Prep school but can't really afford it

[winkywinkola]

3 of my dcs are at prep school. They're very happy there, doing well etc.

We struggle to send them there. Overdrawn every month. No holidays apart from trips up north to stay with family.

Dh is insistent they go there. They will go state secondary so ds1 has 1.5 years left but then ds3 will start at the prep so our financial situation will not improve until dd leaves to go state in 3 years.

I do wonder about the wisdom of this. The school is smashing. There is no doubt about that. The dcs are doing very well there but there are absolutely no frills in our lives whatsover. It's tough and we are both feeling the pressure.

Dh thinks it's a good investment for now and worth the struggle. I've gone back to work (happily) but on a freelance basis so the money isn't that regular. And we're just about to take in two lodgers which will help too.

But it will a while before we feel any happiness from this increased revenue because we've built up £5k worth of debt over the last two years. Part of which is due to decorating and furnishing to a decent standard the two rooms we're letting out.

When I think of the money we spend each year on fees and the stress, worry and arguments we have about money, I just wonder if it's worth it. The local schools are all 'needing improvement' according to OFSTED and DH just won't consider them and is prepared to live threadbare lives. I think it's ridiculous. This is the one big bone of contention in our lives imo.

We are so the poor family at school! Not that I care but it just highlights to me just how much money one really needs to go private.

Please can anyone furnish me with stronger rationales as to why we should go state?

But mmm they're NOT getting a good education! If they were it would be worth it (and I say that as state-educator), but a disinterested head, leavers going to state schools, and no plan to continue with private at secondary where it will actually count for something, is not worth the sacrifice.

I am another one with a child in prep who still questions the decision of OP and her DH. Surely it doesn't make sense to pay school fees if you feel the school has poor leadership from a head that doesn't care because he wants to leave?

I am also a bit unsure as to why so many people are suggesting bursaries. Bursary criteria is very strict at most schools and any family who can afford to pay three lots of school fees (even if struggling to do so) will be unlikely to meet the criteria for a bursary. I know the small number of prep schools which I am aware of that offer bursaries have a cut off point of £30k household income for bursaries (fees of £7.5k per annum). The senior day schools have cut off points for household income of anything between £40k and £50k (fees of £12k per annum). Some schools, especially those who take boarders will give bursaries at higher levels of household income but even then the bursaries are calculated on a sliding scale and the income from lodgers will be taken into account.
The best bet is to approach the school bursar and be frank about not being able to afford 3 lots of school fees and ask if there are bigger sibling discounts available to enable you to keep the children at the school. If the school is not full to capacity then they might offer a discount in order to keep 3 bums on seats. It will be better for the school to offer a 50% discount to the oldest child and 10% for each of the younger ones than to let all 3 sets of fees go. If the school is full and has a waiting list then negotiating a discount might be more difficult.

Personally I would look for a state school place for each child as it doesn't sound like your particular school is worth the money and financial stress that you are putting yourself under.

Is private schooling the only route to very senior professional positions, then, mmm1701?? I think not. I know not. Don't be ridiculous
There are certainly some very elite schools which may well open doors through the old boys network, but this really doesn't sound like one of them.
Even if it was; any advantage will be long gone by the time the kids emerge from a bog standard state secondary.

"Is private schooling the only route to very senior professional positions, then, mmm1701??"

Bloody well hope not- ds wants to be a barrister and he's at a secondary modern...............

He'll probably get there ahead of op's kids, Hakluyt...
No offence, op. But you're throwing your money down the toilet.

Mmm my impression is that many people on this thread have children at private preps.

The main reasons people send children to private preps are:

1. their child has an sen or particular ability and the best local school for that particular child happens to be private.
2. the prep school will prepare a child for a particular secondary school.
3. they have enough money that sending their child to private school won't cause any financial hardship and they want to spend their spare cash on a school with nice lawns and posh sports days.
4. private education offers necessary wrap around care taking into account the parents' jobs.
5. the school has a particular educational ethos e.g. Summerfield.

Any sensible private school head would agree that some private schools are very average/rubbish.

It really isn't clear why the op's children are at a private school, given the sacrifices made and the opportunities that would open up with more spare cash.

OP, even if you don't rate the local primaries, the good secondary schools must get their pupils from somewhere - surely the savings on school fees and a smaller house would enable you to move?

I had a bursary given to my DD when she was in year 2 at private prep. We'd told the HT that we'd have to leave due to finances and she gave us a full bursary.

We left not because of the cost involved but because DD wasn't happy there...it was too small and though she had friends, it was very hard when she wanted to know why we weren't going to Disneyland/Paris for the weekend/why our house only had two floors etc.

We could not afford the fees to the local private secondary schools where all her friends would be attending and weren't prepared to risk that she'd get in on a scolarship....if she didn't get a scolarship then she'd be going to an enormous state secondary with no friends having spent her entire primary years in a sort of a bubble.

Moving her to a lovely village state primary was the best thing we have ever done.

She went at the start of year 3 and has thrived in all ways

We're moving to Oz next summer when she finishes and she will be, along with DD2 attending a small private school (600 pupils) which goes right from reception to year 12...it's cheap though...comparatively anyway. Oz has more middle range private schools making it more affordable.

We're choosing private not because we think the DDs won't have good careers if they don't...but because the state schools are so huge that we just don't think our DC would be happy there.

Smaller is always our preference.

What flabbergasts me is that you're also paying for a private tutor for your y5 boy for once-a-week tutorials. That's what we did for my son, but he's at a state school so it was, for us, to plug any gaps and to try to even the playing field just a wee bit. I thought the point of a prep school was that it, er, prepped.

Gosh small classes, no very behind kids (there are lots of those in my kids' school and you wouldn't find them in private - recent immigrants, severe special needs etc), specialist teaching and all and yet you still have to tutor them.

No wonder ds didn't get into either of the v super selectives he tried for when this is what he's up against.

Lots of kids at private schools have tutors, whether they are beneficial of not is debatable. I also think it is debatable whether they are beneficial for children in most state schools.
Private schools do have children with additional needs and those who are quite a bit behind especially at prep level where not all private schools are selective. The teaching can also be great or poor just like at state schools.
OP has said that the school her children are at goes up to age 13 for boys so the actual prepping for entrance exams might not start until year 7 which is too late for state grammar school entrance exams. The prepping might also be geared towards independent school exam formats rather than state grammar exam formats.

It is very difficult to gain a place at a superselective and lots of children have lots of prepping whether they are at state or private schools due to tutoring and after school classes like Kumon or Kip McGrath.

Oh, I'll have to go back and read properly but just wanted to say to inthe dark that you may be - very slightly - about the fees at "top" schools. It does seem counter-intuitive for me to be suggesting the OP looks for bursaries - but I was actually thinking of schools that charge perhaps £25.000 for prep and £35,000 for seniors. This type of school does offer significant bursaries to a much wider income range.

Yes zero some of the top schools do offer bursaries to quite high earners but from what the OP said about her children's school I didn't get the impression that it was a top school. Some of the smaller schools are keen to keep bums on seats though and will offer generous discounts to families with multiple children at the school as some fee income is better than none.

My DDs school was small...minor...our bursary was means tested.

I thought that a child was either a grammar school candidate or not. Regardless of school attended.

This school my dcs are at wants as many boys as possible to stay until 13. I think they aren't keen on 11+ because of that!

Winky I would agree with you but many parents are blind when it comes to their DC's ability.

I have a friend who has spent the last 3 or 4 years driving her poor boy into the ground so he can pass the 11plus and he's blatantly not remotely capable.

However some children are strong enough in some subjects to be coached through the weak spots and pass. A private school would manage this better than an average state and a tutor.

If you really DO think that why are you paying for something he's naturally capable of?

"This school my dcs are at wants as many boys as possible to stay until 13. I think they aren't keen on 11+ because of that!"

So, if you want them to take the 11+, why did you choose that school?

I find the whole situation deeply baffling.

I agree ,you have picked the wrong type of school . The school my DS went to was locally known as an 11+ crammer from age 4 ,that's why they have the pass rate they do and hence why people still send the DC there .

It's been said before but none of the arguments for keeping these children at this school make actual sense!!
It's nuts

Also as an aside ,I can understand people going without holidays and cars etc to pay school fees but I honestly wouldn't take in lodgers to do it .

Lordy OP you're making me cry. Where is that DH of yours? My hands are itching to grasp his neck...

So you deliberately (or rather blindly) picked a "trad" prep that you couldn't afford, which primarily exists to prep for CE? You're comparatively ambiguous about throwing everything at a grammar place - and the head has done nothing to guide you towards the right fee paying senior (ie the one that had a "your child shaped gap" that it would do anything to fill)?

I feel mean to be constantly churning this over. It's good that your young are happy and thriving - but you should have had so much more.

Zero what an overly dramatic post.

I'm sure OP doesn't feel she should have had so much more. She's not happy with things as they are no...but it's not a bloody disaster!

Mmm .... It's definitely not a disaster because there's time to turn things around. But, in my family, if we read these comments we would be quite upset.

Having gone to a rubbish state school myself and both working full time we found after childcare costs in the early years a prep school was the same price!

So we started with one DS, we then had another DS. There are no good senior day private schools around here so now have both at a top boarding school! The school fees are frightening!

We thought of moving as we have a fair amount of equity, however the savings we would make would be cancelled out by the cost of moving. So, we have stayed in the same house for over 15 years

Although it sounds a bit all over the place there are a couple of key elements here that have allowed us to afford this

1. We had children late in life
2. We both work full time and both are higher rate tax payers
3. We dont have expensive hobbies or flashy cars

4 Both are roles are stable (mind particularly so and I have the option of working at home at lot)

1. I love my holidays and can still afford them

If we had had FOUR kids our lives would be very very different (so we decided to stop at two)

I dont agree with some pp who say apply to a top boarding school and gets lots off the fees. How does that work? My DS's school has boys on busaries - however they are really clever and have earned their place.

They are certainly not pupils whose parents want their children to go to a well known school and just dont fancy paying the fees for four kids!

BTW - we are in a grammar school area...

Mine are now very senior professionals and they would not be there without private schooling

How do you know?