at day school or at least with weekly boarding, there is an expectation that parents will pick up on the problems or the students will feel able to speak to adults about the problems. If your child is as young as 8, they are hardly even able to verbalise the mix of emotions they are feeling, and if you are thousands of miles away you can't help in any practical way (if you even manage to pick up from phone or Skype that something is wrong). You must find it tricky to even speak to your son regularly with the time difference.