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So upset about school report. feeling like a shitty mother

396 replies

Harriet220909 · 11/07/2015 22:50

Had my son's school report back yesterday and I'm really upset
He hasn't met any of the targets for he's year. Not one.
I know I should have done more with him at home but I have an extremely demanding toddler, I'm stuck in a one bed flat so there's nowhere for him to go to do he's homework and I feel so shit.
He's such a bright child bit completly lacks confidence due to him being behind. He's writing is unreadable and when he asks me to read he's writing I try so hard to and he's little faces just crushes when I get it wrong

I feel awful and like I am failing him. He's got an awful father who never helps there's just little old me trying to do everything

And now he's behind and he knows it. Today he told me he feels stupid after attempting he's homework. I can't afford a tutor, how can I help him?

I just wish the school had told me he was behind instead of me having to read it on the report at the end of the year. I would have pushed him harder and tried to do more

OP posts:
mrz · 15/07/2015 07:39

With regards to handwriting you may discover that he finds joined handwriting easier than single letters and the action creates motor memory which helps spelling.
I've got some Y1 pupils who've struggled with letter formation all year and have taken to joined writing like ducks to water. One boy says it's his favourite "job" and his writing was totally unreadable before. It's great to see how proud he feels showing his mum his work. This week my class gave written letters to next year's teacher and all said they want to learn joined up writing

sandgrown · 15/07/2015 07:49

Why are giving our 5 year olds targets when in much of Europe children do not start school until age 6 ? It is do wrong to put pressure on them when they should still be learning through play. I would try and find time to read with both children, practise drawing and do lots of counting games and rhymes. Just keep it simple

Cloud2 · 15/07/2015 13:30

Hi, OP, haven't read through all the post, so maybe ideas that have already posted.

5 years old is still young, some children would catch up when they are 6 or 7.However, as your DS is upset about his progress, you can help him a bit. Summer holiday is a good time. I don't think handwriting is so important at the moment. The most important thing is reading and number. I would recommond BBC bite size games for KS1, it's fun and you don't need to supervise him all the time. You can play with your toddler alongside. Also, CBeebies's Alphablock is great to watch to help with phonics. And some games is useful for numbers, like snake and ladder, children's version monopoly , shopping game etc. You may can play with your toddler together.

My DS2 was at the bottom set in reception and moved up slowly in year 1. I think lots of summer boys are like that.So don't worry.

mathanxiety · 15/07/2015 18:45

It does not strike you from looking at the 'writing area' link that maybe those children are not really ready for writing?

Does it strike you at all that those uniforms, complete with ties in some cases, and shiny school shoes, are singularly unsuitable for tree climbing and romping around? The spotless clothes indicate to me that those children do not in fact spend any time at all engaging in meaningful interaction with the outdoors.

Look at the soles of the shoes of the child in the last photo...

Now take a look at the Swedish preschool I linked to, and see what is really meant by 'play based learning' as opposed to 'learning with a play/pretend/fun component thrown in to sweeten the pill and make it look less Victorian'.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 15/07/2015 18:56

apologies for just coming on and marking place but want to come back later and look at you links you've posted mathanxiety.

mrz · 15/07/2015 20:04

It strikes me that you seem unfamiliar with child development and the concept of mark making which children do naturally if they have access to materials, be it a stick to make patters in the sand at the beach or crayons on the newly decorated wall or a pencil and paper to add kisses to granny's card.

The stages of emergent writing
Young children move through a series of stages as they are learning to write. The stages reflect a child's growing knowledge of the conventions of literacy, including letters, sounds and spacing of words within sentences. Almost every interaction in a child's world is preparing them to become a reader and writer. The indicators of hallmarks within stages are described below.

It's important to remember that there will be variations in the way kids move through writing stages; it may not happen in the same way or at the same time and the lines between the stages can be blurry. Many models of writing development and word study label stages with their own terms using various descriptors. The descriptions below are designed to communicate common writing characteristics.

Scribbling/drawing

Most children begin their writing career by scribbling and drawing. Grasping the crayon or pencil with a full fist, a young scribbling child is exploring with space and form. He is creating a permanent record of his ideas and thoughts. These first scribbles can be proud accomplishments! Thick markers, crayons, and unlined paper are good writer's tools for this stage.

Letter-like forms and shapes

At this stage of writing development, children begin to display their understanding that writers use symbols to convey their meaning. Writing begins to include shapes (circles, squares) and other figures. A writer in this stage will often write something and ask, "What does this say?" There's little orientation of forms and shapes to space (i.e., they appear in random places within the writing or drawing). Tubs of markers, crayons, and paper remain good writer's tools.

Letters!

As a child's writing continues to develop, she will begin to use random letters. Most children begin with consonants, especially those in the author's name. Pieces of writing are usually strings of upper-case consonants, without attention to spaces between words or directionality. At the beginning of this stage, there remains a lack of sound-to-symbol correspondence between the words they are trying to write and the letters they use. Later efforts may include letters for the salient sounds in words and include the author's own name. Different types of paper, including memo pads, envelopes, lined paper and some smaller pens and pencils are good writer's tools at this stage. Tubs of foam letters and letter magnets are also handy.

mrz · 15/07/2015 20:04

Have you visited many Swedish preschools math?

mrz · 16/07/2015 07:46

[[
? 4:37
www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrDkTm8eqAg]]

mathanxiety · 16/07/2015 08:47

Mark making -- no need to attend school all day indoors a stiff uniform and leather shoes to facilitate that, as Sweden well understands. No need for homework to perfect it at age 5, and no need to humiliate children who are not progressing at it as rapidly as their peers seem to be. Your link didn't work for some reason, I will go back and look at my own link to a Swedish preschool.

The OP was told in a report that her child, who attends an English school, was 'behind':
"Had my son's school report back yesterday and I'm really upset
He hasn't met any of the targets for he's year. Not one.
I know I should have done more with him at home but I have an extremely demanding toddler, I'm stuck in a one bed flat so there's nowhere for him to go to do he's homework and I feel so shit.
He's such a bright child bit completly lacks confidence due to him being behind. He's writing is unreadable and when he asks me to read he's writing I try so hard to and he's little faces just crushes when I get it wrong.

...

And now he's behind and he knows it. Today he told me he feels stupid after attempting he's homework. I can't afford a tutor, how can I help him?

I just wish the school had told me he was behind instead of me having to read it on the report at the end of the year. I would have pushed him harder and tried to do more."

He is 5.

I really think you should get out and visit more English schools Mrz. That way you could see what goes on in them.

Would you care to comment on the usefulness of uniforms and formal footwear for play based learning?

Lweji · 16/07/2015 11:30

Trying to stay away, but how is this helpful for children who are only able (physically) to catch up when they are well into their 6s, perhaps even 7s?

"In 10 months he's going to be faced with SEVEN new tests (may be externally marked and certainly more formal than this year) so do you suggest the OP sits around saying well he's only 5 (6 or 18) or do you think it's a good idea to look for the best ways to help?"

And this
"The OPs child has been in school for two years and is still experiencing difficulties how many more years should she wait before helping him?"

Neither the system, nor you are recognising that some children do develop later than others, and that it happens regardless of future performance or "training" and encouragement, which is why some children end up feeling stupid.

yoyo1234 · 16/07/2015 13:48
Flowers
mrz · 16/07/2015 16:25

Math I visit English schools. I've even visited a Swedish pre school as well as Finnish pre schools how about you?

mrz · 16/07/2015 16:31

How helpful is it to rant about a system that you seem to be judging from hearsay rather experience or expertise.

The OP presumably chose to send her child to school and now wants to do what she can to support him . Have you any useful suggestions how she can do that?

mathanxiety · 17/07/2015 13:50

So no comment on the uniforms and formal shoes, or the ties, and how they contribute to play based learning, or what they say about what actually goes on, and the basic mindset behind British schools.

In order to support her child, the OP could do her best to remedy the problem with the child's father. Ultimately, this is going to make a big difference in the outcome for her child.
She could also make sure the child gets plenty of opportunities away from school to engage in lots of conversation -- many thousands of words exchanged per day, lots of songs, reading to him, getting him outdoors to play, climb, explore, getting him to help with coking, cleaning, etc. She can also read to him, especially rhymes, and can allow play with sand and water and building materials.

Indole · 17/07/2015 15:05

I do not know of a single state primary school in my local area which asks children to wear ties! I don't think many do any more. I wore one at junior school but I am well over forty. And in those days far fewer primary schools had uniforms anyway, at least not compulsory ones. These days they are compulsory but less formal. I think the obsession with uniform at primary is actually fairly recent.

bruffin · 17/07/2015 15:25

maths

I worked for a major Finnish company for 6 years. The was a marked difference between the british and finns. The finns were excellent at their jobs in their own very narrow fields. They had no imagination and could not think out of the box. The british staff could multitask and were expected to keep the place running. There would be panic if they came in on a saturday and the printer ran out of paper! (old printers with the green stripey paper that needed to be slotted in)
It really winds me up when I keep hearing how wonderful the finnish education system is when the results weren't that great really.
They are also very fortunate to have the simplest language for a native to learn to read and write.

mrz · 17/07/2015 16:24

OK uniforms
My school didn't have uniforms and parents petitioned the governors to adopt them. A vote showed 97% of parents in favour of a uniform as they thought them more practical.
Personally I don't like collar and ties for primary aged children but some parents prefer this (our uniform is very relaxed t shirt or polo shirt and sweatshirt in school colours but some parents send their children in shirt and tie and that's their choice).

mrz · 17/07/2015 16:27

I'd also say they parents tend to send their child dressed very differently from normal if they know they might be photographed for a book that will be seen by thousands or that they may appear on conference screens around the world (teachers then attempt to keep them out of the mud).

Lweji · 17/07/2015 19:57

How helpful is it to rant about a system that you seem to be judging from hearsay rather experience or expertise.

The problem here is that despite what you say about child centred teaching, you are contradicting yourself saying that they have tough targets to meet next year. And that being at school for 2 years means that he should be much more ahead and needs remedial work, essentially.
The teacher here wasn't particularly concerned either.

The OP presumably chose to send her child to school and now wants to do what she can to support him . Have you any useful suggestions how she can do that?

My suggestion, as others, is to keep playing and exposing the child but not reinforce the feeling that he is making up for being a failure or not as good as others. As it would be if the OP started asking him what he found difficult and insisting on his "failures".
To relax because the most likely scenario is that the child will catch up as he develops in his own time. And to give him the confidence that he will probably catch up.
Not the same as an adult or an older child, whose brains are more developed and are already capable of processing reading, for example.

As for knowing, I know what type of school work it was demanded of DS when he was in Reception and how instead of going to Year 1 in the UK, he went to pre-school in another European country. Where even his demanding teacher wasn't expecting him to read or write. Whereas it was only expected of him to read and write at the END of year 1, which would be UK year 2. Which is fine, because that's when the vast majority of children are actually capable of doing it. By this I mean that even those who develop a bit later will be capable, not the most are only capable then.

In this case, I would expect OP's DS to catch up during next year. And to monitor progress with the teacher so that any actual problems are picked up earlier rather than later.

mrz · 17/07/2015 19:58

You've obviously not heard of learning through play

mrz · 17/07/2015 19:59

So your view is based on your experience of one school ...Hmm

Lweji · 17/07/2015 20:08

I have heard of learning through play, but it still doesn't mean that it will sort out the problem of a child not being able to learn because it's not ready yet.

You also don't know all the schools everywhere, so what?

My post was also about your own comments and how I feel they contradict each other. Would you be kind enough to explain, as if I was very dumb, how they are not contradictory? And how you address the problem of when a child is simply not ready?

mrz · 17/07/2015 20:10

Perhaps you'd like to reveal your expertise in child development

mrz · 17/07/2015 20:21

You're correct I've not visited all 17000 primary schools in England but I've visited many more than one!

Lweji · 17/07/2015 20:34

Ok, so as you are the expert, do explain to me children development. How is it that many children take longer, even being in the same class and then catch up and even take over others?
Surely it's not just a matter of exposing them?
The brain has to make certain connections to be able to read. In the same way as talking, or walking.

And you still haven't explained to me how your earlier statements were not contradictory.

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