Prep school but can't really afford it

[winkywinkola]

3 of my dcs are at prep school. They're very happy there, doing well etc.

We struggle to send them there. Overdrawn every month. No holidays apart from trips up north to stay with family.

Dh is insistent they go there. They will go state secondary so ds1 has 1.5 years left but then ds3 will start at the prep so our financial situation will not improve until dd leaves to go state in 3 years.

I do wonder about the wisdom of this. The school is smashing. There is no doubt about that. The dcs are doing very well there but there are absolutely no frills in our lives whatsover. It's tough and we are both feeling the pressure.

Dh thinks it's a good investment for now and worth the struggle. I've gone back to work (happily) but on a freelance basis so the money isn't that regular. And we're just about to take in two lodgers which will help too.

But it will a while before we feel any happiness from this increased revenue because we've built up £5k worth of debt over the last two years. Part of which is due to decorating and furnishing to a decent standard the two rooms we're letting out.

When I think of the money we spend each year on fees and the stress, worry and arguments we have about money, I just wonder if it's worth it. The local schools are all 'needing improvement' according to OFSTED and DH just won't consider them and is prepared to live threadbare lives. I think it's ridiculous. This is the one big bone of contention in our lives imo.

We are so the poor family at school! Not that I care but it just highlights to me just how much money one really needs to go private.

Please can anyone furnish me with stronger rationales as to why we should go state?

Some state schools have low expectations of their pupils (like mine!) if a private school had those sorts of views they would have closed down.

I dont think either of my children would have done as well going to a state school - especially a SM. I was not prepared to carry out some sort of test on the boys to see what would happen.

Children change school and families move all the time. This really isn't an insurmountable disaster. The op's youngest child is only 2.

I dont think either of my children would have done as well going to a state school - especially a SM. I was not prepared to carry out some sort of test on the boys to see what would happen.

That's entirely fair enough - I would expect all parents to do what they think is best for their children. However, that doesn't mean that people should make sweeping statements about stuff that they can't prove.

A gut feeling and a fear of experimentation isn't the same thing as evidence!

Please read my post again. I never said, nor would I ever say, that only children from independent schools go on to have senior roles in the professions. That would clearly be ridiculous. I said MY children would not be there without private schools. That fact remains true. Bite my head off by all means....but for something I have said, not for what you think I have said, or for how you choose to interpret what I said.

Snapes...I know because my older dc in particular was studious, quiet, musical and badly bullied in state school where they were very unhappy. They thrived at the academic/musical indie and is now a judge. Wouldn't have happened if I had left them in the state system.

Speaking as someone who has used both, I have no ideological position but have reacted to circumstances following moves and choosing from what is available locally.

I think private schools are very seductive and rely on scaremongering to promote their wares. Go and look at your state options when they have open days and try and keep an open mind. You husband is stuck in the private school mind set and his strategy is illogical.

Others have said there is no point being boosted if you have to tread water in year 7. I personally know parents who have panicked in year 7 having moved from private to our good comp. They have talked about going to a private secondary as they are worried their children are 'drifting'. Part of this disparity is not due to private good and state bad but because their children were being primed for the 11+, which they failed, but they had been intensively prepared. Anything is going to seem like drifting after that.

I won't bore you with my saga but sufficient to say if your children get in with a good crowd and are happy, they will thrive. State schools are too much under the cosh these days to be complacent and they have to strive to add value. I've encountered more complacency in the private sector if I'm really honest. We are fine and dandy at our local comp.

Please go to a few state school open days and go with your guts. Your children can always have try out days and move back if you've cocked up. Nothing to lose and everything to gain.

You're barking op.

Are your dc bright enough for grammar?

If they are you don't need private primaries.My dc go to a pretty mediocre state primary,they just rocked the 11+ with an hour a week of group tutoring for a few months and a few mocks,as did 5 of their classmates.The kids who seemed to struggle in our area and didn't get in were those from private primaries.

Word of warning- some private schools lie.Friends of mine with kids in private primaries have said they've been told their kids are taught a year ahead.They know it's bollocks and we've sniggered quietly to ourselves at the gullible parents who believe the tosh they're told as having been teachers it's clear to us they're not.

Snapes...I know because my older dc in particular was studious, quiet, musical and badly bullied in state school where they were very unhappy. They thrived at the academic/musical indie and is now a judge. Wouldn't have happened if I had left them in the state system.

Sorry, but I don't follow your logic. He might have remained unhappy if you had left him at that particular state school, but equally, he might well have thrived and been happy at a different state school - indeed, I know many kids who have moved between state schools who have had very different experiences at each school.

I'm not saying that the private option wasn't your best option - the school you chose might well have been the best fit for him. I just don't see how you can generalise about the whole "state system" when you probably haven't tried more than a handful of schools at most.

I'm not sure I warrant the insults that I am "barking", thank you very much.

We have been told ds1 is capable of passing 11+ and would fit at a grammar school. So we're giving him the chance to sit the test but apart from tutoring, we're not going to overload him with work.

What's the big aversion to lodgers anyway? We always had home stays / lodgers when I was growing up. It was a nice extra revenue for my dad.

We will muddle through prep school. I will go back to work full time although two years sooner than I'd hoped.

My DDs school was small...minor...our bursary was means tested.

But are you a high earner? The small schools I know don't offer means tested bursaries to people with high household income (and it must be quite high to be paying 3 sets of fees). Many small schools do offer bursaries to lower income families though.

"Snapes...I know because my older dc in particular was studious, quiet, musical and badly bullied in state school " Yes of course. Because quiet studious musical children are always bullied in state school.

•We will muddle through prep school. I will go back to work full time although two years sooner than I'd hoped.'
But why??????????

what's the big aversion to lodgers anyway?
People generally take in lodgers when they can't quite meet the mortgage by themselves, op.
Sharing your home with complete strangers for the sole purpose of affording a third rate prep school at primary level only for your children is an extremely odd (and ultimately pointless) thing to do.

You asked for opinions.

Windy you can't afford it,it's causing stress.You don't need to put yourselves through this.If your kids are bright you could spend considerably less money on a spot of tutoring and still get your child in.

If you are happy with lodgers and that will give you the income stream to support 4 children at private school that is fine. It isn't most people's cup of tea, but equally some people work long hours so that their children can go to boarding school which isn't everybody's cup of tea - different strokes for different folks.

If, having taken in lodgers you are still in a precarious situation financially and you are having to say no to opportunities for your children and family to keep them in school, then I think you need a very good reason for paying school fees.

'Work ethic' and 'bad local schools' are not strong reasons given that there are many perfectly good primary schools in the UK.

I think it's unfair to call the OP barking though her DH might be. She can see that the school isn't that great, but she knows her DH is unwilling to consider state alternatives.

It's also likely that she is reluctant to move her dc from a school where they're happy, and that she doesn't want to send the youngest one somewhere different.

That's all fair enough, really. Knowing what she knows now, perhaps she'd do it differently if she had a chance to wind back the clock, but the children are settled and it sounds like she would have to have a massive battle with her DH to get him to see that it isn't worth it.

Sorry OP, I guess you'll just have to suck it up for now and look forward to a time when life gets a little more affordable!

She's running up debt, stressed and clearly suspects it's a waste of money(which it is).

Madness.

Is the only debt 5k, if so that isn't a huge amount in the grand scheme of things....

Snapespotions, thank you!

So with the lodgers and me working we will be able to afford this school and increase mortgage payments and gites holiday in France in summer. Mates rates as a friend owns a place there.

But if they don't get into grammar then I think I will have to insist in state secondary. £18k+ p.a. for secondary school is way beyond us!

So why start the thread?

Frankly if I was going to cripple myself over schools it would be for secondary over primary,every time.

The fact is if they stuff up the 11+ which is a possible as it is one day you will have spent all your cash(and the cash you don't have) on primary when it could have gone on secondary.

I'm another who is totally confused by that last post it makes the whole thread pointless. Was it maybe just for a super stealth brag thread that you can pay three sets of fees?

Start the thread? Because I've been wrestling with this for a year now.

And it's important to hear other people's views.

I HAVE been made nervous of state schools. Which is daft.

But it's always better to send your children to indie secondary than indie primary - so why not take them all out now and save your money for secondary?

I don't understand people who pay for prep as a massive gamble of getting them into grammar and can't afford private secondary. Any benefit your children gain from the expensive prep will be demolished if they all end up at secondary moderns.

The vast majority of children are fine at state primaries - it's secondary where all bets are off.

I would never pay for prep but am saving for indie secondary already (preschoolers)

And £5k over 2 years will be added to every two years,probably more than £5k as fees go up.Then there is the overdraft.It won't just be £5k by the end will it.

My kids will be going to the same grammars as friends who have spent a fortune on fees,we've spend sweet fa.I just don't get it.It's ludicrous.Private schools are one big case of emperors new clothes imvho.