So upset about school report. feeling like a shitty mother

[Harriet220909]

Had my son's school report back yesterday and I'm really upset
He hasn't met any of the targets for he's year. Not one.
I know I should have done more with him at home but I have an extremely demanding toddler, I'm stuck in a one bed flat so there's nowhere for him to go to do he's homework and I feel so shit.
He's such a bright child bit completly lacks confidence due to him being behind. He's writing is unreadable and when he asks me to read he's writing I try so hard to and he's little faces just crushes when I get it wrong

I feel awful and like I am failing him. He's got an awful father who never helps there's just little old me trying to do everything

And now he's behind and he knows it. Today he told me he feels stupid after attempting he's homework. I can't afford a tutor, how can I help him?

I just wish the school had told me he was behind instead of me having to read it on the report at the end of the year. I would have pushed him harder and tried to do more

Which statements?

As for child development why don't you sign up at university it will only take four years (five if you want a masters).

Helen Bee The Developing Child is a good basic text

Not point on beating yourself up over the past; you got a lot on your plate; he is only 5 and you are still on time; you should try to get at least 30min at day to study with him; maybe put the toddler in front of the telly every morning or evening for 30min or even 15min. A bit per day is better than too much on one day.

Can you go to the library every day after school and try to do 15min of reading per day, another day 15min of maths; give the mobile to your toddler to play if necessary; he could also look at some books. As your toddler grows up , you can build up to 30 min per day.

Learning through play is a phrase designed to soothe anxious parents, isn't it? They want to be sure their children hit their targets but they are reassured that this will be done in a painless way. The result of learning through play is children who experience failure at an age when they are beginning to develop an identity and beliefs about themselves. By the time they are seven the damage has already been done for a huge number of children, especially working class boys, and they do not recover. Hence the famous British 'long tail of underachievement' that defies eradication efforts. Sure, there are some high achievers, but the cost of the approach is endemic poverty, and generations of unemployment. It's a savage system.

Meanwhile, the Finns, whom we probably shouldn't judge by observations of one large office, have low levels of child poverty, poverty of aspiration isn't a major issue, and they enjoy a relatively high standard of living. Their education system is geared in every detail toward the dissemination of democratic values, a far cry from the British system which seems to have as one of its basic aims the assignment of their proper place to all those who run its gauntlet.

If you really think it is important to play this game, and if you can afford it, get your child into Suzuki music classes - this will help with non verbal communication. Developing good impulse control will have a positive effect on later maths progress, and praising effort and being specific about exactly what you see to praise will reap great rewards in terms of ability and willingness to try. It is appalling that your child knows the word stupid and uses it in the context of school. He should never hear the word stupid or the words clever/ smart/ intelligent. Praise willingness to try, organisation, staying on task, having a plan about what he intends to do, and encourage initiative. When he asks questions, answer with 'let's look that up' and tell him he asks interesting questions.

No math learning through play is an educational approach based on the philosophy that children should be actively involved in their own learning. Purposeful play is a developmentally appropriate feature of any early years setting (except those you know apparently).
During a typical day there will be periods of structured and unstructured activity which enables children to learn at their own pace.
Whether or not it reassures parents is debatable as many parents complain that their child isn't being taught anything because all they do all day is play ...

So you've actually visited Finnish pre schools ... Perhaps we could compare our observations?

Maths
The company i worked for was huge in Finland. They owned a major part of Helsinki and the culture i spoke of went very much deeper than the company itself
.

We moved our children from an English community school to a US state school in primary and our experience was that the pressure in the States was huge compared to the UK. Our children were in years 3 and 5 (6 and 8) and while we moaned about the UK project work, in the US they had two hours homework every night, were asked to attend an extra class each day to catch up and it was suggested that they might go to Saturday morning school as well. They also offered summer school, although it wasn't suggested for our two.

Sure they got to wear their own clothes, but it was in no way a more relaxed environment academically. They were very focused on No Child Left Behind, and all the schools in the area did get very good results, but boy the children had to work for them!

It is fine to work once you get past early years, and developmentally appropriate.

Mrz, children are 'actively involved in their own learning' whether they are in school or not.

Since 'learning through play' makes children 'actively involved in their own learning', and since there are 'periods of structured and unstructured activity which enable children to learn at their own pace', can you explain how a child would end up feeling that he is stupid and unable to learn anything (to quote the OP)?

If you looked at the Swedish early years setting link I posted earlier, maybe you noticed the comment from the former teacher (a British national) regarding failure? It appears this child is not the only one to have a horrible experience in early years 'education' in Britain.

Surely you do not mean to imply that there is nothing wrong with British work culture, management practices, etc? The term 'jobsworth' is quintessentially English. There is a whole genre of comedy based on ineptitude, standing on ceremony, pomposity, and other characteristics of the British workplace. I would choose Finland any day over a culture that is prepared to turn a blind eye to the huge level of failure in its schools, and not just failure, waste of human potential. The system of beliefs about people that lies behind that complacency about the acceptable price that is paid in order for the (alleged) cream to rise to the top will bite Britain hard in the next decades. The children who succeed in Britain's schools do so despite their experiences, not because of them.

Of course children are actively involved in their own learning wherever they are math, no one suggested they weren't.
Learning through play doesn't make children do anything.

The OPs child is a young child in Y1 and there could be dozens (hundreds) of reasons why the child feels the way they do, without knowing the child and the school it's not possible to know.
Of course we can all guess and place blame but that's not really helpful to the OP or her son so I'd prefer to offer suggestions for age appropriate activities that support child development.

Have you worked in Finland or for a Finnish company is that where you saw Finnish preschool education in practice?

Maths
having been to Finland and worked for the finns, there is no way i would swap.
I have dyslexic working class boy, the system has worked for him. School was the right place for him at 5 despite not clicking with reading until he was 7.
the jobsworth thing was a tiny part of our history that was stamped on. We are a tiny country yet our music and art and engineers are world leaders. Have you listened to Sibelias , do you know Finland has very high rates of alcoholism and depression.

I find it sad when people prefer to put down other people with sort statements instead of engaging and explaining and addressing specific questions.
Good thing I don't do it with my adult students. I'd be crucified by them.

Finnish men have low life expectancy and highest suicide rate in Western Europe

Do you regularly teach adult students through the medium of MN?

Child development is not the same thing as enabling a child to reach targets for his year in school.

It seems to me that your perceptions of Finnish education are as off as your perceptions of British education and you do not understand the pressurised underpinnings of 'learning through play' in the British context. What is wrong with just playing and maybe learning at the same time?

According to you 'learning through play' is widespread all over Britain, and in the case of one child at least, his classroom experience of learning through play has caused him to bedwet, and fake illness to avoid going to school. I would be 99% confident that his school experience is to blame for the 'illness', plus the bedwetting and his opinion that he is stupid and unable to learn anything.

Put it all together along with his teacher's report that he failed to meet any of his targets, and your opinion that 'there could be dozens (hundreds) of reasons why the child feels the way they do' looks like stubborn refusal to face the fact that 'learning through play' means meeting targets above all, and is just a fancy way of forcing square pegs into round holes.

You are really barking up the wrong tree if you are trying to state that Finnish education and the British approach are in any way comparable. Surely with a background in early childhood development you understand the implications of the far later start to formal education in Finland? You understand the reason the Finns do this? You understand why early childhood education in Finland consists of providing children with tools to learn instead of material to master, and you understand the difference between those two items?

Boffin, yes Finnish orthography makes learning to read relatively easy, but how do you explain Finland's prowess in teaching foreign languages including the notoriously difficult English as a second language?

But I engage people as adults. And would rather explain things than put people down. There are lots of instances where I have to make points in my specific area.

So, do you really believe that all children are on target as defined by the school?
Do you really think that those targets are realistic for all children?
That what's important at key stages (say, between 5 and 7) is the teaching and not whether they are biologically prepared?
What is the evidence for that?

That it's not contradictory to say that children are offered learning through play and then be worried that this boy has been "in school" for two years and needs remedial work, essentially?
And as maths has asked, how if it's all good, has this child thought he was stupid when we all know that many children who start behind eventually even overtake their peers?
And how specifically does he get the confidence back, which is a very important aspect of learning and can knock down perfectly able students?

Because english is everywhere. To learn a language well you need to immerse yourself in that language. English is easily accessible through film, books and music.
Last time i was in the Netherlands i wss speaking to a bright dutch girl who was in the top stream educationally wise.
Her english was very good and she said it was because of her obsession with Owl City and wanting to understand the lyrics.

Math I'm pleased that you feel confident to diagnose a child you have never met based on a sentence on MN. I'd prefer to meet the child and visit the school more than once before making any conclusions.
I've met very able children who have never been to school who feel "stupid" ...why? Perhaps you can diagnose?
I've met struggling kids who are very confident in their ability ...why?
I've had children complain that other kids (often siblings) have called them stupid ... the idea comes from many sources ...
I've also seen schools where children are rigidly ability grouped from early ages, sending a negative message ...without investigation how do we decide which is the root of the problem?

High rates of depression and alcoholism are also found in Ireland, and Russia, and yes I have listened to Sibelius and reference to his music is neither here nor there. Have you ever listened to The Smiths?

Is reference to depression a means of congratulating Britain for superiority over Finland? I do not think this sort of reference is in good taste, or warranted in a scientific sense.

Suicide rates for men are as follows, according to the OECD:
Lithuania, Latvia, Hungary, Estonia, Slovenia, Finland, Belgium, France, Czech Republic, Austria, Romania, Slovak Republic, Sweden/Ireland have the highest male suicide rates in Europe (higher than the EU average). A mixed bag. Lithuania leads the field by a huge margin.

I think British people must be fed a line about being world leaders in music and art and engineering -- maybe in school? That sort of elitist idea comes from the notion that genius is important and is the mark of a flourishing education system, whereas in fact the hallmark of a good education system is general progress for all, not the success of a few and the failure of a large number.

Working class white British boys are the group that is most miserably failed by the British education system. Your exceptional experience proves the rule.

You are making yourself sound a little silly, Mrz.

This child has spent a year in school, some of the time unwillingly (he has faked illness to try to get out of it), and has 'failed' to meet any of his targets, and now calls himself stupid and unable to learn.

Only the bedwetting could possibly at a stretch be unrelated to school but I would bet the farm that it is.

Hi OP - my DD is the same age S your DS and like your DS finds writing tricky; the working assumption with the school is she has some dyspraxic tendencies. I wasn't as on it as I should have been in part because of the Mumsnet "they're BABIES" response to anyone who has concerns about milestones. Not helpful.

mrz's posts are excellent - in addition have a look in WH Smith for the early writing practice books - the first ones are all about tracing wiggly lines etc. If he's having issues correctly tracing wiggly lines at nearly 6 I would ask for a meeting with the SENCO. Also tracing other stuff - get some tracing paper and print out some favourite cartoon characters. If upper body strength is weak monkey bars may be too difficult - but playing wheelbarrow races is easier and can be done indoors. Also ask the SENCO for some pencil grips and experiment. Thicker pens can be easier to write with. Does he like colouring in?

'english is everywhere. To learn a language well you need to immerse yourself in that language. English is easily accessible through film, books and music.'

And yet, it seems impossible to teach a large section of British children enough English to get them through school exams in their teens, despite the fact that English is everywhere around them from the cradle on up.

How do Finnish students learn English and get over the orthography while British students' progress causes so much consternation?