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Original poster

I think I might have just ruined their lives

108 replies

Hideehi · 09/10/2006 22:33

Dramatic but seriously i think i've fucked up big time.

DS (twin 1) has not settled at his school at all and has played up every morning since term began and complained he wanted to go back to his private school which wasn't very good and was extremely expensive so when my marriage broken down we moved him to the local good state school where he has been miserable ever since. I've also got remarried and had another set of DS twins much to his disgust.
So to the point of the fuck up, this morning whilst trying to force him into his uniform I thought stuff this you can go back to MH (the private school) well he was dressed in minutes and genuinely utterly delighted, they took him back in an instant, well they would wouldn't they.
Two major problems, we can't afford it, I'll find a way but really we can't afford it and I now have to split myself in half to do two school runs.
I don't think there's any way back from this is there - I have to de register him tomorrow - the school will hit the roof but he did smile for the first time coming out of school today.
Somebody please reassure me i'm not completely nuts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hideehi · 09/10/2006 23:31

thanks i'm off to bed now to dream of boaters and blazers i'm going to be sewing more bloody name tags into lol

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PinkTulips · 09/10/2006 23:51

7k bit pricier than my one!

hope things work out, try talking to him but if he still realy wants to go back ring ex-h and ask for some help. if it's small change to him he might be more than happy to do it for his sons sake, worth a shot

night

tilba63 · 10/10/2006 00:20

What about speaking to the Principle of the private school and explaining your position.
They may be able to make a bursary or a scholarship available .
In any case they should be aware of your family circumstances.
Personally I would certainly not discuss family finances with a 9 year old. Good luck and I hope it all ends happily and without you working weekends and apart from the family

collision · 10/10/2006 10:40

How are you today Hideehi?

joelallie · 10/10/2006 11:29

Eeek!

Sorry just seen this thread. I do agree that he has to be happy at school but at the expense of the rest of the family? Could he just take a few days off - give him time to be with you and talk it all through calmly. Is there another state school that he could go to?

How are things today?

LIZS · 10/10/2006 11:33

But if you do it for one the others may expect it when things aren't going so well for them , isn't your dd already a bit unhappy too ? imho you have to be prepared to do the same for them all whether it comes to that or not. Can exH not fund an alternative school suitable for them all ?

Judy1234 · 10/10/2006 14:35

Seems a bit unfair for one twin to get a private education and not the other? I don't think I could possibly do that to my twin. Shouldn' you be moving the other one. Also doesn't their father get a say in all this? I thought education post divorce/separation was something both parents had to agree on and decide.

cocopopshater · 10/10/2006 14:45

no more helpful advice than what's been posted already, but lots of sympathy, hideehi. It is remarkably easy for a harassed mum of 4 to get into these sort of situations, as I know to my cost.

Original poster
Hideehi · 10/10/2006 19:18

Xenia I have always tried to treat them all as individuals and attend to their needs accordingly. We'll be fine I guess the enormity of what I had done just hit me before going to bed.

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PinkTulips · 11/10/2006 00:26

hideehi.... did i see you on that dublin thread? are you living over here?

how did today go anyway? did you talk to him?

fortyplus · 11/10/2006 01:13

Seems as though there's a lot of guilt attached to the decision to send him back to the private school? Kids have fantasies about their parents getting back together - is he maybe thinking that if he's got this part of his old life back then Mum & Dad will follow? I think it's a dangerous decision that will have an adverse effect on the whole family if you have to get a job to fund it. New dh sounds like a kind and understanding chap- could he sit down and talk to him 'man to man' about why it would be wrong for him to go back to the private school? Feel sorry for you all - you're trying to do the best for your son whilst coping with the demands of new twins. It's a tough situation - you made a bad decision while your judgement was affected by your hormones. The only options I can see are either to find an alternative state school or to get your ex husband to make a substantial contribution to the fees - even though you won't want to go to him cap in hand - he's well off and hopefully will have his son's best interests at heart. Otherwise you're simply not being fair on the rest of the family.

Original poster
Hideehi · 11/10/2006 10:18

Well I went into the old state school this morning who gave me the we are very disappointed speech.
Would it be bonkers put him back again, it seems he's playing me like a fiddle, they said he's perfectly happy once he's there and are gob smacked he would want to move.
But i have had no trantrums, no tears and a happy boy has skipped off to school 3 mornings in a row. I'm so confused now and i don't want to make this worse.

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Judy1234 · 11/10/2006 10:20

Can't understand how their genetic father doesn't have to agree/be consulted.
Anyway keep him there but may be move the twin too so things are fair.

jabberwocky · 11/10/2006 10:23

hideehi, I've been following your thread. If he has been happy, I would let him go one term at least and see how things work out money-wise. I know it seems a bit unfair to the other kids, but as you said, they are all individuals. This ds has had 2 years to settle in and it hasn't happened. If an adult had a job that s/he hated for 2 years we would all say, "For heavens sake, change jobs!"

Plus, with 5 week old twins, anything that makes your life easier in the short run is worth it

Original poster
Hideehi · 11/10/2006 10:23

He doesn't give a fuck that's why, he lives in Japan and just signs the cheques. I'm not moving DS2, what about DD, what about the babies, life isn't fair is it.

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foxinsocks · 11/10/2006 10:24

hideehi, were you the parent that had a 6 yr old dd who had all that tutoring and after school activities? if so, then cutting the tutoring is certainly one way to save money

foxinsocks · 11/10/2006 10:30

I mean, I seem to remember it was all 3 of your eldest who had tutoring so it may save a fair bit.

I don't know how you get back from where you are now. You are the adult here so you need to make a decision and stick with it. What would be worse is to let him continue for a bit at the private school, realise you can't afford it then move him back again.

Original poster
Hideehi · 11/10/2006 10:31

Fox, things aren't that bad i was just in a flap last thing at night, financially we'll be ok. However my next concern is that the private school goes up to 18 and there is just no way he'd staying until then, I'm worried that as the state school say there's nothing wrong once he's in school, so is the next thing oing to be he doesn't want to leave at 11 and go to the grammar ? I'm worried i'm setting myself up for a long battle.
Would you drag your child to school perhaps ought to be a seperate theread.

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Original poster
Hideehi · 11/10/2006 10:32

And that's assuming there would be a place fr him, the state school implied we would loose the place if this wasn't sorted by Christmas.

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jabberwocky · 11/10/2006 10:34

Maybe at 11 you and your dh will sit him down for the parent to man talk. Seriously, if I had twin babies I would do whatever it took to make my life easier now and figure the rest out later.

Bramshott · 11/10/2006 10:36

I guess if you can budget, and somehow afford it, then it may be that you've made the best decision for him, for these 2 years. I think in some ways it's wrong to see private school as 'better' than state schools, and to feel you're giving your DS1 an educational opportunity you're denying the others. Some school set-ups just work better for some children. I went to a local state school, but my brother went private, having found it tough in the state school for a few years. I don't think I ever held it against him, or felt that he was getting chances I wasn't - on the contrary, he had to travel my further to see his friends, and wear a yucky blazer! But the important thing was that it was right for him, having given the state system a good try for a number of years.

As others have said, the important thing is whether you're going to be able to afford the whole 2 years, because if you're going to have to take him back out again for financial reasons, better it's now than later on.

MadamePlatypus · 11/10/2006 10:55

Regardless of what you decide to do, please do not think that you have to keep your DS at the private school till he is 18. The next thing might be that he doesn't want to leave the private school at 11 - that is life - he will get over it! Leaving aside divorce and money situations plenty of children have to relocate schools because their parents move house. I think you sound incredibly guilty and also I am not surprised that with 5 week old twins you are in a bit of an emotional state. Take a deep breath and remind yourself of all the positive things in your son's life.

fortyplus · 11/10/2006 12:31

If the state school will have him back I really think you ought to get him back there asap. I still think there is an association in his mind between the 'old' school and his mum & dad being together - you need to reinforce the fact that he has a new life now. I expect he misses your ex even tho your new dh sounds great. Do you have any close friends who will tell you honestly how they see the situation? Obviously I don't know you so I'm just generalising

Judy1234 · 11/10/2006 12:56

In that case as long as his father knows that's fine but I do think both parents should agree. It's a big decision and something the father at least ought to know about even if he doesn't reply to your email.

It sounds like he's a lot happier where he is now. Why can't he stay until 18? Incomes rise over time particularly when you're both back at work so may be it could be affordable.

Now he's moved it's a bit much to move him back I suppose.

Treating children differently.... I don't think I could justify private educating one child and not the others. (must admit 5 is quite expensive but we just about manage... oops not we, their father doesn't pay and isn't involved... I)

bewilderbeast · 11/10/2006 12:56

How about sitting down and explaining to him what it will mean for the rest of the family cost and time wise if he was to go back to the private school. Maybe emphasise that he only has a year and a half left until its time for high school and ask if he is able to put up with the state school until then. YOu may well find that after a bit of sulking he makes the mature decision to stay in state school and that way he is more likely to put more effort into fitting in there. Just a thought, not a mother for another few weeks but do have a reasonable amout of experience working with 9 yr old boys and believe most of them were capable of making the right decision when presented with the facts.