New. At boarding prep school

[Willsoonbesummer]

My 8 year old has just started full boarding at prep school.The feed back has been so negative so far from the school.He is not organised enough etc.Now we feel we have made a mistake and not sure what to do.Any advise from mums who have been through this type of school would be very much appreaciated.

Abra, so what would you do about people like me, who had changed schools 6 times by the age of 8/9, my DSis more, had to cope with the appalling social side of getting to know people for 18 months and then having to start again? The bullying and exclusion was dreadful, and that's before the academic disruption. The alternative was home ed with governess or tutor, and if your posting is unsafe, you neither find it easy to recruit nor, more importantly , do you want your children to run constant risk.

Or bits of the rest of my family where frankly it was a relief to get away from home.

But of a silly post IMV, though I know where you are coming from.

The modern - I definitely get your point and many family situations are obviously far from ideal. Moving a lot is certainly tough (I know) but bullying can happen anywhere, even for those who stay put. I just think that, except in cases of abuse, etc, primary age kids need to be with their mum and/or dad. If I was posted to a place unsafe for my kids, I would change my job. If my husband had to go, it would be him to go and come home for holidays, not the child. As adults we have choices. A 7-year old does not.

I think it's hard, I also think that our custom and culture has changed immeasurably over the last 30+ years. I agree with you in principle, and neither of us wanted to follow our parents' custom and send our son away at 8. But there can be circumstances where it may be the right thing. I would not want to pass judgment.

Some people on this thread should be ashamed of their posts. The OP has asked for advice about her child, not to be savaged to satisfy your principles.

I have no axe to grind on this one. We did not send DS to boarding school, we gave him the choice and he did not want to go away from home but that doesn't make it wrong for everybody.

I hope you get things sorted OP

Some people on this thread should be ashamed of their posts

Why?

Are you upset about people defending boarding for 8 year olds? I think most of those posts were genuinely felt.

Or were you upset about people thinking an 8 year old boarding on another continent 8 hours and a whole country and culture away from his parents (and siblings?) was not advisable? I think most of those were genuinely felt too.

Each group gave advice to the OP as she asked for it. Most people no matter which side of the full boarding for 8 year olds argument they were on, gave good advice to the OP about dealing with the school.

What is interesting is there has yet to be a poster come on and say

"I live in the US and sent my 8 year old to full boarding prep in the UK and it worked out fine and this is what we did to make it work .... "

I'll be amazed if the OP comes back to this thread.

I've just read through this whole thread and I honestly feel I live in a different world to lots of you.

I really can't understand why on earth a 'normal' family would choose for their children to board? By 'normal' I mean a family where parents aren't having to relocate constantly for work or other such circumstances.

I'm not criticising those who do send their children to boarding school, and this really isn't a goady comment, but how can it be better for children to be away from their parents for weeks at a time?

Sorry op I realise that my post doesn't really offer anything useful to you. I hope you manage to make the right decision for you and your family and that your son settles in and thrives at whatever school you choose for him.

Which school is he at. I have heard that Windlesham House in Sussex has EXCELLENT pastoral care from many of my friends who have kids there. We are visiting tomorrow.

What an incredible thread! I don't think I've ever met a parent who could send their child away at 8yrs old to school. You would have had to prise my 8yr olds out of my cold dead hands to send them anywhere residential at that age. I struggled with myself to let them go to Cub camp.

I loved bringing up my own children. I heard all about their day on the way home from school and in the first hour home we had snacks and sorted out school work. A meal, a club or an evening spent visiting friends or relatives then home for bath and bed routine. I wouldn't have missed any of it for all the money in the world. I have no understanding of the mother who would have it any different.

Dotdotdot
Totally agree with you. I think for a mother to send her child to boarding school is just dreadful and unnecessary. There are many good private day schools around the UK.

dot ... Are you sure you read the whole thread? Because I don't understand how you could use the phrase "send their child away" if you had. Setting aside the poor, departed OP, surely it's clear from the posts here that that is absolutely not the sort of relationship that contemporary families have with their boarding children.

And while most people do indeed love bringing up their children perhaps they make decisions with which you have so far not been faced?

You heard all about their day while you collected then from school? Car? Or the physical fitness to walk or take public transport? Lucky you. Perhaps you might occasionally have felt differently if you were bed or housebound.

Snacks and sorting out homework? Not one of those mothers who's working till 10pm most days then? The ones who made a different decision for their children because they have utterly failed to be you.

A meal? You're not in a B&B then or stuck with hostile in laws?

A club? Were they all free? If not I hope you pity the mothers whose useless ex partners refuse to pay enough to support such luxuries.

An evening spent visiting friends or family? And you genuinely believe that every single family has this lovely option available to them?

Home for bath and bed? Just as long as the abusive partner isn't smashing the place up. Or an older, bored child isn't raging because they have no outlet for their energy.

Everyone wants your super-lovely life dot - but things don't always work out like that. So other people choose other paths. And some of course have no problems whatsoever but just want their child to have more of whatever a particular school might offer. I'm sure they would do you the courtesy of trying to understand your choices ...

Gruach Yes I have read the whole thread, and as it was my first comment on this thread, it was directed at the Op who most definitely did seem to have the choice.

And yes, I have lots of knowledge of alternative lives. As a staff nurse I worked around my children's school hours. I would work 4 12hr nights in a row and only sleep for 4-5 hours in between so I could get my Dc from school.

I was the child of a divorced working Mum in the 1970s who came home to an empty house from the age of 5 and sat until Mum came home at 5.30pm. There was no money for childcare on one office worker's salary.

And now, as a TA in a very rough school I am more than aware that not all families have simple lives, and that not all children have it easy. Honestly, I'm very, very aware.

Children are a choice for all bar a very few people in the Western world. Their need for security, love and care are well known and shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. Many of the posters on this thread have made a choice to send their children to boarding school because it suits their lives, rather than because there were no other compromises to be made. I genuinely don't understand people who have children with the express intention to hand them over to others to raise after their infant years. They are missing out on so much.

The thing is Gruach, people living in B&B etc as you describe above would never have the money to send their kids to boarding school, even if they wanted to! That's the real world as most of us know it.

No, I can see that you don't understand. But that's fine too. As long as other people are free to make their own informed decisions.

And Gruach, many of the people you describe above are actually standing at the school gates waiting for their children to come out so they can take them home.

No, the majority of the parents who send their children to board have a vision of maintaining an income that suits their aspirations rather than an income that would be just enough to allow themselves my 'perfect' life. My life isn't perfect, I had to work around the needs of my children and my career prospects suffered. My Dh and I both worked as nurses in the NHS. We have no savings, few holidays and drive old cars. Every month was (and is) a balancing act to pay the bills. Our children have always had us around though, and now at 19 and 17, they're both happy, healthy, well-educated and very secure in their home lives. We can truly say, hands on hearts, that they are a reflection of their upbringing. It was all worth it.

Mmm ... Abra - you don't honestly think I would have gone to the trouble of tapping all those keys if I didn't know what I was talking about?

Decent schools - and particularly those with huge financial resources - actively encourage applications from penniless, supportive parents of clever children. Didn't you know?

I think there is a place for boarding at 13 plus and each to their own there. Full boarding at 7/8 is a different matter altogether. People considering it must be well used to the reactions so frequently expressed on these threads - or are they really living in that much of a bubble? For the vast majority, reading this kind of thread is at best, shocking and at worst, deeply distressing.

In another generation or so, primary age full boarding as described by the OP will simply be something we read about in history books.

Abracadabra
Spot on!
The majority of boarders at public schools come from wealthy families.
Gruach, those you have mentioned are more than likely sent to the local comp. Do you really think the son of a battered mother in a hostel is going to be at Eton?
Example: My best friend loves in a hamlet called [details removed by MNHQ]. Her sons board at [details removed by MNHQ] 5 minutes drive down the road. Her family plus myself questioned this decision with shock. Her explanation is, they will make friends for life and they will grow up making the right 'connections' and the facilities are fantastic
Sorry that is not a good enough excuse to send your kids to boarding school.
My friend does not work by the way. Her husband is an only child who boarded very young. He is introvert and does many things on his own. Quite cold and distant. Never see him be affectionate with the children at all when they are home.

I think its all wrong. For certain circumstances where the child will benefit better at boarding school due to a terrible home life then fine. In general those that send their kids away are doing it because Daddy and Grandpa did.
I think any mother that could this must have a very cold heart.

Having worked in Child Protection for twenty years across London, I am yet to hear of a child scooped up and bussed out to Ludgrove!
And most mothers, even those in the direst circumstances, wouldn't let them go anyway.

I only read 6 pages and what I'm really interested in is has anyone replied who boarded themselves at 8 who was reassuring to the op?

There are plenty of parents who've said how happy their child is but I'm interested in this important difference.

(For what it's worth as only my experience, I did look extremely happy boarding in a delightful small school at 8 - but thinking now of how sad i was to be away from family reminds me of how hard the hidden emotional cost was.

As a parent myself now I do feel so lucky see our DC every day and every night I will lie next to them to read or let them talk to me. I hope I'm less likely to miss anything too- When I was dd's age (8) for example a much taller girl used to regularly push me under and hold me under the water so I couldn't breathe. I never told anyone.

FlatontheHill, I'm sure your friend would be delighted that you are not only condemning her decision on a public forum but posting highly identifying details to do so.

I had a boyfriend in my twenties. He went to prep school aged 8 then on to Wellington college. His parents were in the army stationed in Kenya. I met his parents one Christmas , he sat on his mothers lap and twiddled her hair.. He stood to attention and called his father 'sir'....taxi for Marylyn....

OP what on earth is the 'game plan' that makes you think that this is anywhere near 'the right thing to do'...????

Surely there is only one path parents want for their children in life. To be happy...sure, of course you want him in a 'good' primary so that he can get into a 'good' secondary.. So he gets good A levels and gets into a 'good' university.. Well here is breaking news :-

Mine have all done just that by going to the local primary, co-ed non selective secondary. Out of 8 kids, our eldest three are at 2 Oxbridge and one Durham . At no point would I have let the thought of abandoning my 8 yr old in a different country cross my mind. Money isn't the issue, we could have easily afforded it but actually preferred spending our money on being with our children rather than paying to be without them.
Why would anyone even bother having children to do that. Incomprehensible !!

Enjoy your little one Lovepancakes - he/she is super lucky to have you as a mum!

There was a documentary a few years ago about a boarding prep school that took children from age 8 and prepared them for the top public schools. I found it heartbreaking to watch - lots of homesick little boys trying to be brave, then gradually turning into old fashioned little men in their manners and mannerisms. They all received training in hand shaking, general deportment, looking adults in the eye, and what to say to impress headmasters of their public school of choice at interview... The staff seemed to be pleasant and kind but it was a million miles from anything I would ever want to put my children through at such a young age - perfect training for becoming what is expected of you, not finding out who you really are.

Lordy!

Sometimes, having sat on my hands for days, the god of mischief sweeps me up and tempts me to write long rambling responses .. Serves me right.

dot I hear what you're saying - truly. And your family life strikes a familiar note with me - but my parents were equally happy with how their late-teenage children had turned out. And those children certainly felt their parents had always been around for them - sometimes at great personal cost (in terms of jobs and being in the same place as their spouse) - they just made different decisions. Beyond that, it's great that you can make the school gate - but at the independent day schools I've known best at least half the children are collected by nannies or au pairs and the younger ones may be in bed by the time any parent gets home. (I know when I worked in the City I always felt delighted if I was home in time to catch the end of Newsnight.) I'm not sure that's better than sleepovers with your friends for five nights a week - which is essentially what a lot of prep boarding boils down to.

I dunno Abra - I can hear the howls of protest from "international" families across the globe if all the supremely lovely English boarding preps were to close. And it would be a crying shame for all the children like those I described above, for whom such a school night be their only chance. I imagine boarding preps will take their lead from the Public Schools they supply - so that might be a lengthy process.

Do you really think the son of a battered mother in a hostel is going to be at Eton? I've had to think about this very hard (and it wasn't one of the situations I suggested). If you mean a women's refuge then I guess it would depend to a large extent on the type of accommodation you were offered and the likely length of your stay. If you were in a self contained flat or house for a specified period of time and knew that on such and such a date you would be moving into a safe and permanent home, then yes, if you had the headspace and the time and energy and determination to do it yes - you could set the application process rolling for your very clever child. Obviously you would have to know about the school and its bursary policy and be able to met the various deadlines. I cannot imagine how anyone would be able to do all that if hastily placed in one room with no idea when you would be moved on.

What a cunning question FlatOnTheHill - how did you know that all the elements of it would be within the reach of my experience?