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So upset about school report. feeling like a shitty mother

396 replies

Harriet220909 · 11/07/2015 22:50

Had my son's school report back yesterday and I'm really upset
He hasn't met any of the targets for he's year. Not one.
I know I should have done more with him at home but I have an extremely demanding toddler, I'm stuck in a one bed flat so there's nowhere for him to go to do he's homework and I feel so shit.
He's such a bright child bit completly lacks confidence due to him being behind. He's writing is unreadable and when he asks me to read he's writing I try so hard to and he's little faces just crushes when I get it wrong

I feel awful and like I am failing him. He's got an awful father who never helps there's just little old me trying to do everything

And now he's behind and he knows it. Today he told me he feels stupid after attempting he's homework. I can't afford a tutor, how can I help him?

I just wish the school had told me he was behind instead of me having to read it on the report at the end of the year. I would have pushed him harder and tried to do more

OP posts:
bruffin · 18/07/2015 08:55

My son is a working class white boy with dyslexia, the system hasnt failed him, nor his working class white friends.

mrz · 18/07/2015 09:00

I'm not a betting woman math that's why I prefer not to make assumptions to fit my pet theory ...
The OPs child feels stupid ...that could be due to the school organisation, some unkind remark from another child or the fact that they find somethings more difficult than their friends. I recall feeling stupid because I couldn't ride a two wheeler bike when my best friend could, my daughter felt stupid when she wasn't picked for the team ... in my experience it's better to get to the root of the problem than to point fingers of blame.

mathanxiety · 18/07/2015 09:06

Your son and his friends are the exceptions that prove the rule.

'Half school 'failures' are white working-class boys, says report'

'Why do white working class pupils fail in school?'

mrz · 18/07/2015 09:12

Have you compared the figures for primary and secondary math?

mathanxiety · 18/07/2015 09:13

You are ignoring the fake illness and the bedwetting, both signs of stress, and the refusal to try, which is an appalling outcome of a year in school.

You are also refusing because of your pet theory (that learning through 'play' is a developmentally appropriate and educationally worthwhile concept to foist upon four and five year olds) to accept that students in the average British classroom are smart enough to understand the pressured environment and what is expected of them, and to find themselves lacking, at age 5, because they know they are not measuring up. Or in other words, 'stupid'.

mathanxiety · 18/07/2015 09:15

www.lse.ac.uk/newsAndMedia/news/archives/2007/RobertCassenReport.aspx

'Research led by Professor Robert Cassen of LSE's Centre for Analysis of Social Exclusion (CASE) and commissioned by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation provides a comprehensive review of existing research and public documents alongside new analysis. The report explains why tens of thousands of young people leave school every year with no or very few qualifications.

Nearly half of all low achievers leaving school are white British males. Boys generally outnumber girls as low achievers by three to two and have poorer reading and writing skills in primary school. Children with early reading and writing problems are more likely to become low achievers at the age of 16.

Chinese and Indian pupils are most likely to succeed while Black Caribbean pupils are the least successful, though their results have been improving faster than average. Black Caribbean pupils are also over-represented among the group of children who do well at primary school but who end up with low achievement when they leave school.

In 2006, nearly 5 per cent of all pupils in state schools (28,000) received no GCSE passes and almost 25 per cent (146,000) scored no passes above the 'D' grade. The authors, analysing earlier data, found that 14 per cent of low achievement was attributable to school quality, and that both school quality and expenditure on pupils varied considerably among local authorities.'

Battleshiphips · 18/07/2015 09:23

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say that our school sent a letter out saying try not too worry if your child gets lower than what you though they would get because the new curriculum is much harder. That may be the reason for it. As I said I haven't rtft so I might have missed something.

mrz · 18/07/2015 09:25

No I'm not ignoring the fake illness or bedwetting ... I'm saying I can't speculate on the cause ... My friend's son did both and the cause turned out to be jealousy of his younger sister who got to stay home all day with mum ...another child started when parents separated ... my son faked illness when his father died it turned out he was worried I'd die too if he wasn't with me

mrz · 18/07/2015 09:35

At the end of KS2 74% of white British children (eligible for FSM) achieved the expected level or above
At the end of KS4 32.3% of white British children (eligible for FSM) achieved the expected level.

Perhaps we should be asking what happens in secondary that has such a negative impact.

teacherwith2kids · 18/07/2015 12:08

In the middle of Y1, I had a selective mute, bedwetting, clinically anxious child in the English state school system.

By the start of Y2, I had a child who spoke normally, still bedwetting (that went on to Y6 - the production of the appropriate hormone for staying dry at night being wholly unrelated to school experience), fabulously happy and making great progress child in the English state school system.

The difference - change of school. Do not condemn a whole school system on the basis of a single school.

Clavinova · 18/07/2015 14:48

Good suggestions from mrz.

The Finns are a nation of book lovers and borrow more books from the library than almost any other nation; an average of 18 books per person per year. They read more newspapers; 85% of Finnish families subscribe to a daily newspaper and half of Finnish tv programmes are broadcast in a foreign language (often English) with Finnish subtitles not dubbing, so children learn to read whilst watching tv. Not to mention that all teachers in Finland are required to have a masters degree and class sizes are much smaller than the UK. The whole ethos behind Finnish teaching is 'smoothing along' which basically means helping the stragglers catch up with interventions and constant support. The downside of this is that able learners are not accelerated.

Sweden on the other hand is having a mini crisis over its rapidly declining position on the PISA scale over the last 10 years. Swedish teens are causing trouble in the classroom (mobile phones are allowed in class) and there are high rates of bullying and truancy. There is a national shortage of qualified teachers in Sweden with profit-making free-schools employing unqualified teachers.

Keep reading to your ds op but also have him read to you every day;you can catch up a lot during the summer holidays.

Lucelulu · 18/07/2015 15:12

Mrsz's advice seems very appropriate and her observations about play aligns with my son (5 just finished R) and all his peers (various schools) experiences. They've without fail loved reception and the very play based early years curriculum. We may be lucky in our local schools and fantastic reception teachers (London suburb) but comparing experiences with a Danish friend her child's experience at kindergarten very much aligns with Reception here.

I don't think it's perfect but not as flawed as some seem to suggest? (Ive yet to experience later years I admit) I couldn't comment on OPs son not knowing the full picture but advice on how to support him seems sound. Issues such as uniform seem to me a bit of a red herring - we've finished the year with half a dozen completely wrecked polo shirts and battered pairs of shoes. It's just made mornings straightforward, wouldn't be that much different either way as far as I can see. I'd also say that my son loves it and loves being part of a school 'tribe', they recognise and speak to each other across the years.

I teach post graduate design and have visited a lot of the early play settings (Sorensens adventure playgrounds for example) in Denmark and Sweden. I've also seen a lot of these ideas used in state primary schools in the UK, increasingly so, teachers I've talked to have been aware and interested in ideas such as forest schools.

teacherwith2kids · 18/07/2015 17:25

I would agree that uniform is a red herring. School uniforms from supermarkets are cheaper than most other children's clothes, and extremely hard wearing - and most schools have free or very, very cheap second hand uniform available (in my last school, with a very high proportion of families in economic difficulty, it was entirely normal to see the school secretary clothing a family of newcomers from the box beneath her desk - and for the parents of leavers to drop off bags of outgrown uniform to replenish her supplies).

I would have been hard-pushed to clothe my own children for school for a year for less than I spent on 4 pairs of school trousers / skirts, 6 polo shirts and 2 generic sweatshirts from the likes of Tesco - and I have never been in a primary school where a certain indelible garnish of pen, paint, mud and grass stains is not absolutely expected by the end of each year.

mathanxiety · 18/07/2015 18:12

School uniforms and formal school shoes are meant to emphasise the serious nature of what goes on in school, to separate school from play in the minds of children, to create an atmosphere of docility and promote adherence to accepted norms.

Uniform skirts or pinafores, or shirts and ties, are not suitable for the sort of outdoor activities that Swedish five year olds spend half their day at. Formal shoes ditto, for both girls and boys. Not a day goes by here on MN without some complaint about 'civilian' girls' clothing and how it restricts the range of physical activities girls can engage in, how it sends messages to girls and boys alike about who they are as people and what they are supposed to be all about. Uniforms do exactly the same thing -- they send a message about disregard for individuality, about the purpose of the school and about the purpose of the children, and they are used as a means of establishing the control that is deemed necessary in order to promote an atmosphere where the serious business of making five year olds hit targets can be accomplished.

It is most interesting to see people on this thread tying themselves in knots trying to assert that in fact all that uniform clothing, sometimes including blazers and beanies, is perfectly fine for playing in and does not reference the nature of schools or what their priority is at all. It is all apparently just random and done for the convenience or even at the behest of parents Hmm.

'Students’ experiences of ability grouping —disaffection, polarisation and the construction of failure'
Mrz, there is no mystery about the cause of the problem of one third of students getting Ds or below in GCSEs. It has nothing to do with anything secondary schools do or do not do. It happens because by the time they arrive in secondary, one third of students believe they have already failed, which is the result of belief that ability is relatively fixed, resulting in setting in classrooms, and the associated willingness to accelerate 'abler' students no matter what the cost to the less able in terms of how they see themselves, how they view their potential, and how much they are willing to try, or the cost to those who are placed in higher sets but who can't hack the pace. One third of students have given up by the time they hit secondary. The setting of students and the pitching of teaching are affected by many factors aside from alleged ability -- social class and gender expectations being the most prominent.

The fear of abler students being 'held back' by less able is very much in evidence on many threads on British education. Setting is a politically expedient measure designed to prevent uproar among a population that is motivated by fear and that refuses to fully embrace democratic values.

teacherwith2kids · 18/07/2015 18:32

Mathanxiety,

No. IME (have taught in both deprived and affluent schools) school uniform is used as a cheap social leveller, to reduce competition over clothing and to ensure that every child is decently dressed (both decently in terms of actual decency, and decently as in 'warm enough for the weather')

It is also used to establish a 'group identity', and a sense of belonging to a community - and in a school where children come and go after times in school as short as a few weeks, with others staying for years, that instant 'you are wearing our uniform, you are one of us' is a really important factor. As I say, such uniform was often popped over the child's head free by the school secretary before the child went straight into their new class (the most children we enrolled in a day was 8, which at that point represented nearly 10% of the total numbers in the school - high proportion of Travellers).

teacherwith2kids · 18/07/2015 18:38

Also a bit confused by 'formakl school shoes'. In the school I teach in, the main school shoes worn by boys and girls alike are black trainer-type but non-logo shoes. They are sturdy, reasonably waterproof, provide decent arch and foot support, and are great for climbing and running - at least as much so as any 'causal' shoes I see the same children wearing outside school.

What are the 'non-formal' shoes that you imagine children wearing for school that are better for the job of being a child? Trainers? Frankly, the shoes I descrbe ARE trainers, just without the whole expensive hassle of logos. Canvas shoes of the Converse type? Dreadful arch support and not waterproof (also expensive). Boots? Much more expensive. The silly 'dolly style' shoes or other 'fashion' shoes available for children? Absurdly unsuitable for outdoor play and getting messy.

teacherwith2kids · 18/07/2015 18:44

"Uniform skirts or pinafores, or shirts and ties"

I have never come across a primary school where pinafores or skirts are compulsory for girls, or even a majority choice .. and tbh those that do wear skirts spend just as much time racing around or hanging upside down as those wearing trousers or shorts do.

I do know of one primary with shirts and ties, and agree that it is a ludicrous uniform for primary ... but tbh it is the least of the reasons why I would avoid that particular school - the expensive and formal uniform is part of a whole ethos that is to do with carefully managing out those 'not like us' (this is also the main message behind most expensive private school uniforms). However a single bad apple does not mean that the whole idea of uniform does not have merit.

mrz · 18/07/2015 18:49

Why can't you climb trees or play in the mud wearing a skirt or pinafore and since when did smart shoes stop a child building a den or digging for treasure?

mrz · 18/07/2015 18:51

Math perhaps I should repeat my question ... If 73% of white British (FSM entitled) kids meet or exceed expectations in primary why does the figure plummet to 32.3% in KS4?

mrz · 18/07/2015 19:27

We went rock pooling last week and requested parents sent children suitably dressed for the activity and weather. Cue best clothes and party shoes with heels ????

Clavinova · 18/07/2015 20:33

Of course you can climb trees and play in the mud wearing a skirt and build a den wearing smart shoes. When did you see an illustration of 'The Famous Five' wearing tracksuits? Or kids scrambling over a bomb site wearing trainers? At both the prep schools I've been involved with the dc wear smart uniforms with ties and blazers. Play times are long, the kids have access to extensive grounds, supervised woodland areas, sand, mud and climbing frames. The girls spend much of their time hanging upside down on the climbing frame and the boys have muddy knees because they're wearing shorts.

Lucelulu · 18/07/2015 20:52

Wow math, I've read the thread and can't see anyone tying themselves in knots over uniform? I know of no state primary where ties and blazers are even available. And as teacherwith2kids says school shoes that fit well and easily climb trees, survive muddy adventures, seem the norm from what I've seen.

Of course all children aren't the same and I might have agreed with you more in the past but now think that generally uniform seems a good leveller and source of pride and cohesion to many many primary age children. Maybe order and boundaries need the leavening of personal expression and freedom sure. But not all attempts at social cohesion and group identity are about control, dismissing play, and hitting targets. Maybe also about consistency - and that's very valuable for some children.

For my own DS coping with the death of a beloved grandfather and the severe mental illness of his own father (who left home for good in the November of his reception year) I'd say that the consistency of school and its expectations has been a joy and a real stability. As I said I think without uniform may well have been the same - but I don't believe better. And his pleasure in recognising and being greeted by older children as part of the same 'family' palpable.

We have been lucky with the school, I acknowledge that. My experience so far is that the competitive anxieties of the parents (tutoring in reception FFS) far outstrips the damage of the schools expectations. Although of course they feed off each other.

Indole · 18/07/2015 22:05

I am no fan of uniform but my daughter wears to school either a cotton dress and cardigan (loose and comfortable with leggings and/or socks as needed underneath) or a pair of grey cords and a cotton polo shirt and cotton cardigan.

Her shoes are either pretty navy sandals with flowers on (v similar to these: www.ricosta.co.uk/girls-sandals/Ricosta-Gundi-Blue-Girls-Sandal) or ankle boots in black leather, comfortable and waterproof. Sometimes she wears black Converse type shoes if it's too hot for boots and too cold for sandals.

I don't think any of her shoes are excessively formal, nor are they restrictive or uncomfortable.

And where are these state schools with ties and blazers at primary level, anyway? The only ones I know are private schools.

mathanxiety · 19/07/2015 06:37

I suspect because the attainment measured in primary schools is irrelevant to the skills required for students facing GCSE standards, Mrz. Decoding, arithmetic, etc., are all very well and mighty fine. However, they ignore the components of resilience, the quality that makes all the difference -- relationships and ability to reach out in full expectation of support; emotional skills that prevent children from being overwhelmed by emotions (disappointment, embarrassment, frustration, etc), sense of humour and perspective, ability and willingness to talk about feelings; competence in self care, feeling of mastery over the environment, practical skills, independence, sense of responsibility, problem solving ability, assertiveness, understanding the relationship between effort and results, perseverance, a sense of control over one's life; optimism and seeing oneself in a positive light, ability to judge risks, confidence in self and family and community, generous supportiveness towards others, feeling that personal effort can make a difference. None of those qualities can be encouraged by exposure to synthetic phonics at age four. By contrast, the Swedish system as described in my earlier link provides an ideal environment in which to encourage what actually matters.

Uniform in a great many cases does not function as a social leveller. Differences in quality of uniform, age of uniform and condition of uniform, or having just one uniform to wear day in and day out are duly noted by students within individual schools. PE kits and summer uniforms provide even more means of evaluating socio economic status. Students from state schools look around at the fancy attire of the private school students, and they understand where they all stand relative to each other. In response, many state schools (29,500 by 2012) have resorted to insisting on official suppliers for their uniforms, making both the requirements and the expense ridiculous and putting pressure on family budgets. So they are not so much a leveller really. There is also chopping and changing of uniforms as schools turn into academies, and consistency isn't helped by that. Uniforms are much more important as a marker of whatever image the school wishes to project, and too often this means a place where no-nonsense learning takes place. League tables help establish the school's image too.

At least one head teacher thinks uniforms make students focus on their studies:
'A Bradford headmaster, Ian Richardson, caused controversy last month after sending home 100 pupils who were not in the correct uniform.
He defended the decision, saying: ‘I think it’s really important that the students look smart because partly it gives them a sense of pride in themselves and the school and it focuses them on what they have come to school for today, which is to achieve their personal best in their studies.’
I doubt he is the only one.

'Shazza' from Croydon writes in the comments, 'You can spot the cheap stuff a mile off,' and she is right.
Yeah, it's the DM

And what is the point of alleged 'levelling' if results for students in GCSEs correspond exactly to socio-economic status? See figure 4 page 20.

From the Guardian:
'The education secretary, Michael Gove, is a firm believer in the power of clothes that match. The recently published white paper urged all schools to introduce not just uniform, but blazers and ties.

'The Conservatives have been linking high standards, strict discipline and what children wear for years now. "The best-performing schools tend to have similar, if not the same, best practices," said a 2007 policy paper. "Strict school uniform policies, with blazer, shirt and tie, and with a zero-tolerance of incorrect or untidy dress..."

'...And what of the alleged connection between results and uniform? Back in 2007, the Conservatives pointed out that only one of the top-performing 100 state schools was non-uniform. Yet such statistics work the other way round, too. Despite dressing their pupils in blazers and ties, more than 40 academies last year failed to reach the government's "floor target" of 30% of pupils with five A*-C GCSEs including maths and English.'

'When did you see an illustration of 'The Famous Five' wearing tracksuits?'
That is quite funny. A work of fantasy fiction is used as a means of arguing that children in pinafores and black leather shoes could reasonably spend half their days outdoors poking in mud, climbing trees, romping along the shore of a lake, on their hands and knees looking at worms or slugs, sitting on fallen logs, messing about in the rain. Again, please note the Swedish children with their waterproof gear and wellies.

Back in the days of bombsites, there was no such thing as trainers; many children wore clothes made from adult castoffs, little versions of men's and women's clothing except shorts for the boys until they were teenagers, and their footwear was leather, or plimsolls and sandals. There is no excuse now for insisting that children wear clothing to school that bears so little resemblance to normal modern clothing and footwear. The reason for schools to insist on formal uniform is to facilitate effective crowd control and to make sure school is understood by children to be a place for activity that is not frivolous or linked in any way to what children can do while on holiday, but formal and focused on formal work, even at age four and five.

Mrz, it has been my experience that parents of children in schools that have no uniforms generally have a sensible approach to dressing their children, as do the children themselves. People tend not to go nuts over fashion when clothing worn to school is not a means of making a statement on the few occasions when that opportunity presents itself.

The parents you are dealing with seem to have associated school and school-related experiences with formal clothing, and must have anticipated an experience of rock pooling that was not going to be very hands-on. I assume they are not dim, and have some prior experience of learning through 'play' on which to base their choice of attire for the outing.

I think people here are mistaking the sort of activity that takes place in school playgrounds at lunchtime for the half day spent outdoors that forms such an important element of the Swedish preschool experience. There is a world of difference between what is meant by 'play' in preschool and learning through 'play' in UK schools, and uniforms reflect very well that huge difference.

mrz · 19/07/2015 06:48

Really? Perhaps you would be surprised to know that the tests used in primary have the same content as those used in secondary. I'm sure we've discussed before that a level 4' 5,6 in primary is the same as a level 4, 5, 6 achieved in secondary and that the later is at the level of a GCSE pass

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